VOW SERIES 1: THE VOWS WE MADE

Kabanata 24

I drew in a sharp breath when I heard my boss' car outside. Tumingin ako kay Zon na tumayo mula sa sofa at pinatay ang telebisyon. He still avoided my gaze as if he really can't stand looking at me for a long time. If he was disgusted or just merely fed up with me, I couldn't really tell. Isa lang ang alam ko. Malapit nang maubos ang asawa ko.

Nilunok ko ang namuong bara sa aking lalamunan saka ako lumapit sa kanya. I offered my hand, pero tinignan muna niya iyon ng ilang sandali. Kung hindi pa kumatok ang boss ko sa main door ay hindi niya pa tatanggapin.

Somehow, I felt bad that we have to put on a show just so people wouldn't realize how our sturdy home slowly shambled without me realizing. Ang sakit isiping iyong dating natural naman naming naipakikita sa mga tao, kailangan pa naming pekein ngayon para lamang hindi ako mapahiya.

"Good evening. We brought champagne," my boss said with a smile.

Ngumiti kami ni Zon at nagpasalamat. Nang makapasok sila ay pinasadahan nila ng tingin ang aming bahay.

"You have a very lovely home," puri ng asawa ng boss ko na CEO naman ng sarili nitong cosmetic brand.

I smiled. "My husband takes care of our home more than I do so I owe it all to him," I said, trying to earn some glances from my husband. Ngunit hindi umubra. Tumikhim lamang siya at inalok na ang mag-asawang maupo.

We started our dinner with a prayer. Naghawak kami ng mga kamay, at nang magsimulang magdasal ang boss ko, kinuha ko ang pagkakataon upang haplusin ang likod ng kamay ng asawa ko. I opened my eyes and stared at his wedding ring, and when I realized that he didn't shut his eyes, I brought our hands to my lips to kiss his knuckles.

Zon straightened his back as he clenched his jaw. Nang matapos ang panalangin ay binawi niya kaagad ang kamay niya saka siya pekeng ngumiti sa mag-asawa.

"Mr. Cariano, I heard you're an elementary teacher. Grabe siguro ang haba ng pasensya mo, ano?" tanong ng boss ko sa kanya.

I almost gave my two cents. Mahaba talagaang pasensya niya. Natiis niya ang panlalamig ko ng ilang taon, hindi ba? Despite him having anger issues in the beginning of our dating months, Zon became really patient towards me. Bakit hindi ko iyon kaagad na-appreciate noong kaya niya pa akong titigan sa mga mata?

Pilit siyang ngumiti. "I guess it becomes natural to have a lot of patience when you love what you're doing. I love being a teacher because the kids make me feel like even just for a few hours in a day, I get to become a dad."

"I'm really sorry for what happened to your son three years ago. Pinauuwi ko nang pilit si Audrey dahil alam kong nagluluksa pa kayong mag-asawa pero ayaw mag-leave."

Nakita ko ang paglungkot ng mga mata ni Zon. "I guess she loves her job a lot." Bumaling siya sa akin, tila mayroong gustong ipunto. "'Di ba... love? Your job is more important?"

Dapat ay magalit ako, hindi ba? He's provoking me in front of my boss, but him being unreasonable right now is something my husband doesn't do. Siguro ay gaya ko noong nasasaktan ako nang husto at nilayo ko ang sarili ko, nagagawa niyang umakto nang hindi naaayon dahil masyado na rin siyang nasaktan.

I let out a silent breath. "It was... my coping mechanism." I drifted my gaze towards my boss when I saw his eyes flickered with pain. "My job helped me forget that we lost our baby, but yes, I really love my job."

"See? She does, Sir. In fact, palagi ko ngang binibiro na mas mahal niya ang trabaho niya kaysa sa akin," he joked that made the couple laughed, habang ako ay parang sinaksak sa dibdib. No, he never told me that. Biro man o hindi, he never told me that, dahil alam kong iyon naman talaga ang naiisip niya.

"Oh, that's not fair. You know, no matter how busy we are with our businesses, we always make sure that we get to express our love to each other. Dahil oras na maramdaman ng asawa mong mas mahal mo ang ibang bagay kaysa sa pamilya mo, they will drift away," sagot ng boss ko.

Peke akong ngumiti nang tumingin ang boss ko sa akin. I even offered a toast just to divert the topic, but they kept on coming back to it.

"Well, she's very efficient in her job that's why I was hoping that you guys already discussed about the promotion I was offering her. Balak kong gawing marketing head si Audrey sa itatayong branch sa Sydney. If you need to come with her, we can bend some terms just to make her agree because she's the best candidate for it."

Kinabahan ako nang sumulyap sa akin si Zon, at nang madinig ko ang kanyang naging sagot, halos manlumo ako nang tuluyan.

"I'm happy that my wife gets appreciated at work. I think it's a great offer anyway, and I don't wanna hold her back. I love my job here, too so kung pupunta siya ng Sydney to pursue the next step in her career, hindi ko naman siya pipigilan tutal mas mahal niya naman ang trabaho niya."

I held his hand because of his last statement, but he just avoided my hand and offered to pour our guests some more champagne. Parang dinaganan ng mabigat na bato ang dibdib ko dahil doon, kaya nang makaalis ang mga bisita, sinubukan ko ulit suyuin ang asawa ko.

"What was that about, Zon? Bakit mo ko pinapayagang umalis?"

He drew in a sharp breath while his back was facing me. "I just told them the truth."

"What truth? Na mas mahal ko ang trabaho ko kaysa sayo?"

He looked at me with a cold expression. "Don't you?"

Kumuyom ang aking mga kamao. "Of course that's not true! Mahal kita at alam mo 'yan!"

Umigting ang kanyang panga. "Mahal mo ko, Audrey? Then bakit hindi ko na maramdaman? If we didn't reach this point, will you even give a damn about how I feel?"

Kumislap ang mga luha sa aking mga mata. "I failed you, I know that. But we can still work this out kung pagbibigyan mo lang ako."

He looked away with bloodshot eyes. "Napapagod din ako, Audrey. Ilang beses na akong nag-adjust so we can keep our marriage, but every damn time I'm getting my hopes up, you end up breaking me more."

Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga. Mayamaya ay may kinuha siya sa folder na iniwan niya kanina sa center table. Nang makita ko kung ano iyon ay napaupo ako nang tuluyan sa sofa habang pumapatak ang aking mga luha.

"Z--Zon?"

My husband stared at me with pain in his bloodshot eyes, and the moment I heard what he said, pakiramdam ko ay nauupos akong kandilang hindi nakagalaw.

"Tama na, Audrey. I think we both know we're going nowhere at this point..."

Bumuhos ang aking mga luha habang halos hindi ako makahinga. "N--No. Kung nagkulang ako, ayusin natin. Babawi ako, Zon..."

He shook his head. "I don't think we can still go back to how we used to be. Kahit na ayaw kong magtanim ng galit, tuwing napag-iisa ako, naiisip ko kung ilang beses mo akong tinalikuran tuwing natutulog ka. Kung ilang beses mong hindi pinansin ang mga chat ko kapag sinasabi kong mahal na mahal kita. Kung ilang beses mong mas piniling mag-overtime sa trabaho kaysa kumustahin ako habang kumakain tayo ng hapunan." He sniffed. "Do you know how many times I had to watch our food get cold while I constantly check my phone to see if my wife is already coming home? Para mainit ko naman ang pagkain? Do you know how many times I had to practice my smile before going inside the class just so my students wouldn't see how lonely their teacher is? And do you know how many times I watched you at night, wondering what I did wrong for my wife to shut me out when all I wanna do is be there for her? Masakit na masakit na, Audrey. Lalake ako, pero marunong din akong masaktan at mapagod."

I sobbed. "Mahal kita, Zon..."

Pumatak ang kanyang luha, at nang tuluyan siyang lumuhod sa aking harap, alam ko nang hindi ko na mababago pa ang isip niya.

Tuluyan na akong sinukuan ng asawa ko, at heto siya ngayon, lumuluhod sa harap ko para makuhang muli ang kalayaan niyang magsimula ng panibagong buhay nang hindi na ako kasama...