I'm Not Me Anymore

14

TW: ABUSE, BLOOD, SUBSTANCE, & s*x HARASSMENT

"Drink this, pill you need this. You're sick." she handed me the pill.

I stared at it for second with confusion. I'm not even sick nor I feel ill. Pagod lang ako dahil biglaan kami lumipat ng bahay.

All I know that my mom and dad wants to be away on that house. I didn't even get a cbance to say goodbye to my friends though.

"Mommy, I'm not sick-"

"You're sick, Lei. Tingin mo lang na you don't feel ill. Just trust me, I'm your mother. Mother knows best, okay?" mahinahon niyang sabi.

I took a deep sigh and took a pill at ininom ko 'yon. Everyday, she gives me the pill. I don't even know what that pill is.

Morning came, sinalibong ako ni mommy sa labas ng kwarto ko and asked me some weird questions. 

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm good, mom. I think I don't need that pill anymo-"

"Can you still remember things?"

"Remember what?"

"On our... old house?" her tone made her sound unsure.

But what old house? Wasn't this our first house? The house where I grew up?

"Mom, I literally grew up here," I chuckled. "May old house po ba tayo?!" I asked enthusiatically.

"Yes... no!" mabilis niyang pang tanggi. "What your friends? That... kid?"

My eyebrows furrowed. "Po? What kid?" I forced my laughed.

"Nevermind... I just realized I suppose to ask your sister, silly me." she was about to walk away.

I shook my head and went downstairs to get some breakfast meal. I stopped eating my meal when I suddenly remember the pill I've been drinking. That pill... I started to feel something weird whenever i wake up in the morning. It wasn't good.

There were some times I suddenly forget my name, where was I, who was ate Aliyah is, and many more! It's so weird. But maybe it's part of growing up...

"Mommy, I don't wanna drink that pill anymore! It's making me feel ill!" Nag lumpasay ako sa sahig and she grabbed my hair tightly para patayuin ako.

"Inumin mo 'to! Napaka tigas ng ulo mong bata ka!"

I kept shaking my head when she suddenly pulled me and forced me to put the pill inside my mouth. I had no choice but to swallow it.

"Yan! Madali lang diba?! Lulunukin mo lang! Inantay mo pa talagang sakto ka, e. Remember, I'm your mom, you should listen to me!" she scolded at me.

I stopped drinking the pill whenever she handed me the pill, I sneakily threw it and pretended I drinked it. 

"Stay on your room and don't get out!" my mom yelled at me at the top of her lungs. 

I just stared at her, habang yong luha ko namumuo sa mata ko. Everytime she yells at me... or even she gets closer to me, my hands were shaking so bad. I wonder what it means, I should ask that to my ate. 

But the problem is, my mom changes her personality whenever my ate is around. I remember my mom was about to hurt me because I accidentally broke her vase, at nang bigla dumating si ate, nag bago ang muka niya. She acted like nothing happened. 

I wonder what that means.

"Sorry... mommy, I'm sorry..." I sobbed and begged. 

She pulled her hair out of frustration. "Were you even aware of what you did?! You always embarrass me infront of people! You don't know much embarrassed I was!"

"Hey, leave that kid alone." my dad's voice echoed while he was at the kitchen.

She grabbed my left arm tightly and I started bursting out my tears. Hindi ko alam... hindi ko alam kung bakit ito ginagawa ni Mommy. I know it was my fault for dropping the glass of water on her earlier while she was discussing something with her co-workers... but... I just don't understand why.

Is this how we should treat people when they did something mistake? Was that normal?

"Tumahan kang bata ka, pag ko pa narinig yang pag hikbi mo, bahala kang magutom. Papaalisin kita rito, punyeta ka." 

Patuloy pa rin ako sa pag iyak. Hindi ko mapigilan sarili ko dahil ang sakit ng ginawa sakin ni mommy. 

I took a glance on my arm, and it was reddish and a few scratches. Some scratches were even bleeding. But not too much blood. 

"Honey, you should stop. You're hurting your own child." my dad tried to calm her down as he caressed my mom's shoulder.

She gave me a death glare and that made me stepped backwards. 

You're a monster...

"Umakyat kana sa taas, Lei." 

Agad akong umakyat sa taas at nag kulong sa loob ng kwarto ko. I leaned against my door and my tears burst out once again.

Does my mom hates me?

Why is she so mean and abuses me?

Is that how parents suppose to lecture their children to learn their lessons?

Dahil sa aking pag iyak, hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog ako. Basta ang alam ko, I was crying nonstop while holding my arm. I can still feel my mom's hands on my arm, holding exaggeratedly.

Nagising ako nang may narinig akong pumasok sa loob ng kwarto ko. It was dark so I can't see it clearly.

"Ate?" pinaningkit ko ang aking mga mata.

"Its dad," he smiled.

"Oh..." I scratched my head and nodded. Bakit pa pala siya gising ng ganitong oras? "Daddy, ano oras na po?" I innocently asked.

No one ever tried to enter on my room except ate, especially at this late. That's strange.

"Can dad sleep here?" he was holding his pillow while smiling. 

I smiled and nodded. I gave him some space so he could lay down next to me on my bed. 

Maybe dad was different. Maybe he wasn't a monster like mom.

Habang ako nakatitig sa kisame, nakaramdam ulit ako ng antok. I yawned and I told daddy that I'm sleepy already.

"Goodnight," he kissed me on my forehead.

After I closed my eyes, nawala bigla yong antok ko. Pero gusto ko pang matulog dahil alam kong madaling araw pa lang at wala pa akong nakikitang araw. I remained my eyes closed, forcing myself to sleep.

Eveything was peaceful a few seconds ago. But the minute passes by, it was getting worse. It feels like there's something rough was touching my skin. I ignored it, I ignored it. Because maybe it's normal.

At the next night, daddy wanted to sleep again on my room every late night. I don't even know if it's normal but whenever my dad was sleeping on my room, I couldn't sleep... it just feels wrong.

I yawned at tinalikuran ko si daddy para harapin yong dingding dahil hindi ako makatulog, it's been a week. I closed my eyes once again.

As the clock kept moving every seconds passes by, there was something rough again. But this time is different. My heart was beating so fast, I could here every beats. I couldn't speak... I couldn't breathe...

All I feel was fear and nervousness.

Bumangon ako bigla at nakita kong nagulat din si daddy sakin.

"Gising ka pa? Ano oras na ah, matulog kana." may halong inis niyang sabi. 

Why does it feels... wrong? Was it not normal?

I shook my head at napa bangon si daddy. He caressed my arm and I started crying. I was trying to hold my tears because of what he was doing.

His eyes was different. His looks was covered with a monster look. It looks like I was facing a nightmare monster creature infront of me.

"D-dad, I feel uncomfortable. Please stop-"

"Do you know what I'm doing is how parents show their love? Come on, it's normal. Why would you feel uncomfortable, Lei?"

I shook my head again and pursed my lips. "No... dad... please s-sto-"

"If you f*****g tell me to stop, I will f*****g kill you," he threatened me.

I had no choice but to let him do what he wants every night. He was touching while I was holding my tears and not to make noise. It became a huge nightmare to me. I couldn't sleep.

Everytime I sleep, I was dreaming about a monster trying to cover my mouth with a pillow so I couldn't scream for help.

"Ate, can I sleep here?" I carefully asked. 

"Oo naman! Tara rito," she gave me a comforting smile and gave me a space so I can lay down next to her. "What's up? what's with all the sudden?" tanong niya habang naka tukod yung kamay niya sa ulo, while facing me, laying down next to me.

Should I tell her?

Should I tell her how our mother treats me? How a monster she was?

Should I tell her that my our father was a nightmare on my dreams every night?

I pursed my lips. "Wala naman. Nakakasawa na kasi roon sa kwarto, e." I lied.

I had to lie...

I don't want my ate will get involved with this. I will face the darkness and the nightmare I'm facing every morning and every night while she's away.

"Kwentuhan muna tayo, don't sleep yet." she held my hand.

I don't sleep. I couldn't sleep anymore. I guess myself isn't letting me to dream about that nightmare again.

"Naalala mo pa si Ezekiel?"

Nag salubong biglang ang mga kilay ko. I think I already heard that name before, hindi ko lang maalala. Was it ate's friend? my old classmate? 

"Huh? No... pero familiar siya, sino yan?"

Her face looks surprised! Ano ba meron?!

She gasped. "What?! You're kidding right?!" 

Napa bangon ako habang nakakunot parin ang mga noo. "No! Sino nga yan?!"

"Hala siya," she laughed out loud.

Ugh, so it's my fault now?! Sino ba kasi 'yon? 

Nagkulubong siya kaya kiniliti ko siya nang kiniliti hanggang sa mahulog kami sa kama. Ayaw niya kasi sabihin, e!

"Ano ba!" sabi niya habang natatawa. "Ang sama mo, kinalimutan mo childhood friend mo!" 

Napatigil ako sa pag tawa. He sounded so familiar, I think I knew him before but I don't where and how.

I was about to say something when someone knocked on the door. We stopped talking and remained silent. Mabilis kaming umakyat ng kama nang makilala yung katok. Nagkulubong kami pareho sa kama and stared for a second, holding our laugh.

"Anong oras na?" tanong ko habang bumubulong.

She shrugged and remained silent. 

Nang marinig namin yung hakbang papaalis, tinanggal namin kumot at parehas kaming pawis na pawis, "Woo!" sabi namin.

"Tara tulog na tayo." I said while giggling.

"Oo, baka mapagalitan pa tayo, e." she smiled. She looked at me and laughed. "Goodnight, sis." 

"Goodnight,"

As the weeks passes by, it was all still the same but less. I continued sleep at my sister's room and never answered my father's questions why I stopped sleeping at my room. And my mom got busy on work so she scolds me less.

I was about to enter on ate's room but I stopped when I heard someone sobbing. Dinikit ko ang tenga ko sa pintuan at narinig kong may umiiyak and satying the same phrase over and over again.

"f**k you... f**k you... f**k both of you."

That's what I heard. I stepped backwards with the shock emotion plastered on my face. Ate was suffering too? Was she experiencing the same nightmare I'm currently facing?

And she was cursing words! She sounded so mad... her voice has full of anger. And who was she referring to?! It's Impossible if it's mom and dad kasi they treat her well!

Was she being bullied?!

I let that day pass because I didn't know how I'm going to ask her, she might also get uncomfortable or hate me.

I was playing a music when my ate suddenly came. Kami lang dalawa ngayon rito sa bahay dahil nasa trabaho sila mommy and daddy. 

She was saying something but I couldn't hear her words kaya tinanggal ko yung headset ko. 

"I know a song, you will love it." paguulit niya.

I gave a space to sit next to me at binigay ko sakaniya yung phone "Sure,"

She went to Youtube and she typed something. The music started playing at kinuha niya ying ukelele sa lamesa at sinabayan niya yung kanta.

When somebody loved me... everything was beautiful... every hour spent together... lives within my heart... when she loved me."

After she introduced me that music, palagi ko nang pinapakinggan 'yon. I don't know why. But that music has a deep meaning and seems so special to me. We also started covering songs. She was the one who plays the ukelele and I'm the one who sings.

"C chord, D chord, G chord, and the Em chord, tandaan mo palagi yang four basic chords." turo niya sakin habang hawak hawak ko yong strings.

Mabilis akong natuto ng ukelele. It's quite easy for me kaya madalas kaming nag kakantahan ni ate tuwing bored kami. Minsan rinerecord namin pero hindi namin pinopost.

Years has passed, we were both slowly growing up. Our closeness is on other level. She was like a bestfriend to me. She knows me so much even some small details about me. My strength, weakness, happiness, fears, and my traits. And she never took advantage some negative parts of me. And that's what it makes her the best sister ever.

It was afternoon when I went home from school. Hindi na kami nakakasabay ng uwi ni ate dahil iba yung schedule namin. Mas maaga ang uwi niya ng isang oras. 

Nang makauwi ako, I heard someone crying. It wasn't that loud, but it echoes. I was walking slowly as my hands started to shake. I'm scared... what's happening?!

Nang may marinig akong bumagsak sa sahig, napatakbo ako wala sa oras. I heard it towards the kitchen. Nang makarating ako sa kusina, I stepped something sharp and the blood started dripping on the floor.

Ouch.

It was a shattered glass! Ika-ika akong naglakad nang matanaw ko si ate, she was on the sink, crying so hard. My eyes widened when I saw what she was holding.

"Ate!"

Napatigil siya sa pagiyak at pag hikbi. She slowly turned around and my tears started to fall on my cheeks. I couldn't describe what I feel right now. 

My body is shaking and my hands were so cold as my heart beats so fast, I can hear it. "W-what happened?" I couldn't talk. I had to force myself to speak because there were no words wanted to let out from my mouth.

"I-it's nothing. I-i'm gonna fix-"

"No!" I shouted without hesitation. 

I didn't mean to disrespect her, and I never had an intention so disrespect her. It only made me pissed when she said it was nothing, na parang hindi siya umiyak.

"You're too young to understand, you're too young for this." she faked her smiled. 

After a few weeks, things are getting worse. Hindi na siya lumalabas ng kwarto o nagkakain, kapag siya tinatawag, lagi niyang sinasabi "busog pa ako." o "wala akong ganang kumain." parati ko rin napapansin na lagi sitang naka long sleeve o naka jacket. It was so strange, because she have always hated wearing those. 

"Saan ka matutulog?" tanong ni ate.

"Sa kwarto mo, bakit?" I said while answering my homework.

It took her a second to respond. "N-nothing... uhm..." 

I dropped the pen and I looked at her. "Bakit, ate?"

"Ano... may project kasi kami, and... you might not able to sleep kasi naka bukas ang lamp," she sounded hesitant.

I smiled a bit. "Oh, that's okay... I can sleep naman while the lights are on. Besides it's just a lamp." I shrugged.

Ayokong matulog sa kwarto... ever since that night happened, it gives me nightmares whenever I enter on that room. I can't even lay on my bed there. Siguro ang mawawala ang takot ko pag wala na si daddy.

"Lily, makinig kana lang, okay? Also... I wanted to be alone. I need privacy," 

I sighed heavily and nodded. Right... she needs privacy. Its been months since I started sleeping there. Siguro nasasakal na siya dahil wala na siyang privacy dahil sakin.

"Thanks." she smiled. "Akyat na ako, kailangan ko nang simulan 'yon." naglakad siya paalis at narinig kong sinara niya yung pintuan ng kwarto niya.

I pursed my lips and started writing again. Buong gabi ako gumagawa ng assignment dahil natambakan ako ng mga gawain. I finished doing my work at 12:00 am. Nang simulan kong ligpitin ang mga gamit ko, saktong dumating sila mommy and daddy.

Binilisan ko ang pag lagay ng mga gamit ko sa bagpack ko and I started running on my room. Pagkarating ko sa kwarto, I immediately closed the door and locked my room. 

Biglang sumikip ang dibdib ko nang libutin ko ang tingin ko sa loob ng kwarto ko. The nightmare feels like it's getting triggered again. Pakiramdam ko pag humiga ako sa kama ko, some monster creature will appear and kill me.

Inihiga ko ang sarili ko sa sahig and I closed my eyes. Hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog pala ako. I didn't even had a pillow nor blanket. But before I could close my eyes that night, I heard a loud noise, but it only lasted for a second.

Kinaumagahan, nagising akong may kumakatok nang malakas sa kwarto ko. Agad akong bumangon at pinagbuksan ko yong kumakatok. 

"Your sister..." 

Nanlaki ang mata ko at biglang sumakit ang dibdib ko, struggling to breathe. Pakiramdam ko umiikot ang paningin ko, my vision was hazy... I can't even understand what was my mother saying matapos niyang sabihin 'yon.

Bakit... ate? 

Bakit...

Naglakad ako nang mabilis pababa nang marinig ko ang ambulansya paalis na, I ran outside with barefoot. Nang matanaw ko ang ambulansya, my tears started to fall on the ground.

"Ate..." mabilis akong lumapit sakanila.

Kitang kita ko sa dalawang mata ko na hindi na humihinga si ate. She looked so pale, and she looked so tired, kitang-kita kahit naka pikit ang mga mata niya.

"No... no... no!" napaluhod ako and I started screaming at the top of my lungs. 

"Ma'am-"

"No!" I started shaking the emt bed where her body rests until my father yelled at me to stop. But I didn't listen...I can't let go of her... she's the only one I have...

"M-ma'am, we have to-"

I screamed once again... my father carried the s**t out of me para makalayo ako sa emt bed. I tried to let go... I tried to fight just to be with her on her side forever. But the monster creature kept pulling my feet so I won't be able to save her.

"Bitawan mo'ko!" the monster let go of me when they are gone. I heard my dad started walking away. "Why?" I said while I was sitting on the floor, full of tears and anger.

"Why wouldn't you just let me go, dad?!" I stood up to face him. "Bakit?! Is this all you wanted? To... to... to let her go because you never cared about her?!" I started hitting my chest when I felt pain. I couldn't breathe again.

"It's not what you think, Lei." he said in a monotone.

"Then what?!" I kneeled down as I start hitting the ground, letting myself get hurt.

"I-I didn't know... okay?! No one knew that she was gonna do this!" he yelled. "And what about you?! Maybe you knew since you two were close! Maybe she gave you signs but you didn't stopped her because you're a selfish b***h! You never cared about your sister ever since, Lilian."

I subconciously stopped what I was doing when I heard what he said. 

"Maybe she gave you signs but you didn't stopped her because you're a selfish b***h!"

"Maybe she gave you signs but you didn't stopped her because you're a selfish b***h!"

"Maybe she gave you signs but you didn't stopped her because you're a selfish b***h!"

Oh yeah... she did.

"Do you think when you rest on your grave will give you peace?" she asked. 

Agad akong napatingin sakaniya. "No." 

"How so?" she chuckled.

"I don't know, ate. I just know there will be no peace if you tried to escape your problems on purpose. It would be better if you will face your problems bravely until you end it... and after that, maybe that's what you will call peace." I shrugged. 

I don't even know what I'm saying. I guess she's right, I am too young to understand the purpose of death and living. 

It's been a week when my sister died. I never went out to my room, I haven't went to school for weeks either. 

Her death changed my whole life.

Her death presence changed my whole life.

I can feel that I'm slowly turning into a different person. The old me... left my body ever since she passed away. But I guess it's for good, so the old me will be right her side on her grave forever. 

But the new me was the worse. I became numb, I feel like I've lost my mind, and I feel like I'm a different person between everyone. I even forgot what happiness and love is. 

My life became more dull and colorless. The darkness gave me so much comfort rather than the brightness. Darkness was there for me. Darkness was there to comfort me whenever I cry, hurting myself, and blaming myself on my sister's death.

Yeah... she did gave me a sign. I hate myself for not noticing that it was a sign. I hate for being innocent because I was young. I hate myself for not forcing her to sleep on her room that night. And lastly, I f*****g blame myself for ignoring that noise before I could close my eyes.

Kinabukasan, my mom and dad was at the cemetary. I never planned going there or even going to her funeral. I'm not ready... I can't face her. I couldn't look at her coffin and seeing her body laying there. 

When ate Aliyah died, my mom locked her room. I caught her locking her room that day and I saw where she hid the key. Kinuha ko 'yong susi at binuksan ko yong kwarto niya, at marahan akong pumasok sa loob. 

Wala sa sarili akong napa luhod. Humagulhol ako nang humagulhol hanggang sa hindi ako makahinga.

"Ate... bakit..." 

"Why... would you leave me?"

"Why... would you do this?"

"You promised... you f*****g promised me that you will never leave me. You... you... even told me we will run away together and live near the paris once we grow up..." 

Mag lalakad na sana ako paalis nang may nakita akong papel sa sahig. It was a folded white paper. Binuksan ko yong papel, and I started crying even more louder when I started reading the letter

Dear: Lily aka my dear sister

I know you will probably hate me for doing this, I know you will tell how much selfish i am for ending my life. All I wanted to say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you there all alone. I'm sorry i didn't keep my promise. I'm such a terrible sister. I guess i got tired for keeping myself up, showing that i'm strong and enthusiastic. Our parents made me feel useless and my presence isn't vulnerable for them. Our dad, he harrassed me while you were away. It was 3pm that day. I've never felt so much traumatized when he did that to me. He told me that he will kill me if i won't follow his orders, he even told me he will kill you or do something worse. That's why I let myself get harrassed by that bastard because i don't want you to experience the same. And our mom, she abused me until i beg infront of her for mercy. After that day, i couldn't sleep anymore. All i do was crying every night and hurting myself, because that's how i can express the pain and anger i've been carrying on. I wanted to tell you, i wanted to cry on your shoulders but i realized you're are too young to understand all these, Lily. You're suppose to enjoy and feel the joy while you're still a kid. To be honest, before i hang myself, you made me realized when you said, death won't give me peace if i end it intentionally. But i had no choice... i was already on the edge though, you know? Don't worry... i know you're a strong person, i believe in you, okay? i know you can get through this. and our plans in the future, just do it alone. go on without me, okay? forget me, and don't miss me. i know you're crying while reading this letter, but don't. crying makes you ugly! so stop crying, wipe your tears and face it when you grow up. 

I love you and goodbye. 

Love, Aliyah Eve.

Ps: there was a video of us, watch it and keep it. i love you :)

"Ateee! nag s-start na yong video oh! Dali na!" 

"Ito na, sandali! Ano ba kakantahin?!" 

"When you're gone by Avril! Diba sabi mo 'yon?! Tara na!" 

"Okay fine! 1... 2... 3... start!"

"I always needed time on my own... I never thought I'd need you there when I cry... and the days feel like years when I'm alone... and the bed where you lie is made up on your side." I sang.

"When you walk away I count the steps that you take... Do you see how much I need you right now? When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missin' you... When you're gone." she sang while playing the ukelele. 

"The face I came to know is missin', too... When you're gone the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay... I miss you."

"I've never felt this way before everything that I do reminds me of you... and the clothes you left, they lie on the floor and they smell just like you... I love the things that you do."

"When you walk away I count the steps that you take... Do you see how much I need you right now? When you're gone. The pieces of my heart are missin' you. When you're gone..."

"The face I came to know is missin', too. When you're gone the words I need to hear to always get me through the day... and make it okay, I miss you."

"We were made for each other. out here forever. I know we were. Yeah, yeah. And all I ever wanted was for you to know... everything I do, I give my heart and soul, I can hardly breathe; I need to feel you here with me... Yeah."

"When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missin' you. When you're gone the face I came to know is missin', too. When you're gone..."

"The words I need to hear will always get me through the day and make it okay, I miss you."

Author's note:

Remember, ending your life is not the solution to escape your conflicts on your life, love. 

If you are struggling on depression, anxiety, eating disorder, s*x harrassment, or abuse or someone you know, make an action! I know it's not easy to say it out loud because you might think people will judge you or no one will believe you, please try to think it's for yourself and safety. 

Hotline for suicide prevention:

0966-351-4518

You're not alone. If you're struggling any of these, message me. I'm here for you. 

Thank you for reading; honestly, it was hard for me while I was writing this chapter.