Heart of Steel

I became aware that I was lying on my back, and that although my body was not in pain, it felt very heavy. My lids and feet took a few moments to respond to my brain’s command to move. Finally, I was able to curl my toes very slightly, and then open my eyes. As soon as I did, I was met with a blinding light that caused me to blink several times and recoil into the pillow my head was resting on as quickly as my neck muscles would let me. As it came into focus, I recognized the light as the kind you would see in the ceiling of a Doctor’s Office or Hospital… a big fluorescent square in the middle of several ugly off white, chalky looking ceiling tiles. I heard a startled gasp and turned my neck slowly towards the noise to find a lady in royal blue cotton pants and a matching shirt with words stitched into the top left corner that said St. Vincent’s Medical Center. Scrubs my brain supplied. What nurses and medical assistants wear. She had light brown hair that was pulled back into a ponytail and a glittery purple necklace-type thing around her neck. At the end of it was a badge with the same symbol that was on her shirt, her picture, and the words “Krystal Netting, RN” on it. Her name. She’s a nurse. Her light blue eyes were extremely round, and her eyebrows were raised in shock. She extended her hand towards the railing of the bed I was lying in as I followed it with my eyes, wondering what she was about to do. She pushed a red square button with a white cross on it on the inside of the rail, just a couple of inches from my arm, and a few seconds later, a voice protruded out of the bed. "Help desk, how may I assist you?" said the bodiless voice. "Get Dr. Mooney in here now! Miss Wilson is awake!" Krystal practically shouted. Miss Wilson… that stirred something in my brain... Your name. That's your name. I heard the calm voice from somewhere deep in my brain. Oddly enough, it also felt like it was originating from my chest. But it was the same voice that had fabricated the knowledge of the clothes and the identification of the nurse standing in front of me, and I automatically trusted it. "Can you speak?" Krystal said, her eyes softening as she looked into mine. She then grabbed something off a hook hanging on the wall behind my bed without looking away from me. I opened my mouth to try, and I suddenly became aware of how dry my throat was. I promptly closed my mouth and tried wetting the top with my tongue as Krystal opened the round gray device with a strange crackling noise and then fastened it tightly around my upper left arm, which was the one she had been standing closest to. It had a long slender tube protruding from it that connected to a large machine nearby. She clicked a button on the machine, causing a strong pressure to engulf my arm. She's checking your blood pressure. Said the mysterious voice. You should try speaking again. I opened my mouth and, after a couple of attempts, managed to croak out one word. "Wa— wa – water." The nurse shook her head from side to side quickly, a sympathetic look crossing her face. “I'm sorry Miss Wilson, I can't give you anything to eat or drink until Dr. Mooney checks you out." she said. She had a round, kind looking face, a little bit of a high-pitched voice, and small crinkles around the outside of her eyes. She looked to be about in her mid-thirties. I nodded slightly in understanding while I began to ponder how old I was. You remember your 18th birthday. Your parents bought you a new cobalt blue Mustang to replace the used white one they had bought from your cousin on your 16th. You also remember that your mom took you to get your nails and hair done, just like she had done every year since you turned 14. As I listened to the voice, I closed my eyes and pictures and feelings began to pop up in my mind. I saw the two Mustangs and felt a burst of excitement upon seeing the blue one, remembering that it had been exactly what I had wanted. I saw my mother's beautiful face, with her bright green eyes, button nose and plump lips as she sat next to me in a large leather chair, her small slender feet enveloped in bubbling water as they moved around inside a basin attached to her chair. I even remembered the warm feeling of my feet soaking in a basin identical to hers, and thinking at that time of how good it felt to finally get to spend some alone time with her. She had the brightest smile that illuminated her already gorgeous facial features. For some reason, there seemed to be an aura of sadness around the memories of my mother that I couldn't quite understand. Longing. You miss her. I... missed her? But why? How long had it been since I had seen her? How long had I been in this bed? Had I been asleep the whole time? And why was I here? Why did my body feel like it was all but tethered to the bed I was lying in? How come – "Miss Wilson! How are you feeling?" came a deep but lively voice from the doorway across the room, interrupting my frantic wanderings. It came from a tall, dark skinned man with a short scruffy beard and curly black hair. He was wearing rectangular glasses and had another medical device around his neck, the small ends of which he began to place inside his ears as he walked toward my bed. It's a stethoscope. He's going to use it to check your heartbeat, and probably your lungs too. You should answer his question. "Thirsty." I said in a quiet, scratchy voice. He nodded as he placed the stethoscope over my chest, bringing my attention for the first time to the thin white and blue speckled gown I was wearing. It almost felt like it was made from the same material as the white sheet that was draped over me. "Krystal, could you get her some ice water please?" said the Doctor as he let go of his stethoscope and pulled a tiny black cylindrical tube out of his pocket. "Right away, sir." said Krystal, giving me a warm smile as she backed out of the room. I watched her go, then recoiled suddenly as a light even brighter than the one above my head shot straight into my left eye. "Look up at me, please, Miss Wilson." said Dr. Mooney. I obeyed but shot him an annoyed look because the light was bright enough without me looking directly into it. He observed my eye closely, then moved the light to the other one and observed it, too. I tried my best to keep my eyes from instinctively closing and my hands from trying to reach out and shove him away. I just wanted water and answers to the many questions swirling around in my head. The Doctor plucked a plastic clipboard from between his upper arm and torso and unhooked the pen from the top of it, pressed the top of the pen, then began scribbling on the paper that was attached to the clipboard. "Can you move your hands?" he asked, transferring his attention from the clipboard back to me. I looked down, willing myself to pick my hands up off the sheet where they were laying. It felt like an invisible force was working against me as I focused all my willpower on my arms and hands. Easy. Small movements to start with. Try focusing on curling your fingers for now. I mentally rolled my eyes at the instructional voice, but obeyed nonetheless, taking a deep breath, and envisioning my fingers slowly moving inward towards my palms. They twitched slightly, then began moving inward centimeter by centimeter. I felt my forehead break out in a cold sweat as I concentrated with all my might on my feeble efforts. "Good, that's enough for now." said the Doctor, lightly patting my left shoulder and breaking my concentration. I let out a sharp breath and raised my head slightly to look at him. He was smiling down at me, apparently satisfied. I wasn't, but it seemed to take an enormous amount of mental and physical effort to make that tiny bit of progress. Ugh!! This is so frustrating! I thought. "Don't worry. You've been unconscious for almost six months. That was a great stride, whether you realize it right now or not. You're going to have to be patient with yourself." said Doctor Mooney with an understanding gaze. I gave him a small nod and closed my eyes for a few seconds, trying to process everything that was happening without having a single clue why I was here. When I opened my eyes, Krystal was reentering the room with a large clear plastic cup full of ice water. It had a green lid with a clear plastic straw sticking out of it. She walked up to me and held the cup out, bending the straw towards my mouth so I could take a sip. I hated that I couldn't just grab the stupid thing and hold it on my own, but I opened my mouth and allowed her to bring the straw closer, then sucked in a small mouthful of freezing cold water. It felt glorious and terrible at the same time, as I was so thirsty, but the temperature contrasted drastically with the inside of my mouth and throat. With another great effort, I swallowed the ice cold liquid and closed my eyes once more, letting out another frustrated breath. I wanted to make sense of this situation, but I was so tired in every way. I felt my consciousness fading, but my need to know what was going on suddenly reigned over the rest of my feelings. "Wh – What... happ..ened?" I said, craning my neck as far as I could to look Krystal in the eyes. She glanced at Dr. Mooney inquisitively, and I saw him shake his head very slightly behind her. I didn't need to take my eyes off of her; I could see his blurry image in the background. Her eyes met mine once again, and she said one simple word, seemingly trying to convey sympathy with her facial expression. "Later."