More Than Anything (TAGALOG)

Margaux

“Mommy!”

Isang linggo nang makalabas kami sa ospital ay balik sa pagiging bibo na naman ang anak ko. This time, he just got home from his football practice that I told him to ditch.

Damn. Matigas ang ulo ng anak ko! Kanino ba ito nagmana?!

I looked at Shawn who was drenched in sweat. “Mommy!” He beamed as he handed me a flyer.

Football Game

October 18, 2018, 4PM

Marist School Open Field

Iyon ang nakasulat sa flyer na hawak niya. I looked at him and he beamed at me. “The coach said my parents need to be there.”

Para akong nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig nang sabihin niya iyon sa akin. “Parents?” I asked. I needed to emphasize the s in the end because I have to know if I heard it right.

“Other students have parents. I only have you so I think you should come, Mom.” He said. Wala namang bahid ng inggit o lungkot sa boses niya pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilang maging guilty.

I smiled at him and nodded. “Of course, I will come. Never have I missed my baby’s game, right?” I told him and he laughed.

Akala ko ay ayos na iyon. I never imagined him asking for the next question.

“Why do other kids have two parents and I only have one?” He asked.

That actually turned my world into ice. Kung paano niya natanong ito sa akin, hindi ko alam. Where has he gotten himself into? Binubully ba siya sa school niya dahil wala siyang daddy?

“Because their Mommy and Daddy are together.” I told him cautiously. I wanted to skip this part of his life. I wanted him to know that he didn’t need his Daddy. I was enough for him like how he’s enough for me.

Pero makokontrol ko ba ang utak ng isang inosenteng bata? That, I know I can’t.

“Why are you not together with Daddy?” he asked. “Do I have a daddy?”

If it wasn’t an innocent question, I would have been pissed at him. Deonna said my son has the right to know about his father. If he wanted to know about him and meet him, it’s his decision. Pero paano ko naman ipapaubaya ang desisyon sa isang inosenteng bata?

I can’t let him decide if he wanted to meet his father or not.

“Mommy?” he called me out.

I smiled and sighed. “You have a daddy, Shawn.” I told him. Maybe this is enough for today. Just knowing that he has a father would change his view even for a bit.

His face lightened up when he heard what I just said. “Really? Where is he, Mommy?” He asked.

Kids are really curious and this is a good example on how a kid could ask about five hundred questions a day.

“He’s not here, Shawn. He has his own family.” I told him.

Nanliit ang mata ni Shawn habang nakatingin sa akin. It’s as if he’s thinking of another reason. “Why?” He asked right after.

I smiled bent down to his height. “Because your daddy loves someone else.” I told him.

“He doesn’t love us?”

I bit my lip. Damn it, Margaux. Dapat sinabi mon a lang na wala siyang Daddy!

I smiled and chuckled weakly. “Daddy loves you, Baby. He even wants to meet you. He saw you at the hospital and he told me he wanted to meet you.” Damn it! Ano ba itong pinagsasabi para lang hindi masaktan ang anak ko!

His confused face suddenly lit up once again. “Really?” He asked sounding excited.

I nodded.

“Where is he? I want to meet him, Mommy!” He beamed while jumping up and down.

Napatigil ako sa sinabi niya. He wants to meet his daddy? How simple could it be for him? Hindi man lang siya magiging awkward?

I wanted to keep him away from Quinn but when I remember Deonna’s words, I feel bad about it. Ipinagkakait ko anak ko ang sarili niyang pagkatao. I’m probably the most terrible mother on earth.

“Are you sure?” I asked him, trying to act against my heart.

Shawn nodded like he was so sure about this. He really wanted to meet his Dad.

“I really wanted to have a Dad.” He told me. “I wanted to have a dad who will play football with me.” Aniya.

I frowned at him. “Is Mommy not enough to play football with?” I asked, with a hint of jealousy in my voice.

He smiled and gave me hug. “I love you, Mommy, but you’re too girly for the sport.” He beamed and I almost crushed him inside my arms.

At nambabara pa ang batang ito!

I told Shawn we’d call his father later tonight pagkabalik ko galing trabaho. He was getting too excited and even conducted a countdown of the hours that I will come back from work.

“So, sinabi mong may Daddy na siya?” Deonna asked me as we were having our snacks in the hospital cafeteria.

I nodded nonchalantly. “Iyon ang gusto niya. He wants to meet his father, too.” Sagot ko at halatang malungkot.

For years, I have kept my son and now I have to let him meet his father? Para saan pa ang mga panahong itinago ko siya?

Deonna stopped midway. “Iyon ang sabi niya?” She asked.

I nodded. “May countdown timer pa siya para lang sa pagtawag sa Daddy niya.” Sagot ko.

It doesn’t thrill me at all. I’m totally against making Quinn and Shawn meet. I don’t want Quinn to be in my son’s life.

“He’s excited…” Deonna commented.

Wala naman akong maisagot kung hindi ang tumango. Looking back, I’ve never imagined this day to come. Making my son meet his father will never happen in my own history. Pero iba pa rin.

Ngayon, nangangarap akong hindi sagutin ni Quinn ang tawag ko.

Kung paano ko nakuha ang numero niya, well, I got it from his medical record. Doon ko rin nalamang babalik siya bukas at si Deonna ang magchecheck up sa kanya para sa sutures niya. I didn’t tell Deonna about it though.

Maybe she’ll know tomorrow.

“Don’t worry. Hindi naman niya pipiliin ang Daddy niya.” Ani Deonna. “Your son’s been with you all his life, he’ll still choose you.”

I smiled. “I hope so.”

Deonna narrowed her eyes at me. “They’ll just meet. Hindi naman iuuwi si Shawn sa bahay ng ex mo.” She told me.

I smiled and nodded weakly. Pero paano kung inaya siya nitong mag-overnight sa bahay? I taught my son not to go with strangers but since I’d be introducing Quinn as his Daddy, malamang ay sumama siya roon kapag sinabi niyang umuwi sila sa bahay.

Just the thought of my son sleeping in a different room, away from me, kills me or makes me want to kill someone, and both.

“Stop overthinking, Margaux. Tell Shawn to do it one step at a time. Pati na rin iyong Daddy niya.” Deonna said and I nodded.

One step at a time.

“Mommy!” Shawn was still awake when I came. Hindi talaga siya natulog at hinintay niya talaga akong umuwi.

Alas diyes na nang matapos ako sa ospital kaya naman late na rin akong nakauwi. My son sleeps at eight but now he’s still awake.

“Do we call Daddy now?” he asked.

I pursed my lips in a thin line before smiling at him. “Baka tulog na si daddy. Bukas na lang?” I told him.

But then I couldn’t even wait for him to answer because he was already pouting at me.

“Pero sabi mo!” He was holding onto my words this lunch.

I took a deep breath and nodded. “Alright, alright. Let’s try tonight.” I told him and he was back to my smiling Shawn.

I took out my phone and called Quinn’s number. Sana ay wag niya itong sagutin. I was praying really hard that he wouldn’t pick it up. Sana ay tulog na ito.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings.

I was internally celebrating because he wasn’t responding until he picked the call up in the sixth ring. I mentally cursed at him.

Shawn was really excited and he called out “Daddy!” the first thing. Nang mukhang hindi makasagot sa kabilang linya ay huminahon si Shawn.

“Daddy?” His cute voice is never left unnoticed. “I know you haven’t met me but Mommy said you saw me in the hospital.” I shut my eyes as I hear my son talking to his father on the other line. I should have put the call on the damn speaker mode para hindi ako curious sa kung anong sinasabi ni Quinn sa kanya.

Shawn looked at me confused and I encouraged him to carry on. This time, I guess I only have to support him on what he wants to do.

“I have a football game on Friday. It’s going to be in my school, Marist. I hope you could come. Bye!” He beamed before ending the call and giving it to me.

I immediately turned off my phone having figured that the bastard would want to call again.

Once is enough for today. I have tomorrow to face all the s**t in this life.