The Dark Wolf

     It was a typical hot August day.  Embry dragged herself along, with her two small, 3 year old girls in tow. As she drove she let out a stressed sigh as her twins once again bickered with each other   "she touched me!!” Kira exclaimed “Stop touching me!!” she yelled.   “But Mom she looked at me!!" McKenna justified in a whiny voice.   Before they could get any further, I interrupted them and as patiently but firmly as I could, told them, "keep your hands to yourself” and  “it's ok if your sister looks at you"   Then I quickly changed the subject. "are you girls excited to go see Aunty Ania?”   "Yes!!" the girls chanted in unison, something they did often.   Kira, technically the second born, was the adventurous one, running head on to see the world. She was bright, inquisitive and always asking "why". Embry’s first-born McKenna followed Kira everywhere and echoed her sister's questions and actions. Most days it was all I could do to keep up with them both.   In all honesty, I had not planned to be a mother so young. But I had made the mistake of trusting a man who broke my heart. Thinking that if I gave him the family he wanted, that somehow, he would see value in me and would stay with me.   I had learned long ago that the best way to get through life was to keep to yourself and trust no one. I even held back some with my friend Ania, which I felt guilty for. Through my whole childhood all I learned was to hide who I, to never show weakness. To go unnoticed. People never like who I really was on the inside. Whenever I would show a part of myself, they were quick to judge because it didn't meet their standards. There was less pain and heartache if I just pretended to be what they wanted. I constantly reminded myself, just stay unnoticed and don't speak your mind. Then when John came along I threw that rule out the window and gave him all of me, blissfully happy. He told me how much he loved me and wanted a family with me. That he would never leave me. I felt I had found "the one" because we enjoyed talking together, we got along pretty well and he pursued me. He told me how attractive I was and he seemed so innocent that I believed him. It was his innocence that drew me in, I thought if he was innocent that he would be faithful to me. That he could do no wrong. I guess a part of me knew he wasn't the one for me but I thought that if I was kind and willing to change, that we could grow together and strengthen our relationship. It worked for the most part, until the day he decided he decided I wasn't enough anymore. The day he made me realize my biggest fears by telling me that I was "too much, too negative, I didn't laugh enough, I wasn't what he thought I was, I was too serious". I tried to work on myself, I changed myself in every way. I got fit, running every day, I started wearing more makeup and trying to be sexy. I forced myself to laugh more and tease him to the point that I felt ridiculous, even when I was exhausted. But he still insisted that I wasn't happy enough. Everytime he had a request, I changed to make him happy. But it was never enough. Never in the right way. It made me feel so empty and alone. I started to realize that I would never be enough and so I withdrew again, just like in my teen years.  And in the end all the changes I made were all for nothing when he found a new woman and informed me that it just wasn't working out between us. It crushed me to my core. I wasn't enough. Never had been, never would be. In a way I had seen it coming, I cried and cried when I found out. I was angry and hurt. I knew the night when he picked up the other woman and I just chose to ignore it. I let all my emotions flow until I felt numb. I just didn't care anymore. I sunk into depression. And then he announced that he was leaving. I didn't want it to end and yet I was in so much pain that I was almost relieved when he told me. But I worried for my girls, not having a father now. But then there was Ania. Picking up the pieces of my broken life and refusing to leave me to wallow in self pity. She had stood with me and never judged. She brought me dinners when I was too depressed to cook. And got me hooked on all the best Netflix shows, which we binge watched together with the girls. Sometimes we would get coffee and breakfast in the mornings and then head over to the park with the girls to chat and watch them play. She was truly the kind of friend that you cherish. No matter how hard it was to get through the day, Ania always knew how to make me laugh and see the bright side of life. You could say that we were a little bit of trouble when we were together. We giggled like school girls, teased each other and just about died laughing at each other at times. She showed me how to laugh at myself and start to accept who I was on the inside and outside. Somehow, Ania seemed to always bring out my mischievous side.      The girls brought me back to reality with their bubbly giggles, at a dog licking the window in the car next to them. Even in my depressed mood, I couldn't help but chuckle with them.   As we pulled into the gym parking lot, my stomach was in knots. I didn't like meeting new people and I wasn't really fond of working out. I didn't really see the point, it wasn't like I was ever going to be a stunning model just because I worked out. But Ania had insisted that I learn self defense, since I'm all alone now. I thought about turning around and heading home, telling Ania that I couldn't find it but to my surprise as I looked up towards the gym door, there was Ania grinning from ear to ear and waving madly in excitement at her. Well crap. How did she always seem to know when I showed up somewhere? It was like she had this uncanny sense, like she could hear me and she would pop out of nowhere and run out to greet me. Her soft, shoulder length, red hair was tied up in a neat bun and her blue eyes shone against her light blue top which also offset her beautiful freckled skin. I admired her beauty and often wished I could look like her. I was not ugly, in fact a lot of guys found me attractive and would openly stare before deciding that I just wasn't what they were looking for. I had thick, wavy blonde hair, green eyes (which often got mistaken with blue which always bothered me because it meant that no one really took the time to know me). I also had freckled skin that always seemed too pale.   Ania started helping to unbuckle the girls. The girls were beyond excited to see "Aunty  Ania", "and how have my girls been?" Ania asked. "Have you been good for your mommy?"  "Yes!!" They both chanted back and forth, I rolled my eyes and gave Ania "the look that said, it's been questionable" and then Ania and I chuckled together.   "so, how've you been?" Ania asked "Did you get that email I sent you with the possible job opening?"  "Yes" I answered hesitantly, "but I think I'm going to pass".  "Oh, why?" She asked me.  "I just don't know if I'm ready for that and I feel bad not being with the girls for that long, I don't know" "I'm just not sure I'd be that good at it"  "well you know they do have child care there" she reminded me " you could still pop in and see the girls during your shift, and I know you would do great, besides I'll be there some of the time too" she said with a confident smile.  I knew she was right, and it wasn't like I didn't need the money. I was behind on rent and I couldn't afford daycare. I just wasn't sure I was ready to work. And Ania was being a little vague with the details of the job.   Pulling me out of my thoughts, Ania said "come on, I'll show you where the child room is, and then let's get some sweat on!!" I laughed nervously, and the butterflies I felt earlier doubled, I felt like I might be sick, but it was too late to back out now, so I reluctantly followed her into the gym.  That's when I saw him. He was turned away at the front of the class, writing something on the white board. I could just see the side of his face but for some reason I was drawn to him. He was a few inches taller than me, dark skin with a caramel undertone, several large tattoos covered his perfectly defined, agile muscles which could be seen under his simple t-shirt. Something about him almost intimidated me and yet there was something about his face, something that drew me in. His well-shaped mouth and defined jawline, his soft yet focused expression. All the sudden I found myself wishing he would look at me, which is totally unlike me, I'm happiest when no one see's me. Then to my surprise he lifted his eyes and looked at me like he had heard my thoughts. As his eyes fell on me, I was totally lost, I couldn't look away. I didn't want to. It was like by gazing into his eyes, I'd found a piece of myself that I never knew I was missing. His dark chocolate, almost black eyes stared all the way into my soul. I forgot everything else around me. It was like he could see my deepest fears and desires. All that I had been through and all that I wanted to be. But strangely I didn't feel nervous. I wanted him to see me and for a split second I let him in. His look quickly turned from surprise to longing, and then I was scared. I tore my eyes away, flushing in embarrassment and looking around me to see if anyone had noticed our exchange. Thankfully everyone seemed preoccupied and hadn't noticed. I rushed by him with one more quick glance only to find him looking at me in amusement! Ugh! How embarrassing!! Here I am a mother of two and I'm acting like I'm a young girl with a crush. What's wrong with me?? How ridiculous to have just met him, not even know his name and to think he could know me and accept me. Most likely he would try to flirt with me, think I was attractive, then see how broken and withdrawn I am, and he'll get tired of me and leave me alone. So I pulled myself together and carried McKenna into the playroom. Ania quickly introduced me to Lilly who would be watching the girls, she smiled and looked so excited to see both girls that it instantly put me at ease. The girls squealed in delight, waving a quick goodbye to me and running to the toys. I smiled; I had an idea I would be hard pressed to get them to leave afterwards.