Chapter 13| Change of Heart
1500 Words
I sighed for the nth time today. It's August eighteen and we're still here. We still have two days to spend for this seminar. Wala naman sanang kaso 'yon, kaya lang ay importante kasi ang araw na 'to.
Today's Nixon's birthday and I want to spend it with him. Ni hindi ko man lang s'yang magawang batiin.
"Ang lalim n'yan a," Artamiel chuckled after sitting beside me.
Hindi ko napigilan ang lumabi, na nginitian lang naman ni Artamiel nang makita n'ya.
It felt weird having Artamiel like this. Today is the third day he's been nice to me. Palagi naman s'yang mabait at palakaibigan sa iba, pero hindi sa akin. Sa kung ano'ng dahilan ay mainit ang dugo n'ya sa akin.
"What are you thinking?" he smiled a little then he opened the bag of chips. He offered it to me but I shook my head.
I stared at him for a while before I sighed. "It felt weird. That you're nice and warm to me. I was used to your coldness," I admitted.
Malinaw na nakita ko ang pagkalat ng lungkot sa mga mata n'ya. Agad ay nagsisi ako na sinabi ko pa ang nasa isip ko.
"Hindi naman lahat ng ginagawa ko ay gusto ko. You know, most of the time, I feel like I'm only an audience in this life. Parang pinapanood ko lang ang buhay ko na dumadaan. Ninety eight percent of my actions were not my choice. There's always expectations that I must fulfill," he murmured while looking up at the sky.
My heart felt heavy while watching him. It felt like I can share his agony. Tumingala na lang din ako sa langit gaya n'ya.
"I don't get it," I whispered. "You could always decide for yourself."
"I died when I was four, Prudence. This life... it's not mine anymore," he replied in a pained tone. Halos hindi ko na nga 'yon narinig.
My heart throbbed at this honest Artamiel. I don't know my basis, but I can feel it that he's being honest this time. It felt like he bared his soul to me. And it's... confusing.
My mouth parted when I realized something. Artamiel has been kidnapped when he was four. He was gone missing for more than a year. At a point, he was even declared dead. My family was not on the country during that time, pero nakakarating sa amin ang balita. We even mourned for him. Si Tita Courtney lang naman ang hindi tumanggap na patay na ang anak n'ya. And we all considered it almost a miracle when one day, he was found on the doorstep of their mansion.
But the boy who returned was different. I heard from Mom that he's not talking to anyone. He's unresponsive and he's inseparable to his mother. They even migrated to Canada to give him a new environment and a new hope, and new life. He went through years of psychological therapies and mental treatment. He went through a trauma, and he never spoke about what happened to him.
"I-Is it about your abduction?" I asked in a nervous tone.
I saw how his jaw clenched. His eyes turned cold and his lips pressed into a thin line. "I don't want to talk about it."
He walked out after that.
And I never got the chance to talk to him again.
Since that day, Artamiel has been avoiding me.
"Pru?" Nixon called from the bed.
I faced him after dressing myself. "I have to go. May pupuntahan pa kami ni Ate," I tried to smile at him then I ran out of his room.
I was careful not to be caught by anyone, not even their maids.
Hindi naman ako bawal pumunta dito sa mansion nila, pero ayoko lang na makita nila ako. I don't have a reason to be here. I don't want them to get a hint of what Nixon and I has been doing.
We've been doing this for two years now. And the more we do this, have s*x, the more it got meaningless for me. At first it means so much for me. I love Nixon. I still love him now, but it felt... wrong.
Hindi ko lang magawang tumanggi sa kanya kapag niyayaya n'ya ako. Dahil nahihiya ako. I used him to save me. He once redeemed me. So it's time to let him use me to satisfy his needs. For years now, he's been convincing me to put a label on us. He's been telling me loves me, but I declined his love. Palagi kong idinadahilan na hindi ako handa.
I don't want to make anything official. It's enough that we're doing this, and we're experimenting things to satisfy our carnal needs and curiosity. I don't want to risk it. I love Nixon, so I want to keep him. I want to stay on the safe zone. It's enough that we're friends.
And I don't trust myself that I can handle a relationship. Alam ko na nasasaktan ko s'ya sa pagtanggi ko, pero naduduwag ako na sumugal. I witnessed friends-turned-lovers became enemies. I don't want to lose a friend. Ayoko na kapag nagsawa na si Nixon sa akin, kahit maging kaibigan sa kanya ay ayawan na n'ya ako. It's better to keep it this way. And I know that I'm not good enough for him.
By giving him my body, I can show him my love for me. Hindi ko pa nasasabi sa kanya na mahal ko s'ya. Ayoko. Pakiramdam ko ay mali na sabihin ko. Pakiramdam ko ay wala akong karapatan.
I slightly shook my head when I successfully went out of the V mansion without bumping into anyone. I have to be normal once I reached home. My mother's a keen observant. I don't want to plant any doubt on her always curious mind.
Malapit na ako sa gate nang matigilan ako. Sa dami ng pwedeng makasalubong, s'ya pa talaga.
"A-Artamiel..." I stuttered.
He raised a brow on me then without a word, he walked pass me.
My lips quivered. I bowed my head at the pain I felt on my chest.
Simula nang matapos ang leadership seminar na pinuntahan namin, iniwasan na n'ya ako. At kung dati ay palagi n'ya akong inaasar at kung anu-ano ang ibinibintang n'ya, ngayon ay umaakto s'ya na tila hindi ako nakikita ng mga mata n'ya.
At hindi ko alam kung bakit ang sakit-sakit.
Sa haba ng panahon na magkakilala kami, tatlong araw lang naging kaibigan sa akin si Artamiel. Pero mula n'on, hinanap-hanap ko na ang malambing na ngiti n'ya at ang totoong s'ya. And now that he's acting like I am not existing, it pained me a lot.
"Prudence," a firm voice called from behind.
I took a deep breath before I raised my head then I turned to face Nixon.
"Ihahatid na kita," he declared then he snatched my hand to lead me towards his car. He's not yet allowed to drive on his own so he have his personal driver.
Naging tahimik ang byahe namin papunta sa bahay.
"Pru," he called as the car halted in front of our mansion.
"Yes?" I asked mindlessly.
I am still thinking of a reason why Artamiel suddenly became cold and distant. I've been thinking for years, and I still don't get an answer. Sa tuwing makikita ko si Artamiel, at binabalewala n'ya ako, hindi ko maiwasang masaktan at isipin kung bakit. Gusto ko malaman ang rason n'ya.
"This coming Saturday, I'll wait for you for a dinner date," he said in a sure tone.
The best thing about Nixon, he's always sure of himself. His confidence can be mistaken for insolence and being prideful. That's his strong point, na direktang kabaligtaran ko. Kaya alam ko na hindi kami bagay para sa isa't isa. Hindi ko s'ya kayang sabayan.
"Prudence, I don't want us to be just like this. This is not the way I want to treat you. I want to love you with respect and decency. I don't want to keep us a secret. If you want to continue being with me, let's step out together and make everything formal. If you still want to hide on the shadows, then don't show up and break me instead. I don't want to go with your flow anymore. It's suffocating to live on your bubble," he said in a serious tone.
I tried to look for the proper words to say but I was overwhelmed at his declaration. In the end, I only managed to nod my head at him.
Bumaba na ako sa sasakyan n'ya at deretsong pumasok na ako sa loob ng bahay namin.
As I reached my room, my tears rolled down.
Nasasaktan ako na nasasaktan ko si Nixon.
Pero handa na ba ako?
Ano nga ba ang pumipigil sa akin para malayang mahalin si Nixon?
Then someone's cold eyes popped in my mind.
I was always sure of my feelings for Nixon. Was.
What the heck?
What's with the change of hearts?
- Writer
