Crave You: A Novel

Chapter 9

                                                                                          Kayla

"That's me", he says, smiling, as his dimples push, lopsided.

I nod at him and look away to hug myself. To hold me in front of him who was making me flutter inside.

"I didn't think I would see you here, again," I told him after I pressed my lips. It was better to distract me this way when I was facing him.

"I come here often,"

"Really?"

"Yeah, I mean, I've been a regular here for a year,"

"Oh, I see." I think this was the best I knew how to respond before we stood in silence for some seconds. Until I heard him asking me, "So, wanna have the cup now?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Coffee, do you want to grab a cup of coffee with me now?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm leaving,"

"Please, stay. I promise I won't keep you late. Besides, you look like you need to unwind yourself,"

"What? I look like that?" I squinted at him while snorting a laugh - small and meek. I wonder what else Scott was trying to see through me. My face, which felt, sticky and morose, was just for me to keep to myself. It wasn't meant for him to point out what I look in front of him.

"I didn't mean it like that. I'm just assuming that's all, and perhaps, we could catch up on what happened in the morning," Scott said, what sounds like, he was gentle and careful as I saw him shifting himself, sheepishly, as he moved away from the cafe's doorway.

I could only think about the moonlight. The way it was shining on him. The way it partially fell on his skin, which highlighted his jaw and peppered his stubble in the pleasant night.

I don't want to talk about myself what I did and what he saw that morning. If anything, thinking about Nathan, makes me feel more anxious. And Scott presumes I can just open up like others who find solace in a stranger.

I don't know what I should do. Wouldn't this seem bizarre? Why would I want to talk about it with Scott in person? If we were on Reddit, chatting like this, I think, this would have been different. I would have just hugged my penguin plushie and typed away my demons freely.

"That morning? What's there to talk about? As I said, I was just struggling to cut through. I didn't know, while doing so, I would garner attention," I told him, smiling unnecessarily as I clutched the strap, squeezing it tightly. I was trying to be persuasive here. To mask my misery that I don't want to just blurt it out. Though, I felt, I wanted to stand there, with him, a little longer. I don't know why I was thinking like this. I just know I'm not yet ready to run off.

"Kayla, I don't believe cutting a tart that simple would be hard. Dendron makes crispy ones. If I tell him, he would shake the whole place to know how this happened,"

"Dendron?"

"The owner of the cafe here." Scott's eyes glinted under the neon lights. I looked away after he arched his eyebrows and put his hands in his pockets.

"I don't know what you want me to say,"

"I don't want you to say anything. I only want to see if you're okay." How can a stranger like him sound so convincing? It's so comforting that I want to hug him immediately. That I want to bury myself in his smell and keep my head on his chest. Like I want to lose myself, hear his heartbeat, forgetting what mine sounds like.

"Well, Scott, I think you're reading me too much," I could only say this. I didn't like what I said, but I genuinely meant it. Oddly he was making me uneasy. In a way, I shouldn't be feeling at all.

"Then, Kayla, prove me wrong." He said, suave, in a whisper. I almost want to force myself to sit with him. Am I willing to? This is one night anyway and maybe, I don't want to be alone in my home now.

So I decided and said, "I'll stay for coffee." Scott grinned. He moved to make way for me. He extends his hand. He showed me where we could sit.

I see he wanted us to sit there where I sat earlier. The very first time I visited this cafe. That spot where I met him.

After he went inside, I tried to make myself comfortable. I shifted in my seat anxiously. My heart raced like I was anticipating something. The tingle inside my chest didn't settle down. I curled my fists in my lap and looked at the cafe. Then, around me. Now, no one remained in sight.

I rubbed my shoulders. I tried to remain calm. This looks silly. For the first time, I look silly. It's been a long time since I ever felt like staying up late.

I saw Scott return with a tray. From afar, he smiled at me while two small cups brimmed in their place.

He plucked one and carefully kept it in front of me. He moved opposite to me and settled with his steaming cup.

When finally both of us looked at each other, the steam wafting in the night, had me concentrate on what was in front of me.

"So," he began, "that morning,"

I exhaled deeply and placed my cheek in my hand. My elbow can't support me for long but my feelings ignored that.

"Can I trust you?"

"Kayla," Scott leaned forward. He wrapped his hands around his cup like he wanted to reach me and wrap his hands around mine. I imagined if this happens, how would I react? But, I didn't get the time to fully hope for it when he said, "believe me, you already do,"

"You're outrageously confident. That's very bold of you to say like that. What if I don't?"

"Then I know, you are trying to trust me. Tell me, aren't you?" He tilted his head and tipped back. His charm stayed right where I found it amusing to glimpse at. That's what made me ask myself - if he's someone I can rest my head on his shoulder for tonight.

But, that would be too soon. I decided I don't want to give him the obvious answer. That would make me look weak. Right now, I was weak already but not too weak, to not sit here and cry.

"As I said, it's nothing. It's just, um, some things with work. For quite a while, I've been struggling to make myself believe I can seal the deal. That I can handle it without feeling distracted. But, I guess my worry became true," I chuckled at myself as I bit my lip and shook my head.

"Distracted? What is it that made you distract? Or rather who?"

"Well, Scott, there are a lot of things going on in my mind. Let's say, I don't want to think about it but I can't help think about it,"

"You wouldn't make it easy for me?"

"That's right, Scott. Other than this, you can keep guessing and I'll say whether you got me right or not,"

"Okay, this is going to be this way, huh. I can respect that. We'll get there,"

"Sure, go ahead,"

"So, uh, what you said about work, I'm guessing you're in the sales line?"

"Yeah," I lied. It's not completely a lie. I'm just, protecting my identity. I was enjoying being someone elusive, who wants to live this night as a different person.

"I've dabbled in sales before. For me, it was frightening. It used to be putting your best blazer when you've to schmooze your way, grab that attention and try to bring the client. I get it. For two years, I didn't like the job. I did what I had to do just like everyone else in the department. I remember my colleague asking me, " Are you happy with what you're doing?"

The last sentence twinges me. It twinges me like nothing. Like a void that choked me. It was something I felt I thought I could live, answering it instantly and not finding myself at the moment with Scott. If only Nathan was in front of me, this could've sounded differently.

"Then what did you say?"

"I didn't know how to respond to that. I just smiled, said good night, and went home. But I thought, is this something I'm willing to do the rest of my life?"

"Then you switched,"

"I didn't. I stuck around. I wanted to see if I could find some answer to the question put to me. Eventually, I found it,"

"Let me ask you what your colleague asked. Are you happy with what you're doing now?"

"You go first,"

I stared at him blankly. This is a question I've no doubt it would take time for me before I could reply. It's just the support I don't have from the one who is distant from me.

Nathan and I argued over the risk and investment of starting the business. After much conflict, I went with my decision anyway. Though, it doesn't make me happy. Because this establishment I dreamt of, didn't start on a good note.

"I'm happy, Scott. I'm satisfied with my job," I replied, not looking at him. This has to do for me when I'm here.

"No, you're not," He took a sip and looked carefully at me. He was waiting patiently for me. Like no one I've ever been with. Or had someone look me intensely in the eyes and wait for me, somber.

"What makes you say that?"

"Your energy. That vibe isn't completely shining from you,"

"Are you a psychic too?"

"Do you want me to?"

"That would make it much more fun for me."

"I can make it if you want," He said, smiling smugly as he drummed the table softly. I couldn't help reminiscing the time I felt with Nathan.

Happy. Giddy. And I remember the eagerness to hear his voice. Now, these are all replaced with empty, silent, dead emotions.

"Wow, I'm interested. How are you going to do that?"

"It's easy, Kayla. Keep staring into my eyes. I'll be able to tell you much more about you." Scott said, smiling cockily at his way of attempting in teasing me.

"Your eyes are beautiful, but I think you would be no fun," I trailed before taking a sip from my cup. It's unbelievable when I say it out loud. It sounds like I said with an effort, what's in front of me rather than what it sounds like in my head.

"My eyes are beautiful? You do notice,"

"You think I didn't notice that?" I said, with a passion I was trying not to tell myself repeatedly. This confidence I was showing is daunting.

When you share a bond with someone, you understand how difficult it is to move on. For me, it's the situation I don't want to be in. At least for now.

"I think," Scott replied, putting a napkin to his mouth before continuing, "I, very well, have no doubt, it's not just my eyes you like,"

"What would you say about it if I admit?"

"I can't say anything until I know what your scene is, specifically," Scott tapped his cup, lightly, while looking at me, teasing, like he wanted to get in my world. Study me, without me in concealing many details.

As the night deepens, my mind slips in a hole too. My emotion threatens to erupt out of me. The feeling I've repressed for a long time. But, I'm not sure whether being vulnerable in front of Scott can get me out to make myself feel light.

I brace myself in front of him and clutch my cup for the support I need. I can't help recall the night I subconsciously led myself into the little maze.

I, inadvertently, walked further into the unknown paths, to the left, in the dark. But, not too dark. I would say, it was dim to see what I shouldn't have seen.

Nathan was puffing a cloud of smoke. The string lights moved lightly with the breeze. Julia stood leaning against the bush patch, staring amusingly at him like there's no other she wants to think. I heard her red lips move. A soft whisper-like voice that sounded seductive, "Days like that? You mean you miss hanging out with me?"

Nathan's eyes didn't move from the starry sky. He put his hand down and answered, "I don't miss us any more. I only wish I could distract myself. That's what I miss, Julia. With you, it seemed possible,"

"Like what?"

"Want me to elaborate, huh?" Nathan chuckled.

"Why not?" Julia curved her lips suggestively. It seemed as if both of them were skimming each other's thoughts without looking.

What seemed like a lifetime, I thought the time couldn't move any slower. Until Nathan looked down and said, "Like, I could feel, I can enjoy those kinds of moments. You know, that I can live, how the ecstasy inside me, wants to desperately unleash," He looked down. Straight into her intense gaze that didn't falter, as much as I wanted to shut my eyes and run. But, I couldn't. Because I want to know what Nathan wanted to say. And that's what I did. I heard him say, "I didn't have to think about Kayla. Now, I'm bound to think about her. When she's around me, I feel like, I don't know, hollow? Like, is this what it is supposed to be?

Our relationship used to be different. I used to like her. Now, I just wish, she skips to the next room. That I could be alone." He emphasized the last words, heavily that Nathan doesn't know I still understand him. It hurts me more when he's saying all this to Julia. To someone, who's between me and Nathan.

"Nathan, I get you. I understand you don't want to hunker down in something that doesn't make you feel happy," Julia sauntered toward Nathan. The sight froze me when she placed her hand on his chest and said mischievously, "You know, we're still friends. You don't have to stop talking to me."

The gaze between them was electrifying. Like something, I couldn't fix. I couldn't move because my body stopped me. I couldn't feel the pang because I was pushing myself to give myself in.

I was numb. I felt still. It was like a bubble I didn't want to chase after. But, I forced myself to pull myself out of my stupor, because Nathan and Julia cannot do this to me.

I came out of the bludgeoned shadow. Nathan and Julia saw me with wide eyes, before jumping away from each other's embrace.

"How did you get in here?" Nathan asked me, frantically, squishing the stub under his feet.

"It's a public maze, Nathan. I don't think it was mentioned that this was private."

"I didn't mean that way, Kayla,"

"Oh, did you mean I interrupted something,"

"Kayla, chill, Nathan and I were just talking," Julia said casually, bored before her eyes returned to Nathan.

"Julia, I'm talking to my husband. But I think you should leave," I said sharply. I didn't know my legs were trembling. Watching both of them, together again, made me feel I was the third wheel. I was the one who shouldn't have barged in.

This scene irked me in a blaze, in a fire that threatened to consume me wholly. I think I was when my gaze remained stoic at both of them.

Julia looked at Nathan as if she didn't want to leave. She nodded her head and said, "Goodnight, Nathan. It was nice, catching up with you after a long time," She turned toward me, smirking. A victory that felt like she was determined to have her territory. Unabashed. Unfazed.

She swayed away from the area. Nathan and I were standing close. Though it felt, we were far from each other under the yellow glittering lights. To me, it was like we were back on the empty ground, where Nathan can easily slip away from me.

"Why do you have to make everything a big deal out of it," Nathan asked, looking annoyed.

"I'm not making a big deal out of it,"

"I was chatting with her, okay. Just chatting,"

"Uh-huh. Is this some kind of new way to talk with a friend? Placing hands on chest, touching hips,"

"Kayla, stop it!" Nathan screamed at me. I didn't flinch. The vibration should've made me move away. But I didn't. I wanted to look into his eyes and make him tell me the truth. Instead of Julia.

"Scream as much as you want, Nathan, this doesn't change the fact what you and Julia were talking about. I forgive you, despite what happened between you two. I gave you this second chance, for us, to begin again,"

"Kayla, you should also know, I don't feel obligated to tell you everything that I feel. It's also not good, that you sneaked on me, that you heard me what I was sharing with my friend,"

"That friend you should be cautious around, Nathan. You're not immature that I've to tell you about this!"

"Don't tell me how I should be around with my friends!"

"Listen to yourself, Nathan, what you're saying,"

"I'm telling you because you're complicating things for us, Kayla!"

The impact of the drink carried me woozy. I was opening my wound more. I was exposing my frustration in the air. Letting it corrode, rust, and in the dirt.

I couldn't control myself any longer. The veins pulsed a flaring rage inside me. Throughout my body, I could feel the sensation, that force, to hurt Nathan, the way I was surprising myself.

I grabbed him by his sleeve. I took him out of the undulating path. I was more than livid. I was feeling everything that told me to stop. The voice in my head whispered to me - stop before it's too late. I did listen to my inner voice. But I didn't stop tugging him.

I looked at Scott, exhaling it out. It feels like I went through that moment today.

"Kayla, what's going on in your pretty head?" Scott asked me when I saw him searching for my attention.

I smiled at that. I smiled because it was funny. I wanted to let myself gleam at my anguish. My failure. If I'm losing this, I need to see how I'm losing it. Sitting here with Scott is exactly what I was feeling. An escape, I didn't know, I could leap on. Especially after my risque imagination about him.

This is real. He's real. And I was keeping my hands to myself.

"You, asking me about my scene. I can only tell you, that's far from it. You've to earn it,"

"What can I do to earn it,"

"I don't think you must ponder. We aren't going to keep bumping on each other," I stirred the liquid aimlessly. It was like admitting to a defeat, I'm afraid to agree.

All these things were strange. So strange. But, with this man, I felt less strange. It was like I could feel a little bit myself when I'm not stressing about Nathan or when I want to think about the things I want to relive.

"Life gets by when you don't see it. That's when you realize you don't want to move on."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, Kayla, I would be the man who can't be moved. Heard this song?" He said before he wiped his mouth. Those lips that I dreamt of, was enough for me to say, I was being weird or crazy to stay. I can't let myself entice into the moment again, like in the afternoon it happened.

"The cafe is about to close. We should leave,"

"Right," Scott took the cup from me. He was being so gracious, so caring, so curious, that, I wish, Nathan could be like him. It's far from it. And I've to live with what I've.

I scoot to my car quickly. I take a deep breath and ease myself. I was thankful, Scott was inside the cafe. He didn't have to see me like this.

"Leaving without me?" Scott jogged saying it out loud. I swerved and rested my arm on the hood. I smile despite feeling tired and dismayed. His impish grin and his soft presence just lit something in me. I had to push the thought, deep inside my heart. Bury it quickly till I didn't feel this pain.

"No, I was...waiting for you," it almost seemed like a dream when I said it.

I stared into his blue eyes. I couldn't hide my blush from him when I touched my cheek. I pretended I had something on my face. I avert him just as quickly I am mesmerized by his gaze.

"Goodnight, Scott," I said, pressing my lips nervously.

Scott inched closer to me. I couldn't move. I stood where my soles ached. I stayed where my heartbeat was. He leaned forward and asked, "Is it okay if I can hug you?"

I looked at him, gulping my anticipation down before replying, "Sure,"

He hugged me tightly as I pulled him close. His hands stayed on the back of my shoulders, on my spine, like a true gentleman. I felt his warmth in the body that pressed me. I felt safe in his arms. That, I don't want to pull from his embrace. I buried myself in his chest. Whiffing a mild vanilla scent from his body, I pulled myself from him before it looked awkward to either of us. I regained my consciousness and reminded myself, I can't think about him like that.

"Meet me again, Kayla," Scott held me in his arms. His fingers sliding down my skin, made me shiver.

"This is supposed to be it, for us. One coffee, only."

"Doesn't have to be. I would like to meet you again, here."

"Why?" My voice came out almost like a sigh.

"Because we aren't done yet." He said, wheezy and hopeful. Like, the night has just begun.

I don't know what got into me. I moved forward and kissed his cheek lightly. He looked at me in surprise but afterward, I saw him smile ardently. He asked, "Will you?"

This isn't right. I look at him unsure. The words stop me from saying it. As much as I want to, hopefully, what I'm about to say, I don't regret it.