LOVE ME, HEAL ME

CHAPTER 08

08 — First Day 

I woke up long before my alarm would do that for me. The sun was still sleeping when I decided to have a morning breath on the balcony.

It was peaceful here. Its peace gives placidity that I could wake up without heaviness in my heart due to problems I am carrying in my life.

Porto Cervo reminds me of the tranquility I crave in a faraway paradise. The grayish sky is fading as the sun is finally spreading its rays. I leaned on the steel bar and appreciated the beauty of the cerulean sky.

Nakakapanibago na ito ang nakikita ko sa umaga. Nasanay kasi ako na maaga akong gumigising para maging aligaga sa paghahanda sa trabaho. I couldn't even have time to appreciate another day with nature dahil nasa magulong compound kami nakatira ni Deshya noon. Pagbukas mo ng bintana ay maingay na kapitbahay agad ang maririnig at ang mga dikit-dikit na bahay ang makikita ko.

Kung mabait lang sa akin ang amo ko ngayon, sobra kong mai-enjoy dito. Suwerte na akong maituturi dahil nakapunta ako dito at may malayang prebilehiyo na paasdan ang isa sa mga magagandang isla dito sa Italy.

The sun finally set perfectly in the sky. Napangiti ako at nagdasal ng pasasalamat sa Panginoon para sa panibagong araw na ito. I also include my cousin, who is in the hospital right now for her fast recovery and, of course, asking for a little courage and patience as I start my work today.

Ayaw ko pa sanang bumalik sa loob pero kailangan. Inihanda ko muna ang scrub suit ko at mga gamit ko bago nagpunta sa banyo para maligo. Tumagal ng twenty minutes ang paliligo ko.

I went straight to the kitchen. I'll be the one to prepare Lyam's meal every day since I'm the one who had planned his diet meals. Nagkausap naman na kami ni Xerma tungkol sa bagay na ito kaya okay na ang lahat.

Magluluto ako ng pan-seared salmon with avocado salsa saka butter-garlic rice. I get some pomegranate and cut it in half. I turned on the blender and went to the refrigerator to get a thick vanilla ice cream. I will be making a pomegranate smoothie.

"Good morning Madam Zoey," Bati ni Xerma sa akin nang madatnan niya ako rito sa kusina.

I smiled and greeted her back. "Zoey nalang. Lakas maka-donya ang Madam!"

"Sorry Madam, sumusunod lang ako sa utos ni Lord Yvann." Nag-aalangan siyang ngumiti sa akin.

Napairap nalang ako. Dinamay pa ako sa mayamang protocol na yan, hindi naman ako mayaman. Suwerte na ngang makakain ako ng lechon ng tatlong beses sa isang buwan.

"Wala naman siya dito kaya puwede mo akong tawagin sa pangalan ko." Pahabol ko pa.

Wala namang nagawa si Xerma at sumang-ayon na rin siya. Habang nag-aayos siya ng mesa ay nagkuwentuhan kami. She was actually a nurse back in Italy before she transferred here.

Kinuha ko rin ang pagkakataon na ito para magtanong nang kaunti tungkol kay Lyam. Sabi ni Xerma ay hindi niya masyadong kilala si Lyam at halos tatlong buwan pa simula nang malipat siya dito ng biglaan nang malaman niya na si Lyam ang inaalagaan niya at buhay ito. Mahigpit na pinagbabawal ni Yvann na lumabas ang tungkol sa totoong sitwasyon ni Lyam kaya dalawa lang sila ni Juancho ang nandito bago ako dumating.

My curiosity grew when I remember the heated conversation between my cousin and him the day I arrived here. They are talking about justice and secrets.

Para kanino yung hustisya? Bakit parang ganun nalang kalalim yung usapan nila na para bang may pinaghahandaan silang laban.

"Xerma, pwede magtanong?"

Natigil siya saglit sa paglilinis ng mesa at binalingan ako. "Ano po yun?"

I took a deep breath. I hope it won't be a mess to ask. May gusto lang naman akong malaman. I smiled at her.

"Narinig ko kasi noong nakaraan na nagbangayan si Yvann at Sir Lyam, and they mentioned justice..." I wasn't able to continue when I saw an unexpected man in his wheelchair moving towards us.

He has the same cold expression he wears every day since I came here. Pero napansin ko na nakasuot siya ng board short at sando. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang humanga sa built ng katawan niya. Given that he was comatose for almost five years, his biceps are well-toned, bulky, and hard. His chest is showcasing proper built too.

"The sun just greeted good morning, and here you are chitchatting instead of working."

My fleek brows suddenly arched. Sinalubong niya ang aking nagtatakang tingin saka binalingan si Xerma. The latter excused herself and left the dining area.

"What are you trying to imply, Sir?" I asked him politely.

Last night, I prepared myself for this. Even if he is the evilest and heartless person I've ever met, I need to act professionally in front of him. I don't want my personal grudge on him for behavior will determine my attitude towards work.

"Ang aga aga ay tsimis na agad ang inaatupag mo." He bluntly replied.

"Excuse m-me?"

Napakurap naman ako sa sinabi niya. Hindi naman ako makapaniwala na sinabi niya iyon sa akin at parang kasalanan ko pa na nadatnan niya akong kausap si Xerma habang naghahanda ng pagkain niya.

He thinks that what I did here is a non-stop grapevine chat. He is so unbelievable!

Nakita ko siyang napailing at saka tinignan ako na parang isang walang kwentang tao. Hindi ako makapaniwala. Ang aga naming nasira ang araw ko.

Agad siyang umalis sa harapan ko at nagtungo sa hapag. Ako naman ay napamura ng mahina dahil sa ugaling pinakita niya sa akin ngayon. Mukhang tatlong buwan kong titiisin ang pagiging brat ng isang ito.

I heard him calling Xerma. Sakto naman na natapos ko nang ihanda ang kanyang almusal kaya naman sinenyasan ko na si Xerma na ako na ang bahala. Tumango ito at bumalik na doon sa kung saan siya nanggaling.

I walked with grace and confidence while holding a tray of his sunshine meal. I will never let him defeat me through his manner. Maldita rin naman ako at iyon ang ipapakita ko sa kanya ngayon in a professional way.

"Here's your meal for this morning, Sir." I put down the tray. "I personally prepared this for you as a start of your rehab."

Kahit naiinis ako ay hindi ko pinahalata sa kanya iyon. I put the sweetest fake smile on my face while facing him. Tae ang sarap mong buhusan ng smoothie!

He looked at the food like he was scanning it to its fiber, seeking poison. Kahit na gusto ko na siyang lasunin ay hindi naman ako ganun kasama. I'm a maldita with a heart.

"Gusto ko ring humingi ng tawad sa nakita mo kaninang pag-uusap namin ni Xerma at sa pag-aakalang nakikipag-tsismisan ako sa kanya. Nagtatanong lang ako ng mga nakaugalian mong pagkain simula ng magising ka sa comatose..."

"I'm not asking for some crummy explanation," Bored niyang sagot.

Okay. I'm still okay. Na-reset ko na sa zero yung pasensya meter ko kaya kaya ko pang pakisamahan itong bugok na ito for the rest of the day.

"No, Sir. Kahit hindi niyo po hingiin o itanong ang paliwanag ko ay iyon pa rin ang gagawin ko bilang depensa na rin sa sarili ko. Propesyonal po akong tao at may inaalagaang kridibilidad. I don't want misunderstandings that might lead to unwanted conflict just because I choose to keep my mouth shut to explain my side for a situation that you misinterpret." Mahabang paliwanag ko na siyang kinataas ng kilay niya.

He was about to hold the spoon when he heard me say that. He lifted his head to gaze at me in the coldest manner he can. I can feel the slow chills on my spine, but I never let him see my panic.

I suddenly covered my wrist when his eyes went there. Damnit! I forgot to wear my watch.

My panic upbeat when he had this questioning look for my sudden action. Itinago ko nalang ang mga kamay ko sa aking likod at patay malisyang ngumiti.

Those fine white lines in my wrist are a bit noticeable, which is why I have bling-bling in my wrist. Sadyang nagmamadali lang ako kanina na hindi ko naisuot ang mga iyon para takpan ang mga marka ng sugat ng aking nakaraan.

I'm not too fond of the look I got from him.

"You look like you are miles away," Puna niya sakin.

I stop from fiddling with my fingers behind my back and faced him with my features blank.

"Po?"

I don't know what's happening to me. Sa tuwing magtatama ang aming mga tingin ay para akong nawawala sa sarili ko. I can't even come up with a nice reply to his queries or banter.

"You're like a lost kid Miss Imperial."

He continued to hold his gaze on me. I forced myself to keep still, not to fidget or shift in another movement. But sad to say, the tension between us makes my neck and shoulder ache, and I could feel a nuisance starting at the back of my eyes.

I couldn't stand it. Humugot ako ng malalim na paghinga. "Excuse me, and I'll just go to the comfort room,"

Hindi ko na siya hinintay na magsalita at agad akong tumalikod at tinungo ang pinakamalapit na banyo. I locked the door and confronted myself in front of a wide vanity mirror.

My external scars were nothing to what I kept from the inside. I don't want to think of myself as a victim but rather a survivor, but there were days where my nightmare of what happened a year ago knocked me up in a sharp stab of memory that forever pierced the sheath I had built around myself.

Until now, my soul was still bleeding, drop by drop, until one day there would nothing left, and I am lifeless.

I let out a harsh breath in a stuttered stream. I once took a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and flinched. Wala sa sariling napahawak ako sa faucet at pinadaloy ang tubig doon. I dreamingly washed my face and trying to recognize myself again.

Ang dami na palang nagbago sa akin simula nang magsunod-sunod ang trahedya sa buhay ko. Hindi na ako yung masayahin at happy-go-lucky na Zoey noon. Now, I am more of a very mature Zoey no one ever expected. Tila ba hindi na applicable sa buhay ko ang maging masaya. Yung parang nasanay na yung sarili ko sa hirap at problema.

Alam ko na malulungkot si Mama kapag nakikita niya ang sitwasyon ko ngayon. Kung nabubuhay pa siya, baka nga kahit may sakit pa siya'y iindahin niya wag' lang ako mag-isa sa buhay. My Mom is my only savior, my protector and my cheerleader. Noong mawala siya, kalahati ng buhay ko ang nawala rin.

Masyadong malaki ang naging impact ng nakaraan ko sa kung ano ang naging buhay ko ngayon lalo na sa pananaw ko sa mga lalaki at pakikitungo ko sa kanila. Isang himala lang na natagalan ko ng tatlong araw na makasama sa isang bahay si Lyam.

When I'm done with my little alone moment, I decided to go back into the dining. The silence of this whole Villa is therapeutic. If only I have money to own a place like this, maybe I recovered from my mental breakdown a long time ago.

"Nasa gym si Sir Lyam, Maam Zoey." Salubong sa akin ni Xerma na ngayon ay nililigpit ang pinagkainan ni Lyam.

"Oh..." Napatingin ako sa plato. "Naubos niya ba?" I asked. She nodded.

"First time in history." Then she had a quirky smile.

Should I be feel flattered now? Is that how wasted his life since he came back that even on food he doesn't have any appetite? Napailing nalang ako sa naiisip. Nagsalita pa ulit si Xerma at sinabi sa akin na ito rin ang unang pagkakataon na kumain ng almusal iyon at hindi uminom ng alak sa umagang tapat. Mukhang hindi naman sukudulan ang kasamaan ng lalaking iyon. Tipid lang akong ngumiti saka nagpaalam. Tinungo ko ang gym para makapagsimula na rin ng aming Rehab session.

Hanggang ngayon ay iniisip ko pa rin kung bakit biglang umiba ang ihip ng hangin sa utak ng Lyam na iyon at nabigyian akon ng trial period sa serbisyo ko. Natigil ako sa paghakbang papasok sa gym nang mamataan ko siyang tila may pinagkakaabalahan.

I lean a bit to see if what he is doing right now, and I was surprised by what I saw. Nakatutok siya sa monitor ng TV na nasa harapan anf from there I saw a news. A lovely couple who just announced their love in the whole world.

Napasandal ako sa pintuan habang masayang nakikinuod sa balita. Despite the world's cruelty, love always prevails. Love always conquers two people who choose to fight for it.

I was about to say something when the TV went off. Sunod ko nalang na narinig ay ang mahinang pagbagsak ng remote control sa sahig na tila sinadya ang pagkahulog nito. I saw Lyam's hand screaming in anger when it turns into a ball. I even heard him cursing in thin air, making me so curious about his behavior.

Ngayon ko lang siyang nakitang ganito magalit over something. Iba yung galit niya. Iba yung pulso ng pagkakakuyom ng kamao niya. Sa tingin ko ay may kinalaman ito sa napanuod niya pero nagtataka ako kung ano ang kaugnayan niya sa magkasintahan na iyon. I don't judge right away pero sa kilos niya, hindi ko maiwasang mag-conclude na may something.

"Kanina ka pa ba diyan?"

Nabalik ako sa huwisyo nang marinig siyang magsalita. Nakatingin nap ala siya sa akin. Napaayos tuloy ako ng tayo at sinalubong ang malamig niyang tingin.

"Hindi Sir. Kararating ko lang po," Sagot ko.

He didn't response right away. Sa paraan nang pagkakatitig niya sa akin, alam ko na hindi siya naniniwala sa sinabi ko. Agad naman akong umalis sa kinatatayuan ko at humakbang. Sinubukan kong ngumiti pero hindi man lang iyon umabot sa kanya. Well, I guess I need to deal with this icy man starting now.

I draw my attention to my iPad and scan his Rehab plan. I started explaining everything from his meals up to the tiny bits of details that needed to be considered to his mobility.

"Stop talking and do your work," He cut me off and raised his finger to touched the tip of his eyebrow. "I am not here for a seminar lecture Miss," He added.

I stopped right away. Tinalikuran niya ako at pinagalaw ang wheelchair niya papunta sa isang mababang parallel bars. I didn't move, and from where I am, I am waiting for his next move. Hindi siya gumagalaw pero nakita kong akma niyang hahawakan ang malamig na bakal pero hindi niya itinuloy. Somehow, maybe it was new to him. The feeling of finally accepting his fate and the truth that he had to do this even if it is against his will.

On his side view, I saw how his jaw clenched. Ngayon mas napagmasdan ko sa ibang anggulo ang pagiging perpekto niya. His chiseled nose was highlighted, and his thin lips made his feature a bit soft. His jawline and cheekbone scream for the compliment as it gives him a very fictional-handsome male lead look. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang hindi manghinayang.

Kung hindi lang ito saksakan ng kasamaan sa ugali, I would probably admire him.

"Do you actually fantasize about your clients?"

I automatically left mid-air when I heard him say that. I arched my brow for that question. Nakatitig nap ala siya sa akin at ngayon ay nakangisi. That smirk is devilish, but I find it erogenous.

The hell with me! He is not fvcking worth my praises.

"Pinagsasabi mo?" I scoffed. Inirapan ko siya bago lumapit. "Hindi ako tomboy!"

Paano ko pagnanasaan ang mga kliyente ko dahil halos lahat sila babae. Mukhang hindi delay din ang pick-up ng utak ng isang to'. Napailing nalang ako nang makita siyang nagtataka at hindi ako nilubayan ng tingin.

"I never had any male clients before you," I put an end to his curiosity.

I put my iPad on the sofa after I made it clear to him. Everything here is complete for his physical rehab. Nice! My cousin is really eager to bring his best friend's mobility back. Mabuti na rin at may malasakit si Yvann dito at baka kapag napagtagumpayan kong mapalakad itong si Lyam ay maging anghel an ito.

Masyado nang mabuhay ang sikat ng araw kahit mag-aalas-otso pa lang. Hindi na ako nag-aksaya ng oras at muli siyang hinarap para simulant ang Rehab niya. I put all the strength I had in me and put away my fears and hesitations as we started.

This kind of change in his life was unimaginable. Para sa isang lalaki na mahilig sa adventure ng buhay at physically active mahirap na isang araw gigisng ka na hindi mo na magagawa ang mga bagay na nakasanayan mo noon.

Palaging mahirap magsimula sa umpisa lalo na kung alam mong masyado na rin metatag ang naipundar mo noon o malayo na rin ang nailaban mo pero sbi nga nila sa bawat pagkakadapa at pagkawala ng mga bagay na inakala mo ay para sa iyo may mga bagong pinto ng pag-asa naman para bagong oportunidad ang maaaring naghihintay sa atin na malay natin, yun ang totoong inilaan sa atin ng Panginoon.

As for Lyam, he needs first to accept his situation. I know it's hard, but that's always the first step. Tested and proven.

Being independent doesn't mean you don't literally need someone's hand. Before we could call ourselves independent, we should always remember that we used to be dependent before, whether from our family, friends, or loved ones.

"Yvann has an exquisite taste for things. You're lucky enough that he bought these for you," Komento ko patungkol sa mga equipment na andito ngayon.

His eyes glinted. "Because he needs me for his own purpose, so he needs the best to make me walk again,"

I don't know exactly to react to what he said, but at the back of my head, his first sentence remains. Bumalik lang sa akin yung mga katanungan ko tungkol sa pinsan ko. I never doubted Yvann and never involve myself in his personal life, but since he pushed me through this deal, I started to have questions for him.

Damn! I shouldn't be a cat right now.

I secretly summoned my professional self, but every time I tried to make a touch on him, I could feel my blush travel to the roots of my hair.

"Do I need to be out of this fvcking chair or not?"

Nabalik kay Lyam ang atensyon ko. "Uhm, maybe pwede kang maupo muna dito sa weight bench. Magsimula muna tayo sa mga light weights at resistance work para hindi ka manibago." Tinuro ko sa kanya yung bench na sinasabi ko. "Do you need some help-"

"No."

That was expected, but until now, I am not used to his mad tone every time I attempt to help him. On the other hand, I felt relief from his rejection because I've been so anxious thinking how might I touch him. I can't even think straight by just thinking how it feels like to have those hard muscles under my hands.

I watched him as he started to try his best to lift his body out of the wheelchair. His muscles in his left arm contracted as he balanced himself. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi mag-alala lalo na at nakikita ko nang nahihirapan siya sa pagtayo. Sa totoo lang, kahit na nag-aalangan ako na mahawakan siya ay hindi ko naman maiwasang hindi siya tulungan.

Lyam's mouth was set in a tight line, his forehead creased in fierce concentration as if he was willing to damage every nerve inside his body to push through his selfish principle. When I saw enough, I took a big step towards him.

Agad ko siyang hinaklit nang marahan at tinulungan na makatayo. I felt his muscle froze upon my touch. Kahit nga ako ay nagulat sa ginawa ko. Nagpatay malisya nalang ako at tinuloy ang pagtulong sa kanya na makatayo at makaupo doon sa weight bench.

When I was about to hold his shoulder, he halted the reason why I was outbalanced. Sa sobrang taranta ko ay napahawak ako sa laylayan ng T-Shirt niya rason naman para mahila ko siya kasabay ng pagbagsak so sa sahig.

Damn it!

I could feel the weight on top of me, but something made me immobilized in fear. My heart strums for fear, and my mind released some memories that triggered the nightfall inside me.

Nagsimula nang manginig ang buong katawan ko kasabay sa aking pagmulat. Tila nga isang pagkakamali na ginawa ko iyon dahil tila nahipnotismo na naman ako sa kulay hazel na pares ng mga matang sobrang lapit kong nasisilayan.

"f**k!" He said while his lips are still on top of my own lips.

It was my first day, and my first kiss too.