Our First Sunset

I always believe that in life, everything takes time. We don't need to rush things because there's always a perfect timeline and opportunity that will surely come. I grew up and learned that it is important to put calculations and considerations with every choices and actions I'll make. I'm also living a life full of security, assurance and a higher chance that I'll definitely get the things I've wanted. But there was a moment in my life which made me questioned my intuitions and gut with a certain thing. So here I am, kneeling in front of God while praying for a hundred percent chance that I'll pass the upcoming final examinations so I could be the c*m Laude I've been wishing for since day one. And with that, I could make my family proud and prove them wrong. Aaminin ko, hindi ako madalas na humingi ng awa at gabay sa Kanya. Pero ngayon, wala na akong ibang mapuntahan. Hindi ko rin alam kung sino pa ang mapagsasabihan ko ng sama ng loob. Sarili kong pamilya, hindi magawang basahin ang nararamdaman ko. It's because they used to see me as a strong girl who could get through everything. They never thought that sometimes I feel weak and hopeless. Pero darating pala sa punto na...mawawalan ka rin ng lakas at mabubuo ang takot sa sistema mo. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong pumasok sa isip ko at napunta ako sa lugar na 'to. Dapat ay nasa review center ako o nasa aking kwarto para mag-aral nang husto. I don't want to disappoint my family. I'll always stand with my decision so I need to prove myself more. I need to make them believe that I didn't waste a single time, that I made the right choice. Hopefully, I can make them proud after my upcoming graduation. Ilang minuto lang akong nagtagal sa loob ng simbahan. Nagpasya na rin akong lumabas nang maramdaman ang pag-vibrate ng aking cellphone. Lalong sumama ang loob ko nang mabasa ang caller ID. Walang buhay kong sinagot ang tawag. "Dione! What's wrong with you? I've been calling a couple of times!" I almost threw my phone away because of hid loud voice. He is Maze, my boyfriend for two years. I never thought that I've got my first boyfriend during college. Hindi ko inakala na kaya kong isabay 'yon sa pag-aaral ko. But Maze was persistent back then, he did everything to win my heart. Dahil sa kagustuhan kong maranasan ang sinasabi nilang "feeling" ng in love, sinagot ko siya. So here we are, two years of being together. "Maze, I was inside the church. Tone down your voice." I said in a monotone, trying to control my temper. "Really? Mabuti naman at kahit sa bagay na 'yan eh may time ka! How about me, Dione? Kailan ka magbibigay ng oras sa akin?" Bahagya kong inilayo ang cellphone sa aking tainga dahil sa pagsigaw niya. Hindi ko rin mapigilang mapalingon sa paligid dahil baka nakakaagaw na kami ng atensiyon. Naglakad na rin ako papalayo sa harap ng simbahan para pumunta sa side na wala gaanong tao. "You know I'm busy with my studies. Ano bang mahirap maintindihan doon?" I said while having a creased forehead. He sighed heavily from the other line. "Busy? I know! Pero ilang linggo na tayong hindi nagkikita! Boyfriend mo ba talaga ako, ha?" Napairap na lang ako sa kinatatayuan. Ang tagal na namin sa relasyon pero ganito pa rin ang behavior niya. He should grow up at least! Lagi na lang siyang nagiging dramatic kapag nagtatalo kami nang ganito. "Calm down, Maze. Don't be too irrational. You know that I'm doing this for myself--" "Oo na! Sarili mo na naman! Kailan mo ba sinabi na 'yong mga bagay na ginagawa mo ay para sa ating dalawa, ha? Dione...I'm having a hard time! Ang hirap mong...ang hirap mong intindihin.." Natigilan ako nang ilang segundo nang marinig sa kanya 'yon. "Sa ilang taon nating relasyon, hindi ko naramdaman na nag-effort ka to make this work---" "Sinusumbatan mo ako, kung ganoon." I cut him off using my calm voice. "Yes! You need to hear this!" Hindi ko man siya kaharap, alam kong sobrang frustrated niya ngayon. Pero ni isang awa ay wala akong naramdaman. Ni kaunting guilt ay hindi rin sumagi sa isip ko. I know within myself that I did my part in our relationship. It's his problem for expecting more! "Dione, I'm tired! May trabaho at pinagkakaabalahan din naman ako pero hindi kita nakalimutan. I always make time for you! I always make sure that I can see you at least twice a week. Mahal kita...Dione. It's just that...loving you is too exhausting to the point that I'm getting insane. You're too exclusive and busy building up yourself. You're too hard to deal with and I feel like... you're not the same girl I've met years ago." I nodded while maintaining my emotionless expression. Hinayaan ko lang siyang isumbat ang mga bagay na 'yon. It didn't affect me, though. Hindi ko kailangan ng taong ipaparamdam sa akin na kulang ako. Na I'm not enough to be loved and valued. I'm always ready to leave and walk away from those people who don't see my worth. Damn! I wanna raise my middle finger in front of his face. "Let's break up.." he said but didn't make me feel hurt even a bit. I just smiled nonchalantly. "Yeah, that's a good decision." Kalmado kong tugon habang nakatingin pa rin sa mga taong dumaraan sa harap ko. "Iyon lang ang sasabihin mo?" He asked using a hesitant tone. "Yes.. let's end this nonsense relationship. Focus on yourself, first. Grow up and be matured enough to handle a woman who's too in love with herself. Never ever tell someone how flawed she was because I'm gonna slap you with your imperfections, too! That's all I can say. Thank you for the years we had. Have a good life 'cause I'll do mine. Bye!" I didn't let him say another word because I ended the call and blocked him. He's not worthy of my time. I still have my finals to be busy with. I still have my graduation ceremony in a few weeks. I still have my own life to deal with. Girl, there's a lot of things to do than crying over a man who's not worthy! "Ineng, halika! Huhulaan ko ang iyong kapalaran.." I stopped walking when an old woman's voice came in. Hinanap ko agad ang pinanggalingan ng boses at nakita ko ang isang matandang babae na sa unang tingin pa lang ay isang fortune teller. "Sorry po, pero hindi ako naniniwala sa mga hula. Tayo ang gumagawa ng ating kapalaran at hindi ito nakabase sa guhit sa ating mga palad." Prangkang sabi ko sa matanda na mukhang hindi naman na-offend. Hinila niya ako papasok sa isang tent na mayroong maliit na mesa at upuan. "Ineng, sandali lang ito. Gusto ko lang makita ang magiging kapalaran mo. Wala namang masama, hindi ba? Libre na lang." Wala akong nagawa nang anyayahan niya akong maupo. Ngumiti pa siya sa akin bago inilahad ang kanyang kamay sa akin. Agad ko namang inilahad ang kamay ko sa kanya. Ilang saglit lang niyang inobserbahan 'yon habang nililibot ko nang tingin ang loob ng tent. Tipikal na disenyo at kagamitan ng mga manghuhula. May mga baraha at bolang kristal na hindi ko naman pinapaniwalaan. "Hija, isa kang matatag na babae. Lahat ng bagay ay nakakaya mong lagpasan. Marunong ka ring mag-budget ng iyong salapi." Pinigilan kong matawa habang sinasabi niya 'yon sa akin. Totoo naman 'yong mga sinabi niya. Pero marami nang nakapagsabi sa akin na ganoon ang personality ko. The way I stand on my own, my sense of fashion, the way I talk and look at the people, they'll definitely understand my vibe. "Ngunit hindi ka swerte sa pag-ibig, hija.." Nagtaas ako ng kilay. Wala namang kaso sa akin ang bagay na 'yon. Naniniwala kasi akong there's a right person in a perfect time. Hindi ko dapat madaliin ang lahat. In fact, love is a choice. Love knows the value of time and patience. Love comes in your life when you least expect but also when you made plans and decision to have it. Gusto ko sanang idepensa ang aking sarili at magbigay ng opinyon. Gusto kong sabihin na hindi ako malalim magmahal. Na madali sa akin na bitawan ang mga taong dumarating sa buhay ko. Pero ang kasunod niyang sinabi ang naging dahilan kung bakit natigilan ako at nawalan ng lakas ng loob na magsalita pa. "Isang beses ka lang makakaranas ng tunay at tapat na pag-ibig. Ang taong pinakamamahal mo ay hindi mo papakasalan at makakasama habang buhay. Maaring magtagumpay ka sa iyong karera, adbokasiya at magkaroon ng masaganang buhay ngunit...hindi ka magiging masaya sa pag-ibig. Ang taong pinakamamahal mo ay hindi mapapasa'yo dahil sa isang mabigat na dahilan.." I gulped and felt speechless for a moment. There's no way I'll believe her statement because I've never been in love deeply. But it seems like, she wants me to believe her hunch that one day, I'll be losing my one great love. But my fate depends on me, it has nothing to do with her words. "Isang tao lang, hija. Iisa lang siya na kayang magparamdam sa'yo na karapat-dapat kang mahalin. Marami kang matututunan sa kanya na akala mo'y hindi mahalaga noong una. Ang pagmamahal na 'yon ang pupuno sa mga kulang na nararamdaman mo." This time, I was lost for words to speak up. My system went blank just because of the sudden impact brought by what I've heard. "Ang taong 'yon ang tanging magpapaalala sa'yo na masayang magmahal at makaramdam ng pagmamahal kahit sa maikling panahon lamang..."