Twisted Affection

TWENTY-FIVE

I looked away and sighed. Kinakapa ko pa ang nararamdaman ko pero hindi na katulad ng dati ang nararamdaman ko kapag nakikita ko siya. Maybe I'm too emotional back then because I'm pregnant.

“I don't hate you, Zairon. Nagalit lang ako ng husto sa ginawa mo pero nangyari na rin at wala na rin namang papatunguhan kung magagalit pa ako.” Tumango siya at nakatingin lang sa harap.

"I... I did regret what I did to you, especially when I heard that our baby was gone," Tila may sumuntok ng malakas sa puso ko. Nakayuko ako at hindi siya tiningnan. "I'm sorry for manipulating you... I was just too desperate."

He took a deep breath. "I don't want to get married, Laurene." He suddenly added.

I turned my gaze back to him and we locked eyes again. "I don't want to get married because I'm afraid to love someone. I'm afraid that if I love someone, they will end up like the people I cared about the most. The more I showed that I care, the more they started to hate me as if I were a pest."

Nalungkot ako sa sinabi niya. He’s opening up to me. “But you still have your twin, your siblings.”

Mapait siyang napangiti. “Yes, I have a twin but I don't feel like he cared for me. We may be in good terms but I don't know.. I still don't get him.” Hindi ako sumagot. I heard about him from Zaiden and when I heard Zairon, Naguguluhan na tuloy ako.

I wanted to ask him about the deal that Zaiden was talking about, but if he knows about it, he'll realize that Zaiden and I are still in touch. There's a part of me that wants to know his side of the story, to see if that reason is really true.

He averted his gaze and looked at the sky. "The first time I fell in love was the best experience I've ever had. But, it turns out I was showing too much and the woman I loved didn't even try to acknowledge it," He looked down at the ground again. "But I'm okay now... it's been three years, hasn't it?"

Kahit magpanggap akong hindi ako naapektuhan, hindi kaya ng puso ko. Pinagtatabuyan ko siya noon at naging makasarili ako. I only thought about my feelings, not his. I didn't even try to listen to him and just jumped to conclusions.

“I’m sorry..” Tanging nasabi ko dahil kahit maging in denial pa rin ako ay alam kong ako ang pinahiwatig niya kaya lang ay hindi ko pa rin mapaniwalaan na minahal niya talaga ako. Zaiden's words keep blocking what I feel.

Umiling siya at ngumiti sa akin ng matipid. “I know already, Laurene. No, worries, I learned to control myself. I can even endure countless pain dahil manhid na ako,” Tumayo na siya at nag stretch ng braso. “I've been better now. Thank you for staying with me. This is my first time to share something personal to you. Nakakagaan rin pala. My very first time sharing with others at sayo pa.”

He chuckled and then extended his hand in front of me. "I guess, being a gentleman for once can change your perspective about me?" I didn't know if he was joking or not, but I found myself placing my hand in his.

Tumayo na rin ako at nginitian ko rin siya pero hindi pa rin mawala-wala sa utak ko ang sinabi niya sa’kin. Maybe, they just misunderstood each other. My concern right now kung totoo ba talagang may deal sila ng lolo niya. Hindi naman siguro aabot ng ganito kung magsisinungaling si Zaiden sa’kin. Hindi ko pa rin kayang sabihin ang totoo dahil natatakot akong baka mali ang hinala ko sa kaniya.

Sabay kaming naglakad ni Zairon palabas ng park at hindi ko maiwasang tiningnan siya. I didn't even try to get to know Zairon and here he was, opening up to me. I didn't know anything about him and the only thing that came to my mind now was to get to know him in order to understand his side. I can't just judge someone dahil hindi ko naman sila kilala. I know a lot about Zaiden but there are things na may hindi pa ako natuklasan sa kaniya.

I should be balanced. I should have discovered it by myself. Hindi dapat ako magbabase sa sasabihin ng iba dahil kahit kadugo pa ‘yan o matalik na kaibigan, they can destroy you emotionally. I knew Zaiden because I tried to get to know him and I should have tried to get to know Zairon too. If I did, I can come up with a decision if I tell him about the twins or not. Depende pa rin naman sa akin ang desisyon.

Kailangan kung kilalanin muna kung sino si Zairon Aero Galvin. Kailangan ko munang kilalanin ang ama ng mga anak ko.

I found myself browsing on my laptop. Hindi ako makatulog kaya ay sinubukan kong mag browse- browse about Zairon. I’m good with technology, asset ko na yata ‘to noon pa kaya nga ay na stalk ko ng mabilis si Zaiden noon. Even the smallest details about his life, alam ko. Although, hindi naman lahat nakikita sa computer kaya minsan ay personal talaga akong nagoobserba kahit para na akong tanga noon.

I found out that he graduated from Cambridge. Sa, Harvard kaya? He's also famous there dahil marami siyang pictures when he was still a student, kadalasan stolen shots. I tried chatting one of his colleagues at ma swerte pa ako dahil classmate niya pa.

Nagkwentuhan lang kami at siya na rin ang kusang nagshare about him. He said that he’s always in trouble dahil marami siyang kaaway, outside or inside the school. Kadalasan ay ang dahilan, sa paging mahabol niya sa babae pero wala raw siyang naging girlfriend ni kahit isa. They thought that he's gay. Pero may nahagip ang curiosity ko. May sunog sa isang building at nakita siyang galing roon and he's with a child. But later on, nalaman nalang na sinunog ng sadya sa isa sa mga naging kaaway niya and after many days, the enemies found out dead. Kinilabutan tuloy ako. May kinalaman kaya siya at ano ‘yong illegal na gawain niya sa outside the country? If I ask Zaiden, he may think that I'm interested in Zairon's past.

I searched about it but I searched for nothing. So, paano ko malalaman kung tama ba ang sinasabi ni Zaiden sa akin? Hindi naman sa hindi ako naniniwala, may parte lang talaga sa aking curious ako. It's hard to believe if hindi naman tugma.

“So, where should I ask about it?” I think thoroughly. I put my finger on my chin. “Should I date him?”

Napatakip ako ng bibig. Teka, bakit ko naman iyon gagawin? Gusto ko lang naman siyang kilalanin, wala akong planong i-date siya. Baka nga ako pa ang mapapahiya sa huli. I don't want to use him because I got curious about his life. That's the lease I should do. Hindi pa rin ako naniniwala hanggang ngayon na nahulog talaga siya sa akin dahil kapag naiisip ko iyon, pumaposok naman ang sinabi ni Zaiden na hindi pa siya nahulog sa babae. Pero, three years na iyon. Nag iiba naman ang feelings ng isang tao o kung meron nga ba.

Pero bumabalik pa rin ang date sa isip ko. Pero ayoko talaga, okay? Ayokong gumamit ng tao para lang sa gusto ko.

“Mommy? Good morning..” I turned to look at my baby Cole. He is on his pajama. Kinukusot niya ang mga mata niya.

“Good morning baby! Hug mommy please..” Niluwagan ko ang dalawang braso ko at siya naman ay lumapit sa akin at niyakap ako. Pinaupo ko siya sa aking kandungan at hinalikan sa noo.

“Mommy, who is that?” Tiningnan ko rin ang tinuro ni Cole. He's pertaining to Zairon's picture.

“He's a friend of mine baby..” I sighed, I can’t tell them about him, not yet.

“His eyes are like ate Calia, mommy.”

Napatingin ako sa picture na tinutukoy ni Cole. Of course, because he is your father. "You're right, baby. His eyes are indeed like your sister's," sabi ko sa kanya habang pinapahid ang kanyang buhok.

"Naglalaro kami ni ate Calia kanina, mommy. Gusto ko rin maglaro kasama siya," sabi ni Cole habang tinuturo ang larawan ni Zairon.

Napaisip ako. "Well, baby, maybe one day you can meet him and play with him," sabi ko. Pero hindi ko alam kung kailan mangyayari 'yon. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipapakilala si Zairon sa mga anak namin.

Bumalik ang isip ko sa mga nalaman ko tungkol kay Zairon. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko sa mga impormasyong ito. Gusto kong malaman ang buong katotohanan, pero natatakot din ako. Paano kung mas worse pa pala sa inaasahan ko ang malalaman ko? Sasabihin ko pa rin ba sa kaniya na may anak kami?

Habang iniisip ko ito, napansin ko ang mga mata ni Cole na nakatingin sa akin. "Mommy, are you okay?" tanong niya.

I smiled at him and nodded. "Yes, baby, I'm okay. Let's go and have breakfast, okay?"

Habang naglalakad kami papunta sa kusina, hindi ko maiwasang isipin na baka kailangan ko ngang makipag-date kay Zairon. Hindi para gamitin siya, kundi para malaman ko ang katotohanan. Pero paano ko naman gagawin 'yon? At ano ang sasabihin ko kay Zaiden?

Ang dami kong iniisip. Pero sa ngayon, kailangan kong mag-focus sa mga anak ko. Sila ang pinakaimportante sa akin. At kahit anong mangyari, gagawin ko ang lahat para sa kanila.

I glanced at the clock and only realized that I didn't sleep! s**t, ngayon ko lang napansin! Buong gabi pala akong mulat ang mata! May klase rin ako mamaya! Ito na nga minsan ang problema ko kapag masyado akong focus, hindi ko na alintana. Ganito rin ako noong si Zaiden pa lagi kong pinapriority pero kaibahan naman sila. Iba naman case ni Zairon pero kahit na, I'm still stalking him and I didn't even sleep!

Mabilis akong nakapagbihis nang dumating na si Serina. Dito na rin siya natutulog pero may ginagawa pa siya kahapon kaya umaga na siya nakarating ngayon. Calia is awake too and before she saw Zairon’s picture, sinirado ko na ang laptop ko.

“Ate, ganiyan pa rin suot mo?” I Iooked at my clothes, kung ano ang sinuot ko kahapon ay iyon rin ang suot ko pa rin ngayon.

Napakamot nalang ako ng batok. “I forgot to change. Timplahan mo muna sila ng gatas, Rina. May klase kasi ako ngayon.”

Kinuha ko na ang tuwalya at dumiretso na sa banyo. As I hurriedly changed my clothes, thoughts of Zairon kept lingering in my mind. The idea of dating him to unravel the truth felt daunting, yet an undeniable curiosity tugged at me. But what about Zaiden? How would he react if he found out about my plan?

After freshening up, I went to the kitchen where Serina was feeding the twins. "Ate, may pasok ka pa?" she asked. I nodded. "Yes, Rina. I'll be heading out. Make sure the twins finish their milk, okay?"

I grabbed my bag, making sure my laptop was securely tucked inside. As I walked towards the door, Serina called out, "Ingat ka, Ate!"

The rain had finally subsided, but the wet pavement reflected the morning light. I hailed a tricycle and made my way to the university, my mind still wrestling with the decision to confront Zairon. If I date out of curiosity, parang bumalik naman ang ginawa niya sa akin. He manipulated me back then at ako naman, gagamitin rin siya dahil gusto kong malaman lahat sa kaniya. What should I do now? Maybe, there's another way. Mag dududa talaga siya kapag lumalapit ako ng kusa sa kaniya. At saka, baka nga hindi na siya interasado sa akin.