Everything Started on New Year's Eve

Ayoko ng Torpe

I caught up with Jaxx as he was jogging in the village. He was wearing his blue tooth earphones I wasn’t sure he could hear me, so I tapped his shoulder instead. He looked at me and gave me a fake smile before jogging away. Stunned, I slowed down and just walked. I was doing my cool down anyway.

Ano naman problema nun? He’s been acting so aloof since Val’s birthday. One day he was nice and friendly the next day he was cold and agitated, ready to snap your head off. He’d ask me to hang out with him and we’d have a good time, but a few days later, he’s back to being a tease and a pighead. He’d be like an ardent suitor one instance, then the next, I’m dropped like a hot potato because of whatever reason.

 He was so confusing and nalilito na tong puso kong umaasa kahit na ilang beses ko nang sinabihang ‘wag umasa.

 May nangyayari na naman ba sa kanila ni Grace? Is she playing around with him again?

 So ano ako, pampalipas oras lang? Since Grace is unavailable, ako na lang kasi I always made myself available for him?

 I shook my head and scolded myself. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to do it, he doesn’t mean to use me. How could he? He doesn’t see me that way. He sees me as a friend and of course, a friend would come second, after the love interest. But my stupid heart never listens. It never listened.

 I was feeling more deflated and more pissed by the end of my cool down. When I finished my stretches at the park, Jaxx arrived. Nawalan na ako ng gana makipag interact sa kanya so I just turned around before he saw me and headed home.

 Stupid guy. Bat sya sakin magalit diba if he had issues with his ex?

 As I was about to cross the street to my house, he called me. I pretended not to hear and just walked on. He persisted and just before I could open the gate, he was already holding my arm.

 “Hey, I’ve been calling you.” He said panting.

 “Sorry, di kita narinig.” He looked at my ears that were devoid of any electronic device and raised his eyebrows but decided against saying anything that can agitate me. “How can I help you?”

 “No need to be so formal.” He chuckled still trying to catch his breath, showing me his dimple through his lop-sided grin. “Are you free tonight?”

 I sighed. How can I stay mad at this guy? But he was so lukewarm I didn’t know how to feel around him anymore.

 “For what?”

 “I found this nice jazz lounge in Makati, I’d like to take you there.”

 “Ako ba talaga gusto mong kasama dyan.” It was a statement laced with skepticism as I gave him a bored look. Was Grace not available again? He squinted and scrunched his eyebrows, gauging my reaction before he opened his mouth.

 “Of course. I mean, who else should I take?”

 “I don’t know. Someone you’re more interested in. It’s not like we’re a couple na ako lang ang pwede mong dalhin dun, diba?” I shrugged and turned around to open the gate. I was hurting but I had to do this. I had to say no to him.

 “Hey, whoa. What’s gotten into you?” he held my arm again. I thought I saw an irritated look on his face briefly before he hid it behind is teasing smile.

 “Nothing. Look, sorry I can’t tonight.”

 “Well, okay.” He said a bit surprised. I gave him a forced smile. I couldn’t pretend I was okay.

 “Maybe some other time?” He said uncertainly and frowned. Hindi naman sya nanumbat, pero hindi din sya kombinsido na ayaw kong sumama.

 “Maybe.” I shrugged and turned to the gate. “Have a good day.”

~*~*~*~

The next few weeks were filled with practices for Ace’s birthday. And with my unresolved personal issues, it was like playing hide and seek with him – I was hiding, he was seeking. Hindi lang pala siya ang may issue sa feelings. Ako na rin pala. I didn’t know what I was feeling anymore.

 It was clear that I adored him and I would easily do almost anything for him. Maybe that’s why I’m suddenly feeling afraid and insecure, and bent on self-preservation. I’m probably just one of the many girls who would fall at his feet and while he chooses to hang out with me now, it scares me because I’m expecting something when I shouldn’t be.

 But how could I not? He was a different person when we were together. Ever since that Thursday that we went to Antipolo, he had been acting sweet and thoughtful towards me even when there were people around.

 Even Val noticed this, to think minsan lang syang present. There were lingering glances, unnecessarily longer touches here and there, and he put effort in taking me more private and intimate places to “hang out”. He’d be like an ardent suitor one instance, then the next, I’m dropped like a hot potato because of whatever reason. And at the back of my head, the thought of Grace still haunted me. Maybe it was her that’s making Jaxx unreliable.

 That night in Antipolo didn’t help at all, the part where he was going to do something about his being single. Nagugulohan talaga ako sa status namin ngayon. Ako lang ba ang nahuhulog para sa kay Jaxx? Pero sa lahat nga actions nya, siguro naman may konting nararamdaman din sya para sa akin? Bwisit siya kung wala at pinapa-asa nya lang ako!

 I know I shouldn’t be so affected by his invitations, pero naman kasi hindi tumitigil tong lintik na puso kong umasa e. I knew he was a certified pa-fall guy. Why did I even play this game with him?

 Ace’s birthday fell on a Tuesday, so we decided to celebrate it on the Saturday before his big day. As usual, I picked up Val from her house and we headed to Camachile Sky. When we got there, it was already a full house. We weren’t due to play in an hour but suddenly I’m getting nervous.

 “Daming tao ah. Anong meron?” Val asked no one in particular.

 “Birthday ni Ace.”

 “So ano, celebrity status na ba kayo?” she smiled mockingly and laughed.

 “Hindi naman masamang mangarap. May radio guesting na sila ha. Kami pala. But ewan ko nga e, Jaxx is leaving, and I’m going into residency so I don’t know how long this will last.” I said regretfully as I was parking.

 “Yeah, just ride the wave. Then just crash and burn. Or whatever it is that they say.” She waved her hand. We got out of the car and I went around the trunk to get my guitar. I was about to reach for the handle of the liftgate when my nose caught the faint scent of woody musk, bergamot, and spice. I leaned closer to the source. Oh gosh that smells wonderful!

 “Hey, need help?”

 I opened my eyes to see Jaxx, holding the door and looking down at me with an amused smirk. I pull away immediately.

 “What perfume is that?” I smiled innocently at him.

 “Hmmm, I’m not sure. Eau de moi?” he laughed lightly and I rolled my eyes. The playful conceit made me smile.

 He closed the door and I locked it. He spontaneously took the guitar from my hand and slung it over his shoulder na parang lagi nya nang ginagawa. Hinanap ko si Val because we all know it had to be chicks before d***s.

 “I think she already left,” Jaxx said, pointing at the bar entrance where Val waved at us before she got in.

Aah, there goes my wingman. Seems like di ko na sya kailangan pa?

 “Tara?” I nodded at Jaxx and turned around. He placed his hand on the small of my back and moved it across my shoulders as we walked side by side towards the bar. Pagkapasok namin, the place was already buzzing and people were standing and walking around looking for tables. Jaxx pulled me behind him as we weaved our way through the crowd. Hawak-hawak nya kamay ko all the while and I could have sworn my underwear made its way to the floor the moment he turned around and smiled to check if I was okay.

 When we got to the bar where everybody else was, Jaxx casually let go of my hand but not before Grace saw it. I did not know she would make an appearance tonight.

 I wonder if he let go of my hand because she was there. Nakita kong umangat ng napaka-subtle ang isang kilay niya and an unfriendly emotion briefly made it on her face. What was it? Jealousy? Anger? Bitterness? I was not able to decipher it as she flashed us her winsome cover page-worthy smile.

 “Hi, Cara! Haven’t seen you around. It’s been a long time.” She stood up from where she was seated and made her way to me, drink in hand. She exaggeratedly tripped on something and then half of her cocktail was on my top. Nakita kong umirap si Seb. Umangat din ang kilay ni Chino at napailing sya bago sya uminom ng beer.

 “Oh my God, I am so sorry! I tripped on something, I’m not sure what.” She covered her mouth and acted remorseful, her eyes big with worry that was not really there. “I’m so sorry!”

 “Ah, s**t. Well. There’s not much we can do about that now, is there?” I gave her a sarcastic smile, making sure she understood that I did not buy her bullshit apology and the act altogether. I leaned forward and pulled the blouse off my chest.

 Val returned with Ace, with two cocktails in hand: my strawberry mojito and what looks like a margarita. She and Aced stopped chatting as she looked between the two of us and saw my wet top. Her eyes narrowed at Grace who moved closer to Jaxx looking for support. Humigpit ang pagkahawak ni Val sa baso ng mojito ko and she was about to say something nasty when Chino walked smoothly towards me with a bored look on his face.

“Don’t sweat it Cars, I have an extra shirt in my car, kunin ko.” He said it like he was whispering to my ear but it was loud enough for Grace and Jaxx to hear. With that, he moved closer to Ace telling him he’ll be back.

 With one last glare at Jaxx and Grace, Val pulled on the sleeve of my top with her pinky finger since her hands were full. Tumabi kami kay Seb at tiningnan nya ang basa kong blouse.

 “Kung wet T-shirt contest lang to, ikaw na panalo. Gusto mo check ko kung may nakaiwan ng bra sa likod ng auto ko?” He joked tastelessly and laughed.

 “Yuck! Kadiri ka talaga Seb!” I slapped his shoulder.

 “Kasya ba dyan ang big babies ni Cara?” Val chimed in.

 “Isa ka pa, manyak ka! Kala ko ba you’re my friend?” I pointed my finger at Val who was sniggering beside Seb.

 “Ano, ipapatid ko na ba si Val?” he smirked.

 “Di mo na kailangang gawin yan. I can just throw this drink at her because the b***h deserves it.” Val’s scowl deepened. She handed me my drink while she took a sip of hers.

 “Inom na lang natin yan. Let’s not cause a scene, masyado pang maaga.” I took a long sip of my drink and tried to laugh the situation off.

 “Oo, saka na tayo gumawa ng eksena pagkatapos natin tumugtog, para good mood na sina Ace at Jaxx. After that, all bets are off.”

 “I thought you and Chino were ok na with Grace? I still can’t believe na mapapatawad mo sya but well, that’s your choice.” Val asked.

 “I did not forgive her, hello! But Jaxx was very protective of her. However, may limit din ang pagiging plastic ko. Nalusaw na ang Orocan sa lahat ng asido na na naimpok ko sa mga panahong nakalipas”

 I snorted and looked at Seb in utter confusion, “Say whaaaat, bro??”

 Tamang-tama, Chino returned and handed me a fresh shirt. When I unfolded it to check it’s size, I was surprised.

 “Sayo to? May shirt si Jaxx na ganitong-ganito, the sleeves also ripped off. Uso ba to sa inyo?” it was a faded brownish gray cotton shirt with a picture of The Ramones printed up front. The sleeves were off and the armholes were cut a bit bigger. My bra could be seen through them the moment I would raise my arms. Buti nalang I had a presentable lacy black bralette on. Otherwise, super dyahe for the audience to see some faded pink undergarment.

 “They’re Jaxx’s. He caught up with me sa parking lot and he said shirt nya na lang since feeling niya he is partly responsible. Besides, you’ll look hotter in that. Mamamatay sa inis yung dis-Gracia na yun.” He chuckled deviously and held up is hand to Seb who gave him a high five. Val laughed maniacally.

 “Oh my God! My boys! Where have you been all this time?! God! All the while feeling namin ni Cara ang sama sama namin for not supporting Jaxx and dis-Gracia –I like the pseudonym, by the way.” She licked the salt on the rim of her glass and finished her drink. She placed her glass on the countertop and patted Seb’s and Chino’s backs thrice, resting them on their shoulders thereafter. “Whoow! This is going to be a very interesting night! Let’s move on to the hard drinks!”

 Two hours later, we already finished our first set, the one where we played our original songs. The crowd was already hyped and they were awaiting our second set.

 I kept my distance from Grace the entire night, and it seemed she had learned to keep herself away from us as well. Too bad, I did not get to spend as much time with Jaxx as I wanted. But I think it’s for the best. At least may reason ako to hold back, because clearly, he still has something with Grace, or for her.

 I was leaning on the bar and looking blankly ahead as the rest of Green Skrambol began the second set when someone tapped my shoulder from behind. When I turned to look, I was greeted with a jubilant Unicorn girl who screamed and hugged me tightly. Behind her were Fratboy and Adidas guy.

 “Oh my gosh that shirt looks really good on you! You looked so hot kanina, lahat ata ng mga lalaki here were drooling over you.” Fratboy and Adidas guy laughed at Unicorn girl who was clearly tipsy. Fratboy wrapped his arm around Unicorn girl to keep her steady.

 “I heard that’s Jaxx’s shirt? Uuuuyy… kayo na ba? Ano yan, morning-after-s*x shirt? ” She wiggled her eyebrows and pushed me a little too strongly and I had to laugh. She was so straightforward I was caught off guard! I don’t know why but my heart fluttered and several butterflies took flight in my stomach when she teased me. Para talaga tong high school all over again. Di ko na sya nasagot because Fratboy excused his friend and pulled her away. I just nodded and waved at them.

 After they left, I realized I was alone. Nasaan na nga ba si Valerio? I was searching the crowd for her when suddenly I heard my name being called from the speakers.

 “Cara, this one’s for you!” It was Val. She was on stage with the band. Oh no, anong nangyayari? Gagang ito, anong gagawin niya?

 The drums started rolling in and Ace was holding in his laugh. Jaxx was smiling widely and shaking his head as if the joke was on him. They were playing “Torpe” by Hungry Young Poets and Seb was looking straight at me as he started lip-syncing with Val. He mouthed the lyrics “hari ng katorpehan” while pointing his eyes at Jaxx.

 As the song was about to finish, the crowd together with Val, Seb, Ace and Chino were bouncing and singing, “Ayoko ng torpe! Ayoko ng torpe!” Seb upped the ante by pointing at Jaxx, egging the crowd to do the same, while they continued to sing.

 Jaxx now laughed and shouted obscenities at Seb, but the crowd drowned this. He caught me looking at him, and he gave me one of his boyish smiles and just shrugged his shoulders. I was giggling at my seat, kilig na kilig.

 Bakit ba ako kinikilig? I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t stop smiling and the butterflies in my stomach were in a frenzy.

 He sang with them, smiling and looking at me. When Chino saw this, he stopped playing, took a mic and held it in front of Jaxx as he sang the last line loud and clear, looking me in the eyes when he said the last three words.

 “Ayoko ng torpe, pero gusto kita.”