What Lies Within Her

Chapter 30: I'm Here, Always

Reese's POV

Pagkaalis ni Gideon sa condo ay nagkulong lang ako sa kuwarto ko. I'm not regretting my decision. It's just that, this feels new to me again. Matagal-tagal na rin nang huling beses akong magmahal. I already forgot the feeling of this kaya ngayon ay natatakot ako.

Paano kung hindi ko maibigay 'yong deserve ni Gideon dahil lang ganito ako? I want to fix myself for him. I don't want to stay this way forever. Pero ngayon na kami na ni Gideon, I don't even know how to face him without remembering my past and being afraid of it.

Kinabukasan, I woke up so early in the morning because of a call from Gideon. He asked me if I'm awake and that I should contact him as soon as I read his message pero hindi ako nakapag-text sa kaniya. I left him on read dahil hindi ko alam kung ano 'yong sasabihin ko.

"I'm the worst," sabi ko kay Cielo pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko ng sasakyan niya. Hindi ko pa muna sinabi sa kaniya 'yong tungkol sa amin ni Gideon dahil gusto ko munang tiyempuhan bago ko sabihin sa kaniya. I want this to work out pero natatakot pa rin ako.

"Why and what happened?" nagtatakang tanong ni Cielo sa akin at nagsimula na siyang magmaneho paalis ng condo. Since it's the weekend, naisip namin na pumunta na lang ng coffee shop para tumambay dahil 'yon naman talaga kasi ang nakasanayan namin. Next week kasi ay tapos na ang academic break. Sinusulit lang talaga namin.

"Gideon texted me and I didn't reply to any of his messages." Napalingon siya sa akin saglit na para bang naiinis siya sa akin. Well, naiinis din naman ako sa sarili ko. Gideon and I are finally dating and here I am, ignoring him just because I'm afraid and I don't know what to do.

"You know to yourself that you like him, so, why are you stopping yourself?" Hindi ako kaagad nakasagot nang tanungin sa akin 'yon ni Cielo. I like Gideon, yes. We're in a relationship now, oo rin. Pero bakit ganito? I feel like there's an uncertain feeling in my chest that I can't name. Pakiramdam ko na hangga't nararamdaman ko 'to ay hindi ko siya mahaharap nang maayos.

"I need to gather my thoughts and stop myself from thinking this way," sabi ko na lang at tumahimik na hanggang sa makarating kami sa coffee shop. It was one of the coffee shops we used to go to back when we were still in senior high school. Hanggang ngayon ay nakatayo pa rin ito at marami pa ring customer dahil na rin sa cozy ang place and ambiance. Idagdag mo pa ang perfect customer service.

"This way, Reese." Hinila ako ni Cielo papunta roon sa mesa malapit sa salaming bintana para tanaw na tanaw namin 'yong labas at mas ma-enjoy namin 'yong view. This feels calming. Naging busy kasi kami pareho ni Cielo kaya nakalilimutan namin pareho na bumisita sa mga coffee shops just like we used to do. "What's the status ba between you and Gideon?"

Napalunok ako. "He's uh, He's courting me," I hesitated. Napangiti naman siya na para bang natutuwa siya sa narinig. Kilala ko kasi 'tong si Cielo, sigurado akong botong-boto siya kay Gideon dahil nakikita ko sa kaniya kung gaano niya kagustong bigyan ko siya ng chance.

It's true that Gideon is different from others. Hindi ko alam pero there's something about him that drew my attention even more. He's the first person to ever make me confused like this. Alam mo 'yong pati nararamdaman mo pinagdududahan mo na? I felt that way towards him. It's like I don't want to be involved with him pero kapag wala naman siya ay hinahanap ko siya.

So, I stopped running away from him. Hinayaan ko na lang 'yong sarili ko na sundin 'yong nararamdaman ko and it led me here, with Gideon.

"You know, Gideon used to be a man of few words, but when you two met, he started talking to other people too. Nagulat nga ako kasi dati ay napakasungit na bata n'on. Lalo na dati, wala 'yong kinakausap at pinapansin," aniya. Come to think of it, halata naman kay Gideon na masungit siya at parang mahirap i-approach. "Sayo lang naman siya ganiyan, e."

Napangiti ako dahil doon. Sa akin lang siya ganito. I can't help but admit it to myself too. I love Gideon. Wala 'yong duda. But what I'm afraid of is my past. How can I love him properly when I'm like this?

"Do you think he'll accept me?" tanong ko kay Cielo na ikinatigil niya. Akala ko hindi niya ako sasagutin pero nagulat ako nang hinawakan niya 'yong kamay ko at nginitian ako.

"You know, Gideon is someone who will surely understand you. I saw his persistence to have you and that's what I call assurance. Kung hindi ka man niya matanggap, so what? It only means that he's not what you deserve. If someone can't accept you and your past, then that someone isn't worth it," she uttered and took a sip of her frappe. I always find Cielo as someone who jokes around a lot, but every time I need her serious side, she never fails to amaze me.

"Speaking of," sabi ko dahil nag-ring 'yong phone ko at nag-register 'yong number ni Gideon. I was nervous whether to answer it or not pero sa huli ay nanaig pa rin 'yong kagustuhan ko na kausapin siya. I answered it and put it on my ear.

"Where are you, Reese?" tanong niya. Akala ko galit siya pero wala man lang kahit anong bakas ng galit sa boses niya. "I badly want to see you now."

I smiled even though he can't see me right now. "I'm with Cielo."

"Can we meet after, please?" He has all the rights to tell me to come to him now, pero nirerespeto niya ang oras na kasama ko si Cielo kaya lalo akong napangingiti.

"Okay, I love you." This is the first time that I was the first to tell him that I love him, kaya hindi na ako nagtaka nang parang nagulat siya sa sinabi ko dahil hindi na siya nagsasalita sa kabilang linya. "Gideon?"

"I love you too," aniya at ibinaba ang tawag na ikinatawa ko. This is okay, right? For once I want to be genuinely happy.

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I texted Gideon na nandito na ako sa harap ng condo dahil napag-usapan namin na rito na lang kami magkikita. Ilang minuto lang ay huminto ang motor niya sa harap ko at pagkatanggal niya ng helmet ay hinila niya kaagad ako at niyakap.

"I missed you," he uttered on my ear that made me smile. Sinuot niya sa akin 'yong helmet at pagkasakay ko ay nagmaneho na siya paalis. This feels refreshing and calming. I'm not really a fan of motor rides, but with him, it feels different. Kahit hindi ko alam kung saan kami pupunta ay hinayaan ko lang siya dahil alam kong safe ako sa kaniya. I have never felt this safe before. Kay Gideon ko lang 'to naramdaman.

Ilang minuto siyang nagmaneho hanggang sa nakarating kami sa tulay na wala masyadong dumaraan. We can see the sky clearly here. Para bang alam na alam ni Gideon na hindi ako ayos at maraming tumatakbo sa isip ko kaya dinala niya ako sa ganitong lugar. For me to be able to gather my thoughts and think more clearly.

"Thank you for bringing me here," sabi ko habang naka-lean ako sa railings ng tulay at nakatingin sa langit kung saan makikita mo kung gaano kaganda 'yong sunset.

"I feel like you're not okay," aniya at inilagay ang hibla ng buhok ko sa likod ng tainga ko. "I brought you here so that you can breathe and pause for a moment."

Napangiti ako. I can see that something is troubling him too, pero mas iniisip pa rin niya 'yong nararamdaman ko. Why is this person in love with me? I'm not worth his efforts pero ito siya, minamahal pa rin ako kahit ganito ako. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to fix myself.

"What are you thinking right now?" tanong ko sa kaniya kaya napalingon siya sa akin na para bang nagdadalawang isip siya kung sasabihin niya ba sa akin. "Come on, tell me."

He shrugged and smiled. "I thought that you changed your mind about dating me. I was afraid that I'd wake up without you in my life."

He's afraid. He wants me to give him assurance but because he knows that I'm afraid too, he focused on what's making me afraid instead of himself. How can someone be this selfless?

"I'm sorry for not replying," sabi ko. I didn't contact him earlier just because I'm afraid, without realizing that he's also facing that fear.

"I'm in love with you, Reese." Natigilan ako at nakatingin lang ako sa kaniya habang sinasabi niya ang mga salitang 'yon. At that moment, I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell him how much I want to love him and that there's nothing left in me, but my fear of losing him is eating me alive. I want to be with him, kahit alam ko sa sarili kong matatapos din ito.

"I'm in love with you, too." He held my hand and kissed the back of it. With him like this, everything feels so real. Sana, sana puwedeng ganito na lang parati.

"You don't have to have to be afraid of anything because I will always be here no matter what it takes." Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko at nayakap ko na siya nang mahigpit. He held me in his arms that moment and everything felt so warm. I want to always be here, inside his arms. "I'm here, always," he uttered and kissed my forehead.