What Lies Within Her

Chapter 25: Moving On

Reese's POV

"Why did you follow me?" inis kong tanong at hinila ko 'yong braso ko palayo sa kaniya. Damn it. I feel so bad about this, and now he's making me feel worse. Alam kong kasalanan ko 'to kaya lalo akong naiinis kasi hindi ko na mapigilan 'yong nararamdaman ko.

"I followed you because you run away," sarkastiko niyang tanong kaya sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. Ni wala na nga akong mukhang maihaharap sa kaniya tapos ito siya ngayon, sinundan pa talaga ako.

"Bumalik ka na sa loob." Tinulak ko siya pero hinawakan niya lang 'yong kamay ko at hinila ako palapit sa kaniya. "Gideon, ano ba--"

"Just for once, Reese. Can't you just be honest about how you feel?" seryoso niyang tanong. Tangina. I want to be honest. That's all I want to do, pero hindi ganoon kadali. Sobra akong nasaktan at pakiramdam ko, kapag nasaktan pa ulit ako nang ganoon ay hindi ko na kakayanin pa. Hindi ko kayang masaktan nang ganoon.

Alam kong hindi ko dapat pangunahan 'yong mangyayari, pero kapag naiisip ko na puwedeng maulit 'yong nangyari dati, parang ayaw ko na magmahal ulit. Gusto ko na lang mapag-isa dahil natatakot akong masaktan na naman. Nakapapagod na.

"What are you so afraid of, Reese?" ani Gideon kaya napatingala ako sa kaniya at tumulo na 'yong luha galing sa mata ko na kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

"You." Natahimik siya at tumingin lang sa akin. I hate that he's seeing this weak side of me. I don't want anyone to see me this vulnerable yet Gideon is staring at me while I'm crying. Why does everything in my life keep on messing up? Gusto ko lang naman maging maayos, e. Bakit parang bawal?

"Me? Why me?" naguguluhan niyang tanong.

"Because you make me this vulnerable. I don't want this. I want this to stop because I saw myself this vulnerable before and I didn't like how it ended," inis kong sabi pero parang wala siyang naririnig dahil lalo lang siyang lumapit sa akin. "Gideon, stop!"

"Well, that's what defines love, Reese. You pour, you become weak, you will feel vulnerable, you will become someone who just wants to give. And guess what? I will never get tired of feeling that way if it means having you with me," he uttered that made me cry even more.

Why is he like this? Bakit ako pa? He's too much for me, ni wala nga akong kayang ibigay sa kaniya pero bakit gusto niya pa rin ako? Patuloy siyang nahihirapan at nasasaktan dahil sa akin, pero bakit parang wala lang sa akin 'yon.

"Bumalik ka na sa loob, Gideon. Look at me, I have nothing to give you. Samantalang si Samantha? She has everything and most of all, she likes you. Stop wasting your time with someone like me." Maglalakad na sana ako paalis nang pigilan na naman niya ako.

"I'd rather be with you than with someone I don't even like," aniya at tiningnan ako nang diretso sa mata. "Don't you get it, Reese? I don't want anyone else, I want you."

Hindi ako makapag-react. Ni hindi ko alam 'yong sasabihin ko dahil ayaw ko pa siya makaharap ngayon. I don't want him to see me in this state. I'm so weak, damn it! "Uuwi na ako--"

"Tell me how you feel and if you say that you don't like me or you don't feel anything towards me, then I'll let you go," sabi niya habang hawak pa rin ako nang mahigpit sa braso. "Tell me the truth."

Truth? I've been lying to myself for I don't know how long now. Pa lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na ayos ako kahit alam kong hindi ako nagiging okay. And now, I'm trying so hard to tell myself that I don't feel anything towards Gideon. Ayaw kong tanggapin. Gusto kong paniwalain 'yong sarili ko na wala kasi ayaw ko nang masaktan. Ayaw ko nang maulit na naman 'yong dati.

It was traumatizing and it was hell for me throughout those years. Hanggang ngayon nga ay hindi pa 'yon nawawala sa isip ko. Kaya paanong mamahalin ko siya? Paano ko gagawin 'yon kung hanggang ngayon ay nasasaktan pa rin ako? I'm so tired of lying but I this is the only way to save myself from the pain and hurting.

"I don't--" Pareho kaming natigilan nang biglang bumuhos 'yong ulan. Napatingala ako sa kalangitan, kahit lumalakas 'yong ulan ay walang nagpatinag sa aming dalawa. Pareho lang kaming nakatayo roon at nakatingin sa isa't isa. "Gideon,,,"

Natigilan ako nang hilahin niya ako at mahigpit na niyakap. "Reese, I know you have your own reason and that you became like this because of something. I'm not going to force you to like me back. I just want you to be honest and let me be there for you."

Hindi ko alam kung ano na 'yong bumabagsak sa sahig, kung 'yong luha ko ba o 'yong patak ng ulan. "You don't understand..."

He smiled and wiped away my tears. "You don't have to tell me things. I'll be here with you. Even if things are complicated. I know you don't need saving, you can do it yourself. You just need someone who will be there for you as you save yourself."

Ang tagal ko nang gustong marinig 'yan. Yes, I need someone. I want someone to stay while I heal myself and he said those words to me as if he can read my mind. As if he knew exactly what I felt at that moment.

"What if I hurt you in the process of healing myself?" tanong ko pero hindi siya nagpatinag. Why is he like this to me? I don't deserve this. I don't deserve him. He's too much for me and I might hurt him in the future, pero bakit ganoon? I don't want him to let me go. I don't want him to give up on me.

"Hurting is part of loving someone, Reese. And when I told you that I'd rather stay here with you than be with someone else I don't love, I also mean that I'm ready to be hurt just to have you because I love you and nothing else matters," turan niya kaya lalo akong napaluha.

Nang hindi ako sumagot ay hinila niya ako at tumakbo siya kaya naman napatakbo na rin ako. "Gideon, saan tayo pupunta? Ang lakas ng ulan, kailangan na natin sumilong!"

"Let's enjoy the rain," aniya at tila naunawaan ko 'yong punto niya kaya sumunod na rin ako sa pagtakbo niya. The rain was pouring at ramdam ko 'yong lamig ng gabi, but I was happy that moment. I wish that moments like this can be framed so that I could always picture out my favorite memories, because this is one of those.

Tumingala si Gideon at sinalo niya 'yong tubig ulan. "You're like the rain, Reese. You pour too much and no one dares to catch you but I can be your ground. I will catch your drops no matter how heavy it is."

I closed my eyes and when I opened it, ang mapupungay na mata ni Gideon ang bumungad sa akin. I want to be okay. I want to live. I want to heal and the only way to do that is to move on. I held Gideon's face and smiled.

"Gideon, I like you."