The Childhood Dream

Chapter 18

After 40 minutes ay nakarating ako sa restaurant, palihim na kumaway sa akin ang mga kaibigan ko. Ngumiti naman ako sa kanila, itinuro nila si Kiel sa sulok ng restaurant na abala sa paglalaro ng isang basong tubig.

Kanina na nasa byahe ako ay panay ang text at chat sa akin ng mga kaibigan ko, mabuti na lang ay may load ako kaya nare-replyan ko sila.

Bawat kilos at galaw ni Kiel ay ipinapaalam nila sa akin at sa mahigit na isang oras nitong paghihintay ay hindi man lang umorder ng pagkain.

Umupo ako sa harapan niya, nagulat siya sa biglaan kong presensya. Ngumiti ito sa akin at tipid ko lang itong sinuklian. Inabot niya sa akin ang menú pero hindi ko ito kinuha, inilapag niya na lang ito sa harapan ko.

"So, what do you want to talk about for the last time?" tanong ko sa kaniya, desidido nang wala ng kasunod ang pangyayaring ito.

He looks so calm and in peace. Walang bahid na kahit anong pag-aalala o panghihinayang sa kinahinatnan ng pinagsamahan namin.

"For the past 3 years we had, I've become the happiest person I am today. I didn't expect that I could experienced such emotions and even now, I am genuinely happy for you. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko noong nililigawan kita, "Hindi ko 'to sasayangin, 'yung chance na binigay mo para maligawan kita". Hanggang ngayon na nililigawan pa rin kita, nasira ko 'yung tiwala mo." panimula niya, I did expect it that he will reminisce kaya hindi na ako nagulat.

"Akala ko noong pangalawang nagkamali ako, ititigil na natin ang ligawan pero you still gave me another chance. This time, desidido na ako na magbago pero ang bullshit lang ng buhay. Masyado akong nadala sa tukso, nag-cheat na naman ako."

"Please, stop beating around the bush. I have a lot of important things to do." Pagpuputol ko sa kwento niya.

Ayoko mag-reminisce ng nakaraan kasi maaalala ko lang kung paano kami nagsimula hanggang sa kung paano kami natapos. Even for the last time, Ayokong marinig ang mga kasalanan niyang nagawa sa akin dahil I'm trying to keep all our happy memories at ayokong mabahidan ng sakit.

Umiling ito at ngumiti sa akin and this time, I saw tears slowly falling to his cheeks. Sa ilang beses naming nagkausap para ayusin ang problema namin, never ko siyang nakitang umiyak. And I am sure right now, that he is really in pain and regrets start coming on his way.

"No, Let me. I wanted to recall our story of how the two of us met at kung paano ko nasira ang tiwala mo sa akin." He holds my hand, gusto ko sanang bawiin pero hinayaan ko na lang siya.

My friends saw us, lumipat sila ng pwesto para makita kami at ang mga reaction namin. Isang lamesa lang ang pagitan namin, um-order pa sila para ganap na ganap sa pakikinig ng usapan namin.

Nag-thumbs up sign lang sila sa akin, saying, 'It's fine'. All out support talaga sila sa akin.

"The first time I saw you wasn't really in our grade 9 classroom. We were grade 7 since I first saw you at canteen, you were sitting by the window and staring at the graden of our school. You were with your friends pero para kang may sariling mundo noon, sobrang ingay ng mga kaibigan mo pero wala lang sayo. That's when I asked myself, 'How can you find peace despite the hustle and bustle of your surroundings?' Sobrang namangha ako."

"Even now, I am still wondering about that question. 8th grade, I'm still stalking you. The following next school year, ninth grade at nagkataon na magkaklase tayo. 'Kate' lang ang alam ko sa pangalan mo dahil naririnig kong iyon ang tawag sayo ng mga kaibigan mo."

"Nagsimula akong mag-ayos simula sa physical feature hanggang sa studies ko. Unfortunately, nakikita mo ako as dugyutin and such. Nag-try akong umamin, hinayaan mo ako. Ginawa ko ang lahat para makuha attention mo at nagwagi naman ako, that's why naging ganito tayo."

Tahimik. Napaka-tahimik ng surroundings namin at hindi ako sanay sa ganito, gusto ko laging maingay. Ayokong maramdaman ang pag-iisa sa katahimikang ito at para akong lalamunin ng kalungkutan, insecurities at flaws ko. I always prefer being surrounded by noise.

Hindi ko naman inaasahan ang sudden confession niya, kung paano niya ako unang nakita. We were still kids and by that time, we're still focusing on exploring little by little.

Probably he knew that I was once committed to another guy before him since he's been stalking me. And I don't care less whether he saw us or not.

In a crowded places, I always find my peace. I am at ease whenever I am in crowd because I don't have to worry about my looks, my feelings, and that is when the time that I feel free after being held captive inside a cage.

"I was at fault and It will always be my fault. Wala kang naging kasalanan sa nangyari sa ating dalawa, H'wag mong sisisihin ang sarilii mo kung magkataon man. Penelope had nothing to do with us, it was my fault that I entertained her. I know that you were not comfortable with her but, she keeps reaching out to you. I'm sorry." Huminga siya nang malalim at muling nagpatuloy habang patuloy naman akong nakikinig sa kaniya.

"For the past years, you have been good to me. You were there when I needed someone to talk to, when I needed someone to be by my side, when I needed support, You just know when I needed help and I will be forever greatful for what you have done to me."

"Finally, We have reach the end of our story that I once prayed that it will never end. Some prayers really don't have the answers, right?" natawang sinabi niya, his voice cracked and tears kept falling. He still holds my hand, mahigpit na mahigpit na para bang ayaw na niyang bitawan.

His other hand went into my face, he wiped away all my tears that I didn't even feel that they were falling down to my cheeks. Gaya ng paghawak niya nang mahigpit sa kamay ko, ganon din ang ginawa ko. Pareho naming hawak ang isa't-isa na tila bang ayaw namin pakawalan ang isa't-isa ngunit kailangan.

Hindi naman kami pansinin dahil nasa sulok nga kami at walang masyadong tao sa restaurant. Ang mga kaibigan ko ay may mga nagtatakhang tingin pero umiling lang ako sa kanila.

I calmed myself and wiped my tears. My voice will c***k again and again but, I need to speak my mind. Pinunasan ko rin ang kaniyang mga luha at pinakalma siya, inabot ko sa kaniya ang scarf ko dahil hindi tumitigil ang pagbagsak ng mga luha niya.

"I felt bad that we have to end it this way. Hindi naging madali para sa ating dalawa ang desisyon na ito, we wanted to let go but our hearts still holding each other. However, heto na tayo ngayon." Paunang salita ko, he looks at me with his teary-eyes. Iniwas ko naman ang paningin ko, If I met his gaze, I will cry again.

"I am so proud of you for what you have done to yourself and to our relationship, I'm sure you know it. You healed me but, I broke you. I'm sorry." Pagpapatuloy ko na hindi sa kaniya ang paningin kung hindi ay sa magkahawak naming mga kamay.

"With that, I am finally letting you go. It has been a great journey with you, you may now continue you journey without me. Let's end this chapter of our life, close our book, and open a new one with a new character."

"I will be forever greatful to you, my once home. I will treasure our memories and the happiness we shared," I hold his had and look straight into his eyes."I will cheer you to your future endeavours, my future pilot. I hope that both of us will become successful. You don't have to check on me kasi parehas lang tayong mahihirapan, let's not keep in touch. Let's ignore each other kung magkikita man tayo accidentally, okay? Gusto kong gawin ito for the mean time para hindi masyadong masakit."

Wala ng luha, naubos na lahat. Naiyak ko na lahat habang ang sa kaniya naman ay patuloy na bumabagsak. Pinainom ko siya ng tubig para kumalma, it took him at least 3 minutes to stay calm and quiet.

"At this point of our life, may mga bagay na dapat tayong bitawan. Hindi dahil ayaw na natin kung hindi dahil ay kailangan. Kailangan nating lumaban sa buhay ng mag-isa, kailangan nating maging matapang at matatag mag-isa. Kung patuloy tayong may kasama, patuloy lang tayong masisira dahil umaasa tayo sa partner natin at nasanay tayo na maging dependent." Huminga ako nang malalim at pinilit na ngumiti.

"Sana sa paglabas natin ng restaurant na ito, okay na tayo. It will take a while bit I hope, you will be fine."

"Pwede? Pwede next week na lang?" biglang tanong nito, nagtatakhang tinignan ko siya. Sobrang messed up na niya.

"Ang ano?"

"Gawin ito. At least next week, handa na ako. Hindi na masakit. Sa ating dalawa, gusto ko pa rin makitang masaya ka sa next week na iyon."

"Let's not be miserable again."

"No, I'm not asking to be miserable again. I'm asking you to be there by my side for another week at sanayin ako na unti-untiin mong iparamdam sa akin na wala na talaga."

"How?"

Curious na curious ako. How can you ask the other one to be there for another one week when you're asking for a break up that you know will happen eventually after a week? To lessen the pain? To just spend the another week together?

"Bukas, chat mo ko na para bang walang nangyari and act that you still have feelings for me. Update me as much as possible. Tuesday, still the same. Gusto ko pagdating ng friday, I will feel your coldness and such. As the process goes on, make me feel how loved I am."

"Don't you think this is too much?"

"Nothing is too much when you do it for someone you love but, as for me, you will do it based on my favor to you."

"No, I will stick with my decision. I won't do it for another week knowing how painful would it be. Let's not keep hurting each other, it won't do any good to us."

"Please?"

Hindi ko siya sinagot dahil hindi ko alam kung tama ba na pumayag ako sa gusto niya o mag-stick sa decision ko. Kung papayag ako, both of us will suffer. Unti-unti naming dinudurog ang mga sarili namin sa gagawin naming iyon.

"Promise me, one thing. Just one thing."

"What is it?"

"Don't ruin your life just because of what happened to us. Pareho tayong may kasalanan at nasaktan sa nangyari. Let's not blame each other and regret it later."

"I promise."

Tumahimik kaming dalawa. Nag-ayos na ko sa sarili ko, I make sure na hindi namaga ang mata ko. Tinignan ko naman siya, maga na ang mata sa kakaiyak kanina.

Binigyan ko siya ng powder para kahit papaano ay maayos na siyang tignan. Inayos na niya ang sarili niya. Itinago na rin niya ang scarf ko, gift ko na raw sa kaniya iyon.

For the mean time, both of us stay silent. He keeps staring at me while I keep looking at my hands. Ang awkward ng sitwasyon naming ito ngayon.

No one tried to break the silence. I looked at my phone, It's past 11 am. I look at him.

"I have to go, I have important things to do." Sambit ko at tumayo na, he stayed seated.

"Thank you for accepting my offer." aniya bago ako tuluyang umalis. Sumunod naman sa akin ang mga kaibigan ko na bitbit ang mga pinamili nila.

I look back at him, looking straight into his back. I know his crying by the move his shoulders make, He is in deep pain and I can't do anything about it.

Nahanda ko na ang sarili ko kaya hindi gaanong masakit, hindi ko na kailangan umiyak non-stop. Habang siya, nabigla kaya sobra ang naging epekto nito sa kaniya.

I know that despite that pain we've caused to each other, we genuinely wish happiness for the both of us. He may not recover so fast as I did, I hope that in no time he will be fine.