Misadventures Of Cassandra Torres

Chapter 07

These past few days, Paul has been texting me all day, visiting me at my department sometimes just because he want us to be together again.

Tulad ngayon, kahit na pinakikita ko naman na sa kaniyang hindi na ako interesado.

"Ano? Ganoon kadali mo na lang itatapon 'yung mahigit tatlong taon?" he shouted at me.

Naglalakad ako papunta ng locker room para iwanan ang mga librong hindi naman kailangan, habang siya ay sinusundan ako. I don't care kahit mag-eskandalo pa siya d'yan. Hindi naman ako ang nagmu-mukhang tanga.

"Paul, remember that it was you who cheated. It was you who wasted our relationship." I calmly said.

"But I've regret everything. I won't be here if I didn't. Cass naman, ako na nga itong naghahabol sa iyo, ayaw mo pa rin?"

Tingnan mo nga naman, siya pa itong mayabang.

Nang makarating kami sa locker room, at nang mailagay ko na ang ilang mga gamit ko sa locker ko ay padarag koi tong sinara bago ko siya hinarap na siyang ikinagulat niya.

"Paul, una sa lahat, hindi ko hiniling sa iyo na balikan mo ako. Pangalawa, ikaw itong nangungulit sa akin na balikan ka, hindi na nga ako nagpapakita at nagpaparamdam sa iyo, hindi ba? Pangatlo, huwag kang magsalita na par bang utang na loob ko pa ang ginagawa mo sa akin ngayon. I don't want someone like you to enter my life again. You've done something destructible to me, do you think, it's that easy for me to forget everything?"

Muli ko siyang tinalikuran upang umalis na, pero sinundan niya ulit ako.

"Ang lakas na ng loob mong pagmalakihan ako, parang hindi ka nagmakaawa sa akin noon, ha?"

"That was the thing I regretted the most, just so you know, Paul."

"Cass ano ba!"

Hinila niya ako sa braso para iharap sa kaniya. Mabilis ko namang inialis ang braso ko sa kaniya.

"Ano ba, ano pa bang kailangan ko, sinabi nang ayaw ko, 'di ba?!" I shouted back.

"Just give me one more chance, I promise to be a good boyfriend. I am sorry for the wrong decision that I made, hindi ko sinasadya. Please, ayokong mawala ka sa akin."

My eyes softened as I heard his last words. Ayokong maniwala, ayoko na.

"Paul, I cannot. I've been getting there. Nakaka-move on na ako, tulungan mo naman ako. 'Wag ka nang magpakita sa akin, please lang. Ayoko na..."

I wanted to cry. Seeing him in from of me, begging for forgiveness is something that I wanted to happen before. I want him to do it for me but, I'm tired. He has caused me too much damage and forgiving him is something I can never do anymore, at least, not now. Not yet.

"Is there someone else?" he asked. I saw the pain in his eyes.

"Wala. Wala ka na rin pakialam kung may iba ako, Paul. Remember that you were with someone for so many times habang tayo pa."

"Cass..."

"Paul, stop. Ayoko na."

He stepped forward me.

"Why? Hindi mo na ba ako mahal?" he asked.

"You were the one who said that first. You were the one who fell out of love."

"I didn't mean it. I just don't know how to react at that situation—"

"A situation where I caught you and my best friend having s*x at that f*****g laboratory room?" I cut him off.

"Cass.. I'm so sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

"Paul, hindi mo lang ako iniwan noon. Inilayo mo pa sa akin ang kaibigan ko. Sinama mo pa sa 'yo. Do you really think it;'s that easy for me to give you another chance?"

His next move made me shock as hell. He grabbed my back and kissed me. I tried to push him; I tried to punch him, but he caught both of my hands, pinned me on the wall, and started kissing me more aggressively.

"Paul—"

He never gave me the chance to talk.

He won't let go of my hands, especially my lips. I can feel his longing from his kisses.

And I can't stop myself from kissing him back, because I still do love him.

But when I realized everything, I gathered all my strength to push him away.

"What the f**k?" he said.

"I told you, you'll never get me with your kisses anymore!"

"You just kissed back! That's a clear explanation that you still love me!"

"Wala akong pakialam, Paul! Ang gusto ko, lumayo ka na. Iwanan mo na ako tulad ng pag-iwan mo sa akin noon. Huwag ka nang babalik, Paul. Ayoko na, please. Nagmamakaawa ako sa 'yo, 'wag ka nang magpapakita sa akin. Please lang, ayoko na."

Napaupo ako sa sahig habang umiiyak nang malakas. Hindi ko alam kung bakit umiiyak ako nang ganito dahil lang hibnalikan ko pabalik si Paul. But doing so, feels like I've turned my back on my promises to my family that I will never let him get me again.

Feeling ko, binale-wala ko na naman sila. Feeling ko, bumabalik na naman ako sa dating ako, na nagpapakatanga para sa taong walang ginawa kung hindi ang lokohin ako.

Kuya, I'm so sorry.

Mom, Dad, I just kissed the lips of the person who hurt me, again. I'm so sorry, I promise I'll never let him do that to me again.

I promise I'll never make him feel that he got me again.

_____

Is it wrong to continue hoping that he'll text me?

Is it so wrong to continue hoping that we'll be friends?

It's been almost a week, and I received no texts from him. Even a single hi, or even a blank message, nothing.

Sabagay. Hindi naman niya hiniling na kuhanin ang number ko. I don't even know why I gave it to him. Puwede ko namang hingiin at ako na lang ang mag-text sa kaniya, 'di ba?

Pero bakit ko nga ba ginawa 'yon? Siguro, ayaw niya nang maging kaibigan ako o mas makilala pa ako kaya hindi niya pa rin akotine-text o tinatawagan hanggang ngayon.

Maybe he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore.

Maybe I'm only bothering him, and his paranoid girlfriend.

I heaved a sigh. I shouldn't have done that. Why am I only realizing this just now?

___

When tomorrow comes, I've decided to talk to him.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagkakaganito ako dahil lang hindi ako t-in-ext noong tao. I was never this dramatic over little things. Hindi ako pumasok sa last subject ko para lang pumunta sa department nila.

Like the usual, nagtanong-tanong ako sa mga tao kung ano ang block ni Ford nang sa ganoon ay alam ko kung saan ko siya hihintayin. Nang malaman ko na nasa first floor lang pala ang klase niya ng oras na ito ay nanatili na lang ako sa kinatatayuan ko at tahimik na naghintay sa kaniya.

Few minutes later, I heard his voice.

"Timmy, anong ginagawa mo dito?"

I looked up at him and saw that he was walking towards me. I smiled a little.

"Isang linggo akong naghihintay sa 'yo, sabi mo ite-text mo ako."

Nakita ko ang gulat sa kaniya, na para bang nakalimutan niya ang bagay na iyon at ngayon lang naalala kung kailang naitanong ko na sa kaniya.

"Sorry, nabura kasi—"

Again, I smiled timidly.

"Okay lang, wala naman akong karapatang mag-demand. Inaasahan ko na naman nang hindi matutupad 'yung pangako na 'yon. I've encountered so many broken promises, wala na lang sa akin 'yung sa 'yo." My heart aches as I smiled at him again. "Gusto ko lang magpaalam sa 'yo kaya ako pumunta dito."

I saw his forehead creased.

"Magpaalam? Bakit?"

"Baka kasi nakakadagdag na ako sa sakit ng ulo mo. Alam ko rin na ayaw sa akin ng girlfriend mo. Kaya, 'di ko na ulit sasabihin sa 'yo 'yung lagi kong sinasabi sa tuwing aalis ka na."

He didn't answer; he remained silent as he continue to listen to every words I say.

"Hindi ko na ulit itatanong sa 'yo na, 'magkikita pa naman tayo, 'di ba', kasi feeling ko hindi tama. May nagagalit kasi sa hindi tamang dahilan. Dapat na sigurong itigil. 'Wag kang mag-alala, ito na ang huling beses na magpapakita ako sa 'yo. Hindi ko na ulit sasadyain ang makita ka. Hindi na ulit ako maghihintay sa 'yo. Last na to. Pasensiya na sa abala."

Sending someone off has been the thing I hated the most. I've done this a lot of times, whenever my Dad will fly to abroad for his work when he used to work there. It has always been so hard for me. At kahit na madalas kong gawin, hindi pa rin ako nasasanay. Ang sakit-sakit pa rin.

Muli ay ngumiti ako sa kaniya bago ko siya tinalikuran at naglakad paalis. Bahagya pa lang akong nakakalayo sa kaniya nang magsalita siya.

"Sandali..."

I looked at him. "Ano 'yun?"

"G-Gusto mo bang kumain?"

My lips suddenly turned into little curve without my knowledge.

Lord, ano na naman ba ito? Sabi ko naman sa inyo, tama na...