Once Ice Grieves

SIXTEEN: Space

PASADO alas nueve na nang makababa kami ni Prim sa basement para kunin ang kotse kong ipinarada roon. He was on the phone with his wife then, asking me from time to time kung anong gusto kong pagkain o kung may iba ba akong gustong ipaluto.

“Whatever she cooked is fine with me, Prim. Ask them kung may kailangan sila na pwede nating daanan sa convenience store.”

He asked the same thing. Binuhay ko ang makina ng sasakyan. To my confusion, it wouldn’t start all the way so I had to do that three more times before I stopped. Tumingin ako kay Prim na nakikinig sa asawa niya sa telepono pero taka ring tumingin sa akin. I gritted my teeth then twisted the key to start the ignition again. It made a clunking noise but it stopped.

Shit.

Bumaba ako ng kotse at nagtungo deretso sa car hood para buksan iyon. For all intents and purposes, I could look at this machinery all day and I wouldn’t see anything amiss. For God’s sake.

Nakita kong bumaba si Prim mula sa sasakyan at sumilip din sa nakabukas na hood ng kotse. Ibinulsa na niya ang telepono no’n at sinusuri rin ang makinarya. “Kailan ka nagpalit ng battery, Ate?”

Jesus Christ. “Not really sure.”

Tumingin siya sa akin na parang nasisiraan ako ng bait. “I think that’s a female answer for never.”

Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mga mata. Inilingan niya lamang ako. “Ate, baka battery ‘to. Gagana ‘to ‘pag j-in-umpstart mo pero baka tirikan ka rin nito sa gitna ng daan. Ipa-tow na lang natin ‘to, mag-book na tayo ng kotse pabalik sa penthouse. You’ll need to have this checked kasi baka alternator o battery o pareho ‘yong problema.”

Nang banggitin pa lamang niya ang salitang tow, inilabas ko na kaagad ang cell phone ko para tawagan ‘yong towing company. Eksaktong nahagip ng paningin ko ang kalalabas lamang na si Griffin at si Luis noon. They were heading towards us, apparently his car was parked to my left and he glanced at both Prim and I.

“Need a ride?” he casually asked.

I turned around and gritted my teeth. Hanggang ng mga oras na iyon ay hinihintay ko pa ring sumagot ang tinatawagan ko.

“Ate, sabay na tayo kay Kuya Griffin.”

Tinapunan ko ng matalim na titig si Prim na nagpamaang sa kanya. Then amusement took hold of his expression and I could see him stopping himself from grinning. The asshole.

Sa gulat ko’y may umagaw ng telepono ko mula sa likuran. Paglingon ko’y naroon na si Griffin at nasa kalagitnaan ng pagpatay ng tawag at pag-lock sa cell phone ko. On my right, Luis was opening the backseat door to retrieve my bag and my laptop from it at inilipat iyon sa sasakyan ni Griffin.

“Let’s go. Ihahatid ko na kayo.”

Tumingin ako kay Griffin, measuring his reaction. He merely gave me back my phone and inclined his head, waiting for my cue. It felt weird today. It’s like I’m being attacked by his presence at all sides and I didn’t even have the chance to prepare. What the f**k is happening?

Hindi na ako nakatanggi nang ngumisi si Prim at nagpatiuna na sa paglalakad. Luis held the passanger’s seat door of the SUV and Prim got in. Gusto kong magprotesta because that meant I’ll be left with Griffin on the backseat.

Internally, I blew out a breath and squared my shoulders. Naunang tumalikod si Griffin para tunguhin ang kotse niya, marahil ay nakitang wala na akong nagawa. He opened the door and stood aside, waiting for me to get in. Lumunok ako at tumalima. Mabilis akong sumiksik sa pinakadulong parte ng upuan. Kung pwede nga lang mapag-isa kami ng pintuan at salamin sa sobrang dikit ko ro’n, h’wag lamang madikit kay Griffin.

On the drive home, I took my phone and casually browsed on the net to scheme some information on the project I’ll be handling. Naka-distract sa akin ang gawaing iyon, enough for me to stop fixating on the thought that I’m beside Griffin and he’s just an arm’s away it was tempting to grab hold of him.

“Kailan pala ang kasal mo, Kuya?” naulinagan kong panimula ni Prim mula sa unahan.

Napatigil ako sa pag-scroll. Para bang nanlaki ang tainga ko, marinig lamang ang isasagot ni Griffin doon.

“Kasal?”

“Oo. Nabasa ko sa Twitter, eh. Engaged ka ro’n sa artista. ‘Yong bida ro’n sa Traces of Paradise. Lupit, eh, ganda no’n, Kuya. Hindi ba totoo ‘yong balita? Itatanong ko sana kung pwede ako mag-best man, eh.”

Trust my brother to be so thick-faced about it.

Naulinagan ko ang amusement sa tinig ni Griffin nang sumagot. “Depende. If the person beside me is jealous because of the rumor, then no, it’s not true. If she isn’t, well… maybe it is.”

Dumulas sa kamay ko ang cell phone ko. I fumbled a bit to try and catch it. Luckily, it landed on the seat, on the space between my thigh. Agad ko iyong dinampot at nagpanggap na wala akong narinig pero nakita ko ang paglingon ni Prim na tumingin sa akin habang nanlalaki ang mga mata.

“Seriously? Ate Ice?” then he laughed. “Tatanda kang binata kapag hinintay mo ‘yan, Kuya. ‘Di ba nga, may dahilan kung bakit Ice ang nickname niya no’ng Highschool? She freezes out suitors! Mamumuti mata mo r’yan kay Ate, do’n ka na lang sa artista, Kuya!”

Nagngalit ang bagang ko sa inis. Kapatid ko ba talaga ‘to?

Tinapunan ko siya ng masamang tingin. He grinned at me sheepishly then turned to Griffin again. “Pero kung ready ka naman, ‘di kita pipigilan, Kuya. Basta best man ako, ha?”

If only I have something to throw at him. “Prim. Stop.”

As soon as I said it, a hand snatched my phone from me. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko’t napatingin kay Griffin. Mula sa pwesto ko’y nakita ko ang pag-exit niya sa browser app ko at pagpunta niya sa Contacts. He typed a number there, saved it, then hit the call button. The phone encapsulated in his black trousers lit up, indicating he was calling his own cell. Nang makita iyon ay saka niya ibinalik sa akin ang cell phone ko.

“Saved my new number, princess.”

Tumaas ang kilay ko’t tinitigan ang bagong numero na naroon. I dared a glance at him. “Nag… palit ka ng number?”

He casually shrugged then looked ahead. “I threw my phone away to keep from calling you. ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ and all that shit.”

I visibly winced. Ibinulsa ko na lamang ang cell phone ko ng tahimik at tumingin sa labas ng bintana. I didn’t know what else to say after that. Apparently, my brother wasn’t done.

“So you guys are together or…?”

“No.”

“Yes,” Griffin said almost the same time as my denial.

Tinignan ko siya at tinapunan ng matalim na titig. “We aren’t together, Griffin. Stop bullshitting my brother.”

Tumaas ang kanyang kilay, amusement and determination dancing around his orbs. “I gave you space to think, Lyselle. I was hoping six months was enough time to come to grips with what I meant to you and you to me. Masyado bang maaga ang pagbalik ko o dapat ba iniklian ko lang ang paglayo?”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Anong space ang sinasabi nito? “Hoy. There was no space. You agreed we’re done.”

He grinned that evilish grin he often use when he’s playing mind-boggling games. “Wala akong natatandaang sumang-ayon ako sa gusto mo. You were clearly distressed the last time we talked, you were even willing to lie through your teeth so you can make me go away. So I did what you wanted, I went. Pero hindi ibig sabihin no’n nakipaghiwalay ako sa ‘yo.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Is he out of his mind? “We’re done, Griffin. You did not give me space. That six months were mine to do with and you had nothing to do with it. You’re gone, you got engaged to Emily Noblejas—”

“Ah, so you know the name. You kept tabs on me?”

My lips thinned. f**k, I revealed too much.

He saw that on my face. That I slipped. I saw him grin as if he was enjoying this. “You see, my love, I realized it was wrong of me to take it slow with you. I knew from the very first time I was getting much farther with you when I was crude and straight with my intentions. I changed tact during our first night because you seemed…” he narrowed his gaze, searching for a term. “fragile. So I handled you like glass, following your cue. I was wrong to do that.

“That day confirmed my theory. I will never have a chance with you kahit pa abutin ako ng taon, ng dekada. You won’t open up as long as I’m giving you the reins to this relationship. So I’m taking those reins back and I won’t give you a chance to run away from me like a coward, Lyselle. You’ll face this head on even if it meant we both get dragged to hell doing so.”

My heart raced and something lodged in my throat that it rendered me speechless. Lumunok ako at nag-iwas ng tingin, hindi alam kung anong pwedeng sabihin sa mga iyon. Napagtanto kong isa iyon sa mga ikinakatakot ko. That he’ll see through me. I prayed he would that day but never in those six months did I ever thought he knew and he was merely retreating because he understood so much more than I gave him credit for. At that thought, tears stung my eyes.

I blinked it back, not wanting him to see even an ounce of weakness. And even that made me weary because I’m consciously aware now of what my therapist was trying to say. “That’s the problem, Ice. You don’t like giving people an inch.”

And maybe, I don’t. Maybe I won’t, ever.

Nang pumarada ang sasakyan sa harap ng building ay agad-agad akong bumaba. Kinuha ko kay Luis ang mga gamit ko at ngiting nagpasalamat sa kanya sa paghatid. He merely smiled at me na para bang wala siyang narinig sa mga naging usapan kanina sa sasakyan.

Nang tumapak ako sa entrance ng building ay nakita kong kabababa lamang nina Griffin at Prim, parehong nakangiti’t tila may pinag-uusapang nakaka-amuse.

“Prim. Tara na, gabi na.”

He inclined his head then subtly pointed to Griffin. He mouthed something I didn’t understand but I had a suspicion he wanted me to invite Griffin upstairs. Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mga mata at umiling. He rolled his eyes heavenwards pagkuwa’y pormal na bumaling sa lalaking nakapamulsa’t nakasandal sa gilid ng sasakyan.

“Kuya, gusto mong umakyat? Pakilala kita sa asawa ko. Dito ka na rin mag-dinner, nagluto siya, eh. Masarap magluto ‘yon.”

Griffin’s eyes sparkled and he looked at me, as if taunting me with it. Pagkatapos ay umayos siya ng tindig at inakbayan si Prim habang naglalakad. When they walked past me, sinadya niyang iparinig sa akin ang sinabi niya. “I might have the best man in this future wedding, after all.”

My jaw clenched and I can still hear Prim snorting at something Griffin said while they went through the revolving door. Pinanood ko silang maglakad papalayo habang bumubuga ng malalim na hininga. I felt Luis come up behind me, watching the two goof around in front of the elevator doors.

Lumingon ako sa kanya. “Gusto mo munang magkape sa taas, Luis?”

Ngiti siyang umiling. “Hindi na, Ma’am, ayos lang ho. Dito na lang muna ako.”

Hindi ko siya pinilit. I don’t know the specifics of his job with Griffin but he’d always been like this. Distant enough to let his boss handle his own personal affairs but is at his beck and call whenever needed.

“Ma’am… May sasabihin ho sana ako kung ayos lang ho sa inyo.”

Natigilan ako’t pumihit ng tuluyan para makaharap sa kanya. I smiled in encouragement. Saglit siyang sumulyap lampas sa balikat ko, marahil ay sa gawi ni Griffin bago bumalik ang atensyon niya sa akin.

“Hindi ko ho gustong ma-offend kayo. At sana’y hindi nga lumabas na ganoon ang mga sasabihin ko. Pero gusto ko lang hong malaman n’yo na mahalaga kayo kay Sir Griffin. Nakita ko ho siyang nahirapan nitong nagdaang anim na buwan. Ayaw niyang lumayo sa inyo pero alam niyang kailangan niyang gawin ‘yon dahil nararamdaman niyang nasasaktan na kayo. Hindi ho siguro ako nasa tamang posisyon para magsabi nito, Ma’am, pero wala hong ibang gusto si Sir Griffin kung hindi ang makasama lang kayo. Wala ho siyang ibang hihilinging hindi n’yo kayang ibigay.

“Kung sana po… kahit kaunting tsansa lang, ibigay n’yo ho kay Sir. Marami na siyang pinagdaanan gaya ninyo. Nakikita ko ho iyon sa mga mata n’yo, Ma’am. Na pareho kayo ng pagod na dinadala ni Sir Griffin. Pareho ho kayong nakikipagdigma sa kadiliman. Pero hindi ho ba mas maigi iyong magkasama ninyong sinusupil ang mga ‘yon kaysa magkahiwalay? H’wag n’yo ho sana siyang ituring na kaaway. Isang tsansa lang ho, Ma’am Lyselle. Isa lang ang kailangan niya. Baka po sa huli… kailangan n’yo rin ‘yon.”

HINDI ko pinansin ang pagkuha ni Griffin ng laptop at bag ko mula sa akin nang paakyat na ang elevator sa penthouse. Pinanatili ko ang paningin sa pintuan, willing it to open faster. Being in an enclosed space with him is getting harder and harder for me. Hindi lang dahil sa nangyari sa sasakyan at sa narinig ko kay Luis, pero dahil na rin iyon sa intensidad ng tingin niya sa akin ngayon. It was as if he was ready to devour me any minute. Saving grace ko na lang yata si Prim ngayon na busy sa kanyang phone at parang walang pakialam sa nangyayari.

When the elevator pinged and the doors opened, nauna akong maglakad palabas. Dere-deretso ako hanggang sa penthouse. I keyed into the latch of the door and flung it open, walking through the house where I was assaulted with the fragrance of something boiling in the kitchen.

Sinundan ko iyon at natagpuan si Trina sa kitchen counter na nagluluto at si Autumn sa dining table na naglalapag ng mga plato at kutsara roon.

“I’m sure McDonald’s isn’t happy with your choice of meal tonight, Autumn.”

Nag-angat siya ng tingin na hindi itinitigil ang ginagawang paglapag ng mga kubyertos sa mesa at tinapunan ako ng masamang tingin. “At least hindi ako lumalaklak ng cup noodles.”

Ngumisi ako, acknowledging that hit. Noong magkatrabaho pa kami sa Cebu, totoong noodles ang go-to food ko. Madaling lutuin, madaling kainin.

Bago pa ako may masabing iba, nakita kong napatingin si Autumn sa gawi ng pintuan, ang mga bakanteng espasyo sa partition shelf ng dining area at living room ay naging daan para makita niya ng tuluyan ang kakapasok lamang na si Prim kasunod si Griffin.

Agad akong naglakad patungo sa kusina para buksan ang refrigerator at kumuha ng pitsel ng juice. Kumuha rin ako ng isa pang plato at isa pang pares ng kubyertos para kay Griffin. Nang palabas na ako sa kusina’y papasok naman si Prim at patungo sa asawa niya.

“I don’t believe we’ve met,” naabutan kong wika ni Griffin kay Autumn saka naglahad ng palad. “Griffin King.”

Inilapag ko ang pitsel sa mesa at sa pinanood si Autumn na makipagdaop ng palad sa kanya. Nasa kabisera ako ng hapag at inilalagay ang pinggan sa bakanteng espasyo sa kanan ko. Griffin was on my right and Autumn was my left and I can see the latter giving me an amused look.

“Autumn Santillan.”

A pregnant pause. Then, “Santillan. You’re not…?”

“…that Santillan? I am. As I live and breathe.”

Tumingin sa akin si Griffin. Nagkibit ako ng balikat. I don’t know what to say to that. Hindi lang naman ako ang may kwentong karima-rimarim sa bahay na ito. Gotta give him props for staying quiet and unquestioning after that though.

Ipinakilala ni Prim ang asawa niya kay Griffin nang lumabas ito dala-dala ang isang malaking bowl ng sinigang at ang asawa’y kanin ang dala. Throughout the whole dinner, sina Prim, Trina, at Autumn ang nagdala ng usapan. Occasionally, isasali nila si Griffin ngunit hindi sila nagtangkang kausapin ako, liban na lamang kapag may mga gusto silang itanong sa akin na relevant sa paksa nila.

“So how was Italy?” naulinagan kong tanong ni Autumn kay Griffin. “You got married there?”

I forced my attention to stay at the meat I was cutting up, nervous at the way that conversation is going to go.

“My father did. Nanatili lang ako para sa business. He went on a honeymoon so I had to relieve him of some of the pending negotiations he had for a few months bago makabalik dito.”

“Business and no pleasure?” Nakita ko ang pag-iling ni Griffin sa peripheral vision ko, a tight smile adorning his lips. “That’s weird. I swear nabanggit ng jowa nitong si Ice na nagpakasal ka sa Italy. Somewhere in Lake Como and to a local actress here.”

Ginawaran ko ng matalim na titig si Autumn, warning her to stop. Ngumisi lamang siya at nagpatuloy sa pagkain. God, this b***h. To bring Adrian in this issue…

“Kaibigan ng kapatid ko si Emily so she was invited to the wedding. And as far as Lyselle is concerned, I’m still her boyfriend, regardless of what nonsense she’d been spouting these past few months.”

Sa pagkakataong iyon ay sa kanya lumipat ang sama ng tingin ko. He merely arched an eyebrow and licked his lower lip as if challenging me to say something against it. Autumn then snorted.

“Man, I like this version of you. Finally, someone that doesn’t coddle Ice but doesn’t treat her as trash either. Good job on picking that up.”

At that point, hindi ko na alam kung kanino maiirita. Pakiramdam ko’y lahat sila’y pinagkakaisahan ako at wala akong magawa dahil hindi ko naman alam kung paano dedepensahan ang sarili ko sa ganitong sitwasyon.

Damn Griffin King and his machinations. Bakit pa ba bumalik ‘tong asungot na ‘to?