TRIGGER (COMPLETE UNREVISED VERSION)

Seven

Julianne Victoria 

Sandali akong napatitig sa babaeng ngumingiti sa laptop ko. Halos walang pagkakaiba.

Those big round eyes and long eyelashes na nakuha namin kay dad, yung maliit na lips na kahawig ng kay mom na mamula mula, yung ilong na alam mong may lahing espanyol at yung maliit na cleft chin na katulad ng kay kuya.

Para talaga kaming pinagbiyak na kulangot ni Margaery.

Wag lang talaga kami magsalita, or tignan mabuti yung pilat sa ilalim ng isa kong kilay--- no one can guess who's who.

"Que pasa Victoria?" Hinawi niya yung bangs niya at chineck yung itsura niya sa camera feed.

Dati, pareho lahat ng suot namin, pati buhok at mga gamit. Ngayon, dahil sa excavations niya, halos tan na ang kulay ni Marj at mas maiksi na ang buhok niya kaysa sakin. Mamula mula ang kanyang pisngi habang ako ay parang zombie sa kaputlaan dala ng halos camp out namin sa office ng mga nagdaang araw just to meet deadlines.

"Hola Margaery!" Bati ko habang nakadapa sa higaan. "Kumusta ang Palma de Mallorca?" Nasa Spain siya ngayon para sa isang field analysis. Siya at ang team nilang mga archaeologists ay nandon para mag examine ng mga fossils.

"Ang init dito ngayon ate!" *Ate** kasi matanda ako sakanya ng ilang minuto, pero hanggang ngayon ay pinaghahawakan niya pa din yun.

"Muka nga." nangingiti kong sabi. "I misss you sosososo much Marj. Kung pwede lang tayo magkasama." Halos pabulong yun, at hindi ko mapigilan manggilid ang mga luha sa mata ko.

Sabi nga nila, kung ang magkakapatid ay may lukso ng dugo or kutob, mas lalo na ang mga kambal. Our connection is indescribable--yung parang lalagnatin din ako pag may sakit siya, or masakit sa dibdib pag alam kong napagalitan siya.

Alam kong ilang beses kong naignore yung mga tawag niya dahil sa mga pangayayri this past few days. I know she can sense something's bothering me.

"Believe me V, if there's any way we can be together with 100% assurance of not risking everything, I would leave this hell hole in an instant." huminga siya ng malalim at linaro yung kutsara sa mug na nasa harap niya saka tinitigan ako ng marahan. "Tell me. Hindi ako halos makatulog nung hindi mo sinasagot yung mga tawag ko."

God, I miss her so so much.

"Haay.. wag mo ako pagtatawanan ha?" Medyo napatawa ako. Sa lahat ng usapan namin, halos hindi ako makapag share sakanya ng ganitong mga bagay dahil sa totoo lang wala naman talaga ako makukuwento.

"Oh my god ate. Has your heart of stone began beating for real?" Yup, that's my twin.

Sweet and..harsh.

"Ang subtle mo talaga kahit kailan." Sinimangutan ko siya.

"Lo siento Victoria! I can't help it, finally you're feeling something. Kahit ano pa man yan, I am happy." She bit her thumb to suppress her grin.

"Hmmnn.." Kumuha ako ng unan at linagay sa ilalim ng aking baba para elevated ang mukha ko sa laptop medyo nakakngalay kasi yung nakadapa ng flat.

"Honestly, I don't know how to react especially whenever my emotions are shifting. I mean, normal pa ba to? I'm way too old for pre pubescent feelings Marj..I feel excited, anxious and afraid at the same time. Plus, the triggers..they're starting.." Halos pabulong ko na lang nasabi yung huli.

"Mierda hermana!" Nakita ko ang takot sa kanyang mga mata.

"Have you told mom about it? What happened? s**t Victoria uuwi ako ngayon din, I don't f*****g care if they all find out, I don't want you to be alone in this." Hinilamos nya ang kanyang mga kamay sa kanyang buhok at mukha.

"Marj, please..let's not be hasty about this. I'm sure mom knows what to do. Just stay there okay? I will manage this. Nakayanan ko nga yung impyernong yun dati eh." Mapait kong sabi.

"s**t V...I feel so helpless!!" Itinaas niya ang dalawa niyang kamay at halos maluha luhang sinubukan pakalmahin ang sarili.

"I'll tell mom sa conference call natin maya maya. I just wanted to give you the heads up. Also, I need you to assure them na kaya ko dito. I don't want dad to worry. They have invested too much on this. Sacrificed too much for this. For us." I felt bile in my throat rise as I tried to set aside the flashbacks.

"This is all my fault. I don't know how I can ever make it up to you Ate.." Hindi na mapigilan ang luha sa kanyang mga mata. "s**t, kasalanan ko tong lahat. Kung sana--"

"Marj, don't go there okay? What's done is done. I'm still breathing.. And I think kilig yung tawag dun sa isa sa mga naramdaman ko this past few days." I tried to lighten up the mood by changing the topic.

"V.." Pinunasan nya yung mata niya at huminga ng malalim.

Umiiling iling ako sakanya at alam niyang ayaw ko ng pag usapan yun.

"Okay, you win. I kwento mo lahat ah. Sandali kukuha ako ng chips, mukhang masaya tong kakiligan na sinasabi mo." May inabot siya sa kanyang gilid at nagsimula itong buksan.

"Wow ha, ano ako movie? Baliw ka talaga kahit kailan Marj." Naka de kwatro na kasi siya sa kanyang upuan at kumakain na ng chichirya.

"Hey, ngayon ka lang magkukuwento ng ganito, dapat i enjoy ko. Finally!" Kinindatan niya ako at naghintay.

"Fine. So..remember Andre?" Uminit yung pisngi ko.

"Sabi ko na nga ba!!"Tili nito.

"Paano mo nalaman?" Hindi ko na matago yung pamumula ng pisngi ko, kitang kta ko sa screen yung mukha ko.

"Hello, lagi mo kaya syang nasisingit tuwing kinukumusta ko ang work mo." Sabi niya sabay subo at nguya.

"Ganun? Nakakahiya pala! Hala baka nahalata niya? Oh my god Marj!" Bigla ako napaupo at kinagat yung dulo ng unan sa kaba.

"Relax, I know you naman and konti lang kaming nakakakita ng difference when it comes to the real you. Anyways continue."

"Well, I've had a crush on him for a while now and I intend to keep it to myself. But then he asked me out for coffee. Well, inakbayan niya ako, hinawakan niya yung siko ko and it felt weird--the good kind of weird and I knew I was blushing the entire time."

"Oh my God ate! More.." Nangingisi niyang sabi.

"Akala ko kasi dati si Leslie ang type niya. I think it all started when...You see, I was forced to wear something corporate.."

"Seryoso?" Kumunot ang noo niya at isinantabi ang hawak. "Kumusta?" Nakikiramdam niyang tanong, alam niya kasing isa yung sa mga triggers ko.

"Actually I took some meds. I settled for something close to corporate attire. Hindi ko talaga kaya pa. And when he saw me wearing it, he said I looked hot." Yes, ganito kababa ang self esteem ko when it comes to responding catcalls or whatever you may call it.

"So,I think he liked me for the way that I was dressed, and not for what I really am. I'm innocent but I'm not naive. But I can't help these giddy feelings."

"V, it is damn normal. And I'm so proud of you for knowing the difference. Maaga pa naman para mag assume ka, coffee lang naman daw diba. What harm can it do? You of all people know your way around a coffee shop. Why not bring him to your usual hideout? Besides you have known him for like 2 years now right? And based on your stories about him he seemed like a good guy. But still, it's all up to you.."

"If only ganun kadali. You see, there's another man. And he made me feel intense things Marj. Hindi pang Andre na kilig. I can't even decipher it. And I'm afraid." Niyakap ko ng mahigpit yung unan.

"Holy s**t Victoria bakit hindi mo sinabi yan kaagad!" Pasimple niyang kinuha yung chips at dumukot sabay subo. "Tell me more about Mr. Intense."

"Sira ka talaga may nickname agad?" Huminga ako ng malalim at hindi maiwasan na sumagi ang mukha ni Alexander sa aking isip.

Whoaaa--Alexander. s**t, kelan niya nagawang makipag first name basis sa imagination ko ah?

"Straight to the point na kasi V.." Inayos niya yung kanyang upo at mas lalong lumapit sa camera.

"Well, I met him nung nagpa Gramercy kami nina Les to celebrate the huge account that we just landed. Papunta ako ng cr when I bumped into some guy and natapon ko yung iniinom niya, all of the sudden this beautiful lady---his date---bitched about nonesense and I can't help but fire back at her. Inaway ko siya" I motioned a finger at her to not interrupt. "I'll give you time to react, just let me finish first." Ngumuti ako at sumimangot siya. "So then, ayun grabeng hangover ko kinaumagahan and I almost forgot about a meeting with the ceo of the said account that we just landed. Yun na din yung time na napilitan ako mag skirt at blouse, and Andre called me hot..anyways guess who the ceo was?" I paused.

"Holy s**t yung nakabangga mo sa bar!" Para siyang nasa quiz bee nung sumagot.

"Unfortunately. And he was looking at me.. I mean into my eyes the whole time. I didn't know how I got through the reporting part of the meeting, but when I was done and fixing my things, bigla ko na lang siyang naramdaman sa likod ko and he whispered that I shouldn't wear clothes like what I was wearing that time. I mean Marj, tumaas balahibo ko nun. His lips were so close to my ear and it brushed agaisnt my cheeks when I tilted my head.. It was weird but unlike what I felt with Andre, it was weirdly sensual..Again, I don't know how but I managed to talk back to him. It's like he's bringing out the b***h in me." I gripped the pillow tighter and waited for her to react.

"Okay, first of all may inaway ka? That is so freaking awesome V! It's like a christmas miracle." She giggled. "Oh, and he was staring at you like really looking at you..the inside you." Tumango ako sa sabi niya. "And you said you talked back to him? What did you say?"

"Sabi ko, I don't think there's something wrong with what I was wearing, that maybe he should check in with his thoughts cause that's probably where something's wrong." Nag init yung pisngi ko habang inaalala yung paraan ng pagkakasabi ko sakanya.

"Wow! This is a big change on you V." She smiled genuinely.

"I know, even I--I surprise myself everytime I would react towards him. Anyways, we bumped to each other several days later in their office lobby. I think we have established a silent agreement when it comes to teasing like that. But I was stunned when he asked me to go out with him.."

"Ahhhhhhh!!!!" sigaw niya. "Nakakakilig V!!!" Halos matapon na yung hawak niyang chips sa tili niya. "Tell me more!"

Magsasalita na sana ako ng may lumabas na call notification from mom.

"It's mom, next time pag solo na natin okay lang ba Marj? Ayaw ko muna i share yung ganito alam mo naman sila nina kuya."

"Okay V, conference muna tayong lahat. Thank you for telling me." Ngumiti siya.

"Thanks for listening." Ngumiti din ako sabay swipe ng accept call button.

Bumungad sakin ang isang pamilyar na kusina ng aming bahay. Retro inspired ang mga cabinets at appliances doon, actually halos lahat ng gamit ay mas matanda pa saakin, kung paano na maintain yun nina mom and dad ay hindi ko alam.

"Victoria!Margaery!" Halos mangiyak ngiyak na bati ni mom.

"Hi mom!" Sabay naming bati.

"Anong luto mo?" Kitang kita sa gilid niya na may kumukulo at dahan dahan niya itong hinalo.

"Su paborito nindo mga aki ko. (Yung paborito niyo mga anak ko)" Sabi niya gamit ang local dialect namin na Albayano.

"Gulay na natong!! (Laing)" Sabay naming sigaw ni Marj.

Hindi ko mapigilang ma homesick. Noon pa, favorite na namin ang natong or laing sa tagalog. Lalo na pag ang kapartner nito ay adobo sa asin at bagong hain na kanin. Iba ibang version ang luto nito, at yung kay mom ay hinahayaan niya hanggang sa magmantika ang gata at medyo masunog yung ilalim. Hindi na din mwawala ang sorpresang dulot ng mga siling labuyo na sadyang hinahalo dito. Take note, the spicier the better.

"Mabuti at hindi niyo pa din nakakalimutan." May bahid ng lungkot ang kanyang pagkakasabi.

"Mom, of course we did not forget.." Sabi ni Marj.

"Yung mga baby ba ni kuya ang mga naririnig ko?" May nagsalita off cam and I know kung sino yun.

"Third!" Sabay namin sigaw ulit ni Marj.

Hindi nagtagal, nag materialize na sa harap ng camera si kuya hawak ang isang cute na batang nawawala ang dalawang ngipin sa unahan.

"Hi Jade!" bati ko, hindi pa din mapawi ang ngiti lalo na nung kumaway ito.

"That's it! I am so done here!" Nagulat kaming lahat sa pagkakasabi ni Marj.

"Ano yun Marj?" Tanong ni mom.

"I'm going home. I'm sorry hindi ko na kaya dito. Siguro naman sapat na yung 7 years para makasama ko ulit kayo na pamilya ko. Siguro naman pwede na din umuwi diyan si Victoria. I cannot take this loneliness anymore. I'm sorry, I'm not the strong twin. We all thought I was. But it's you V, you are stronger than me. I'm so sorry. I need you guys." Lahat kami natigilan sa mga sinabi ni Marj.

"I think you should go home too Marj. Give me a month. Siguraduhin ko munang ayos ang lahat." Biglang nagsalita si dad, na nandoon din pala at nakikinig sa likod ng camera.

Humarap siya sa amin at ngumiti. "I miss my daughters so much. And god forgive me, I'll kill anyone who will try to take the two of you from us again." I can see pain and anger in his eyes.

"I'll kill the bastard first before dad knows about it." Determinadong saad ni kuya habang tinatakpan ang tenga ni Jade. "I'll inform our cousin Jared."

"Oh my god, thank you. You don't know how much this means to me. I love you dad, mom, kuya, ate." halos humagulhol na sa iyak si Marj.

And ako, I can't even force myself to cry even if I want to. Some of my emotions are just really kept and have been dormant for a long time.

"Mom, I think I need a session with you." Bigla kong sabi.

And they all understood.

My mother is a well known psychologist and my therapist.

"We'll be visiting you next weekend anak." I know nagwoworry nanaman siya..sila.

And mas mabigat ang pag aalala nila ngayon dahil samin ni Marj.