Chasing Light (Intersex)

Chapter 8

Kabanata 8

Nang marating ko ang apartment ko, nakahinga ako ng maluwag. Tahimik ang paligid at nakapatay ang mga ilaw, mukhang wala nang tao. Dahan-dahan kong binuhat si Miss Kim palabas ng kotse at dinala siya sa loob ng apartment.

Maingat kong inihiga si Miss Kim sa kama ko. Ang kanyang katawan, parang wala sa sarili ay napakagaan sa aking mga bisig. Parang anghel siyang natutulog; ang kanyang mukha ay maamo at ang kanyang mga labi ay bahagyang nakangiti.

Hindi ko maiwasang mapatingin sa kanyang mukha at naalala ko ang halik na ibinigay niya sa akin kanina. Napailing ako. Kailangan kong alisin sa isip ko ang mga bagay na iyon. Ang importante ay makarating siya nang ligtas sa apartment ko.

Pero nang akmang aalis na ako, nakita kong kumurap ang kanyang mga mata. Tumingin siya sa akin; ang kanyang mga mata ay naguguluhan at parang lasing pa rin. Bigla niyang hinawakan ang aking batok at hinila ako palapit sa kanya.

"Jaycee..." she whispered, her voice husky. The scent of her perfume, a mix of jasmine and something intoxicatingly feminine, filled my senses, but there was a faint hint of something else, something sharp and familiar...like tequila.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Nagulat ako sa kanyang aksyon. Pero bago pa man ako makapag-react, gumalaw ang kanyang mga labi at hinalikan niya ako ng dahan-dahan.

Muntik na akong matigilan. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin. Pero sa halip na itulak siya palayo, naramdaman kong tumugon ako sa kanyang halik.

The kiss was gentle, almost innocent, but it sent a shiver down my spine. I felt a strange mix of emotions-guilt, desire, and a sense of overwhelming confusion. I found myself responding to her kiss, my hands reaching up to cup her face. The scent of her perfume, a mix of jasmine and something intoxicatingly feminine, filled my senses, but there was a faint hint of something else, something sharp and familiar...like tequila.

Her lips parted slightly, and our tongues met; a sudden, unexpected surge of heat and a tang of tequila. The taste was sharp, a little bitter, but strangely exhilarating. It was a familiar burn, a warmth that spread quickly from the back of the tongue, a sensation that I had come to associate with late nights and carefree abandon.

But in this moment, in the quiet of my bedroom with Miss Kim's lips pressed against mine, the tequila tasted different. It was a reminder of the wildness of the night, the blurred lines of what was right and wrong, and the sudden, unexpected pull of desire.

I felt a surge of desire, a primal need that seemed to consume me. But then, a voice, a voice that was both mine and not mine, cut through the haze. It was a voice of reason, a voice of caution.

"No," I whispered, my voice barely audible. "We can't do this."

Her lips pulled back from mine; her eyes wide with surprise. "What?" she whispered, her voice laced with a hint of disappointment.

"I can't," I said, my voice firming, pulling back from her touch. "This is wrong."

I felt her body tense beneath me, and I knew that she was finally realizing the truth as well. I gently rolled off of her and sat on the edge of the bed, my heart pounding in my chest. I felt a surge of guilt, but it quickly subsided. I knew that I had done the right thing.

"Miss Kim," I said, my voice calmer now. "I need to go. Please, you need to rest and sleep"

She didn't say anything. She just lay there, her eyes closed, her breath shallow. I reached out and gently touched her cheek.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm so sorry."

I got up and walked over to the door, my hands trembling. I opened the door and walked out, leaving her alone in my room. I didn't look back. I knew that I had made the right decision. But I also knew that I would never forget what had happened that night.

Kinabukasan, maaga akong nagising? halos hindi nga ako nakatulog, medyo inaantok pa ako. Hindi ako makatulog dahil sa paghalik na ginawa sa'kin ni miss Kim magdamag ko itong inisip at kung paano ko ito haharapin. Nagluto nalang ako ng almusal. Siguradong gutom na si Miss Kim pagkagising nito. Naalala ko na natulog ako sa sofa kagabi, kaya medyo masakit ang likod ko.

Nagulat ako nang makita ko siyang gising na at nakatayo sa kusina. Medyo lutang siya, pero gising na gising naman.

"You're awake," I said, trying to keep my voice calm. I knew her head was probably still pounding from last night's drinking, and I didn't want to embarrass her. "I already have some hangover medicine ready, and I made you some milk."

She looked at me with no emotion. "You made breakfast?" she asked, her voice calm and even.

"Oo, naisip ko na siguradong gutom ka na," sagot ko, pilit na ngumingiti. "Nagluto ako ng scrambled eggs at toast."

She nodded slowly, her gaze direct. She took a step closer, and my heart skipped a beat.

"Jaycee," she said, her voice devoid of any emotion. "What happened last night?"

I knew this moment was coming. It had been hanging over me all morning, a weight in my stomach. I didn't know what to say. What could I say? "The truth was... well, you were pretty drunk last night. I couldn't wake you up to ask where you lived, so I brought you back here in my apartment."

She looked at me for a moment, then shifted her gaze. "I don't remember much," she said calmly and evenly.

"Okay lang" sagot ko, pilit na pinapakalma ang sarili. "Ako rin, sorry."

Napakagat ako ng labi. Parang ang bilis ng t***k ng puso ko dahil sa usapan namin kanina. "Miss Kim," sabi ko, "Kumain na po tayo."

Wala siyang imik. Pero agad naman siyang umupo sa upuan. Dali-dali kong nilagyan ang plato niya ng kutsara at tinidor, tapos naglagay ako ng pagkain. Kumuha na rin ako ng plato ko at naglagay ng pagkain.

Kumain kami ng tahimik. Wala ni isang salita ang lumabas sa bibig namin. Ang tanging maririnig lang ay ang kalansing ng mga kubyertos. Si Miss Kim naman ay kumain lang nang kumain na parang wala lang. Napapansin kong panay ang lingon nito sa akin at kapag lilingon naman ako ay iiwas siya ng tingin. Ang bigat ng katahimikan, mas mabigat pa sa mga kubyertos sa mesa.

Maya-maya, naramdaman ko ang bigat ng titig niya. Dahan-dahan kong itinaas ang tingin ko at nakita ko si Miss Kim na nakatitig sa akin. Ang mga mata niya ay parang yelo, malamig at walang emosyon. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Bigla siyang tumayo at umalis, pagtingin ko sa plato nito ay ubos na ang pagkain nito hindi naman halatang gutom siya.

She finally broke the silence, her voice flat and toneless. "I'm done eating," she stated, her gaze still fixed on me.

"Miss Kim, saan ka pupunta? Uuwi ka na?

"No," she replied, her voice still flat. She shifted her weight, avoiding my gaze. "We have class today and we need to get ready"

I hesitated for a moment, then said, "You can take a bath at my room. May banyo doon."

"She nodded curtly, then turned and walked away without another word. I watched her go, a strange mix of relief and unease settling in my stomach.

Tumayo na ako at sinimulang ligpitin ang aming pinagkainan. Mabilis kong hinugasan ang mga ito.

After washing the dishes, I went to my room. I needed to get ready for class too but I couldn't shake the feeling that I should do something for her. She hadn't brought any clothes with her, and I knew she wouldn't be comfortable wearing her school uniform all day. I searched through my closet, looking for something she might be able to wear. I found a plain white shirt and a pair of jeans, both a bit too big for her, but they were clean and comfortable. I also found a new pair of underwear na bago that I could offer her. I hoped she wouldn't mind. I wasn't sure if she would even accept them.

I hesitated for a moment, then decided to knock on her bathroom door. I knocked softly. After a moment, I heard the shower turn off. I quickly placed the clothes and underwear neatly on my bed. I didn't want to intrude, so I just left them there. I quietly slipped out of the room, leaving her to get ready.

I went to the living room and sat down on the sofa, waiting. I checked my phone, but my mind kept drifting back to Miss Kim. I wondered if she was okay, if she appreciated the clothes I'd left for her. I waited patiently, the silence punctuated only by the occasional sounds from her room. I knew I needed to get ready for class myself, but I couldn't bring myself to leave until she came out. I wanted to see if she was alright.

Just then, she came out of her room. Our eyes met, but her expression was unreadable. The silence felt heavy between us. I broke the gaze, went to my room, grabbed a towel, and showered. Suot nito ang nilagay kong damit kanina sa kama, buti naman at sinuot niya.

Mabilis lang akong naligo at lumabas ng banyo, wala akong suot kundi ang towel na nakapulupot sa buhok ko. Napahinto ako sa gitna ng kwarto, bigla akong naestatwa nang makita ko si Miss Kim na nakatayo malapit sa kama ko. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko, nakaramdam ako ng matinding hiya. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Saglit na natigilan si Miss Kim, mukhang nagulat din siya.

Pagkatapos ay mabilis niyang tinakpan ang mga mata gamit ang kanyang mga kamay. "Oh, I didn't mean to-" Nauutal niyang sabi, ang boses ay bahagyang nanginginig. Pagkatapos ay mabilis siyang lumabas ng kwarto. Naiwan akong tulala, hawak-hawak ang towel, ang puso ko'y mabilis na tumitibok. Parang gusto ko nang lumubog sa lupa. Baka nakita niya ang tinatago kong sekreto.

Nagmadali akong nagbihis. Isinuot ko ang paborito kong oversized gray sweater-malambot at kumportable-at ang pamilyar kong faded blue jeans. Simple lang pero feeling ko ay mas okay na ito kaysa sa hubad na katawan ko kanina. Paglabas ko ng kwarto, wala na si Miss Kim. Mukhang umalis na nga siya. Napabuntong-hininga ako.

Paglabas ko ng apartment, napahinto ako. Nakita ko si Miss Kim na nakasandal sa kanyang kotse, parang hinihintay ako.

Bago pa ako makapagsalita, binuksan na niya ang pinto ng kotse sa passenger seat.

"Let's go," may awtoridad na sabi nito. Napalunok ako. Parang may kakaiba sa tono niya. Wala na akong nagawa kundi sumakay sa passenger seat. Ang puso ko'y patuloy pa ring mabilis ang t***k.

Nang makasakay ako, diretso ang tingin niya sa akin. Unti-unti siyang lumapit, at napapikit na lang ako dahil sa kaba. Akala ko ay may gagawin siyang hindi maganda, pero naramdaman ko na lang ang pagkabit ng seatbelt ko. "Done," she said, a smirk playing on her lips. Napadilat ako at nakita ang pagngisi niya. She then maneuvered the car smoothly out of the parking space, leaving me speechless and utterly flustered.

Habang nagmamaneho siya, hindi kami nag-uusap. Tahimik lang ang biyahe. Ang tanging naririnig ko lang ay ang tunog ng makina ng kotse.

Paminsan-minsan, sa mga pagitan ng pagtingin ko sa labas, nahuli ko si Miss Kim na sumusulyap sa akin sa rearview mirror. Pero ang mga mata niya... walang mababasa. Isang blankong canvas. Walang emosyon. Malamig, tahimik, impassive. Parang isang robot na nagsasagawa lang ng isang routine. Mas nakakatakot pa ito kaysa sa kahit anong ekspresyon.

Ang katahimikan sa loob ng kotse ay mabigat, mas mabigat pa sa mga gamit ko sa bag. Parang may malaking elepante sa silid na ayaw naming pag-usapan. Pero hindi ko na kaya. Kailangan kong maayos ang lahat. Kailangan kong pag-usapan ito.

"Miss Kim," sabi ko, ang boses ko ay bahagyang nanginginig. "Tungkol sa kagabi at sa nakita mo kanina"

Agad siyang tumingin sa akin, at sa sandaling iyon, parang may isang malamig na hangin na dumaan sa loob ng sasakyan. Ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya ay nanatiling hindi mabasa. Walang emosyon. Malamig. Parang bato.

"Jaycee," sabi niya, ang boses niya ay kalmado pero matigas. "There's no need to talk about it. Let's just forget it happened."

"Pero..."

"No buts, I was under the influence of alcohol. " putol niya sa akin. "Please, keep it a secret. It's best if we just pretend it never happened. For both of our sakes. Understand?"

Her voice shut me out, cold and firm. It was like an invisible wall, made of fear and a need to protect herself. I felt completely shut off from her.

I just nodded. I couldn't argue. She was right, but my heart felt different. My feelings were all mixed up.

The closer we got to the university, the more uncomfortable the silence in the car became. It wasn't just a ride; it felt like we were heading towards an uncertain future, a future filled with questions, doubts, and the burden of a secret that could alter everything.