Our Mental Polarity

Chapter Twenty-Two

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

“You don’t have to cry alone; my shoulder is free.”

Sa ilalim ng madilim at malamig na gabi, sa gitna ng napakabigat na nadarama ng aking kalooban, nakatunghay sa akin ang hindi mabilang na bituin sa hindi maabot tanaw na kalawakan. Kasalukuyang bumubuhos ang aking matinding emosyon nang isang tinig ang yumakap at tila humaplos sa puso kong nasa pagkadurog.

Dahan-dahang iniangat ko ang aking paningin at minasdan ang lalaking nakatayo sa aking harapan mula sa kaniyang sapatos hanggang sa pawis na tumutulo sa kaniyang magkabilang pisngi.

“Attorney Shim?” Gulat akong napatunghay at bahagyang inayos ang aking sarili.

“Get up, for whatever reason you should not be crying there alone,” he said seriously.

Hindi naman ako kumilos, nakaangat lamang sa kaniya ang aking paningin ngunit nakasalampak pa rin ako sa harapan niya.

“Aeshia.” His voice was cold as ice but concern and a bit of affection could be heard.

“Attorney Shi—”

“Jake.” He halted me. “Aeshia,” banggit niya ulit sa pangalan ko para patayuin ako mula sa pagkakaupo ko roon.

My eyes then started forming tears and my vision started getting blurry again, now because of overwhelming feeling.

“Jake...”

“Aeshia, just because you cry doesn’t mean you’re weak, but denying to heal yourself can tell that you actually are. Come.”

He then laid his right hand in front of me, offering a help to get myself up.

Napatitig naman ako sa kamay saka ikinondisyon ang sariling tumayo. Akmang pupunasan ko ang aking mga luha nang pigilan niya ako at mabilis na dumampi ang malambot niyang kamay sa aking pisngi.

“Your hands are dirty, let me do it,” sambit niya at kinuha ang towel na nakasabit sa balikat niya. “Don’t worry, malinis pa ‘to.”

A little moment and he started wiping tears off my cheeks. He was too gentle, obviously doing it for my comfort.

“Tears are the pain inside us. We need to cry to release and wipe it off our face, to regain our smiles.” He patted my shoulder. “Get up.”

In no time, I found myself standing next to him as he helped me.

“Now tell me the reason why you have to cry alone, in the middle of this misty night at a very random place covered in darkness.”

I looked at his eyes and I felt his care. I just felt like I found the comfort that my heart needs.

I let out a heavy sigh, a really heavy one, releasing every single emotion I have been keeping inside for long.

“Hmm? Go, tell me,” sambit pa ni Jake at sa ekspresyon ng kaniyang mukha ay makikitang sinusubukan niya talaga malaman ang dahilan ng pag-iyak ko.

I opened my mouth but none came out. Hangin lamang ang lumabas sa bibig ko at sa hindi maipaliwanag na dahilaln ay hindi ko nagawang magsalita. Sa halip na maipaliwanag ko ang aking nararamdaman ay bumuhos lamang ang matinding emosyon na nagdulot ng muling pagluha ko.

He sighed. I bowed down, ashamed.

“You must be carrying a really heavy load inside. You look too broken, Aeshia,” sambit pa ni Jake. “Breathe.”

Ilang sandali pa ang inubos ko sa pag-iyak. Ang hindi mapigil na pagdaloy ng luha ko ay nagpatuloy. Si Jake naman ay matiyagang sinamahan ako sa lugar na iyon at hindi ako iniwan. Siguro nga, minsan talaga mararamdaman natin na parang hindi na natin kaya; na sa dami ng sakit at kalungkutan, ang hirap na pigilin at kumbinsihin ang sarili na humarap sa lahat nang nakangiti. Pero may biglang darating para samahan ka at ipadama na tama lamang ang ginagawa mo. Isang hindi inaasahang tao ang magsasabing walang mali na mapagod ka because if you will have to look back, you have come really far that getting tired won’t matter anymore and you deserve a rest.

After contemplating such things, I had myself back on my feet and senses. After another heavy long sigh, I forced a smile.

“Can you now tell me?” mahinahong tanong ni Jake. “Ready ka na?”

“I am,” diretsong sagot ko.

“Go on, makikinig ako.”

For the nth time, I sighed heavily.

“He was my first love and serious relationship, so I am to him,” I started, a little bit nervous. “I was not young that time, but I was afraid to invest too much feelings for him, simply because he is my first. However, eventually, nag-invest na rin ako ng feelings kasi si Martyn… hindi siya mahirap mahalin.”

As lighted by the lamppost above us, I looked at Jake. He is listening in full attention. His face wasn’t showing much emotion but his hand I am feeling on mine speaks for itself.

“We had good times,” pagpapatuloy ko. “And bad, of course. Pero hindi iyon mahalaga because all the fights we had was never between us. It was always us against anything.” I sighed. “My family knew and liked him. Si mama, she always tells me how lucky I am to have Martyn, and I would agree. Papa always hangs out with him, they sing together and serenade me and mama. And the one who was really hurt when Martyn broke up with me, Dalton, he found a friend, an older brother and a dad in him. With those, sino pa nga ba naman ang mag-aakalang matatapos pa kung ano ang mayroon kami ‘di ba?”

He was just still looking at me. Processing every word I narrate.

“And then the breakup thing came. No one was actually able to explain why he ended us with no talks and just a piece of text message, not even him,” I paused and smiled bitterly, remembering how crazy it was. “It was tough for me, sobrang hirap at sakit. Hindi ko nga alam before kung kakayanin ko ba. I just told myself each day that maybe he Is just someone who’s part of my self development. He was never meant to be mine because he is not a lover, but just a lesson.”

I sighed, feeling the weight of remembering the past.

“Sobrang bigat, sobrang wasak ko that time pero hindi ko ipinaalam kahit kanino. Sa buhay ko, wala akong oras para mapagod at makita ng kapatid ko na nanghihina. Each night, I kept over thinking ano ba ang kulang sa akin, ano ba kaya iyong nakita niyang dahilan para iwan ko, or simply, bakit? Napakarami kong tanong sa sarili ko at napakarami kong gustong sabihin sa kaniya, but I just kept telling myself na para saan pa? Pero, I managed to move on! Tada! Surprising, isnt it?”

Mahina akong tumawa, kahit ang luha ko ay pumapatak sa magkabilang pisngi.

“Mapaglaro ang tadhana, sabi nila. Now I agree. Guess what, wala pang one month since our breakup…” I gulped as I tried swallowing the pain that is starting to come out again. “He is getting married!”

I smiled, kasabay ng panibagong yugto ng pagpatak ng luha ko. Ang sakit, I never felt like this.

“Want more surprise?” Nakatitig pa rin si Jake sa akin. “The girl he’s marrying is pregnant!”

I sarcastically laughed as I started falling apart. My heart was crushed into pieces and I am getting drained.

As I had vision of his eyes, nakatingin pa rin siya sa akin. Patuloy na sinasalo ang lahat na nararamdaman ko. Wala man siyang ipinapakitang emosyon ay nararamdaman ko ang paghaplos niya sa nadudurog kong puso.

I tried to continue what I have been saying but I ran out of words. I did nothing but cry. My painful sobs were enough to prove how broke I was. I bowed down, to let all my tears fall directly to the ground.

“Indeed, he was a lesson,” Jake said as he gave me his towel again. “But a lesson you never understand… not because he never explains himself but because you never move on from him. And because you cannot move on, you never learn, but, Aeshia, it is the supposed lesson, to be strong.”

I remained silent, just sobbing and tearing everything up.

“He was introduced to you to be a star that will guide you to go and grow, you just treated him like the moon because you found him brighter than anyone else. When in fact, he was not supposed to be like that. Therefore, when he’s gone, it was hard for you to adjust.” He carressed my hair gently. “Walang mali sa iyo, you just have to uderstand na hanggang doon lang iyon. Kahit walang dahilan, kapag hanggang doon lang ang nakatakda sa inyo, it will not go further.”

In no time, I found myself starting to feel calm, and trying to free myself from pain. My head was lying on Jake’s shoulder and we were watching the stars together.

Nang walang anu-anoy ay isang tinig ang gumulat sa akin,

“Aeshia, we have to talk.”