Valeria

20 Consuelo

“Ate... May naghahanap po sa inyo sa bahay…”

I fluttered my eyes open. I wished I didn’t do so because of the blinding sun glowering down at me. Naiba na rin ang pwesto ng lilim kaya uminit na sa pwesto ko. I closed my eyes once again, letting the colors dance behind my eyelids. Humuni ang mga alon sa dalampasigan.

“Ate Sol…” tawag ulit ng isang magaang boses.

“I heard you the first time. Saglit lang…” inaantok kong sabi.

Kagigising ko pa lang dahil nakaidlip sa pagbibilad. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to face any guests or anyone in particular. Iyon ang habilin ko sa mga tauhan namin simula nang dumating ako rito. But surely, Asiana wouldn’t run here in Matnog just to inform me.

“Ate…” Kahit nakapikit ako ay na-imagine ko ang pagkamot niya sa ulo.

I sighed before opening my eyes again. Hindi katulad kanina ay naka-adjust na ang paningin ko. I got up from my hammock and grabbed my Kimono cover up. Nang sipatin ko ang cellphone ay mahigit trenta minutos na pala akong nakaidlip.

“Hindi ba ay kabilin-bilinan kong hindi ako tatanggap ng bisita? Lalo na kapag nasa dagat ako?” Hinarap ko ang isa sa mga anak ng mga tauhan namin.

Asiana was roughly around the age of fifteen. Her round eyes were leveled with mine because she was tall. When I first met her, which was last week, nainggit kaagad ako dahil pinangarap kong ganiyan ako katangkad noong bata pa. Although for me, her best asset was her bronze skin, the natural Filipina beauty.

“E kasi importante raw…” She scratched her long, curly hair.

Lahat naman sila ay ganoon ang sinasabi. Ever since I came here in my beloved hometown, I had been getting invites from social gatherings if not visitations from prominent people in the neighborhood. Nagpunta ako sa Sorsogon para makahinga sa usok ng Manila at sa mga tao na rin doon. Ayoko muna sanang humarap sa kahit sinong tao bukod sa mga kasama ko sa bahay.

In the end, I had no choice. I grabbed my sunglasses and my round Rattan sling bag which I bought from a local store here. Nagtatakbo na si Asiana at tinawag ang bangkero. After maneuvering the traditional wooden boat, we hopped on and left the island. Bihira lang ang mga turistang nakita ko dahil papasok na ang buwan ng Disyembre. Plus, the waves were much bigger so swimming were kind of risky.

Ganoon ang routine ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. Kakain lang ng breakfast pagkatapos ay aalis na. O ‘di kaya ay magbabaon na lang ako o bibili dahil may maliit na karinderya sa islang madalas kong tambayan. Pagkauwi ay magkukulong na ako sa kwarto.

Noong una ay nanibago ako dahil bihira lang naman akong magpunta rito. Dadalaw lang ako kung may importanteng papeles na naiwan. Hindi ko na rin nga kabisado ang mga kasama namin sa bahay kaya nito lang nakita si Asiana. They wanted to throw a party for me when they heard that I would stay for a week or so. I decided against it because this wasn’t a vacation. It’s an escape from my dark reality, and I really wanted to own my time for as long as I was here.

Pagkatapos sumakay ng bangka ay nag-tricycle pa kami patungo sa pinakaharap kung nasaan naghihintay ang isang lumang van. Apparently, our helpers didn’t see the need of using our other vehicles which were all decaying in the garage.

The place was nostalgic for me more than I could admit. We passed by the Montemayors’ grand manor which looked like it was sitting on top of a cliff. Sa katabi ay isang bakanteng lote na wala pa yatang nakakabili. Nadaanan din namin iyong malaking simbahan at ang school ko dati. Hindi na ako updated sa former classmates ko at dahil wala naman akong masyadong close noon. I wasn’t like Ate Cala who was the center of attention. Ang tanging naalala ko lang ay si Iridessa pero sabi ng nanay ni Asiana ay hindi na raw dito nakatira.

“Baka si Kuya Ilay ang dumating. Hindi mo ba siya namumukhaan?” Pababa na kami ng van nang maalala kong dadalaw pala ang kapatid.

“Babae po e. Matanda.”

Tumango na lang ako. Sa tarangkahan ay nagdidilig ng mga halaman si Aling Norma, iyong kapatid ni Aling Nenita. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa suot kong bikini pero hindi na nagkumento. Dumiretso na lang ako sa loob, hinahanap iyong bisita ko.

I was really hoping that it’s one of my brothers because they promised to come visit. Alam kong may tampo pa rin ako sa kanila pero hindi ganoon kalala kay Charlie. So far, si Kuya Ilay pa lang ang sinabihan ko tungkol sa dahilan kung bakit ako napunta rito. Kay Libra sana ako mag-o-open pero nahiya naman ako.

The one I didn’t expect was Radmila Santa Romana in our great hall. She looked so out of place in our ancestral house with her bold fuchsia pink tunic dress.

Suddenly, I had a hunch about why she’s here which made me disappointed.

“Lola Mila…” I entered her vision. “Magandang hapon po.”

Bumaba kaagad ang tingin niya sa suot ko pero ngumisi rin. “Hello to you too, Sol! I haven’t been here in your home, have I? It’s breathtaking. Kind of makes me remember my childhood in the nineties.”

That was kind of the point why my grandfather himself designed it. Tumango na lang ako at mabilis na sumenyas kay Asiana na nakaabang. Lola Mila and I sat down just in time for the snacks to arrive.

“This is Timitim. You should try it.” Kinuhanan ko siya sa isang platito.

Alam kong hindi naman nagpunta rito ang lola ni Beatus para kumain at makipagkwentuhan sa akin. She certainly came here to judge me which was what she’s doing right now by once again looking over my snakeskin swimsuit.

“Galing ka bang beach, hija? Don’t you want to wash up first? I can wait.” Ngumisi siya nang mapakla pero umiling ako dahil gusto kong matapos na. “I’m already dry, Lola. And besides, I know your time is very precious to you so... Ano po ang ipinunta ninyo rito?”

Her jaw dropped at my brisk tone.

“Lola Mila, matagal na kitang kilala,” magaan kong sabi. “Alam kong mahal na mahal mo ang apo mo at gagawin mo ang lahat para sa kaniya. It’s about Beatus, isn’t it? It always is…” I fought the urge to roll my eyes so I just sighed instead.

Sinungaling ako kung sasabihin kong hindi nagparamdam si Beatus nitong nakaraang linggo. Tinadtad niya ng mga message at call ang cellphone ko. Kahit iyong landline namin dito na hindi ko alam kung paano niya nakuha ang number ay panay ang ring. However, I wasn’t in the mood yet to talk to him. I was still very much hurt, and a week of cooling down wouldn’t fix it.

Ang una kong hulang papupuntahin niya ay si Beatrix. Medyo pasmado ang bibig ng isang iyon kaya siguro itong lola ang inutusan.

“I love my grandson, hija. But I also love you!” Her laments almost made me snort. “Kaya ako nagpunta rito ay para pag-ayusin na kayong dalawa. Sabi ng apo ko ay mag-iisang linggo na raw simula nang umalis ka. Hindi ba dapat ay pinag-uusapan ninyo ang mga ganitong problema?”

“That’s right. I completely agree that what you just said is true…” Beatus and I both lacked in communication with each other, I realized. Noong malaki at patong-patong na ang problema, atsaka sumabog kaya hindi na kayang kontrolin pa.

“See? So, talk it out, Sol. I know you also love Beatus. He is your husband after all, and he deserves your forgiveness.”

“I don’t think so.” Kumunot ang noo ko na ikinagulat na naman niya. Hindi ko rin alam kung saan ko nakukuha ang tapang para sabihin ang mga saloobin ko pero nakakasawa rin palang maging sunud-sunuran. “We have problems, Lola Mila. Ones that can never be fixed with just talking. Kung ipinadala kayo ni Beatus dito, sinabi ho ba niya ang dahilan?”

It was clear that she knew something. The Santa Romana women were cunning like that and knew almost every secret out there. Mukhang pagtatakpan pa niya ang apo niya kaya inunahan ko na.

“Your grandson cheated on me with Antonova Escobar…” Sinigurado kong bigkasin ang bawat letra ng aking pangungusap.

For a long, long time, they all thought Beatus was a saint. They all looked up at him like he was their savior. He graduated with flying colors, he succeeded in the business industry, and he married a crazy rich heiress. In their eyes, he was flawless. But there I was, the living proof that he wasn’t. And it felt so good to say that.

“Hija…” Ngumisi nang mapakla si Lola Mila. Winagayway niya ang kamay na para bang nagbubugaw ng langaw. “It’s normal, okay? Men are hard-wired to have many partners so they cheat naturally. Every guy I know does it. It’s totally normal in marriage or in any relationship, Sol.”

Hindi ako sumagot pero sa isip-isip ko ay parang nagsisisi akong pinakasalan ko ang isang lalaking may ganitong pananaw ang pamilya.

“It’s also a great way to help spice up the relationship!” Pumalakpak si Lola Mila.

“Are you saying that my husband isn’t satisfied with me?” tanong ko.

Umiling siya kaagad. “Of course not, hija. What I mean is, laging nangingibang bansa ang apo ko. Siyempre ay magkalayo kayo. Tapos… parang hindi pa kayo medyo nagkakaunawaan?”

“Paano si Nova?” I gritted my teeth. “She’s a family friend of yours, right? How do you suppose we fix that?”

“Oh, it can be fixed. Trust me, Sol. Ako mismo ang kakausap kay Nova na lumayo muna at hayaan kayong mag-asawa. Rest assured that I will make her apologize to you for her unforgivable behavior.” Tumango-tango si Lola Mila.

I didn’t have anything to reply with that.

Ngumisi siya at sumimsim sa tasa ng kape. “Pero alam mo kasi iyang si Beatus at si Nova, mga bata pa lang iyan ay magkalaro na. We all thought that they’re going to be the endgame. But… oh well! So, uuwi ka na ba ulit ng Manila?”

“No,” I answered flatly.

Her smile fell. It looked like she was about to have a mild stroke. Sumingkit ang kaniyang mga mata sa akin bago tumayo. Sa mestizang kutis ay nakita ko ang pagpula ng kaniyang buong mukha. Akala ko ay isasaboy na niya sa akin ang kape na iiinom dahil sa sama ng tingin niya. This was her true color which I was hoping I’d get to see before she leaves.

“I will tell you the truth, Consuelo. Your brothers are haranguing my grandson when it should have been you to blame! Hinayaan mong mamatay ang anak mo pagkatapos ay si Beatus ang pinagbubuntunan mo ng galit. Hindi ka patas makipag-away dahil alam mong hindi ka naman matitiis ng apo ko. Mahal ka mahal ka niya, Sol! So, he chooses to sacrifice for you! Can’t you see that?” Lola Radmila’s laments went through the roof.

“Asia, ihatid mo na sa labas si Lola Mila. She’s leaving now…” Tumigas ang mukha ko.

Asiana wasn’t able to pull her away just like that. Nagpatulong pang akayin sa nanay niya dahil mukha na talagang aatakihin ang matanda. Nanatili lang ako sa gilid at sinubukang hindi maapektuhan pero ang totoo ay sumagad sa buto ko ang bawat salitang kaniyang binitiwan.

“Beatus cheated on you but did he leave? No! He chooses to be with you, Sol! Because he loves you so much!” she cried. “Pero ano itong ginagawa mo? Nagmamatigas ka pa! Ikaw ang may kasalanan kung bakit ka pinagpalit ni Beatus! Kasalanan mo!”

Nakatayo ako at nakatulalang nanonood hanggang sa mawala na ang matanda. I hated how her strong perfume still lingered in the air as if her accusations never left. It felt like it was burning my skin so I immediately climbed up the stairs and took a shower. Hindi ko na pinansin ang mga tauhan naming kanina pa nakatingin.

Beatus cheated. I cheated. Those things weren’t justifiable. I accepted the truth in my cheating so I hoped that his family also does the same. We were both at fault so if there was anyone to blame, it’s the both of us. Hindi ko nga lang alam kung bakit sinasabi ng utak ko na mas mabigat ang nagawa niya kumpara sa nagawa ko.

He was in a relationship with Nova for a couple of months like he admitted. It wasn’t a one-night stand, it wasn’t a simple date. Or… maybe it was. Baka nagawa na nila iyon sa dalawang buwang itinago nila ang kanilang relasyon. My husband invested his time and effort to her that’s why I believed that he did a lot more damage.

Pero… sa totoo lang… kung pareho na kayong nagkamali? Importante pa ba kung sino ang lamang at kung sino ang hindi?

I stood under the shower for almost an hour with these thoughts poisoning my mind. Kasama pa noong mga sinabi ni Lola Mila. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin matanggap na nagawa iyon sa akin ng asawa ko. Kaya may parte pa rin sa aking sinisisi ang sarili ko dahil alam kong nagkulang ako, alam kong may problema ako.

But I tried so hard to tell myself that she was just manipulating me. Again. Like what they always did. I almost went crazy because of Beatus trying to hide his affair. He gaslighted me and made me believe that it was all my fault. Sometimes I didn’t believe it, sometimes I did. My mind was in total chaos.

Ilang mga araw pa ang nakalipas. Parang nawala ang bahagya kong excitement na nakabalik ulit ako ng Sorsogon dahil sa pagbisita ni Lola Mila. I completely remembered why I was here in the first place, and that was to be alone. To process everything. So, that was what I did.

Halos tatlong araw akong nakakulong lang sa kwarto ko. Hindi na rin ako makakain at makabangon. Ganitong-ganito ang nangyayari sa akin noong nasa bahay pa namin ako sa Manila. I was stuck in this loop again, replaying over and over in my mind that I didn’t want to be me anymore. Even I blamed myself.

Kaya lang ako bumaba ulit ay dahil kumatok si Asiana at sinabing may bisita na naman ako. Lalaki raw. Inasahan kong si Kuya Ilay na pero napadiretso sa study dahil naroon ang naghihintay. This time, I didn’t know him.

“My name is Dr. Martin Evangelista. I’m a licensed clinical psychologist. Nice to meet you, Miss Consuelo.” Nakipagkamay siya sa kin.

“I didn’t…” Umiling ako sa kalituhan.

“Mr. Malkiel Delgado sent me. Are you okay with that?” I didn’t know if doctors were naturally this genuine and light but at the same time professional. I had a hard time choosing whether I was going to kick him out or let him do his job. He was sent by my uncle still so I didn’t know what’s his true agenda.

But I found myself nodding and sitting down. “Y-Yes. I’m sorry, let’s continue…”

At first, it didn’t feel like I was in a session. It was just like a regular checkup. Pulse rate, diet, weight, medical history, and such. Habang ginagawa iyon ay tinatanong-tanong lang niya ako ng mga normal na bagay. Dr. Martin was about my age so I kind of felt at ease. Then I realized that it was his goal – to make me feel comfortable for his next task.

He had this piece of paper that he’s checking with each time he’d ask me a question. Some were tough, some were not. It was kind of a screening or an assessment. Pagkatapos magsulat ng kung anu-ano ay hinarap niya ako.

“I’ve worked with many people who were struggling with depression, and I know that it can be really a tough thing to be dealing with. I want to help you recognize if this is something that is too much to handle for you right now. But I will only do so with your permission and of course, your cooperation.”

Ilang beses ko ba na sinabi sa sarili kong hindi ako depressed? That I was just sad and it would go away soon? I couldn’t afford to be depressed because it would be just another thing that I would be dealing with. Kaya bakit ako pumayag sa alok ng doktor?

“First, I’ll start by helping you understand what is the typical science and symptoms are,” pagpapatuloy niya.

It was a fifteen-minute lecture but it didn’t feel like it. It sounded like he was my diary because most of what he mentioned was what I was currently going through. Sadness and irritability. Feeling of hopelessness. Anhedonia or loss of interest in things. Decreased concentration. Changes in sleep. Sense of worthlessness. I could repeat everything he mentioned but it would take too long.

Pagkatapos noon ay nagpaalam na si Dr. Martin. Sabi niya ay babalik daw ulit siya next week. In our session, he didn’t do anything over the top but I actually felt that he understood me. He sympathized with me but with boundaries. Hindi ko alam na pwede pala iyong ganoon.

Aaminin kong medyo gumaan ang pakiramdam ko dahil mayroon akong napagsabihan ng problema ko. I wouldn’t deny that Charlie picked out an excellent doctor. Speaking of the devil, he called right after Dr. Martin left.

“How was it?” tanong niya na para bang may CCTV sa loob ng bahay.

Napanguso ako. I was still pissed because of what he did.

“Listen, Sol,” he said. “I’m sorry for being harsh on you. Matigas kasi ang ulo mo. Kailangan pang pwersahin para sumunod. But it’s for your own good. It felt good, right? To talk to someone?”

“Yeah…” Sa wakas ay nagsalita rin ako.

Charlie sighed in relief on the other end. “So? How are you?”

“I…I’m not okay,” makatotohanan kong sagot. “I’m not okay. And I think it’s the first time I’ve admitted that.”