How I Wish

Dawn

I woke up scared of what this day would bring. I just violated my best friends trust! What the hell was I thinking? How could I have told Xavier that?

Trent rolled over beside me, stretching his limbs. His arms reached out for me as he blindly searched the bed. His grip on my arm solidified as he pulled me closer, burying his head into my chest.

"Good morning," he rasped as he nuzzled my breast with his face, rubbing his lips over my shirt, teasing my n*****s.

"Good morning," I giggled running my hand through his hair, relaxing into the bed.

"I've been patient," he muttered into my chest.

"Meaning?" I urged.

"This friend code s**t. I've been patient while you both supported each other. But I want you to myself now. Its spring break and I would like to spend some of it with my girl friend." His lazy green eyes stared up at me.

I bit my tongue and nodded my head. He was right, it was time we spent this trip doing something together.

We decided that it would be better to walk down to the beach rather than drive. This way we could be together all day without having to head back because someone needed the car. We walked in silence, and it was the happiest I've been since arriving. I didn't have to worry about anything and it felt good. Having him beside me felt right, and I was happy.

The beach was slightly crowded but we luckily found a spot. "I use to come here with my mom" he smiled as he unpacked the food. "She use to force me into the water or bribe me to take a swim with her." he remembered leaning back and looking out into the waves.

"Is this your first time back since she passed?" I questioned quietly.

"No, I come as much as I can. When I miss her, you know?" he turned to me now for understanding and I nodded. "He hasn't been back though. I think it's too much for him."

"Your dad?" I clarified.

"Yeah, him" he took a bite of his sandwich as glanced down at the blanket in thought.

I settled in beside him, being careful not to push him too much. I wanted to ask more questions but with Trent, if you pushed too much he shuts down.

"TRENT?" came a high pitch voice.

My head turned to the direction of the girl as I shaded my eyes from the sun. I rolled my eyes when I finally found her, looking down at the blanket this time. She was blonde and busty - his type.

"Tiffany" Trent smiled hopping to his feet a little too fast for my liking. Right at this moment, I wished we had just decided to stay in bed and eat there.

"How are you? I haven't seen you in years!" She giggled angelically.

"Stop exaggerating. It's been a few months," he agreed laughing whole-heartedly. It was one of his rare laughs, the ones he gave when he was genuinely happy. Maybe I was just paranoid but I usually got the 'oh your ignorance is so cute' laugh.

"Trent" someone else called and I turned to look this time because it sounded like a guy. His platinum blond hair contrasted his chocolate brown eyes.

"Tory," Trent laughed. "I was wondering where your other half was, Tiff"

"The three T's are back together" Tiffany giggled once more. She was all smiles and sunshine.

"Oh guys, I want you to meet my girl friend Leigh" Trent gestured towards me and I froze. I wasn't expecting an introduction like that.

"Oh, hi" they both said at the same time with genuine friendly smiles. Then I realized they were twins.

"Hi" I smiled and waved, turning my head back to the waves.

For the rest of the day we all hung out and I began to warm up to Tory. We sat and talked about Trent and how energetic and happy he was when he was smaller.

"We got in all kinds of trouble. I almost drowned once," Tory laughed taking a chip into his mouth. "But Trent pulled me out and cleaned me up before our parents found out. But of course, Tiffany still told" Tory rolled his eyes.

"How old were you guys?"

"I think around 10 but I could be wrong."

He continued to talk about all their mischiefs but I couldn't focus because I was straining to hear what Tiffany and Trent were talking about behind me. They seemed like best friends but I couldn't peel my attention away from them.

"How has that been?" She asked him

"Hard, but it gets easier once you organize your time."

"I don't know how you do it... work and keep your grades up." She acknowledged.

"It's not easy" he nodded. He seemed so relaxed and comfortable talking to her.

"I bet. You just seem so different since your mom passed."

"How?" He laughed again. "I'm still the same me."

"Really? I don't see you anymore, you never come around here, you never call, you're dating a black girl, you changed your hair, you don't-"

"Wait, what? What does Leigh have to do with this?" Trent paused.

"It's an observation Trent. Relax. See you're all defensive now. You've changed." Tiffany giggled.

I tuned out of their conversation as I looked down at my arm. The dark shade of brown stood out to me more clearly than it ever had. Then it hits me; white people surrounded me this whole time, except for Ashlee. I mean how can I not see it? How did I not see it?

I was black and Trent was white. I was my mother.

I stood to my feet as the shock hit me. This wasn't me. I was trying to combine two worlds that could never work and now it gave opportunities to people like Tiffany to judge me. I grabbed my bag and turned to the curious eyes staring at me, two in particular.

"Ashlee texted me. She needs me. You stay here and catch up with... your friends. Bye" I smiled. I didn't want to say 'it was nice meeting you' because it wasn't. I didn't like her. And it was about time to stopped fooling myself.

The walk back to the house seemed longer than this morning but when I made it, I threw my bag down at the door and kicked off my shoes.

"Where's your home training?" Yale asked me.

"Go f**k yourself" I muttered to her.

"Excuse me! You know who I am right? You need me to be on good terms with my brother." She rolled her neck at me.

"f**k you and your brother" I threw at her as I exited through the glass doors to the back. Everyone else crowded around the fire except Ashlee who was walking the beach line, and Xavier who sat on a log away from everyone watching her.

I joined him quietly, staring out into the sky as the sun settled.

"She didn't tell me." Xavier muttered to me, his eyes still on Ashlee. "If she wanted me to know she would have told me but she didn't."

"So your just not gonna do anything?" I grumbled as I fought to think of people other than myself.

"No, I will. I'll figure out how to support her as much as I can." His fingers clamped together as he rested them against his forehead. "Do you know how hard it is for me to not march over there and demand that she listens to me?"

I knew him. "I know" I nodded.

"I want what she wants," he muttered to himself as he closed his eyes. "I want what she wants," He repeated.

I sighed and rested my head against his shoulder. "Did you know I was black?" I slurred as I glanced down at my nails.

"You don't say." Xavier muttered sarcastically. "Did you just find out, or...?"

"I knew. I mean of course I did, but it didn't seem to matter that much to me and weirdly, I couldn't see it. But today this girl... Trent's friend... mentioned it and now I realize. I'm black."

"His friends?" Xavier wondered.

"The twins"

"Oh. You met Tiffany. She doesn't really like me very much" Xavier laughed.

I sighed into his chest as his arm held me tighter, comforting me.

"They dated. He dumped her after his mom passed. She's jealous. Problem solved." Xavier kissed my forehead.

"But I'm not his type and I knew that from the beginning but here we are and he's calling me his girl friend and everything seems perfect. But I'm black. And the one that doesn't belong and I knew this, I did. I did."

He said nothing. And we just sat there, each having our own problems but each searching for comfort within each other.

I lay in bed between Ashlee and Jess' unconscious bodies as I stared up at the ceiling wondering what I was going to do. I heard the bedroom door open and Trent quietly whispering my name but I remained still and quiet. He closed the door and I turned over on my stomach, forcing myself into sleep.