Taste of Poison

Kabanata 17

Tainted

"When did you last visit this house?" tanong ni Azar nang makapasok kami sa dati naming bahay.

"Uh... three years ago?" nag-aalinlangan ang boses ko.

Umubo siya nang hinawi ang puting tela sa mahabang sofa roon. Tinakpan ko ang aking bibig at ilong gamit ang panyo nang nagsiliparan ang mga alikabok. Azar is wearing his usual outfit. Polo and jeans meanwhile, I'm wearing a skinny jeans and plain pink v-neck shirt with white shoes.

We slept and cuddle together last night after watching a movie. May damit siyang dala sa sasakyan niya kaya hindi na siya umuwi sa kaniyang bahay. We ate breakfast outside before going in here. Malayo sa siyudad ang bahay kaya naman mahigit isang oras din ang byahe namin.

He insisted to come with me so...

Lumapit ako sa kaniya nang akmang tatanggalan niya ng tela ang isa pang upuan.

"Itigil mo 'yan, Azar! Bakit mo ba tinatanggalan ng tela 'yan? Hindi tayo pumunta rito para langhapin iyang mga alikabok!" singhal kong nababahing na naman.

Sinunod naman niya ang sinabi ko.

Bumaling siya sa akin. "So we're here because?"

"I'll try to find some clue about my father. Baka may makita ako rito," sagot ko.

"You should've just asked your mother if that's the case, then..." normal niyang sinabi.

"E, 'di sana wala ako rito kung nakakuha ako ng sagot sa Mama ko, 'di ba?" sinabayan ko iyon ng pag-irap.

Tinikom niya ang kaniyang bibig. Napagtanto ang sinabi ko.

"You'll look for him?"

I thought of this after knowing he's still alive. Kaso ay wala naman akong alam tungkol sa kaniya. Gusto kong tanungin si Simeon ngunit kilala ko siya. He wouldn't waste his time helping me find our father who abandoned his family.

Ako naman... gusto ko siyang makita. A lot of whys are playing inside my head. Hindi ako matatahimik hangga't hindi iyon nasasagot. Isa pa... I don't want to live in regret. If there's a way to find him, then I'll do it. And if he would still abandon me for the second time, I would not waste my energy anymore. At least I did my part as his daughter.

I nodded. "Yes... I'm planning to find him, Az. For twenty-five years, siguro naman ay karapatan kong makilala siya, 'di ba? Deserve ko naman siguro 'yon..." sabi ko sa mahinang boses.

Bumuntong hininga siya. "I don't want to meddle with your decisions so, I will just help you."

Lumapit siya roon sa tukador. I just followed him with my stares.

"How about you? Wala kang plano?"

Umiling siya. "I tried to find him but failed miserably. I was at your age, too, when I started looking for him. Kalaunan ay sumuko rin ako," he flicked his tongue inside his mouth. 

I shrugged. "Maybe he has a good reason why your father left. Everything happens for a reason naman."

Lumingon siya sa akin mula sa pagtitingin doon sa mga figurines.

"And your father? Emory, may rason nga sila pero hindi lahat ng paliwanag ay tama."

Natahimik ako. Kuwento ni Mama Astrid, umalis siya noon para sa seguridad namin. Matuturing ko na tama ang naging dahilan niya kaya hindi ko siya masisisi. But it triggered my curiosity.

Sino ang iniwan niya?

If it was my father... then Mama Astrid left him first. Pero hindi siya nito hinanap. And the fact that my father doesn't know our existence. Kung alam kaya niya ay hahanapin niya kami?

At ang sabi niya ay dalawang lalaki siya sa buhay niya noon. The best friend and her boyfriend. Isa kaya sa kanila? Her boyfriend... is he our father? Damn it! This is frustrating!

Ngumiti lang ako ng tipid. "I'll go upstair, Az. Dito ka muna?"

Tumango siya. "Magtitingin din ako rito."

"Okay! Kapag may nakita kang kahina-hinala ay sabihin mo lang..." sabi ko.

Tumalikod ako para lang mapasigaw nang tumambad siya sa harap ko. Nilingon ko ang dati niyang puwesto bago siya tiningnan na namimilog ang mga mata. Kapagkuwan ay sinamaan siya ng tingin.

"Don't use your vampire ability on me!" Singhal ko.

He just laughed heartily. "Kiss," he pouted!

"Damn you. Puwede ka namang humingi ng halik nang hindi ako tinatakot!"

Tumawa lang ulit siya sabay kinuha ang mga kamay ko para ipulupot sa kaniyang beywang. He put his one hand on my nape then the other one rested on my cheek. Bahagya siyang yumuko.

"Pa-kiss..." then he lowered his face to mine.

I sighed in contentment as I answered his kisses. Dumiin ang kapit ko sa kaniyang damit habang pikit mata na ninamnam ang kaniyang mainit na halik. Slowly, we broke our kiss. The sound from separating our lips was heard.

His eyes glint as he stared at me. "I really wish I was a human..." he whispered.

I unwrapped my arms from him. Napaigtad ako nang dinala niya ang isang kamay sa aking dibdib. Sa ibabaw ng aking nagwawalang puso.

"I don't know but hearing your heartbeat makes me want to become a human, Emory. I..." he bit his lower lip. "I don't want to be heartless anymore. Gusto ko rin na tumibok ng ganiyan kalakas ang puso ko tuwing malapit ka," his voice broke.

My lips parted. I felt my heart twitched due to his smile. It didn't reach his eyes... like the thought of not being a human hurt him. His eyes sparkled not because of joy, but because of tears. Umiwas siya ng tingin nang may umalpas na luha sa kaniyang kaliwang mata. He immediately wiped it with his hand.

He turned his back on me. I heard him sniffed.

"Let's start searching something that would lead you to your father," sabi niya.

"Azar..." tawag ko pero hindi na siya lumingon pa.

Umalis na siya at sinimulan na ang paghahanap.

I sighed. One last glanced and I left him then went to my old room upstairs. The door creaked open. Umatras ako nang umulan ng alikabok. I moved my hand back and forth near my face. Napaubo pa ako roon.

When I entered, the familiar feeling came rushing back. My eyes darted to my bed and I saw my young self jumping in above it, then to my study table. Nakita ko ang sarili na nagkukulay, sa harap ng salamin ay rumarampa na parang model, at sa sahig na pinupunasan ang palaso.

I closed my eyes and let myself wandered from the memories of the past.

"Why do you suddenly wanted to join us, Emory?" I heard Mama Astrid voice behind me.

Nakaupo ako sa kama habang siya ay nasa likod ko at sinusuklay ang aking itim na itim na buhok na umabot sa aking beywang. Hawak ko ang salamin at nakikita ko ang patay kong mga mata na nakatitig doon.

"Killing vampires are part of our lives, Mama. Wala naman pong masama kung sasali ako, 'di ba po?" my lips shivered.

The thought of blood makes me weak. I never imagine myself killing vampires. Ayokong madumihan ang mga kamay ko pero kailangan. My heart is filled with hatred. Sasabog na ito anumang oras tuwing naalala ang nangyari isang linggo na ang nakalipas.

I want to get revenge. I need to give him the justice he deserved.

She stopped combing my hair. "We already talked about this, right? Hinayaan kitang humawak ng pana hindi para pumatay ng bampira, Emory! You promised me..." humina ang kaniyang boses.

"Ma..." nilingon ko siya. Tears pooled down her cheeks. "I'm sorry but I can't keep my promise anymore."

Umiling siya. Hinawakan niya ang mukha ko.

"Hindi puwede. You just turned twelve! Enjoy your childhood, okay? You and Simeon, huwag na kayong sumali..." her eyes were begging but I remained strong.

"Sasali rin naman po ako kapag lumaki na ako. Pinapaaga ko lang po," mahinahon kong sinabi sa kaniya.

Sunod-sunod ulit siyang umiling. "You're just twelve. Please understand me, Emory. Hindi ako makakapayag. Hindi kita papayagan!"

"Pero alam ko naman po kung paano humawak ng pana! I mastered the art of archery for three years. Ma naman... please... let me join the clan..."

I wanted to cry! I'm too young to hunt vampires but my decision is final. I wanted to join them! I wanted to live as a huntress starting today. Ayokong naroon na naman ako sa kalagayan na walang magawa. I felt useless that day.

Tumayo ako sa harap niya. I held her hands and begged her to let me.

"Please, Mama... let me. Hindi naman po agad-agad na sasama ako sa inyo. It would take a year bago ako tuluyang maging huntress... o sumama sa misyon. O tuluyang mabahiran ng dugo ang mga kamay ko."

She stared at me, eyes were bloodshot from crying.

"But it's not safe. Kapag sumali ka, si Simeon ay sasali rin! Ayokong may mangyari sa inyo... Emory naman! You can't do this to your mother!" She wiped her face with her hands.

Bumaba siya sa kama at lumuhod sa harap ko. Her hand is on my cheek while the other one is squeezing my hand. I just stared at my mother's tired eyes.

"Please, I'm begging you. Don't do this..."

I bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying but failed. Umalpas pa rin ang luha sa mga mata ko.

Umiling ako. "Gusto ko po..." mariin kong sinabi kay Mama Astrid. "I want to hunt devils, Ma. Iyon naman po ang tama, 'di ba? Kaya huwag mo pong ipagkait sa 'kin ang gumawa ng tama."

Tuluyan na siyang napaupo sa sahig. She was crying while looking at me. My tears were nonstop, too. I'm determined to pursue this fire burning inside me. 

Mariin akong pumikit. Sometimes I hate my mind for thinking this way. I envy those kids who get to play outside worrying nothing. Unlike me who always worry about her loved one's safety. I almost wish I was normal. I almost wish my family has a normal life.

I shouldn't have witnessed that heartbreaking moment. He shouldn't have died.

Dinilat ko ang mga mata.

"No..." umiling ulit siya ngunit hindi ako nagpatinag.

"Yes, Mama. I'll work under the government. I'll hunt vampires wether you like it or not," diin ko.

Nabalik ako sa realidad nang may malamig na kamay na masuyong hinahaplos ang mga braso ko. Slowly, I opened my eyes and Azar's worried eyes welcomed my sight. He brushed my cheeks with his fingers. Doon ko naramdaman ang mainit na likidong tumakas.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at ako na mismo ang nagpunas ng luha.

"What are you doing here?"

"Why are you crying?" he asked instead.

Tumingin ako sa kaniya at bahagyang umiling.

"It was nothing," I smiled. "Memories."

"I bet it was a sad memory," he sighed.

"Yes... It was the last day of my normal life. Before I became a huntress... 'yong mga panahon na malinis pa ang mga kamay ko."

Sabay naming tiningnan ang aking mga palad na nilahad ko sa aming harapan.

"But I didn't regret it, Azar. I will never regret killing vampires."

Hinawakan niya ang mga kamay ko. "Tainted hands or not, I'll still be here for you."

Malalim akong bumuntong-hininga.

"Thank you..."

Tinitigan niya muna ako ng matagal bago siya dahan-dahang tumango. Umalis na rin siya at bumaba para ipagpatuloy ang paghahanap. Ilang malalim na paghinga ang ginawa ko bago lumabas sa aking kuwarto. Wala akong mahahanap doon kaya sa silid ni Mama Astrid ko sinimulan ang paghahanap.

I opened all the drawers at maingat na kinalkal ang mga gamit doon. Binalik ko rin sa dati nang walang mahanap. I closed the last drawer and wiped the beads of sweat in my forehead. Tumayo ako mula sa pagka-uklo.

Nilibot ko ang tingin. Wala na ring ka-amor-amor ang silid dahil hindi na naalagaan. The furnitures were covered by white cloth. May mga spider webs na rin akong nakikita. Hindi ko alam ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw ipalinis ni Mama Astrid ang bahay.

I sighed. Wala akong mahanap na clue. Ni isa ay wala. Naisip ko nga na baka ay pati ang mga iyon ay dinala ni Mama Astrid sa nilipatan naming bahay. Pero hindi naman kasi ako naglalagi roon kaya hindi ko rin masabi. Siguro ay maghahanap din ako roon mamaya. Wala naman si Mama Astrid kaya malaya akong magkalkal doon.

Isa pa... bakit niya nililihim ang tungkol sa Papa namin ni Simeon? I wonder why. Ayaw naman niya na makita ko siya.

I might hate my father but he is still my father.

"Did you find anything?"

Napalingon ako kay Azar na nasa bungad ng pinto. Nakatago sa likod ang kaniyang mga kamay.

"No," iling ko. "Ikaw?"

He showed me his right hand. May hawak siyang isang picture frame. Agad akong lumapit sa kaniya.

"I found this downstair... Look. A photo of your mom with four people..."

Inabot ko ang litrato. He's right. Lima sila roon... but the three are familiar.

The older one... he's Mama Astrid grandfather. Kuya Aamon's mother na si Tita Maureen, then my mother's best friend... my godfather. Ang isa pang lalaki ay hindi ko kilala.

Ang apat ay nakasuot ng lab gown habang si Mama Astrid na nasa gitna ay isang casual dress lang. They were all smiling... ang lalaki sa kanan ni Mama ay bahagya pang nakatingin sa kaniya. Tinanggal ko ang picture sa frame at tiningnan ang likod nito pero maliban sa taon ay wala na akong nakita.

It was 1984.

Naningkit ang mga mata ko nang muli kong pinagmasdan ang litrato.

That man... who is he?

Why does he look like someone I knew?

"Where did you find this?" Baling ko kay Azar.

"Basement," sagot niya.

Nilagpasan ko siya at mabilis na bumaba sa hagdan. Hindi mapakali na pinuntahan ko ang basement. Ni hindi ko na pinansin si Azar na nakasunod sa likuran ko. Ang nasa isip ko ay ang makarating agad at tingnan ang isang kahon doon na naalala kong pinalagay ni Mama Astrid sa isa sa amin noong naglilipat na kami ng mga gamit.

Kinuha ko ang kahon nang makarating. Pinatong ko iyon sa mesa at binuksan.

Then I saw some polaroids.

It was my mother with a man.

"I think he was my mother's past boyfriend. Kailangan ko itong paimbestigahan para malaman kung sino."

Alam ko ang pangalan ni Papa pero ang mukha hindi. I'm just giving myself a little hope since he was Mama Astrid's boyfriend based on the pictures and messages from the back of the polaroids.

And Ninong? Sina Tita Maureen... right. Kilala nila iyong nobyo ni Mama at sigurado ako roon. Sana ay hindi sila pinagbawalan na magsalita tungkol sa Papa namin dahil sila na lang ang pag-asa ko. Kung sakali man, iisipin ko na talagang may tinatagong mabigat si Mama Astrid sa amin ni Simeon.

"I know a private investigator. Gusto mo ay siya na lang ang pag-imbestigahin natin?"

Agad akong tumango. "I trust you."

"I'll call him later."

"Bakit hindi ngayon? Para alam niyang kukunin natin siya."

"Later, Emory."

Hindi na ako nakipagtalo. Sa bahay niya kami dumiretso matapos halughugin ang dati naming bahay. I brought the box and the picture frame with me.

Pasalampak akong umupo sa sofa. Pinagmasdan ko si Azar na pinatong sa mesa ang kahon.

He cried. It breaks my heart seeing him in that state. His pained expression and the eagerness to become a human... his tear... his voice... that's the weak Azar I've never seen. This heartless vampire cried. And that because he wanted to be a human.

Because he doesn't want to be a heartless vampire anymore.

Umupo siya sa tabi ko. His eyes on mine, too.

"If there's a cure... At kung magiging tao ka ulit, what would happen to your heart?"

Natigilan siya.

"I'll die..." sa mababang boses.

My lips parted a bit.

"Then be a vampire forever!"

He stared at me wearily. "And what? Live my remaining hundred years in loneliness? Be a witness of people dying while I'm stuck here, waiting for death to finally fetch me."

I held his face with my hands. "And? If you die, what happen to me, huh?" nanginig ang boses ko.

Hinawakan niya ang palapulsuhan ko. He gently caressed it.

"I told you not to let your heart beat for me, right?"

"I can't! And I won't..." I paused as I felt my heart beat rapidly again. "There's something different about you, whenever I see you, my heart just misses a beat. I'll figure it out..."

"Please..." Azar pleaded.

"No... I won't let you die, Azar..." umiling-iling ako.

"I'll just hurt you. My heart doesn't beat."

"I know that."

"Yet you still let your heart beat..." matamlay siyang ngumiti.

"Sa tumibok, e. Wala na akong magagawa."

His stared at me gently. "I can't do the same, Emory..."

 "Hindi naman kailangan. I'm not expecting din naman na tumibok 'yang puso mo bigla. It's okay..."

"It's unfair and not okay."

Muli akong umiling. "As long as you're here, everything is fair."

"You're not sure yet about your feelings. Huwag mong ituon sa 'kin 'yan. Find someone else..."

"That's why I'm trying to figure it out pa, 'di ba?" Sabi ko sa kaniya. "Basta. I'll stay and you should do the same, too. Huwag mo munang isipin ang sinabi ko. I just... wanted to let you know how I feel. Don't be bother, okay?"

He showered my hands with his kisses.

"I don't deserve you..."

"We both don't deserve each other..." naalala kong sinabi rin niya iyon. "But we'll try, okay?"

"But I'm a vampire..."

"Stop making excuses, Azar. Kahit anong rason mo pa, mananatili ako."

"Please don't..." he pleaded again.

"I'll stay. Aalis lang ako kapag hindi mo na ako kailangan. At isa pa... kung gusto ko na ng commitment, would you commit yourself to me?"

"Emory."

I kissed the tip of his nose. Pinatong ko ang noo sa kaniya at pumikit.

"Please... Let me. I want to stay so let me be with you 'till you decided to get rid of me."