Shades Of Black

Chapter 20. Talked About

P  H  O  E  X  E

. . .

"Luh, nasaan na tayo?" gulat na tanong ko nang mapansin ko na hindi na nagiging pamilyar 'yung dinadaanan namin. Halos wala na ring bahay dito pero may mga nakakasabay pa rin naman kaming kotse kaya nabawasan ang kaba ko.

"Just showin' you something," he said as he drive calmly as he could ever be.

Hindi na lang ako nagsalita at hinayaan siya. Halos ilang minuto rin nang maramdaman kong huminto ang kotse, doon lang ako nagkaroon ng panahon para tignan ang lugar. Nanatili lang siya kaya hindi ko rin tinanggal ang seatbelt ko.

Nakita ko na nasa may cliff kami at kahit na nasa kotse kami ay nakita kong ang ganda ng tanawin doon. Nakikita ang streelights doon at sa may bandang kanan ay may dalampasigan. Pero ang mas pinagtuonan ko ng pansin ay ang dalawang tao na malapit sa may cliff. Pareho silang nakaupo sa may damuhan at nakatingin sa taas kung saan naroroon ang buwan at mga bituin. Then the girl leaned his head on the man's shoulder. It's too romantic.

I frowned.

"Don't you want it?" he asked after seeing my reaction.

"Who would want to see someone's privacy?" I asked in sarcastic as I pointed at the two couples. "Mukha namang gusto nilang mapag-isa kaya dito sila pumunta at hindi sa park kung saan maraming tao. Kung sanay ka na sa mga ganito, well, ako hindi."

Tumingin lang ako sa kaniya at hindi nilingon ang dalawang tao sa may bangin.

"You're being sarcastic." nanlaki ang maya ko nang matamaan niya ang busina ng kotse.

"What the hell!" sigaw ko pa pero huli na nang makagawa ito ng ingay kaya napatingin sa direksyon namin 'yung dalawang tao.

Pinagmasdan ko ang reaksyon nila at mukhang may pinagusapan pa sila. Kumunot ang noo ko nang ibaba ni Henry ang bintana ng kotse. Damn, me and my car's knowledge. I hate myself.

"Have a great night," he greeted, not that really loud but enough for them to hear what he said.

"Thanks, bro." pinaandar na ni Henry ang kotse, mukhang namang hindi nabahala 'yung dalawa at nanatili sa kanilang pagkakaupo.

"What the hell was that?" I asked as soon as we're already on the road again.

"Nothing," he shrugged with a smirk.

"You know them?" tanong ko pa, dahil base sa pag-uusap nila ay magkakilala sila.

"Hindi," he shrugged again with a stifled smile.

"Wow, lakas maka-extrovert ha." komento ko sa pag-uusap nila. Pinagkrus ko ang aking braso.

Para saan 'yon? Wag mong sahihing ginawa niya 'yon para magpapansin? Hell, wala sa mukha niyang magbiro o kumuha ng atensyon ng iba. What? Is he going to say that we only live once so we should live with the fullest? Duh, I understand that quote, why does he need to do that?

I'm aware that he could read all of the words in my head. I'm just not in the mood to talk right now.

"You know what I'm going to say?" he asked.

"Na ginawa mo 'yon para pagaanin ang mga iniisip ko then you're going to say; 'We only live once', so just ditch around someone's people privacy and do whatever we wanted. Perhaps?"

"I know that you're going to say that, I've already heard it in your mind. But no, it's not that."

"Then what is it?" walang ganang tanong ko.

Ang akala ko ay sasagot siya pero hindi, may kinuha pa siya sa isang paper bag at inabot pa sa akin 'yon.

"Grapes?" biglaang alok niya, kinuha ko naman 'yun at meron lang isang balot ng grapes don. Kumuha ako ng isa at kinain 'yon.

Mahilig pala siya sa grapes. Doon ko lang napansin na hindi na ako nahihilo sa amoy ng sasakyan niya. Grapes, huh?

"Now, why do you suddenly hate being normal?" he asked which I am not surprised anymore. Nababasa niya talaga ang nasa isip ko. It's just not linked to the topic that we had. Gusto niya talagang magsimula ng kung ano tas hindi niya tatapusin, noh?

"Hindi ko alam," seryosong sagot ko habang nakatingin sa kaniya.

"You don't want to be in the couple's situation? You don't want romantic things?" nagulat ako sa tanong niya, b-bakit ganon ang tanong niya?

"Wala sa isip ko ang mga ga'nong bagay." sabi ko at iniwas ang tingin.

Nakakalimang piraso na ako ng grapes, ang tamis ng lasa at malamig pa kaya ang sarap. Ang dark pa ng kulay nito na, sakto lang ang laki, pero naku-cute-an ako.

"Ang weird kaya ng mga ganon," napipilitan kong sabi. Sinubukan kong maimagine na nakatingin ako sa mga bituin habang may lalaki sa tabi ko. Talking about stuff that weren't that important, asking something like 'kumain ka na ba?'. Parang pakiramdam ko lahat ng mga sweet lines ay gasgas na. Lalong lalo na 'yung sweet endermeants na 'baby', ugh, ang pabebe.

Henry nodded, listening to my thoughts the whole time.

"Diba?" I smiled, asking him for his opinion about this topic.

" 'Talking about stuff that weren't that important?' " he repeats, "You clearly don't know what it's like, do you?"

"Duh, how would I know? I've never been in a relationship. Atsaka, bakit parang sinasalungat mo ko? Bakit? May naging girlfriend ka na?" I snorted, hindi ko alam kung bakit natanong ko pa ang huling tanong. Do I sound like. . . Ano?

"Wala," sagot niya sa akin, not removing his attention on the road.

"Ah, alam ko na." pangunguna ko, "Pinagtatanggol mo sila kasi nababasa mo sa isip nila, kasi naiintindihan mo sila. Well, sorry. Hindi ko kasi nababasa ang nasa isip nila kaya hindi ko naiintindihan."

"You know what the problem is?" he suddenly said and parked the car in the sideroad.

"What? Are we going to fight for this—"

"It's your lack of sympathy." he said and touched the middle of my knitted eyebrow with his index finger. Natigilan rin ako sa sinabi nito hanggang sa ibaba niya na ang kamay niya at seryosong nakatingin sa akin.

"Ako? Kasalanan ko bang wala pa akong karanasan sa mga ganon?"

"You keep on denying it. You understand them, you even said that they need privacy. Then when you felt irritated because they seems normal, you started to see the flaw and get sarcastic."

"What are you implying? Na naiinggit ako? Ganon?" hindi ko na nagugustuham ang pag-uusap namin.

"What I am saying was that you keep on refusing to look at the bright side."

"Wow, so I'm a pessimist."

Huminga siya ng malalim at saglit na pinikit ang mata, natahimik kami ng saglit. Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya sinasabi 'to, dahil ba hindi agad ako sumang-ayon sa kanila para mahanap si Epiales? Is he looking for my flaw just to hide their blackmailing intention?

"You have the chance to save them but you didn't. You know that you're going to blame yourself after it but you ended up ignoring everything, believing yourself that it's only a nightmare. You don't have any difference with Epiales."

It hurts. Hearing those words from him. I felt my eyes getting teary on what he said, my heart was aching with a sudden burst of emotion.

"You're blaming me?"

"I'm not, but you are." Am I?

"Sinasabi mo ba 'to kasi narinig mo sa isip ko na ayokong maging normal? Na akala mo ba nageenjoy ako na makakita ng bangungot? Kaya hinahayaan ko na lang sila ng mangyari? 'Yon ba ang gusto mong ipaalala?"

"Hindi," he answered.

"Then shut the fvck up! It doesn't mean that you can read my mind, you can also feel what I felt." naramdaman ko ang luha sa aking pisngi kaya agad ko iyong pinunasan.

Yumuko ako at inisip kung tama ba 'tong inaakto ko.

"You only think of yourself, Ms. Eren." napasinghap ako sa sinabi niya.

"What?" I hissed. Bakit ang sakit niya magsalita? Sino ba siya?

"That's what I wanted to say. I get that you can do nothing by their deaths but now that you know about Epiales, aren't you going to do something?"

Silence

"You're losing your sympathy by ignoring your nightmare, that's how you became a pessimist. You know what is good and bad, but you chose to see the flaw on being right. Tell me, am I wrong to that?"

Hindi ako nakasagot sa sinabi niya. I felt my teeth clenching, I bit the inside of my cheek. I don't know if I can look at him right now.

"I've already said that I'm joining you, hindi na 'yon ang problema ngayon." mahinang sabi ko, napatulala ako sa kamay ko at hindi alam ang gagawin.

"Then, it's being normal?" he asked like he doesn't say anything that hurts me.

"Siguro," sagot ko

"It was a choice, though." napatingin ako sa kaniya nang sabihin niya 'yon. Kinuha niya pa ang isang lata ng beer bago uminom doon.

"And we're still humans. If you're thinking that being normal is boring, then you're wrong." 

"It's not that," depensa ko sa sinabi niya. I just think that he's misunderstanding my thoughts.

"Hmm, you don't want to be normal because you wanted to know us more?" nanlaki ang mata ko sa sinabi niya. "And you think that being normal means that we've got nothing to talk about? Is that why you hate being normal?"

I was speechless on what he said. He just turned my feelings into words, h-how. . . I felt like I've just eaten my words about him not knowing what I felt.

"Come on, Ms. Eren. We're not in a fvckin' bussiness that have a contract, tao pa rin tayo. We live in a democratic country, we could do whatever we want." kahit nagulat ako sa pagmumura nito ay hindi ko maiwasang di mapangiti.

"Or you should say, we only live once." he laughed on what I said and I found it. . . attractive. Parang bihira lang talaga siya tumawa dahil lagi lang naman siyang seryoso pero ngayon, he looked carefree.

"This is what being normal is. Safe and sound." he looked at me again before picking a grapes on my lap.

Ngumiti ako at tumingin sa labas habang pinapanood ang sasakyan na dumaraan. Kumuha din ako ng grapes at kinain 'yon.

"It's odd to hear that from you, you know. Akala ko pa, mali ako. Ganon din pala ang sasabihin mo sa dulo." sabi ko pa habang ngumunguya. "Although I can't still get over that you just compared me to Epiales."

He chuckled and I smiled in return. He looked at his watch, "It's late. We should go home,"

He drove again but I wasn't still sleepy even though there's only has 30 minutes before 12 o'clock. It was a quick trip because it's not traffic anymore. Mukhang sanay nga talaga siya sa mga puyatan dahil hindi man lang siya humikab sa harapan ko.

Somehow, I felt calm. Biglang nawala ang pag-aalala ko sa mga bagay na mukha namang normal dahil sa sinabi niya. It just turn out that I've found it strange being normal. But it was actually good, though. Sa dami ng napag-usapan namin ni Henry, ang tumatak lang sa isip ko ay kung paano niya sinabi ang nararamdaman ko. He used different topics that would make me think of our current topic at para na rin makalimutan ko ang nangyari ngayong araw. Effective naman dahil masyado nga akong nag-isip at tinamaan ng emosyon.

Natagpuan ko na lang na nandito na kami sa tapat ng apartment. Napansin ko rin na halos naubos na rin ang grapes na nasa hita ko.

"Thank you for the ride." I said, displaying my genuine smile. Tinanggal ko na ang seatbelt ko at inayos na rin 'yung grapes sa hita ko.

"Don't be offended on what I said, I just gotta say it. But still, I'm sorry." wala namang emosyon ang mukha niya pero sa tono ng boses niya ay naramdaman ko ang sincerity ng mga salita niya. How was that possible?

"It's fine, alam ko naman. Di ko lang pinapansin." I shrugged and get out of the car. I leaned down to thank him again but what he said shocked me.

"That deep conversation was what couples talk about."

Napapikit pa ako ng ilang beses sa sinabi niya, I crinkled my nose then smile. Still hoping that I wasn't blushing right now.

"Sana all, couple."

Naol unedited