Our First Sunset

Chapter 10

Chapter 10-Letter

Deafening silence ate my system.

Tears just can’t stop falling.

My heart can’t stop breaking into pieces.

I wish I was numb at this moment of my life.

How?

Why?

Did I deserve this?

It was supposed to be a happy day. It was our happy day!

But how come….it ended up this way?

“Ash,” Klea called my name for the nth time but it feels like I didn’t hear anyone. “Please be strong. You have to face this. I’m sorry.”

Tears fell again non-stop. I was still standing in front of a morgue of the city hospital. I don’t know how long I’ve been standing here and it seems like my feet were glued on the floor. I just can’t move because of the pain I’m having inside.

How could I accept this truth? How could I live another day with this unfortunate memory?

“Ash, we know that this is really hard for you. Tita Alia and your mom were worried. Kanina pa sila nagbabalak na kausapin ka but you looked blank. Naglakas loob na nga akong lapitan ka. I know hindi madali na tanggapin ito pero kailangan eh. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve this.”  Klea said while hugging me from behind and crying on my shoulder.

Wala na akong nagawa kungdi mas lalong humagulgol. Hindi ko alam kung paano tatanggapin ang lahat. Masakit na nitong umaga lang eh nakatanggap ako ng tawag na di ko inaasahan.

“K-klea…” namamaos kong sambit matapos ang ilang oras na wala akong nahagilap na salita. “Kasama ko siya kagabi. He was there… he visited me. Pa-paano ako maniniwalang nandiyan siya?” tanong ko habang hilam pa rin ang luha sa mga mata.

Klea just stared at me with pity on her eyes. She shook her head sadly and embrace me more.

“You’re hallucinating… he met an accident at around ten in the evening. You said that he talked to you at 11:30. Paano nangyari ‘yon? I guess you’re dreaming, Asha.”

Paulit-ulit akong umiling, ayaw siyang paniwalaan. Kumalas ako mula sa pagkakayakap niya at tumayo nang tuwid. Bagama’t hinang-hina pa rin ang aking tuhod ay nagawa ko pa ring maglakad papasok ng morgue. Nakita ko doon sina mama at Tita Alia maging ang ilan nilang kamag-anak. Sinalubong nila ako ng mga tingin na puno ng awa at lungkot.

“Asha…” ang aking ina ang unang nagsalita na kaagad akong dinaluhan.

“Ma… dapat po nasa wedding tayo ngayon ‘di ba?” I asked with tears on my cheeks.

“Anak ko… patawad anak ko..”

My mother cried loudly while caressing my back. She consoled me for a couple of minutes. Tita Alia went beside me and hugged me tightly. I cried again.

Tila hindi na ako nauubusan ng luha sa mga oras na ‘to. I just want to disappear and wish that everything is just a dream. If only I can change what happened.

“I’m sorry hija. You should be happy at this day pero ganito ang nangyari. I’m really sorry, hija. Kung may magagawa lang ako para sabihin ang totoo noon. Sana ginawa ko.” Tita Alia said that made me dumbfounded.

Slowly I turned my gaze into her while having a questioning look.

“Hija…” she sobbed.

Muli akong naiyak nang makita ang brown envelope na hawak niya kanina pa. It seems like it was the autopsy result. My hands were still trembling when she gave it on my hand.

“Asha anak… He has his own reasons why he never told you and why he chose to leave that way. I am sorry because I can’t mend the pain you’re having right now. I’m really sorry, hija.” Tita uttered with so much tears on her eyes and I just gave her a nod because I don’t understand everything.

I slowly opened the brown envelope despite my blurry vision. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko pang malaman ang mas masakit na katotohanan. Iniwan nila ako sa loob ng apat na sulok na kwartong ‘yon upang bigyan ng pagkakataon na mapag-isa. I am standing in front of my man’s cold and lifeless body. I can’t explain how painful it was to see him this way.

Para akong pinapatay nang paulit-ulit.

Dinudurog.

Paulit-ulit na nasasaktan sa nakikita ko sa aking harapan.

Dapat suot ko ngayon ang wedding gown habang hinihintay niya ako sa altar.

Hindi sa ganito.

This is not the day I never imagined to have with him.

This is not the memory I want to spend with him even at my last breath.

“Love…” finally I spoke up and called his name even with no response.

I went closer to him. He was covered by a white cloth and I don’t have enough courage to see him being lifeless. My whole body was trembling and I feel like I’m going to pass out.

“W-why? I want to know why?” I cried with my cracked voice. “We’re supposedly having our wedding today but…why?” I asked desperately.

“You…you promised me. You love me, right?” I asked again but still no answer. “We already made our dreams come true. May b-bahay na tayo, investments and business…sinamahan mo ako sa lahat eh! Bakit ako ‘yong naiwan? Jaire… sabihin mo sa akin… kaya ko ba? Kasi hindi ko alam kung…..k-kakayanin ko pa.” muling kong paghikbi habang hawak ang kamay niyang malamig na.

Ilang oras akong nagtagal doon habang napupuno ng hikbi ang apat na sulok ng kwarto. Ilang beses ko mang kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na hindi totoo at nanaginip lang ako, alam kong wala ng magbabago.

“Tinupad mo lang ba ‘yung mga pangarap natin para iwan din ako sa huli? You thought I can live alone? You thought I’m strong enough to be left alone huh? You’re wrong! Pinaramdam mo sa akin na hindi okay ang maging mag-isa. You made me live again. Tinulungan mo akong makita ‘yung mga bagay na hindi ko napapahalagahan noon. Tapos ngayon…iniwan mo na ako. Hindi ko na alam. Ang hirap magsimula ulit na hindi kana kasama eh. Naliligaw ulit ako. Nawalan na naman ng direksiyon ang buhay ko.”

I cried and cried heavily hoping that the pain will slip away. I reached for the brown envelope I dropped off a while ago. Hindi ko alam kung may lakas pa akong basahin ang nilalaman ‘non. How could I accept this unfortunate truth? This is a t*****e!

“No… this can’t be happening.” I repeatedly shook my head from disbelief as I understood the content of the paper. “This is not true. He can’t lie to me. Hindi niya kayang gawin sa akin ‘to. He love me…” I sobbed while crumpling the paper.

I felt dizzy when I tried to stand up and went near him. I have so many questions to ask! Why did he lie to me? Why did he keep it with himself?

Bakit hindi niya ako kinapitan?

Bakit hindi niya ako hinayaang damayan siya?

Bakit hindi niya ako hinayaang tulungan siya?

“Love… if this is your way of telling me the truth then I’m sorry. This is painful to me. I hate you for leaving me with no idea. Mahal kita! Mahal kita kahit gaano kahirap ang sitwasyon. Sana hinayaan mo akong mas maparamdam sa’yo ‘yun. You are my strength and the reason why I feel alive again. But here I am… getting back to what I was before. I hate you… for thinking that I can live without you. I hate you for thinking that I am strong enough to handle everything. I hate you for leaving me this early. But I still love you and I still want to know the reason why you’ve decided to hurt me in the end.”

Just like that, my sobs dominated the four corners of the room. That day, I lost the love of my life. I can’t have him back because he finally left me.

Just like a sunset in a day, he’ll never rise again and welcome me with his embrace. I only had him once and I couldn’t do anything to have him beside me again.

“Asha, wala kaming pinabago dito na kahit ano. Ikaw na ang bahala ah. Doon lang ako sa sasakyan.”

Tinapik ni Klea ang balikat ko bago umalis sa aking tabi. Nakatayo ako ngayon sa bahay namin ni Jaire na ilang buwan ko ring hindi nasilayan. Klea and her husband asked me yesterday if I’m willing to see the house again or decide to sell it. I have no reason to stay here anymore.

I walked towards the front door with the keys on my right hand. I don’t know why I decided to come here again because it will surely cause me too much pain.

“So… this is supposedly our home. But now why does everything feel so strange?” I asked myself when I entered the living area.

The furniture and appliances were properly arranged around. Hindi ko na nagawang i-appreciate ang mga gamit na nandoon kahit na kami naman ni Jaire ang pumili mismo ng mga ‘yon.

Para saan pa?

Wala ng halaga sa akin ang mga bagay na ‘yon.

I am all alone now.

Ilang buwan na rin akong pilit na naghahanap ng sapat na rason para magpatuloy sa buhay ko. Wala na ‘yung taong nagparamdam sa akin kung gaano kasaya ang bumuo ng pamilya.

“Love… dapat nandito tayo ngayon. Dapat masaya tayo diba?”

I went inside the master’s bedroom and it feels so empty even with the complete interior design especially the king size bed. I stared at our huge portrait attached on the gray colored wall. It was our picture in the beach during our second anniversary. Hindi talaga nawawala ang sunset sa mga special days sa aming dalawa.

“I’m sorry…” I said as I caressed his picture.

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagmamasid sa mga gamit na naroon. Halos ngayon ko lang nakita lahat dahil si Jaire naman kasi ang naunang naglipat ng lahat ng mga gamit niya dito. May ilan pa akong gamit na naiwan sa condo unit ko.

It’s sad to see that I’m all alone now. He’s gone for almost three months already. The healing process was never easy. I experienced depression and mental break downs.

“I’m sorry I didn’t give you the home that you really wanted. I’m sorry..” I started sobbing again but this time I know I can control myself.

Back then, I experienced passing out every time I thought of what happened to him. I need to undergone psychological treatment and counseling to be able to continue moving forward. There were times that I almost killed myself due to starvation and lack of sleep.

I only stopped acting that way when I lost a ‘special’ person in my life.

“I’m really sorry. I lost o-our child.” I uttered with my cracked voice.

Yes. Few months ago, I had a miscarriage. Huli ko na nalaman na dalawang buwan na pala akong buntis at hindi ko man lang naramdaman ‘yon. Lalo akong naging miserable sa nangyari. Nawalan na ako ng lakas. Nawalan na ako ng rason para ipagpatuloy ang buhay ko.

Nawala na sa akin ang lahat.

May dahilan pa ba para mabuhay noon?

I was lost…broken and felt so empty within those times. Maybe until now I still feel the same but I am able to handle it.

My family and friends never left my side. Kung ako sinukuan ko na ang sarili ko dahil sa mga pangyayaring ‘yon, sila hindi.

I thought I am strong enough but I was wrong. During those times, I feel like I don’t deserve to wake up in the morning and face a new day.

I lost two important people in my life.

I lost my…whole life.

After I cried for a couple of minutes, I noticed a white envelope on the vanity table beside the bed. Out of curiosity, I reached for that paper and found out that it was a hand written letter. There’s also a hard drive beside the envelope which made me more curious.

As I open the folded paper, I realized that it was Jaire’s handwriting. It was his letter addressed to me. Balak niyang ibigay ito sa akin sa mismong araw ng aming kasal.

Nanginginig ang aking kamay nang simulan kong basahin ang sulat. Nag-unahan din sa pagpatak ang luha sa aking mga mata. Hanggang ngayon ay sariwa pa rin ang sakit na dulot ng pagkawala niya maging ng pagkawala ng aming anak. Lalo akong nanglumo nang basahin ang sulat niya para sa akin na tila ba ‘yon na rin ang paraan niya para magpaalam.

Mahal kong Asha,

                Hi mahal! It was our wedding day today! Hindi ko mapigilang ma-excite kasi finally sa iisang bahay na tayo uuwi. I really waited for this day. The day that I would officially call you ‘my wife’. I’m so excited to have you beside me and cook for you every morning.

                Pero… may gusto akong ipagtapat sa’yo, Ash. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you about this earlier. Maybe I was afraid that you’ll be worried. I only want to make you happy especially when I’m with you. Mahal… sorry kung ngayon ko lang sasabihin sa’yo ah. The truth is, I was diagnosed with a brain cancer at a severe stage five months ago. I went blank when I heard the doctor’s findings. Natakot ako sa totoo lang.. kasi paano na tayo? Ang dami nating plano at isa-isa na nating natutupad ‘yon. Gusto kong samahan ka sa lahat ng pangarap natin, Asha. Kaya ginawa ko lahat para pahabain pa ‘yung buhay ko. I’m sorry kung kailangan kong itago sa’yo pero gusto ko kasi hanggang sa araw ng kasal natin, hindi mo iisipin ang tungkol sa kondisyon ko. I’ll live my life well. Mas lalong naging kumpleto ang buhay ko mula nang makilala kita.

                I’m sorry kung mauuna man ako ha. Hindi ko alam kung kailan pero ngayon pa lang eh humihingi na ako ng tawad. Kung makaka-baby man tayo, alagaan mo siya ha. Kung wala man, sana maging mas matatag ka. Alam kong kakayanin mo lahat. Kilala kita. Wala kang hindi kinakaya sa buhay mo kaya nga hindi ako natatakot kung sakaling iwan kita anumang oras eh. Because I know that my wife is strong and she can handle everything around her. I am happy that you’d gave me a chance during our first sunset almost three years ago. I’ll never regret loving somebody like you.

            You’re the best part of me. You completed me. Thank you for the roller coaster ride, Asha. You’ll always be the only woman I love even on my last breath. Thank you for choosing and loving me whole heartedly. Mahal na mahal kita.

                See you on our first sunset… as husband and wife, mahal. I love you always.

Yours truly,

Jaire