Reckless

Chapter 54

‘Yan ba ang tingin mo sa’kin, Louis?” Sabi ko.

He knows what happened, pero parang wala na sakanya ‘yun. Does he think I’ll move on after a day?

“Well, you never wanted to give Brion to grandmother and now--”

“I’m trying to overcome the trauma that I’ve been on. Ayokong maapektuhan ko si Brion dahil sa nararamdaman ko.” Sabi ko.

I’ll be direct. I’m not like him. Hindi ako katulad niya na mas inuna pa maghanap ng girlfriend. I know I pushed him away, but he gave up so easy,

“Think whatever you want, but I never flirted with another guy ever since the day I left you.” Dagdag ko

I don’t think he knew about that. Nung umalis siya sa pilipinas kahit isang balita wala na akong narinig sa kanya at wala din akong balak alamin pa.

It was his choice to leave and I gave him the freedom too.

“You pushed me away.” Sabi nito.

“I did. Hindi naman kita sinisisi. I’m just letting you know what happened just in case you don’t know about it dahil ganyan ka kung mag isip sa’kin.”

God. I was so drunk and sleepy earlier pero bakit [parang nawal alahat ng ‘yun? Naglakad ako papunta sa kama ko dahil dito kami tumigil sa sofa.

“You may go,” I said.

“I wanted to talk to you--”

“And I’m clearly not in the right state to talk to you unless it’s really that important?”

He stopped and sighed. See? I’m sure it’s not that important. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan niya pa pumunta ng ganito kalayo para lang sabihin sa’kin yung mga walang kwentang naiisip niya.

“Brion’s not here. If you want to see him, go to lola’s.”

“That wasn’t my intention why I came here.” Sabi niya.

“So? What about it?” Sabi ko habang nakapikit ang mga mata ko/ Kunyari nalang na inaantok na ako para tumigil na siya.

Ang sakit sakit ng ulo ko. Nasobrahan din siguro ako sa inom. I’m pretty sure I’ll have a hang over tomorrow.

“It can wait. You can rest for now.”

Hindi na ako nagsalita pa. Ilang minutos na ako nakapikit pero wala pa din akong naririnig mula sakanya.

Ah bahala ka diyan.

-

Mahigit isang oras na yata akong nakapikit. I opened up my eyes and saw Louis’s face. He’s sleeping beside me.

Hindi ko naramdaman na humiga siya. Inaabangan ko siyang umalis sa kwarto pero parang wala siyang balak.

If his girlfriend knew about this, they’ll surely break-up. Kung ako nasa sitwasyon ng girlfriend niya at ganito ang ginagawa niya? I’d feel really bad.

No one deserves a man who doesn’t love them enough unless it’s a cheater. Kapag cheater naman, well deserve nila ang isa’t isa kung ganoon.

Gusto ko man pagsabihan si Louis na umalis na ay hindi ko magawa. He seems sleepy and tired. Sigurado ako buong araw rin siya nagtrabaho.

Louis is a hardworking man. Baka masyado na nanaman siya nagbabad sa gawain.

Whatever. Why do I sound so concern and it seems like I really know him? God. So annoying.

Hindi ko rin basta basta matanggal ang ganitong mga actions towards him. Of course he was my ex and I cared about him. A lot.

Ngayon? Not much. Not after what he did. He tried to two time me and his girlfriend. Well, ‘yun naman ang tawag dun diba?

He asked me if we could still be together while he’s in a relationship.

I wonder what his girlfriend look like. Dati, hindi ko talaga maimagine na mapupunta si Louis sa ibang babae at ayoko. Pag iniisip ko palang, parang nagiinit na ang buong katawan ko. Pero kung makikita ko siguro ngayon ay ayos lang.

Phone keeps vibrating. Tinignan ko ‘yun at kinuha. Akala ko sa’kin pero saknaya pala. I looked at the caller ID and the name is ‘My girlfriend’.

There’s a picture of the girl in the background.

God. She’s gorgeous. I know I am pretty but so is she. Hindi ko tuloy mapigilan na ikumpara ang sarili ko.

This girl has a nice body, big boobs and curvy. She looks like an Italian half American. I don’t know. Nag babase lang naman ako sa nakikita ko sa picture.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I answered that call.

“Hon! I miss you so much. How are things in work? Are you still busy? I’ve been waiting for your calls since morning.” Sabi nito.

She was asking me more questions. It seems like this guy right here didn’t give his girl an update. Baka nag overthink na ‘to ng sobra and she has the right too.

Her boyfriend is sleeping beside me, in my bed. Gusto kong sabihin pero ayoko naman makasira ng relasyon.

“Hello? Are you there?” Tanong nito.

Hindi ako nagsalita. Of course I won’t baka mag away pa sila pag gising ni Louis. Wala naman nangyari sa’ming dalawa.

We didn’t flirt or anything. Kapag narinig niya ako, panigurado ang iisipin nun ay nakipag s*x ako kay Louis. That’s now things work in America.

Once you sleep with opposite gender alone, sigurado may mangyayari or may nangyari.

“I can’t hear you if you’re talking. The signals not good again? It’s fine. You can call me back tomorrow.”

Binaba niya na ang call kaya binaba ko na din ang cellphone ni Louis. Binalik ko ‘yun sa lumang pwesto at tumayo.

I can’t sleep here with him.

Bumaba ako at lumipat sa kwarto ni Brion. He has a bed here. He’s growing fast and gusto ko nakahanda na lahat para sakanya while he’s growing up.

Binuksan ko ang fan at humiga sa kama ni Brion. His smell is all over the place. I miss him already.

Kinuha ko ang teddy bear na nasa crib niya dahil ‘yun palagi ang hawak niya. Niyakap ko ‘yun at pinikit ang mga mata ko.

I’m sorry for being the bad mother you could ever have, Brion. I hope he knows that I did everything to be a good mother to him. Sobrang dami kong sinakripisyo para lang maalagaan ko siya.