Words Between The Silences

Chapter Two

Unsaid Words

"Kasali tayo sa mga In Between," Ely pointed out as we walk. Oras na ng uwian namin at madalas, dahil kami lang ni Ely ang walang sundo, ay naglalakad kami papunta sa sakayan ng traysikel. It was a fifteen minute walk and during those walks we always discuss things that we don't want to discuss with our other friends. Sort of a closed meeting consisting of only two persons.

Pero ngayon, ang mabilis pa ring tumitibok na puso ko ay siyang nagpapawalang gana sa akin. I know Ely was just itching to talk to me but I can't think of anything else except my entries plastered all over the Rushmore Integrated High School, the only school I've been attending since I started going on high school.

"Sila Denise naman ganun din," patuloy niya, "tingin mo bagay doon si Cristine? Kahit na agree ako sa mga pinagsasasabi 'nung The Page, ang harsh naman 'nun. Grabe lang ah?"

I worriedly looked at her. Sa tingin ko ito na ata ang papatay sa akin, kanina pang umaga mabilis t***k ng puso ko, pero pati rin ba si Ely ay ayaw sa mga salita ko? Sa mga sinulat ko?

"Kung ikaw, kung ikaw lang naman ang tatanungin, sa tingin mo okay lang 'yung The Page?" I asked anxiously, frowning deeply at my poorly-constructed question.

"Siguro, medyo okay na rin," pahayag niya, nangungunot ang noo sa pag-iisip ng sagot sa tanong ko. "Kailangan na yata ng mga taong mangsasampal kila Pat at Luis na hindi sila ang hari ay reyna ng mundo na 'to. Aba, unfair na nga ang buhay, dadagdag pa sila? No way, dude!"

"Kung sa bagay," pagsang-ayon ko, napatango pa ako.

"Kahit na ang harsh lang ng mga pinagsasabi 'nun, may point pa rin naman," sabi ni Ely. "People tend to hate criticism because it shows them what they really are. Siguro, in a way, hindi natin gustong makita na nalalaman ng mga tao ang flaws natin. Ikaw ba? Ano ba sa tingin mo?"

Those were the unspoken words of a quiet poet. The words that are never meant to be let out but I think, as time goes by, people will forget those. I would want to say those things, I really would, but I was that quiet poet that was intended to write and do nothing more.

"Tama ka naman." I smiled bitterly and ran a hand over my bangs. "Maybe The Page is meant to bind people to themselves and make them really see the things as they really are."

"Or maybe The Page is meant to ruin everything in its path," a somber voice suddenly butt in, "creating havoc at its trail, broken relationships, and poisonously doubtful personalities."

"Luke!" I exclaimed and motioned him to walk beside us.

"Cuz!" sabay na sabi ni Ely sa akin na tumingin patalikod sa kaniyang pinsan. Nag-apir ang dalawa at tuluyan na kaming sinabayan ng pinsan niya na maglakad.

"Narinig ko pinag-uusapan ninyo ha." He wiggled his eyebrows at us. Tinapatan ko iyon ng pagtaas ng kilay ko sa kaniya.

"Ikaw ba? What do you think?" balik na tanong agad sa kaniya ng pinsan. Sa nerbiyos ko ay walang pag-iisip kong hinawi ang buhok kong muli. Nakita ko si Luke na tumingin sa mosyon kong iyon. Agad kong binawal ang sarili at pinatahimik sa paggalaw ang mga malilikot kong kamay.

"I believe in world peace and its devastatingly weak role in human society despite its significance," Luke instead answered.

"Luke naman e! Ano tingin mo sa The Page?" I impatiently asked. "Kung anu ano na naman pinagsasasabi mo."

Luke looked at me mysteriously, his grey eyes squinted and analyzed me which took in everything in his sight. Si Luke ay 'yung tipo ng tao na may tingin na parang binabasa pati na rin ang kaluluwa mo.

Sometimes it amazes me, but it often terrifies me. Just like now.

Pakiramdam ko alam niya.

I shook off that feeling. Scaring myself would never help me.

Stop overthinking, because it was just nothing, I pleaded to myself.

"I think that whoever published those articles are either brilliant, brave, or mad." Pinasadahan niya ang kulot na buhok niya ng kaniyang kamay at pinasok sa bulsa ang isang kamay habang ang isa ay hawak ang isang malaking bote na puno ng katas ng mga mangga. "It was brilliantly written, to be honest. And they are brave and mad to talk up against... practically everyone."

Leukos Huggin Jones Mortalis or in short Luke is one of the smartest person I've ever known, but, starnge enough, he wasn't the top student of the school, he also wasn't the favorite of the teachers, and people look at him as an eccentric person.

And yes, I agree with most people but he took his eccentricity to a whole new level. He might be weird but for all the good reasons. He's got a strange name and attitude, he's my best friend's cousin, and the most brilliant person I've ever known.

Naaalala ko pa noong diretsyahang nasabi sa kaniya na 'weirdo' siya. He took it well and, well... weirdly.

"If being weird means being differently unique and disagreeing with most people's fallacies, they you may be right... maybe I am indeed a weirdo," he said that time, did a little bow, and left.

He was gallant that way. Gallant and grandiose.

And he has always been that way that it wasn't an eccentricity anymore.

"Nakakailang bote ka isang araw niyan?" Nginuso ko ang boteng hawak niya. Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses ko nang naitanong iyon sa kaniya pero kasi nakababahala lang na hindi siya nagtatae kakainom niyon.

Pinanliitan niya ako ng mga mata at ang pinsan na niya ang nagsalita para sa kaniya. "Haays," buntong hininga niya na parang pagod na kakasagot para sa pinsan niya, "huwag mo nang itanong kasi kahit ako hindi ko na mabilang. Hayaan mo na lang siya't diyan naman siya sasaya."

Nagpatuloy kami sa paglalakad. Pinag-usapan namin ni Ely ang pagkain sa labas kasama sila Denise at Cristine, samantalang ang kasama namin ay tahimik at umiinom sa dalang bote. Katumbas ata iyon ng tatlong litro.

"It doesn't matter what I thought," he said suddenly, "all in good time, everything will be gone to ashes and all will be forgotten. We will fall into an endless oblivion where no one is remembered and nothing is important."

"Whoa!" manghang sabi ni Ely, kunyari niya pang tinakpana ng bibig niya ng likod ng palad niya. "Ang deep, dude! Ang deep! Minsan talaga hindi ko ma-imagine na magkamag-anak tayo e."

"Hindi mo kasi namana ang katalinuhan ko, I know," hambog na untag naman ni Luke, "huwag ka maiinggit, Ely—ow!" daing niya bigla noong tumama ng malakas ang kamay ni Ely sa batok niya. Natawa ako na lang ako.

Tinikom ko lang ang bibig ko at hindi na muna nagsalita.

He was right though. Everything will fade and fall. Siguro nga, tama si Luke. Baka kinabukasan nakalimutan na ng mga tao ang mga salitang pinaghirapan kong isulat. Ano naman kasing kuwenta ng mga iyon diba?

So for that day, I wrote the words that I never thought I'll write. Kumuha ako ng isang maliit na papel na madalas kong gawin sa tuwing magtatapos na ang araw ko at dinikit sa malinis na pader ng kwarto ko.

29th of July:

Oh my God, my entries got out.

Niyakap ko ang diaries ko habang napapasinghap sa kabiguan na nadarama. Lumuhod ako sa tabi ng kama ko at inabot sa ilalim ang kahon ko. Maingat na nilagay ko roon ang mga tala-arawan ko at nilagay uli iyon sa ilalim ng kama ko.

With a sigh, I looked around my room full and shouting with different colored sticky notes that I've been putting since God knows when. Kaunti na lang wala na akong mapaglalagyan at kaunti na lang din ang pasensya ni mommy sa akin.

Ilang beses niya na akong nasisita dahil sa mga ito. This day was not an exception, she made it very clear to me that she didn't appreciate every single sticky note on the wall so gave me a warning. Actually, more like a threat really.

"Sinasabi ko sa'yo! Pupunitin ko lahat ng mga basura sa kwarto mo! Aba, akala mo natutuwa ako? Ang kalat kalat ng kwarto mo!"

Sa hapon na ito ay hiningi ni mommy ang tulong ko sa kusina. Hindi ako magaling magluto pero alam ko naman kung paano maghiwa ng mga sangkap kaya hindi ako ganoong kabulag sa mga gamit dito kaya nga iyon na nga ang ginawa ko.

"Mommy, hindi kalat iyon." Pinigilan kong ang pag-ikot ng mga mata ko sa kaniya at hinawi na lang ang buhok ko na may inis. "Ako na nga bahala 'run."

"Anong hindi kalat?" malakas na singhal niya sa akin, sabay duro duro pa sa mukha ko. "Eh tignan mo ang kwarto mo at ang pangit pangit, tinulad mo sa sarili mong baboy! Tatanga tanga ka na naman! Ang ayos ayos ng kwarto mo, ginaganun mo! Dinudugyot mo lang!"

My mother wasn't a sentimental person...when it comes to other person's belongings. Kung hindi sa kaniya ay hindi siya mag-aatubiling itapon o ipamigay sa kung saan. She doesn't keep things for later use or for sentimental value. Itatapon niya lang ang mga sira nang bagay tapos bibili kapag kailangan na.

Pero kung para sa kaniya at may halaga pa sa pamantayan niya ay itatabi niya. Sh was selfish in that way. Kahit may halaga pa sa ibang tao pero kung sa paningin niya ay wala nang kwenta o hindi na siya mabebenepisyuhan ay itatapon na niya.

Katulad na lang ng mga libro at papel kong nakadikit sa pader ng kwarto ko.

Mas nanggigigil tuloy ako sa paghiwa ng sibuyas pero nang ililipat ko na ito sa isa pang lalagyanan ay nadulas sa kamay ko ang plastik na mangkok na hawak ko. Nanlumo akong nakatingin sa pagbagsak ng mangkok at ng sibuyas na hiniwa ko.

The bowl hit the tiled floor with a loud clatter as the content scattered on the same floor. Its loud sound resonates throughout our large kitchen, seemingly inviting attention.

"s**t," bulong ko sa sarili. My eyes turned into horrified slits as I looked at the mess I made. Lumingon ako para tignan kung nasaan si mommy pero nasa may sala pa siya kaya lang alam kong maririnig niya ang kalabog ng mangkok namin kahit na nasa itaas pa siya.

Lumuhod agad ako para sikupin ang sibuyas na hiniwa ko ng pino nang dumating si mommy. "Tatanga-tanga ka na naman! Naku! Iyan na nga lang hindi mo pa magawang maayos. Kanina ka pa ha! Iyan na nga lang hindi mo pa ginagamit utak mo! Wala ka na namang diskarte!"

Nagmarsta siya papunta sa akin para pangaralan ako sa katangahan ko at ang kawalan ko ng diskarte.

Diskarte.

I hated that word.

I loathed it.

For me, it is a cursed word that my mother utter every damn time I make a small mistake. "Diskarte! Diskarte! Kulang na naman sa diskarte! Tatanga-tanga!" she'd say as if it is a holy mantra.

Noong una, nasasaktan pa ako.

Words have a power over people that can wound and scar them, but then again, those were just feelings. Hindi naman nila malalaman iyon kung tatahimik ako at kung sasabihin ko man ang nararamdaman ko...

Well, nobody really has to ask because another argument will resurface after the talk about my stupidity.

"Ano sumasagot ka pa?!" bulyaw niya tuwing dedepensahan ko ang sarili ko kaya mananahimik na lamang ako. At isa pa, nasanay na rin ako.

Likas akong malamyang kumilos kaya parang sumpa ang kamay ko sa lahat ng hinahawakan nito. Mabibitawan ko ang hawak ko o minsan ay masyadong mahigpit hawak ko, o minsan may malalaglag kapag pumasok ko.

Tapos titingin ako kay mommy, iilingan niya ako at tataliman ng tingin. Minsan ay bubulyawan ako pero kapag nasa mood ay isa o dalawang salita lang ang maririnig ko. Diskarte o tanga.

Nagtangis ang panga ko sa pagmamadaling sikupin ang mga sibuyas pero dahil pino ay nahirapan akong sikupin bawat butil, nagkalat pa ito hanggang sa ilalim ng lamesa. Hindi pa nakatulong na medyo namumugto pa ang mata ko dahil sa punyemas na kung ano mang meron sa sibuyas para magpa-iyak ng isang tao. Para tuloy naluluha ako kasi pinapagalitan ako, kahit hindi naman!

"Ano, papakain mo sa amin iyang puro dumi?!" mas malakas na singhal niya sa akin.

Mabigat ang pinakawalan kong buntong hininga. Pasok sa kanang tenga, labas sa kaliwa. Natuto ko nang gawin iyon. I'm already an expert. I proceeded as if nothing happened even if my face was heated. Agad agad ang pagpanhik ko sa kwarto ko. I started to take and put my sticky notes into a pile. Kailangan kong mailigtas ang mga ito bago pa maitapon ni mommy.

Accidentally, I brushed my hair with my onion scent stained fingers, causing my eyes to water yet again.

Fuck! I f*****g hate this!

"Sino sa tingin mo ang gumawa ng The Page?" tanong sa akin ni Nick habang kumakain kami. Parang literal na tumigil ang puso ko sa tanong niya. Kailangan ko nang magpaalam sa puso at utak ko magmula ngayon dahil sa estado ng kalagayan ko ngayon, baka hindi na nila makayanan ang lahat ng stress na ito.

"I saw the description about you..." Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko at uminom ng tubig para makawala sa nagngi-ngitngit na mukha niya ang paningin ko.

He was pissed, and there was nothing more obvious than that.

Napalunok akong muli.

"Yeah, real fun," he retorted sarcastically which brought a sharp nudge on my chest. Is this goodbye heart? Even my brain can't seem to function well. "Patay sa akin kapag nalaman ko kung sino ang writer ng The Page na 'yan. Hindi ka ba nagagalit kasi pati ikaw sinali? Parang pinag-aaway kayo ni Denise at Cristine."

I anxiously bit my upper lip this time and made circles with my finger on the table cloth just so I would have a reason not to look at him. Nahihiya ako, nahihiya ako sa mga pinagsasasabi ko tungkol sa kaniya. Kahit kailan ay hindi ko naman alam na mararating ang mga salita ko tungkol sa kaniya.

Kung alam niya na akin ang mga salitang iyon, na ako ang gumawa sa mga iyon, mapapatawad niya ba ako? Would he laugh with me and my friends as we talk about it?

Kumain lang ako nang tahimik habang pinakikinggan ang mga reklamo at hinanakit ni Nick tungkol sa The Page.

"Doesn't it bother you na pati inosenteng mga tao nakasali sa The Page?" patuloy ni Nick, at dahil wala nga ako sa lagay na makipag-usap tungkol sa gusto niyang pag-usapan ay tumatango na lang ako at sumasang-ayon na lang.

"Baka prank lang ito 'noh!" pabirong sambit ko pero madilim pa rin ang tingin ni Nick.

I brought out the pile of my unused sticky notes and wrote on it.

He hates me. He hates the words I never meant to say. Will he ever forget the words I never meant to say out loud?

Kinuha ko naman ang pahayagan kung saan naka-imprenta ang mga tala ko sa tala-arawan. Pinasadahan ko ang madulas at kumikinang na papel nito saka naamoy ito. It was a very familiar scent, something I'm well acquitted with, the scent of a newly printed glossy paper.

Date: 26th of June

For however long an ink hasn't touched these pages, things progressed naturally. Things became different, things that weren't there before started showing. The world seems different without really changing.

Inisa-isa ko ang bawat letra sa mga salitang hindi ko masabi ng malakas. I never really thought of seeing them in print or of people reading them.

First things first, there was a new transferred student named Luis Arkuena and everyone's talking a great deal about him. At first, it wasn't that hard to see what other people are seeing, of what makes him so special. He is truly handsome with that charismatic air about him.

But too much is not as good as we want it to be. Too handsome, that he couldn't stay contented with one girl in a span of a week... and it's only three weeks from the start of the school year. Three broken hearts all wasted on him, well it isn't his fault if girls flock all over him. And too charismatic, people let him get away easily. Too easily. It was annoying, that. Annoying and bothering.

Well, what to expect to another addition to the Entitled Royalties? One doesn't really expect them to be as humble as everyone. Much more that he has seemingly become the "king" of the Entitled Royalties.

Meanwhile, Bea Somera is showing her true nature now. From being the modest and prim lady, she has turned herself into a shameful and embarrassing wanton. Wanting every boy at her heels, waiting and panting on every word she utters. Might This Page add that she also belongs to the Entitled Royalty? It's nauseous how entitled they feel to the world that surround them.

So... thirdly, the over-the-top irritating Michael Gutierrez is now getting the attention he has always wanted. Even the bystanders, the people of the In Between, noticed him and the shameless tweeting if his that all they could do was to make a banter out of it. A loser trying to revive its imaginary society status. How pathetic!

I winced and groaned. That's three persons to each sections of my school. What was worse was the following paragraph. Kinuskos ko ang mga salita gamit ang hinlalaki ko na para bang mawawala na lang ito bigla.

Next to that is another loser, Rose Mae, who in all retrsopect, doesn't have a care in the world.

Napangiwi uli ako sa unang pangungusap. I don't hate Rose! Pero, oo, minsan ay naiinis ako sa kaniya. She is my best friend. Or she was, at least. It was astonishing how quickly we fell apart or have grown apart. Nowadays, even Ely could not tolerate her.

With her tentacles, she haughtily wrapped them around the Entitled Royalties. This must be emphasized with at least two underlines. With failing grades, she's abusing the teacher's kindness. Ignoring all the special exams and activities they're providing for her. But then again, is it really kindness? Everyone knows that she's only passing because of her family's wealth and because most teachers are her parents' colleague.

But even with those, it can only take her as high as the Royalties' foot. She have to be as shallow as them if she really wants to join their little ranks.

Napailing na lang ako. Kahit gaano ko itanggi sa sarili na wala akong pakialam ay may pakialam talaga ako! Hindi ba at pinagtuuanan ko ng malaking parte ng oras ko ang mga ito? Ito ang aral na hindi ko matutunan, ang tumigil na. These words, I was the one who put them together! At kung may magsasabi mang inaako nila ang pagsusulat nito ay baka mamatay ako! Itong mga salitang ito na lang ang mayroon ako.

I cannot speak to the gentle sensibilities of the people around me so words are the only salvation I have. So who posted these articles and, most importantly, why?

Then I remember what happened last summer. It was the violence of that that made me jolt back to reality. Was it really better to hide?

But what else can I do?

Hinilamos ko ang kamay ko sa mukha at umiling.

If I can't save a person before, pray tell, how am I supposed to do this alone now? I gripped the only piece she left me behind and how was the queen will be able to save me like what she said, I don't know, but, more than anything, I would love to lean on someone who can fully understand the gravity of the situation.

Someone, help me... please.