Everything Started on New Year's Eve

Netflix and Platonic

The next several days, I could not get my thoughts of Grace and Jaxx out of my head. Why did I feel what I felt? Ano ba ito, nagseselos ba ako? Pero bakit ba ako magseselos? I had no right! Wala namang kami, at malabong magkaroon.

So, once again, Cara, you have to stop this nonsense! I kept on reminding myself.

I really should move on from Jaxx. Ten years. Tama na Cara. Nagka-boyfriend nga ako, asshole naman. Then there was the almost-lover in med school, but I was too busy helping a heartbroken Seb that time I put my love life on hold. Or maybe I wasn’t ready? Then I think I said ‘no’, di ko talaga maalala. I still thought about Vince occasionally, but it wasn’t as often as I thought about Jaxx, and the intensity of the feelings was also to a lesser degree.

Even when I was in med school, I kept on comparing all my suitors to Jaxx, how they weren’t as funny or how they weren’t as charming. Or how they weren’t as smart or as reckless. I was hungover Jaxx but he was still hungover with Grace at that time. After five years, hindi pa rin sya over kahit na everyone knew pinaglalaruan lang sya and pinapa-asa sa wala. Since the day na naging sila, she was a constant in his life.

 She constantly made him miserable, she constantly broke his heart, and yet he constantly hooked up with her when she was around. He was endlessly drawn to her like a moth to a flame, even though he knew of the consequences. He was frustrating to deal with the next years after their break-up. He played around and still went back to her with a snap of her fingers.

 Whenever I think of their toxic relationship I can’t help but think of Bruno Mar’s Grenade. Because it was true, he would have caught a grenade for her and he was willing to put his hands on a blade for her. But she just watched him burn in the flames she herself ignited. Repeatedly, na parang sirang plaka … sirang plaka ...sirang plaka.

 Hindi ko maalaa ang exact moment na tumigil syang maging tanga para kay Grace. Kung ano man ang nangyari or kung nabagok ba ng malakas ulo nya, basta isang araw natauhan sya and we were very thankful. But despite that, she still lingered and they still hang out whenever Grace was in Manila. He said it was just as friends, but we knew their relationship had the benefits clause.

 He wasn’t the same Jaxx, though. He was scarred, and his heart was closed off. It will probably take some time before he would open up again and I had this insane notion na baka pwedeng ako ang babaeng magturo sa kanyang mag mahal ulit. But I guess that was what it was: an insane notion without basis.

 Hindi naman ganito ka lala yung feelings ko for him before I took this gap year. But because araw-araw na kami halos magkasama and we got to know each other even more – the quirks, mood swings, pet peeves, how to handle each other if it was a bad day – all these things made our relationship more intimate and kahit na magkaiba ang aming mundo – he worked in the corporate and IT world and I in the medical field – we were able to make our own little corner in the universe, unwittingly.

 We shared some special moments na kaming dalawa lang. We bonded over beer and chips or coke with isaw, we were able to share long comfortable silences with each other, nag ne-Netfilx and literal chill kami at his condo when I’d be bored and he is too tired to go out. Parang kami na, but platontic.

 Dammit, Cara, akala ko ba tapos na tayo dito? Haven’t we decided na we won’t pursue him anymore? I shook my head to cut my train of thoughts; it was getting depressing.

 I checked the time 3:28 PM. We planned to have practice today and hang out afterwards. I should just cancel again. I don’t feel like hanging out with them when Grace is around. She was so perfect externally it was hard to hate her if you didn’t know how she maltreated Jaxx all those years. Besides, Ace’s birthday wasn’t 'til next month so marami pang time to practice. Right now, I just cannot deal with Jaxx and Grace, when my ridiculous heart cannot be reasoned with.

When did I fall for him? When did this happen? The last time I checked, I was just attracted to him, then I was hopelessly devoted. When I decided that I was hopelessly devoted, in love na rin ba ako nun? God, why was I making things so complicated!

I groaned and rolled to my side. I had been in bed almost the entire day, listless and downhearted. Hindi rin pala okay maging bum. You have too much time in your hands, di mo alam kung ano gagawin. And ngayon, I’m spending all of it thinking of Jaxx and Grace, nakaka-bwisit tuloy. I picked my cellphone and texted Ace.

Me

Sent to * Ace 3:31 PM

“Hey Ace, rain cheque ako for practice later and tambay thereafter. Been feeling under the weather.”

* Chinoboy

Sent 3:34PM

“Wag kang madrama. Get your ass to practice. I’ll pick you up so you won’t have to drive.”

Me

Sent to * Chinoboy 3:34 PM

“Wag kang makialam. Magkatabi ba kayo?”

 * Chinoboy

Sent 3:35 PM

“Kung magkatabi kami e di sana di kita madadaanan later.”

 Me

Sent to * Chinoboy 3:36 PM

“I’m not going and wag kang magulo kung ayaw mo magka-dysmenorrhea.”

 * Chinoboy

Sent 2:36 PM

“Oh time of the month. Ok fine. Get better soon. J”

 Me

Sent to * Ace 3:37 PM

“Magkatabi ba kayo ni Chino?”

 I was awakened by the shrill ring of my phone. Di ko namalayang nakatulog ako while waiting for Ace’s reply. When I opened my eyes, my room was already filled with shadows, the last rays of the setting sun peaked through the leaves of the trees outside my window. I rubbed my eyes to check the time and the caller: 5:23 PM. It was Ace.

 “Hello?” I groggily answered.

 “Hey, you okay? Sorry di kita nasagot, I was in a meeting. We just finished.”

 “Yeah I’m ok, I’m just not feeling very well.” I tried to be more vague and talk less. Less talk, less mistakes.

“Sabi ni Chino may dysmenorrhea ka?”

“Yeah.. bakit nga ba si Chino sumagot sa text ko sayo?” 

“I forwarded the message to him. I was also in a meeting that time and di kita masagot. I told him to take care of the matter. Bakit ano sabi niya?”

“Wala naman. Nagulat lang ako.” I turned to the other side of the bed and reached for the lamp on my table. My room was getting darker by the minute and kailangan ko nang lumabas dito. After a few moments of silence, Ace spoke again.

“Cara, yung totoo. Why aren’t you going to practice? I don’t believe you na dine-dysmenorrhea ka. That was your excuse last week.” His voice was not accusatory but I can tell that there was more to his question. He knew something but he wanted to fish it out from me. I knew that he knew the reason why I didn’t want to go but he was just playing dumb.

“What? Do you keep tabs on my excuses now?” I asked incredulously even though he caught me red-handed.

 “You can only use that card once a month. Think of a better excuse. Di pwedeng tinatamad ka kasi wala kang ibang ginagawa.” I heard the door close. After a while heard shuffling and typing in the background.

 “Am I on speakerphone?”

 “Uh, Yes. I’m finishing an email before I forget to send it.” He continued to type for some time, I could hear the flurry of keys clicking. Then, there were a few pauses between keystrokes and finally after one last punch, “Sent. O so ano na, are you coming? Chino can pick you up.”

 “Nah, I’ll pass Ace. Chino can play bass. Andiyan naman si Seb, complete na kayo.”

 “Is this about Grace?” And there it was, he let the cat out of the bag. No wait let me rephrase that: he let the b***h out of the bag. I heard a chair squeak in the background. He was probably rocking in his swivel chair, nag-iisip ng paraan kung pano ako papuntahin ng practice.

 “You know how I feel about her, I don’t want to upset Jaxx. Mabuti na yung let’s keep the peace by avoiding any confrontation.”

 “Sabi na nga ba e. You and Val are avoiding us like the plague.”

 “Well, we both feel the same way about her. I don’t know how you guys handle it, to still be all nice and chummy chummy sa kanya despite knowing that she broke Jaxx into a hundred pieces over and over again. Hindi ko kaya. And mas lalong hindi ko kaya to witness na mangyari na naman because she’s all over him. Hindi ko naman sya pwedeng palayasin because that is Jaxx’s prerogative.”

 “Hmmm…So you’re just going to sit back and watch it happen?”

 “Aren’t you doing the same thing, if not worse?” I scoffed.

 “Bakit worse?”

 Oh my God, he can NOT be serious with that question! I was already irritated at the thought of Grace digging her nasty claws on Jaxx’s being, more so with the fact that they want to hang out with her. And there he was, dumb as f**k, asking me how he was worse than me being annoyed but holding myself back. Totoo ba tong tinatanong nya? This is preposterous!

 “Because you’re actually entertaining her and making her feel welcome! E di feeling niya na ok lang kayo sa ginawa niya, it’s no big deal kasi you still accept her and make her feel like a queen. Nagpapaka-tuta land din kayo sa kanya! Sorry guys but di gumagana sa amin ni Val yang mga pangiti-ngiti nya at mga pang aakit nya. You may all fall at her feet but not Val and I. However, we respect your choice. If you want to be her friend, go ahead. Pero wag nyo kaming piliting makipag plastikan sa kanya.”

 “I’m surprised you actually feel that strongly against her.”

 “I’m surprised you don’t! This is ridiculous, Ace, you were there the entire time! You were with Jaxx when he was at his lowest point, kulang na lang tumalon yun sa Guadalupe bridge. You were there when nag OD siya on their what, fiftieth break up? He was a zombie just going to work and doing things routinely to survive.

“How are you not doing anything right now to stop it from happening again? How can you still be friends with that b***h? Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa nya sa kaibigan natin, pano nyo sya natitiis? She almost killed Jaxx! How can you not want to strangle her and pull her hair and push her face down the toilet bowl each time you see her, huh? Paano Ace? Paano? Kasi putang ina, hindi ko kaya!”

I was now breathing hard, nose flaring, and my face was heating up. I sat up in bed, unable to contain my anger. I ran a hand through my hair, fisting it and pulling on it halfway down. This guy is unbelievable. I cannot believe he just said that. How can they be so complacent?

“And Seb! After everything that happened! Gusto ko kayong ---“

 “Hey hey hey! Calm down! Tama na, yung high blood mo. Sige na, you don’t have to go to practice. We can’t talk about this right now kasi Seb will be here any minute.”

 “Ugh! I hate you!” I hung up the phone and slammed in on my bed. I was so mad at Ace for riling me up and cutting me off just like that.

 I stood up and stormed out of my room but as I opened the door, I stubbed my pinky toe.

 “Aray! Putang ina, son of a b***h!” I screamed in pain and pounded my closed fist against the door jam. Of all the times that this could happen, it had to happen now. Now that I’m already fuming pissed at Ace and the guys. Now that I have been in a foul mood for days, and now that my mom just took the last step of the stairs and was about 5 feet away from me.

 Nanlaki mga mata mi Mommy, gulat na gulat sa lutong ng mura ko, but she quickly recovered her composure. “Language, Scarlet. That is not how a lady speaks.”

 She walked past me, closing the door to their room gently. I released the gasp I was holding, along with the string of curses under my breath. If I were even just a little bit more paranoid, I could have sworn I fractured my toe.

 ~*~*~*~

 "Valie Valerio! Ano balak mo sa birthday mo?” bungad ni Chino as he walked into the lanai in Val’s house. Maggo-group study daw kami kahit iba-iba naman pag-aaralan namin.

 “Hey Chingkit, salingkit! Bar crawl tayo nyan, dude! May naisip na akong route and mga pupuntahan natin.”

 Sinara ni Val ang Dermatology book na inaaral niya at binuksan ang laptop para ipakita kay Chino ang plans nya for her birthday. Si Chino naman nilalabas pa lang mga libro at highlighters nya at isa-isang nilalapag sa table.

 “Tagal pa nun ah. Excited?” I asked as I continued to observe Chino habang nilalapag nya ang sandamakmak niyang highlighters. “Chino, napaka-OC mo naman! Ano yan, isang color bawat linya?”

 “Sayo ko kaya to natununan! Pink para sa title ng chapter, Blue for the header, Green for terms, yellow for the definition. Buti nga sticky notes lang gamit ko. Ikaw may underline and encircle ka pa na pula.” Pangutya niya.

 “Nakapagmove-on na ako dyan no, kasi hampas-lupa mga groupmates ko at laging nine-nenok highlighters ko. Kaya dermatograph na ako and green marker. And red sign pen.” I explained.

 “E kay Jaxx, nakapag move-on na ka?” banat ni Val.

 “Huy, pucha, ano to?” naging bilog ang singkit na mata ni Chino.

 “Onga, Val, ano to?” sinamaan ko sya ng tingin at kinikindatan na tigilan ako.

 “Cara, nakikita ko signals mo. Baka di mo pansin nakabukas mata ko.” inirapan ako ni Chino at tinanggal ang glasses niya, turning to Val.

 “Anyway, moving on. San tayo sa birthday mo, Val?” I smiled sweetly at Val. Natawa na lang sya at hindi na nya dinugtungan pa ang sinumulan nya.

 Hindi na kami nakapag-aral because after we discussed Val’s bar crawl plans, she showed Chino yung mga pictures and videos nung birthday ni Seb na hindi nai-post.

 I was staring at a video of Jaxx and a drunken me, nung binuhat nya na ako papasok ng gate namin. Of course si Seb nagvideo sa amin kasi wala syang ibang matinong gawin.

 “Hoy Cara, hinding-hindi ko ‘to ide-delete. ipapakita ko to sa wedding day mo. I will make sure of it! Lintik ka nawala amats naming lahat dahil naghuramentado ka kanina” angal ni Seb.

 Mukha akong taong-grasa na napulot nila sa tabi ng daan, gulu-gulo pa ang buhok at ang dumi ng pantalon ko. San ba ako gumulong-gulong?

 "Ace, can you support her back? She might fall. And make sure she isn’t crushing her hands, I can feel her something sharp on my back, it might be her ring.” Jaxx told Ace.

“And can you..can you turn her face to the side a little more? I can feel her breath on my neck.” Parang nahirapan si Jaxx sabihin iyon. He adjusted me again over his back.

 “You don’t like the feel of her breath on your neck? Bakit, tinitigasan ka p’re?” gagong tanong ni Seb. He focused the phone cam sa crotch ni Jaxx, sabay tawa. Timing bumukas na yung gate.

 “Mahal ka nun.”

 “Huh?”

 “Character evidence.”

 “Naku Chingks wag mo nang ipa-asa pa friend natin. Aalis pa naman si loverboy.” Sabi ni Val while patting my head.

 He shrugged. “Just saying.”

 “We should study.” I cleared my throat, pretending to read the open book in front of me,

 I didn’t want to hope.