When Pain Becomes Us

CHAPTER 7

SHANT POV

Tahimik lang ako habang nakatingin sa bintana ng sasakyan. The city passed by in soft blurs, pero ni isa wala akong pinapansin. Kuya Deighland was quietly driving, one hand on the wheel, the other resting casually. Tahimik lang siya.

Pero ako… ang dami kong iniisip.

Uuwi na si Nathalie.

I wasn’t scared. Hindi ko naman iniisip na wala nang pakialam si Kuya sa akin. I know he still cares—he always has. Pero I can’t help but think... what if everything shifts again?

What if his attention slowly drifts back to her?

Maybe I’m just overthinking. Pero the thought won’t go away.

I blinked and turned slightly away from him, resting my head against the cool glass window. Hindi ko kayang ipakita sa kanya 'to.

Shantal, don’t be selfish, I told myself.

Pero... paano kung this time, ako na ang tuluyang mawala?

Out of nowhere, nabanggit ko ang tungkol sa graduation.

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Maybe I just needed to say something. Something that could distract me from the thoughts I’ve been keeping. Malapit na ‘yung graduation ko. One month na lang ‘yung preparation. But honestly, it’s not the event that scares me… it’s what happens after.

What if things really change?

I glanced at Kuya for a second, pero agad din akong tumingin ulit sa bintana. Hindi ko kayang tignan siya nang matagal—baka mabasa niya ‘yung iniisip ko. Hindi ko sinasadyang bigyan ng mabigat na tono ‘yung sinabi ko, pero lumabas na ganun. Kasi totoo naman… kahit ano lang talaga. Kahit maliit na bagay, basta mula sa kanya, sapat na. Something I can hold on to, if ever I find myself drifting again.

But, what if I become just… someone he used to protect?

Kaya siguro nasabi ko ‘yon. Gusto ko lang ng assurance, kahit hindi ko diretso sabihin. Something from him na puwedeng maging reminder… na kahit saan man ako mapunta, I was once loved. I mattered. Kahit sandali lang.

Ngumiti ako para tapusin ang usapan, pero ang totoo, gustong-gusto ko na lang umiyak. Kasi kahit ilang ulit kong sabihin sa sarili kong okay lang ako, may bahagi sa akin na laging takot—takot maiwan, takot makalimutan.

BREAKTIME!

Finally, break time na! Ako at si Jane ay nakaupo sa playground, pinag-uusapan yung trabaho na sisimulan ko. It still felt unreal. This was the moment I’d been waiting for, and I couldn’t stop feeling excited.

"Jane, how’s it? Pwede ba akong magtrabaho?" tanong ko.

"Oo, Shant! Pwede na tayong magsimula mamaya! Apat oras lang ang trabaho natin," sagot niya, sounding just as excited as me.

"Really? OMG! Salamat!" I couldn’t help but jump with joy. Magkakaroon ako ng trabaho! This was huge for me.

"Kung makareact ka, parang matindi nga ang pangangailangan mo," she said, laughing a bit.

"Kailangan ko talaga ng trabaho. Anong oras tayo magsisimula?"

"Sabi ko sa manager, 1:00 pm to 5:00 pm lang ang vacant time natin, tapos pwede na tayong umuwi," sagot niya, parang chill lang. Pero sa isip ko, this was such a big deal for me.

"Tamang-tama! Hanggang 12 noon lang ang klase this month. Ehhh... magkano naman ang sweldo?"

"Hmmm... Malalaman natin mamaya. Pero teka, ang yaman-yaman niyo tapos naghahanap kapa ng trabaho?" she teased. "May plano ka bang bumukod sa pamilya mo?"

"Haist, hindi ah! Secret lang natin 'to, ha?" sagot ko, trying to avoid eye contact. "Alam mo kasi, may gusto akong bilhin, medyo mahal kasi. Ayaw ni Mommy na gumastos ako ng ganun kamahal, kaya kailangan ko kumita para mabili yun."

"Alam ba ng mga magulang mo to?"

"Syempre hindi. Alam ko hindi nila ito aaprubahan, kaya mas mabuti nang hindi nila malaman."

"What if they find out?" she asked, sounding concerned.

"Bahala na. Basta, excited na ako!" sagot ko, full of energy. I really wanted this, and I knew I had to work for it.

Later That Day...

After class, ako at si Jane diretso sa restaurant kung saan kami magtatrabaho. Hindi siya kasing fancy ng mga restaurants na sanay kong puntahan, pero okay na rin. Cozy naman, and a lot of people were eating there, so mukhang patok.

Pagdating namin, pinaupo agad kami ng manager and we discussed the work. Mukhang madali lang—kuha ng order, ipadala sa kitchen, and mag-handle ng cashier. But I knew it would be more challenging than I thought.

"Thank you, sir! Pagbubutihin po namin," sabi ni Jane, all smiles.

"Okay! Inaasahan ko yan. You can start now," sabi ng manager, giving us a nod.

I still couldn’t believe it. We were actually starting. I looked at Jane, and she just smiled at me, as if everything was going according to plan.

"Thank you, Jane," sabi ko, feeling really grateful.

"Walang anuman. Best friend tayo eh," she replied, tapping me on the shoulder. "Just remember, walang damayan kapag malaman ng parents mo ‘to, ha?"

"Oo na!" tumawa ako, pero deep down, I knew she was right. If my parents found out, it would definitely be a big deal.

After Work...

Apat na oras, pero parang isang buong araw. Pagkatapos ng shift, sobrang pagod ko. Masakit ang mga paa ko sa pag-stanby and my body was aching. But despite all that, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of accomplishment. I actually did it!

Habang pauwi, naisip ko kung gaano kahirap ang trabaho ni Mommy, ni Daddy, at ni Kuya. Akala ko sila lang yung laging nag-aasikaso ng lahat, but now I had a glimpse of what it was like to work hard.

Pagdating ko sa bahay, diretso akong pumunta sa kwarto ko and just collapsed onto my bed. It felt good to rest, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d learned something important today. Hindi lang pala tungkol sa pera o pagbili ng gusto ko—ito pala yung totoong pakiramdam ng pagiging independent.

Siguro, unti-unti, naiintindihan ko na kung ano talaga ang ibig sabihin ng magtaguyod ng sarili.