writingcamp + My Crazy Love / Mi Loco Amor

I do not agree

—It´s easy to judge others, it´s easy to impose what is wrong and what is right, what is permitted and what is not. That´s the simple rule we have to follow to determine if someone is deviant, if they deserve to belong to us, to the community. If they do not meet our requirements, they are useless and undesirable, they are a nuisance. Have we known that they would be this different, we have never gave them birth. And... if they still manage to be alive, they will wish they were dead. That´s the only way our community can ensure the future that we fight to build each day—Gerard reads, as everyone´s tries to follow him up through the reading of Gathering Blue by Lois Lowry, a book of  a dystopian community in which a girl with a turned leg tries to survive in a hostile community. We are supposed to debate and create fake dialogues of characters based on their story and thoughts. We now have to make a guess of which character was Gerard trying to imitate and discuss it saying “I agree” or “I do not agree” before arguing.  

—Ok, good job, Gerard. What you guys think about it?—our literature teacher asks. I can see the four books of the children´s saga pilled over her desk. I guess we are discussing the whole class. I scratch my nose like it´s itching.  

—I agree, I think that the dialogue would be something that a leader of that community would say—a girl at the other side of the classroom observe—, and that´s actually a good description of the community´s thinking in one speech. You even caught Lois Lowry´s writting style.

—I agree—another person says.  

—I also do, but, is that something that a leader would really say? I mean, the female character that -what was her name again? Ah, Vandara- stole Kira´s home at the beginning did suggest that Kira should be dead, for she had a turned leg and rules established that any imperfection like that made her useless and didn´t deserve to be alive. But I don´t think that Vandara would understand the whole reason of it, to the point in which she would say “if they manage to be alive, they´d wish to be dead”.

—I don´t agree—another person says. I turn back, it is Elijah—, because it isn´t like the whole community is like stupid and thoughtless. They do have kinda logic that is appealing to the first human instincts and needs. To be functional and practical, I guess.

The teacher frowns and I can see half of our class is doing the same. But the other half is nodding. I feel my head hot.

—Well, Elijah, I´m not sure that´s the message the author wanted to give.

—I agree—Gerard says—In the first book of the saga, The Giver, the uthopyan society also have rules according to their needs of being practical. They also kill babies if they are weak of if they don´t seem to be suitable to grow up in the society. And they are supposed to be the “good society”.

—Oh, my God—A girl says.

—”I do not agree”, Allison—the teacher corrects.

—I don´t agree. You are saying that they had a good reason when they wanted to kill Gabe just because he was too energetic and learning took him a little bit more than other babies?

I nod and I raise my hand. Though my teacher seems to want to participate, she lets me speak first.

—Is that a human need, Elijah?—I ask, out of rage—To kill those who won´t fit? To see them as they are a nuisance and useless...

—I didn´t mean that—Elijah says—I just say that they wanted to be practical and, as Gerard said, the uthopyan society also got rid of those who didn´t work for them and you see, they gave the old ones a good life before realising them of age... so it is not that not practical people are a nuisance, it is just that they need people that worked.

—Like they were objects that “functions”—I say smiling, being sarcastic—Then, if humans follow their instincts and their practical needs, hospitals shouldn´t exist, should they?

Elijah rolls his eyes.  

—But we´re not talking about real life. It´s just a book and this is just an analyzing exercise.

—I don´t agree—I answer—Do you know why this book was awarded a lot? It is the same reason why all audiovisual materials and books are somehow sold, because books reflects real life, our thoughts, desires and regrets. Lois Lowry´s books reflects exactly that people of our “real world” think different people are a nuisance and useless. The only difference is that they wouldn´t say it out loud.

—People are not killed even if they don´t seem to fit—Elijah answers all red, because he cannot say anything else. Books reflecting real life is the first and one saying of our teacher. I can see her smiling at me, though worried.

—But people wished w-they were dead. And it´s because their inner and most primitive need of being practical.... So I agree with you.

Everyone keeps silence. I discussed hard, but I ended up accepting what they say. I agree, the world is like that, but it makes me feel angry. Real world that hates non-fitted people angers me. It shouldn´t be that way, but it is. That´s why people abandon their ill children and their grandparents, that´s why they can´t talk about mental illnesses without being uncomfortable or making fun of it somehow. That´s why I couldn´t say that I´m one of those who don´t fit and probably won´t never fit.

—If it is about being unable of working....—Mizuki mumbles—Last year I was through a hard family problem. An uncle that I loved died... And I didn´t feel like coming to school, sleeping or even eating. I wasn´t “functional” for the society, not even for myself. It was like I was completely empty... I had no reason to live. But I was helped by my f-friend Morgan... and though it took me a while to come back to me... I manage to do it with her help and my family´s. I have no idea if I´m functional for the society right now, or if I ever will... But I´m enough for myself. I worth for myself and that´s all I need to deserve life. And no one else has the right to say the opposite. I´m worthy... Kira is, and so all the ill babies and grandparents who “don´t fit”. I don´t think other´s life is a matter of agreeing or not. I´m sorry, Elijah, but I don´t agree.

I see down the floor. I want to sob and hug my best friend, but, at the same time, I wish I could run away without telling everyone that my brains is not functioning well and that sometimes I fear that I won´t be of any use to the society. Everyone claps at Mizuki and she seats down comfortably. I never lied when I said I love her... I just wish I could think the same as her and think that I´m worthy. I peered to the street and I can see the tall building of the psychiatric hospital in which mom works. I bet she also thinks each and all of the people with mental illnesses worth it. But if it´s that so, why can´t I feel I worth it?