My Plus-size Love

Do you want to know how hard it is to find love when you are a plus-sized woman? Harder than winning the lottery, let me tell you. This is especially true because of the competition. Every man wants a skinny, shallow, pretty thing as a girlfriend or as a wife. There is no room for average-looking chubby girls like me. I am not even beautiful like those plus-sized models. I was a solid 5 and maybe a 6 if I put in the work and dolled myself up. I am 5’4 and 200 pounds on a good day. I have long frizzy wavy and curly hair that is an ugly dirty blond color. I wish I could even say that I was curvy in all the right places. Yeah, I had a big butt and some boobs, but most of it sat on my thighs and stomach. I shouldn’t complain about my looks though, it’s not like I put a lot of effort into the way that I present myself in public. I am too tired to put my makeup on in the mornings before work and it just takes too long. Sometimes I will get a wild hair and spruce myself up. It’s so rare, though I wouldn’t even count myself as someone who takes a lot of time to look good. The only thing that I had going for me was my goofy and silly personality. To be honest, I give off more of a friend’s vibe than a possible mate for someone. That’s why I rely mostly on online dating. When you are online, you can skip the awkward greetings and find out if someone is interested in you or not. I have often crushed on someone for months and finally gotten the nerve to talk to them only to find out they are taken or just not interested in me. I am more confident online and can find someone interested enough to talk to me and like how I look. The only hard part about it is sifting through the weirdos and creeps to find a decent man. The website I use is curvy mates, a website for bigger men and women who are looking to find love. This way, I can’t be accused of catfishing anyone with the way that my pictures look. I am not one to edit my photos, or even put a filter on my picture, but I do have a ‘skinnier’ face, so sometimes it can be misleading. Or so I am told. So far, I have gone on two dates, but they were not something to get excited about. They were both cute and understood my struggles with my weight, since they were obese like me. So that was nice and that was how we started the conversations online. We were talking about our own weight struggles. The compatibility stopped there though. Don’t get me wrong, they were super nice, but I just didn’t share enough interests or ideas with them. I want someone who can challenge me intellectually and personally but still have them be a dorky goofball with me. It can be incredibly hard to find both in a partner. A thought that is always going through my mind is that maybe I need to lower my standards a little bit. I don’t think I will ever find the perfect partner who sees me for me and still loves me through all my faults. Even with all of this constantly in my mind, I am still on this app. Giving up on a love life or settling on someone even if we are not compatible was not something that I was going to do until I was desperate. I am only 23, so I still have some time to find my mister right. For now, I am just going to keep doing what I do best, looking at all my options and hating every minute of it. Some find dating a thrill, but not me. “Ting” My head popped up from my tablet and moved at the sound of my phone going off. I looked in the right corner of the app and saw that I had a new message. I felt that queasy nervous feeling in my stomach at the thought of a potential love interest. I couldn’t help but think in my head, “Please don’t be a creep, please don’t be a creep, please oh please don’t be a creep”. With a shaky finger, I clicked on the message bubble. “Ugh, does it have to be a creep again!?” I half sighed in the direction of my cat, Leo, who was tentatively sniffing at his food bowl. His head moved a little at the sound of my voice, but his attention never wavered from his food that he was so obviously not interested in. Though it must have been more interesting than the twelfth time this week, the same phrase was said to him. I looked down at the message again. Hello pretty lady, I am just going to come right out with it. I think you are beautiful, and I would love to take care of you and watch you eat. I know that if you work at it, you can gain at least another 150 pounds and then you would be much more attractive to me. Wouldn’t you like to be taken care of and just eat whatever you want? Please message me ASAP. I really want to meet you! I didn’t even have to click on his profile to see if he was cute or not, I just blocked him immediately from my messages. There was one point when I was first asked something like this, by a feeder called in the fetish world, I really thought about accepting the offer. How nice would it be to enjoy food the way that I do without the worry of your partner leaving you because of your size? I know that some people find bigger women attractive, and thank God for that, but I get sick to my stomach thinking about someone enjoying watching me eat in a s****l way. Not for me, and if I want to lose weight, I don’t want to feel like I can’t or else my partner will leave me. If I had to lose weight or else, I might die, then I don’t want to feel like I must choose death or be alone. Also, most people like that are only looking for a hook-up. The suggestion to gain more weight is new to me though. I sighed out loud and got up to get myself a snack. This is another reason I should just settle. All this disappointment makes me want to eat so I can feel a little better. It is a quick fix to all my problems because it only feels good when I am eating the food. Then, I feel like garbage because I am cheating myself on my goal of losing weight. To be honest, though I have been on a “diet” since I was 17 years old. I grabbed the cake snack when I heard the phone go off again for the second time today. “Ting” Little did I know this was going to be the message that changed my life forever.