Apollo's Desire

Prologue APOLLO "I'm here, babe." I whispered then took a deep breath. Napatingin ako sa langit saka sa pintuan ng simbahan. I saw my parents waiting for me to go inside together with my girlfriend's dad. I tried to step forward but it seems like my feet were glued on the ground. I can't move. I don't want to move. "Apollo, anak." Napatingin ako sa likod ko nang lumapit ang mama ng mahal ko. Hinawakan nito ang mga kamay ko saka ngumiti ng pilit. "Oras na." She told me. Wala sa sarili akong tumango at napatingin sa paligid ko. They're all waiting for me to make a move, to make a step forward and to push what's in front of me. "Akala ko, sasaya ako ngayong araw na ito." I whispered again but this time, my tears fell in instant. Narinig ko na rin ang hikbi ng mama ng mahal ko. Pati na rin ang iyak ng mga kapatid ko. "Apollo anak. Magpakatatag ka." Bilin nila sa'akin. "Ayaw ni Aimee na nasasaktan ka." They said. Tumango lang ulit ako, baka kasi hindi ko makontrol ang sarili ko kapag nagsalita pa ako. I began to step forward. And every time I make, it's like someone's stabbing me right through my chest. It's heavy, really heavy. 'Babe, naglalakad na tayo sa altar.' I said in my mind. Sa halip na mga palakpak at ngiti ang sumasalubong sa'amin, iyak at lungkot ang naramdaman ko sa bawat taong nadadaanan ko. It's the day that I have to let my love go. I have to let her be in God's arms, because she suffered too much here. It feels like I'm dreaming and I badly want to wake up. I just can't understand. Why did she end up in here? Mahal ko naman siya. Mahal naman namin ang isa't-isa. Bakit bigla siyang nawala? "Apollo..." Yinakap ako ni Ate Lily pagkarating ko sa kanila. Yinakap ko lang ito ng mahigpit. "Ate. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Wala na si Aimee, kasama niya ang baby namin. Iniwan nila akong mag-isa." I told her but she just hugged me tighter. "Nandito kami..." "Masaya lang kami last month. Nagpa-plano para sa pagdating ng baby namin. We're happy. I just don't know why..." "Sshh..." She tapped my shoulders. I tried not to be weak in front of them for two weeks but I can't control my emotions now. Kailangan ko na siyang pakawalan para makapagpahinga na ito nang tuluyan. "Magpakatatag ka, Apollo. Alam ko na ganoon rin ang gusto ni Aimee. She'll watch you from above now." Ate Vea told me. Pinakawalan ko si Ate Lily at tinignan ang dalawang kabaong na nasa harapan. Ang babaeng mahal ko at ang baby namin. They'll leave me for real. Pagkatapos ng araw na ito, hindi ko na sila makikita. I let myself drown from our memories until the program ended. Pagkatapos ng burol, hindi muna ako umuwi at binigyan ng pagkakataon ang sarili kong makasama pa ang mag-ina ko. I sat in front of their grave when her mom stood beside me. "Apollo anak..." "Tita, magpapainbestiga pa rin ako sa nangyari. I can't let this slide and I want to find that reckless driver. Si Aimee ang nawala. Mahal ko ang nawala. Buntis pa siya, tita. She's pregnant with---" "Apollo hijo, alam kong nahihirapan ka pa. Lalo din naman sa'amin pero alam nating hindi ito ang gusto ng anak ko. She always wants us to be happy. Alam mong ayaw na ayaw niya na nakikita tayong nasasaktan." Tinapik nito ang balikat ko. "I just don't know where to start now that she's gone." I looked up to her. She just smiled a bit but I can also see the sadness in it. "But we all have to move forward hijo. As her mom, I'm thankful that she spent most of her time with you. Alam mo kung gaano ka namin kagusto para sa anak namin pero kailangan mong humakbang paharap anak. Magluluksa tayo pero kailangan nating mabuhay." Mahabang linya nito. Umiling ako. "Tita, marami pa kasi akong plano para---" "Hindi magiging masaya ang anak ko niyan, anak." Her dad came. "Hindi naman natin siya kakalimutan, we just have to move forward without her. She'll stay in our hearts." "Tito..." "Magpapahangin muna kami ng mama mo sa ibang bansa. I hope you can do that too." He tapped my shoulders too. "Nakausap na pala namin ang driver. Naatake sa puso habang nagmamaneho. Sinabi ko ang nangyari sa anak ko." He informed me. Tumayo ako at hinintay ang ibang sasabihin nito. Mukha itong kalmado gaya ng dati. Kumunot ang noo ko. "We just let him go." Pagpapatuloy nito kaya agad humigpit ang hawak ko sa kamao ko. "Tito!" Mahina pero may diin kong sabi. "Namatay si Aimee at anak namin dito." Pagpapaalala ko. "Aimee died because of him." Ulit ko at pinigilan ang sarili ko sa pagtaas ng boses ko. He nodded. "Deep in our hearts, we know that this is Aimee wants." Natigilan ako sa napatingin ulit sa lapida ni Aimee. Unti-unti ulit akong naupo. 'Babe okay lang naman ako. Kawawa naman kapag pinatulan pa natin. World peace!' I imagine her saying it to me with her wide smile and peace sign---like she always does. Lagi niyang iniisip ang ibang tao. Lagi siyang tumutulong sa mga bata sa kalye. She always thinks how can she make everyone happy. She always wants peace. I can't help but to let my tears fall again. I just don't know what to feel but her dad's right. The driver has a reason and I know...deep down, I know what she'll say. "Apollo anak." Naupo ang mama niya sa tabi ko at yinakap ako ng mahigpit. "Salamat sa pagmamahal sa anak ko. Naging masaya si Aimee dahil sa'yo. Mas nauna lang siya dahil baka mas kailangan siya ng Maykapal doon. Huwag mo sanang sisihin ang sarili mo sa nangyari sa kanya." Hinagod niya ang likod ko. "Mas naging masaya ako sa kanya, tita." I told her. Pinkawalan niya ako at may kinuhang libro sa bag niya. She handed it to me. "As we clean her room, I saw this. I think you need to keep it. My daughter loves you so much Apollo. She adores you so much and please, huwag mong itigil ang mundo mo dito. Kailangan mo pa ding humakbang dahil iyon ang unang sasabihin sa'yo ng anak ko." Nagkaroon lang ako ng lakas ng loob na buksan ang libro ni Aimee nang nasa bahay na ako. I need some beer so I can have the courage to do so. She titled the first page, My life and my everything. Nasa ikalawang pahina naman ang litrato namin noong college kami. It was our socialization. 'To my own kind of Apollo who's not into music, I love you.' She wrote with a heart in the end of her note. I smiled a bit. Aimee always complain why I'm not into music when my parents named me Apollo. I always answer her if I have that talent, I would be perfect. 'I hope you would always wear this kind of smile wherever life may take you. Always be warm towards anyone because that what makes me fall for you. Uh, I just can't help but to smile while staring at your picture here. Are you real, babe?' That quoted in a photo when we danced on the stage. "Who wouldn't have that smile when a queen's holding your hand?" I said in the air then take a sip to my beer. 'Apolloooo, I'm just head over heels with you! I hope that whatever magic that's binding us will never vanish. I love you so much and I prayed for your happiness. You know that your warm smile is what I love the most right? Please keep that in mind.' 'I can write love letters here. But my professor scolded me ‘coz I was too lazy writing for his essay. Lol. There are still so many blank pages and I'm really hoping that I can write every space here. I'll give it to you after our marriage---oops. Am I too far? Haha Yeah. Marriage. Oh gosh, kinikilig ako babe! Sana humantong tayo sa altar.' 'I prayed hard to God to give me whoever I deserve, then you came. Wait lang, sobra-sobra yata babe. Sure na ba si Lord? Ah, kung nagkamali siya ayoko nang palitan ka. I feel so blessed to have you, Apollo. And I hope you feel the same way too. Ang saya natin dito.' My tears started to gather on the corners of my eyes. Kaya pala nanghihingi siya palagi ng litrato naming dalawa kahit saan kami magpunta. I was wondering because we don't post everything online. I went to the final third page of the book and skipped all of it because I'll just be reminded by her. A photo taken during my dad's birthday. It was a stolen shot, I'm just starting at her while she talks with my family. They're all laughing in here and I can't remember what was the topic. She always has these silly questions for my sisters. 'Now, look who's more in love? Did the world stop spinning? What babe? Have you realized how lucky you are to have a gorgeous fiancée like me? Hehe. Wait. I'm melting. Lols. Please be happy as always. Oh, I'm almost at the end of this book...we did it babe. We did it up to here. You know my heart, you have me always. I love you so deep, Mr. Apollo." That was her last letter. I can feel the heaviness of my chest. And it's killing me big time. I can't move forward, babe. I just can't let you go. I can't find another you and I just can't replace you. You're my life and I'm so lost without you. This makes no sense. I can't. Please come back to me. I'm begging you.