The cost of my VIRGINITY

Chapter 18: Fire

Chapter 18

Gareth's

BAKASYON.

Iyon ang kailangan ko para hidi ako ma stressed sa mga problema ko. Gusto ko ding makapag isip. Gusto kong makagawa ng plano kung paano ako makakapasok sa buhay ng mag-ina ko.

Pero may na realized ako, masaya na si Phannie sa buhay niya ngayon. Hindi na niya ako kailangan. Pero ang anak ko, kailangan pa niya ako. Hindi ako makapapayag na ibang lalaki ang kalakihan niyang ama. Kung kinakailangang magmakaawa ako ay gagawin ko, wag lang mawala sa akin ulit yung anak ko in second time around.

Kasalukuyan akong nag da-drive sa isang zigzag na daan papunta sa resthouse na nabili ko last year dito sa Palawan. Matagal na din naman akong hindi nakakapunta dito kaya gusto kong sulitin yung one week leave ko sa opisina.

Pagkaparada ko sa kotse ay agad akong bumaba at nilasap yung kakaibang hanging pang probinsya na hindi matatagpuan sa lungsod ng Manila. This is a real paradise. Dagling nawawala ang ano mang bigat sa dibdib ko dahil sa lugar na ito. Pero sa tuwing mapapa hinto ako, si Phannie at si Phannie pa din ang nasa isip ko. Her beautiful face, her eyes, her smile and our daughter. And it pains me so bad that I am having a hard time breathing.

Inilabas ko na yung susi ng bahay at agad na pumasok sa loob niyon. I am expecting this house to be clean and the care taker didn't failed my expectations.

The first thing that I did is to drink an alcohol to cure my heart. I let the cold wind blew my hair while I am just sitting comfortably on the verandah. My mind can't stop thinking and it kills me literally.

Sunod naman ay naglakad-lakad ako sa dalampasigan habang tinatanaw ang walang katapusang dagat. I took out my phone and take some pictures. And that's when I realized that someone is watching me over on my left side. I tilt my head and my mouth slightly open when I recognize the girl who is comfortably standing while wearing a see through long dress with two-piece bikini inside.

"You still remember me, right?" She said smiling.

Ibinalik ko sa bulsa ang cellphone at nakapamulsang hinarap ang babae. "Mhadie, right?" Hindi madaling kalimutan ang babae. Lalo na at si Shaine ang pakay nito. I bet that she hates the girl.

"I didn't expect to see you here mister Ice-cold-heart." Naka ngising sabi nito at saka humarap din sa dagat kagaya ng ginagawa ko kanina.

"Is this plainly coincidence or you are following me?"

Mhadie gave a heartily laugh. "Of course purely coincidence. I was shocked as you are right now when I recognized you."

Tumango-tango ako bilang sagot na kunwari ay naniniwala ako dito. "Alright, have a nice day with you then."

"Are you broken?" She asked without any emotion. Purong kaseryosohan lamang habang ang mga mata ay naka glue sa dagat.

"I hate it when someone is prying over my personal life."

Nilingon ako ng dalaga at ngumiti. "You're too obvious. Wala ka pang sinasagot pero yung mga mata mo ang dami ng naikwento sa akin. I bet that you are as broken as me right now."

Hindi ako umimik.

"You see, I hate your ex-girlfriend. She's a bitch."

"Is this the part where you will pour all of your feelings right now?" Naka labi kong tanong at saka humalukipkip ng braso sa dibdib.

"I bet you hate her too..." There's a ghost smug smile on her lips.

"That's all in the past now. I don't hold grudges with anyone anymore. Too much burden, so need to dispose immidiately."

"Kung ganuon ay hanga ako sa iyo na nagawa mong magpatawad kaagad. I know what happened between you too before. My best friend told me. And I cannot believe that after ditching Joey on their wedding day, she will use you again as an excuse and to make herself look innocent."

Napa sipol ako ng mahina. "That's rough."

"I can read your eyes, Gareth." Dahan-dahang lumapit sa maliliit na alon sa buhanginan si Mhadie at hinayaang mabasa ng tubig ang mga paa nito. "And you're right. I hate her because I she have something I badly want. My bestfriend's heart."

Then I remember Phannie and Carl. Same scenario, but different connections. Parang piniga ang puso ko sa naisip.

"So, who is she?" Kuryosog tanong ni Mgadie ng balingan na ulit ako.

Hindi ako agad nakasagot. But when I do, my voice almost sell my emotion to her. Ang sakit kasi. "She's someone from college too. But I played with her feelings. I am too blinded to see the truth and my responsibility. I don't know why I am telling you this. You're clearly a stranger."

"And that's where the fun is. I can't judge you, I don't have the right since we're obviously just a mere stranger."

I sighed and took her bait like a fish in the ocean. "Nabuntis ko siya habang magka relasyon kami ni Shaine. I was too in love with her that I became a huge prick, much worse than a cactus. But Shaine fooled me, she's in love with my friend and it was already too late when I realized that."

It's Mhadie's turn to whistle now. "What a quite story. And what happened to the girl you impregnate?"

"She left the country for good. But before that, she gave me a chance to stand up and to face our consenqunces both. But I am so shitty, I said ill things to her. And to make the story short, she hates me now. But I am too in love with our daughter. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko muling papasukin ang buhay nilang dalawa ng hindi kami nagkakagulo. I need to be with my daughter."

"How about the mother? It's obvious that you have feelings for her."

Natigilan ako at saka bumuntong hininga. Ganuon ba ako ka obvious at transparent. Ngumiti ako ng pilit at saka pinanuod ang nagsasalimbayan na kuryusidad sa mga mata ng babae. "She's happy now with someone else. At wala akong karapatang pag lingasin pa ang mumunting apoy na mayroon ako sa dibdib para mahalin siya. Nakakapaso ang nangyari sa amin nuon, na sa sobrang init ng dinulot niyon at kaya niyang sunugin ang buong pagkatao ko at walang itira kahit abo man lang."

"So you love her, huh."

Yeah... Bulong ko sa sarili ko.

"Alam mo, minsan ang pagiging duwag natin masaktan o mapaso ang dahilan kung bakit hindi tayo masaya. Natatakot kasi tayong masunog at walang matira. Pero ang lakas ng loob natin sabihing mahal natin sila. We're a coward. Kung ganuto lang pala tayo, we don't really deserve them. Someone out there will be brave enought to touch that fire, yung apoy na kinatatakutan natin. At kapag nangyari iyon,  maiiwan tayong buo sa labas pero wasak sa loob. Did you get my point here, Gareth?"

Naumid ako. Nakatitig lang ako sa babae na tila nahihiwagaan sa mga sinabi nito. Napa iling naman ako ng bigla itong tumawa ng malakas. "You're funny dude, you look like you saw a ghost. Did I hit something? Ang lakas ng loob kong sabihin ang lahat ng iyon habang heto ako, nagpapaka fuwag pa din buong buhay ko."

"You should get him." Seryoso kong bulalas sa babae.

"Huh?" Taka naman nitong usal.

"Suungin mo man ang apoy o hindi ay pareho ka lang masusunog at maaabo kapag nakita mong may ibang tao ng nauna sa iyo." I watch her emotions changing. "Thank you, Mhadie. For bringing light in my chaos mind. Pakiramdam ko ay ang dami kong na realized sa kaunting oras na kausap kita."

"You should fight for her too then."