Started with Goodbye

Chapter 12

“I like you, Asher, that’s why I am running away from you.” Right after I said that, I saw tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes. I saw how an emotion was seen in his eyes, but suddenly it was gone, so I continued to tell him what I truly feels as I looked down on my lap. “I was afraid that you will reject me. I was scared that someone might leave me again if I tell them what I felt for them.” I looked at him as I tried my best to stop my voice from trembling. “I was afraid to lose what we have because of what I feel for you, Asher.”

I did not look at him, afraid of what emotion I could see on his eyes. Afraid that I would be rejected by him, by the only man that I became so comfortable with. The only man I became so close with. The only man that I managed to feel this emotion called love. The only man who made me feel something like this, even though we just met.

“I was afraid that everything will change if I will confess to you,” I told him and I laughed as if I said something so ridiculous. “To be honest, I was still afraid right now because I am still not sure if this is the right thing to do, because I do not know if you feel the same or not.”

“Hera,” he called my name, but I still did not dare to look at him. Instead, I looked up at the ceiling of that cafe as I laughed again.

I tried to hold back the tears that were about to fall from my eyes, and I did not want him to see me crying because of this. I did not want to embarrass myself any longer because I guess that all my strength was already gone just because I confessed to him.

“I still did not know when did it all start, I did not know when you became a person that made me feel this way. I did not know when did it happen,” I told him as I finally looked at his direction, and I saw that he too was holding back his tears of a reason that I did not really know. I did not think about it anymore, as I continued to tell him, “All I know is that I like you, Asher. I like you so much that it almost hurts me in the process of thinking about.”

He looks taken aback as soon as I said that. As if he was trying to figure out what I just said. As if he did not heard it, clearly, that made him confused, and at the same time shock. It seems like he was thinking about what I just said, but it also seems as if it was more than that. And I could say that because of the shock expression on his face.

Just like what I did earlier, I did not think about it anymore as I started to talk to him again, or should I say, I was just telling him what was on my mind, and I did not even know if this was the right thing to do or not. All I have in my mind right now was that I knew that I needed to tell him. Even though I was still having a second thought, I still needed to tell him everything. He needed to know the truth about my feelings.

After all, I knew how much it hurts for a person to be kept in the dark. To keep a secret that they deserves to know. I know the pain that a person would feel if they found it out too late. If they managed to find the truth all by themselves.

Also, I thought that it would be best for me, for the both of us, so that my heart would be at ease, so that I could finally let those thoughts out of my mind. Or so I thought I could really remove it on my mind, because I think that I still needed to think about it as soon as this talk would be done, as soon as I step inside my home.

“Maybe, it all begins the first time that I managed to talk with you, or maybe, it all started the moment that I think that I became so comfortable with,” I told him as I looked at nothing in particular, and as a smile started to form on my lips. “Or maybe, I started to fall for you without me knowing anything, and I just did not notice it until the moment we went to the exhibit together.”

I looked at him with a small smile on my face, but I could see that he was somehow confused on what I was saying. Though his expression became neutral as soon as he realized that I was looking at him, and that, alone, made me feel a slight pain on my chest.

“I did not know where it all begins,” I told to him, again, as I did not look away from him. “But all I know is that I do not want this feelings to fade. I do not want us to fall apart. I do not want anything to change for the both of us.”

I smiled to him again, and this time, I could not stop my tears from falling in my eyes. The emotion that I was feeling right now was too much, and everything that was happening was too much, that’s why I could not stop my tears from falling anymore. My emotion got better of me, and I knew that he became shock because of that.

“I wanted to be selfish, even though I do not know what you feel for me,” I said to him as I wiped the tears off my cheeks. “I wanted the both of us to be the same as before, but I guess that would never happen because of this st*pid feelings of mine.” I grabbed my bag, tightly, as I started to stand up that made him snap out of his shock. “That’s why, I am sorry, Asher, that I became selfish and I fell for you.”

“Hera...” I know that he was about to say something to me, but I did not dare to hear about it anymore.

I just grabbed my bag and started to walk away from him without even looking back. I could hear him calling my name, but I did not stop on my tracks. Instead, I just walked faster than I ever was, earlier, until I was running on the streets.

I did not pay any attention on the onlookers anymore, and I did not pay any more attention at Asher, who was running behind me, still calling my name, and it seems like he wanted to reach me, but I did not let him any longer.

I continued to run, and I did not pay any attention at my surroundings anymore, as I was trying to wipe away all my tears, but I was failing miserably. I could still hear Asher as he was calling my name, but I did not bother to look at him anymore.

I just continued to run, just like the coward that I am, until I reached the building where my apartment was located. The people inside and outside of that building was confused as to why I was out of breath, and why I was crying, but just like what I did before, I did not pay attention on them anymore.

“Hera!” I heard Asher called my name again the moment that I step inside our building.

That was the only moment that I looked at his direction, and I could see that he was trying to get inside of the building, but the guards were not letting him to do so. He was forcing himself inside, but the guards on the entrance of the building were not letting him, because that was the protocol inside.

“I’m sorry, Asher,” I whispered to myself, and I started to turn my back at him again, but I stopped because of what I heard from him next.

“Let me talk to you. Please,” he pleaded to me, but I did not dare to look at him anymore because I knew that I would just agree with him. “Just this once. Please. Hera, let me clear things out! Let me tell you everything that I wanted to tell you! Please!”

I could hear what he was saying, but I choose to ignore it. I continued to walk inside the building and my heart almost ached because of what he said next.

“Is this it? Are we really going to part ways just like this? Hera?” he asked in a loud voice that made me hear him clearly. “But I choose not to give up. I choose not to let you go. I choose to stay. Do you hear me, Hera?” he asked me again that made me clench my fist. “I will stay here all night long. I will stay here until you decided to talk to me, and I will never leave, not until you and I will talk about everything.”

I did not look at his direction anymore as I clenched my fist and started to go inside of the elevator that would lead me on our apartment. I did not bother to listen to what the others were saying inside the elevator, that I knew that they witnessed what just happened earlier. I just continued to stand and wait for the elevator to open so that I could finally go inside my apartment.

And as soon as it did, I immediately went on our apartment, entered the passcode, and that was only the time that I let myself to sob away the pain. That was only the time that I let myself drown on my thoughts, and that was the time that I blamed myself for what just happened earlier on the cafe.

Now that I was all alone, I think that it was not right for me to confess to him. I think that the timing was off, and I let my emotion got better of me, but I could not do anything about it anymore but to blame myself.

I should not have let myself confess to him. I should not have let myself tell him everything that I felt for him. I should not have let myself tell him what was on my mind, and I should have thought about it before I let myself speak to him.

Then, everything would be alright right now. He would not be outside of the building, waiting for me to go out and agree to talk to him again. He would not have suffered because of me, and he would not have to embarrass himself in front of everyone just because he wanted to talk to me. He would not have to experience this kind of thing just because of me.

I continued to sob and cry inside for who knows how many minutes, or maybe hours, until I heard the door of our apartment opened and shut again, and I knew that it was Aiden who got inside. I did not have to look at her anymore because I knew that she was the only person who could get inside of our apartment.

“I heard from our neighbor earlier that there was a drama on the entrance of the building almost an hour ago,” she told me and I knew that she knows that I was involved with that ‘drama.’ “And that explains why there is a man outside of the apartment, sitting on the stairs as if the world had meets its end.”

I heard her sighed, as I continued to sit on the floors while I hugged both of my knees. I also heard that she was walking until she reached the area on where I was sitting, and that was the time that I saw her sit in front of me, wearing an expression that was rear to see on her face.

“Is that Asher? The one who was outside of the building I mean,” she asked me with a serious tone on her voice, but I just looked away from her and did not answer it. I heard her sighed again and I saw on my peripheral vision that she crossed her arms under her chest. “Didn’t I told you that you should confess to him?”

“I did,” I told her, almost a whisper.

She sighed for the third time that day as if she was disappointed with what happened. “Did you get rejected?” she asked me, again, but I did not dare to answer her question. “Or did you run away from him without even knowing what he would say? Just like you always did in the past.”

I stayed silent right after she asked me that, because she just hit a nerve. After all, it was the truth. I just walked away from him, without even knowing what he felt about it, what he felt towards me, and I did not even gave him a chance to talk to me again.

“Did I get it right?” she asked me again, but still, I did not answer her question. “Did you really just walked away from him without even hearing his side? Did you really just run away from him without letting him talk to you?”

My lips trembled as I told her, “I got scared.” A tear fell from my eyes again that made her look at me in shock. “My mind started to think of negative thoughts again, and I got overwhelmed with emotion and I did not know what to do anymore, so I just run away from him.”

“Hera!” she shouted at me that made me look at her in shock. She even started to grab my shoulder and started shaking me. “Do you intend on running away forever? Do you intend on not solving your problems and just let it everything that had happened between the two of you go to waste? Do you really intend to keep on living like this?”

“But what should I do?” I screamed at her that made her taken aback. “What should I do when all I have in my mind was what if he did not feel the same way as mine? What if he would not look at me the same way as before? What if everything between the two of us would fall apart?” I looked at Aiden with my tear stained cheeks. “Don’t you know how scary it is, Aiden?”

“Then, do you really think that everything would go back to normal right now? Do you really think that everything would be the same as before when you are acting like this?” She shook my shoulders again as if she was trying to wake me up. “Wake up, Hera! Wake up! Because everything that you thought of had happened because you are a coward! Everything that you have been scared of had happened because you let your fears got better of you!”

“Then, what should I do?” I looked at her, and tears started to fall from my eyes. “What should I do when everything got f*cked up because of me? What should I do now, Aiden?”

Aiden looked at me with a serious expression on her face, as she said, “Talk to him, Hera.” She held my shoulders, tightly, that made me focus my gaze on her. “That was the only thing that you can do right now. That was the only thing that could save everything and in order for the both of you to go back to the way you are.”

“Do not ever run away, Hera.”