Lightless Sunshine

Chapter 21.1

It's already two in the morning when we finished eating and jamming around. He really has a good voice. Matapos nang iyakan kanina ay tinawanan lang namin iyon. We continued what we were doing as our laughters surround the whole place. Matagal bago ako nakaramdam ng antok dahil sa insomnia at sa anxiety. Hindi ko rin dala ang mga gamot ko kaya hinintay ko nalang makaramdam ng antok. His voice and his presence also helps me to calm down.

I asked Icarus if he has a bathtub here. Fortunately, mayroon naman. He presented to prepare it for me which I agreed immediately. Nakaupo ako sa dulo ng kama sa loob ng guestroom niya.

Makailang ulit akong napagbuntong hininga at pinilit ang sariling maging maayos.

I sighed once again before taking out my phone from my pocket and texted Seth, my brother a 'g' mornight' even though I knew he was probably sleeping by now.

"The tub is ready," narinig kong anunsyo ni Icarus. Tumayo ako at tumango. "Don't sleep there, okay? I'll be back to check on you later." paalala niya sa akin bago lumabas sa kwarto.

I quickly got into the bathroom and undress myself. I submerged into the water filled with bubbles and immediately closed my eyes in relief.

Naligo na ako kanina sa kwarto ko ngunit mabilisan lamang iyon. Hindi ko masyadong nalinis ang katawan dahil sa pagmamadaling makompronta si daddy. But our supposedly talk turned out badly. He hit me again.

That wasn't new to me though. Makailang beses naman na akong nakatanggap ng pisikal na pananakit sa kaniya. Ano pa bang aasahan ko? My body looks like a punching bag since then. He wasn't just hurting me physically, he was also torturing me mentally and emotionally.

But I did not complain...not even once.

Because I knew I deserve it.

Nakakainggit nga ang mga kapatid ko dahil ni-isang beses hindi niya ang mga ito hinayaan dapuan man lang ng kahit isang lamok. That's how much he loves his children.

He loves them like it was as if they are his world. He was looking at them like it was as if they're the most important thing in this world for him.

He was too focused on loving them he had forgotten I am still existing... and he forgot that I am also his child...

I suddenly remember the first time I met him personally. Although I haven't meet him yet, my mom showed me his picture with the baby on his arms which was me.

Nasa loob kami ng restaurant ni mama kung saan siya nagta-trabaho bilang isang manager nang may itinuro siya sa akin at ibinulong na iyon ang aking totoong ama.

Of course I knew I have a dad. A real dad, to be exact. Papa John was only Seth's father. Sinabi na iyon sa akin ni mama simula nang matuto akong makaintindi.

I don't exactly know what was going on. Mama married Papa John a year ago but my brother was already three that time.

"H-Hi!" Hesitated at first, I managed to went closer to the guy whom mama pointed to.

I shyly smiled when his head turned into me. Nakita ko ang maliit na ngiti na nakapuksil sa kaniyang labi.

"Hello, pretty girl," ngumiti siya sa akin.

Umawang ang labi ko dahil sa kaniyang sinabi. My heart thumps so fast. Does he know me? Does he recognized me, too?

"P-Pretty girl po?" My five-year-old me asked, shocked. Have I heard it right?

He put down his menu on the table and messed my hair. "Yes, pretty girl. You're pretty." he said softly. "So, what can I do for you, young lady?" he asked.

I blinked my eyes. So it does do mean he remembers me? He knew me...

My eyes suddenly swelled up. "T-Thank you po..." nagsimula na akong mahiya. Naiiyak ako sa sobrang tuwa. I don't want my dad to see me in this state. "You remember me..." pumiyok ang aking boses.

I heard him chuckled and fixed my hair he messed. He even put the few strands of it on the back of my ear.

"Where are your parents, honey? Bakit mag-isa ka lang?" masuyo niyang tanong sa akin.

Itinuro ko ang direksyon kung nasaan nakatayo si mama na namumungay ang matang nakatingin sa amin. Sinundan niya ito nang tingin at pinagmasdan kong nanlaki ang mga mata nito at napasinghap.

"She's my mom," I said and waved my hands at my mama. "and she said you're my father," I giggled and looked back at him.

May kinuha ako sa bulsa at pinakita ito sa kaniya. "Look! We have a picture together! Look! Look!" I enthusiastically said and pointed the certain photo taken when I was still a baby and him, on the other hand, was carrying me. He was even kissing me chubby cheeks that time.

"f**k!"

Nagulat ako nang bigla nalang napatayo ang lalaki na alam kong ama ko. Napaatras ako ng isang beses dahil muntik na akong matamaan ng upuan.

Mabilis na lumapit sa aming direksyon si mama at mabilis akong binuhat sa kaniyang bisig.

"Mama?" I uttered, confused.

"Ayos ka lang, anak? Wala bang masakit sa'yo?" she asked, worried.

I shook my head and looked at my dad. "Is he my daddy, mama? Isn't he? He looks like this guy on the photo, mama." takhang tanong ko.

"H-Helios..." Mama suddenly said, stammering. Her sweet and soft voice was shaking.

Kumunot ang noo ng lalaki at umigting ang panga nito. "What the f**k, Flower?" he hissed, uttering my mom's name.

My mom's eyes watered and I just watched them curiously.

"You..." turo niya sa mama ko.

"M-Mahal..." her voice cracked and her tears pooled down on her cheeks. "You're b-back..."

Umiling lamang ang lalaki na nagngangalang Helios bago nandidiring tumingin sa akin.

I blinked my eyes and smiled at him sweetly. I waved my hand.

He took a deep breath as his eyes went back to my mom. "I told you before, Flower. I told you I have a wife. I have a family." he muttered, his face was reddening.

My mom cried silently and nodded her head. Napakurap ako at nagtaka kung bakit siya umiiyak. Parang gusto ko rin tuloy umiyak.

"I know," she said in a small voice. "Wala naman kaming planong manggulo, gusto ko lang siyang m-makilala ka. She's been a-asking me of you. W-We've waited for you too long... Y-You're back now..." pumiyok ng kaunti ang boses ni mama.

Umigting ang panga ng kausap niya.

"I have my own f-family now, don't worry. Wala rin akong planong m-manggulo sa pamilya mo... I j-just wanted to see you..." she began to sob. "I-I'm sorry..."

Mas lalo akong naguluhan. Wala akong maintindihan sa kanilang pinag uusapan. Why was my mother is crying?

"Let's talk." he said coldly, stealing me glance before shaking his head.

Tumango si mama at nagpaalam sa akin na kakausapin lang niya ito saglit. She left me inside the restaurant and I waited for them happily.

Yay! I finally got to see dad! I felt like I am the most happiest girl alive. Is he going to buy me toys, too? Is he going to play around with me, too?

Excitement gush into my system.

But heart felt like breaking into a tiny pieces as my eyes began to water when the time passed, my mom got in the restaurant. Alone.

"M-Mama..." I cried.

I was about to throw tantrums when I saw her broken expression. I was quiet taken aback.

"Sunny..." she uttered my name. "Mama loves you, okay? I love y-you..."

Napaiyak ako dahil nakikita ko siyang umiiyak. "Mama, I love you po..."

She quickly embraced me and kissed me on my head. Yumakap ako pabalik at sinubsob ang mukha sa dibdib niya.

"Flower." Isang malamig at walang emosyon na boses ang nagsalita sa likuran ni mama.

Para akong nabuhayan ng loob nang makitang ang daddy ko ito.

I gasped.

"Just straight to the point, Helios. Tell her. If you don't want her, then tell it in front of her face. Huwag mo siyang paasahin. Bata pa siya."

"Flower..." his voice seems softening.

Mas humigpit ang yakap sa akin ni mama. "Accept her fully or disown her. If you can't love like how much you love your other children, might as well end her hope now." she firmly said. "You see, hindi kita pinagkait sa kaniya. She knew you even though you are not around. I told her you are his father..." Umiling si Mama. "Say it,"

"Fine." Helios sighed. Napatingala ako sa kaniya sa gilid ni mama. He looked at me coldly and his jaw clenched.

"I don't want her. I don't want her anymore," he said while staring intently into my eyes like it was as if he's examining me, trying to remember every detail of my face. "I do not want her."

I felt like my world stops from spinning, parang nabingi ata ako sa lakas ng tunog ng pagkabasag ng aking puso.

"Hindi kita matatanggap kahit kailan," he added and looked away. "Never."

Parang wala siyang puso nang sabihin niya iyon. His voice was getting colder and colder as the time goes by. Tuluyan ng pumasok sa aking ulo ang mga sinabi niya. And somehow, I understood it.

He doesn't want me...

Hindi ko alam na nakatulog pala ako sa loob ng tub. Sumisikip ang dibdib ko sa labis na sakit. Ramdam ko ang pagtulo ng masaganang luha sa aking mga mata. Those memory was still vividly clear to my mind. The rejection and the pain can still be felt.

Humaholhol ako at tuluyan ng nag-breakdown sa loob.

Ang sakit...

"Sunshine! What the hell?!"

A strong arms suddenly lifted me up from the tub, carrying me like a bride. Tears were pooling down on my cheeks and my sobs were uncontrollable.

Yumakap ako sa leeg ni Icarus at sinubsob ang mukha sa kaniyang balikat.

"A-Ayaw ko na..." I murmured while clutching on his shirt tight.

My heart was breaking... that was all I could feel right in the moment.

Iyak lamang ako nang iyak habang nanginginig ang katawan. Kung dahil ba sw lamig ba o sa sakit, hindi ko matukoy.

All I could feel was pain.

It was killing me.

Inilapag niya ako sa kama ay mabilis na pinailibot sa aking hubad na katawan ang tuwalya.

My whole body was shaking so bad.

"My Light... " Icarus' softly uttered and sat beside me. He rubbed my back while saying sweet nothings, obviously trying to lift me up.

Napatingin ako sa kaniya habang umiiyak nang malakas. "I-I'm so sorry... I can't help it... It just hurts so bad... Ang sakit! My heart is in pain... a-and it... and it's frustrating me because I don't know h-how to stop it... It's clenching... My h-heart hurts..." I put my fist on my chest where my heart is located at. "It hurts, Icarus... this one hurts... Ayaw ko na, masikip na eh. Ayaw ko na..."

All my life I was deprived of having a complete family. My mom tried to give me one but it failed when the two of them suddenly went gone. I tried seeking a family in Helios' shelter but I only greeted by hell.

Wala naman akong ibang gusto kun'di iyon lang eh. I wanted a family... I wanted to be loved. I am seeking for my father's love.

"Sunshine..." he pulled me for a tight hug.

"Icarus, a-ayaw ko na... masakit na. Sobrang sikip ng dibdib ko. G-Gusto ko lang naman ang mahalin din ni daddy eh... W-Why can't he accept me? Why can't he love me like how he love my siblings? B-Bakit? Bakit ayaw niya sa akin?" I sobbed. "H-He... rejected me before. He doesn't want me... He left me... He left us... He left my mother. Ayaw niya sa amin, ayaw niya sa akin... I hate him for not loving me. I hate him. I hate him... I hate him..."

"Hush, it's okay, baby... It's okay. I'm here..." he whispered. "We'll gonna heal that pain, hmm? G-gusto mo gamutin natin ang sakit, hmm?" pumiyok nang bahagya ang boses niya.

Umiling ako at patuloy sa pagluha. "I d-deserve this... I deserve this pain... No one's gonna heal this because it is already etched in my heart..."

"No, of course n-not... Every wound heals..." he said. "Listen to me, you do not deserve it, okay? You deserve every goddamn beautiful things in this world because you are an angel... stop saying you deserve that pain because first off, no one's deserving for that suffering, especially you..."

"B-But... I killed my m-mom—"

"No. You did not." mariin niyang sabi. "It was an accident. It's not your fault, baby... It's not your fault..."

Pagak akong natawa. "H-How can you say so? Everyone blames me for her death... even me, I blame myself. If it wasn't because of me, buhay pa sana siya. Nakakasama ko pa sana siya, namin nang kapatid ko. Hindi sana mawawala si papa. Kompleto pa sana kami ngayon..." gumaralgal ang aking boses.

Humagolhol ako.

"No one dares love me because I am a mess. My life is so mess. Everything around me is a mess..."

He cupped my face and gently lift my head up. Our eyes met and in an instant, I feel like being home once again.

"Do you think I don't love you?" he suddenly said as he wiped my tears. My heart warmed.

"Icarus..." I murmured.

"Do you really think no one loves you, My Light?" malambing niyang sabi na siyang nagpalakas ng t***k ng puso ko. "Why don't you open your eyes and look at me?" may hinanakit na aniya.

Umawang ang labi ko.

He held my hand and brought it on his chest. It was beating so fast and hard.

I was lost for words for a couple of seconds 'til I pulled my hand back. I smiled bitterly and averted his gaze when I realized he was pertaining to a platonic love. While I, on the other hand, almost assuming it was a romantic one.

"Baby, look at me..."

Tiningnan ko siya at tiningnan sa mga mata. His hazel brown eyes never really fails to fascinate me. One thing I love the most of him is his eyes. His eyes were expressive when it landed on me, making everyone around us gets envy because I was too lucky to have a reaction from him. He's too making me special that I do sometimes misinterpret his words and his actions.

Why was he doing all of these to me, huh?

I am not dumb but I admit I'm numb and insensitive sometimes. I speak what my mind tells me to do. Mostly, getting someone offended by my frank remarks.

I hugged his nape, unconsciously dropping down the towel on the bed. Sumubsob ako sa kaniyang balikat at doon nagpatuloy sa pag-iyak.

"Thank you... t-thank you..." usal ko at yumogyog ang balikat.

He rubbed my bare back. "Just cry, baby... Just cry..." sabi niya at hinaplos ang aking buhok.

"You might feel wrecked today but always remember there is still a tomorrow waiting for you... A sun is about to shine and another day of battle is about the begin. You are not Sunshine for nothing, My Light." he kisses my head.

Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi. Parang gripo kung umagos ang aking mga luha. Sunod-sunod at walang tigil.

"Everybody might left you already," aniya at sinakop muli ang aking mukha upang tiningnan ako sa mga mata. "but you still have me, baby..." he added.

And that's when I lost it. I pulled his nape down and presses my lips against his. He is such an angel. My knight in shining armor who's always there to protect and comfort me when no one does. He was there at my worst days, he witnessed how fragile I am and how vulnerable I could be...yet he still chose to stay and even included himself at my situation. He helped me a lot of times without expecting for an exchange.

"Kiss me back..." I whispered between our kisses.

Like it was as if the rope has finally come to its end, the beast finally got out from his cell, and the lust succeeded to elope, he placed me on the bed while him, on top of me, never breaking our hot kisses still. And the last thing I knew, I was already moaning and crying in pleasure... losing my virginity to him.