My Plus-size Love

Chapter 9

I don’t understand how he can be so nonchalant about saying things like that. It makes me feel like he doesn’t mean them if he throws words around as he does. I don’t know if it is because I am not used to being talked to like that or maybe he just doesn’t understand the power of the words he says. I am past the point of no return. If he decides he doesn’t want to be with me, I will be heartbroken. My thoughts were interrupted by him.

“Clarissa, I am not trying to scare you, I honestly feel that way. I want you to be with me and I want to show you how beautiful you really are.”

“I appreciate your thoughts, but I am not a charity case. Please don’t say things like that because you think I need fixing. I want you to say them because you mean them.” I only hope I don’t push him away by saying this.

“There is nothing that needs to be fixed about you, I want you as you are. The only thing I want is for you to see you how I see you.”

“That’s going to take time.”

“I understand, the good thing is I have a lot of time and patience to get you there. I know it isn’t going to happen overnight. I am lucky if I can make you realize it in a lifetime. One day I will make you see your worth.” I don’t know how this conversation turned out this way, but I am happy that it did. At least he has made his intentions clearer.

“Remember that you said that I was going to hold you to it. You don’t know me enough yet to make a choice about if you want to be with me or not.”

“I doubt I will be the one to turn away between the two of us. I could say the same thing. I hope you do choose to stay with me when all my secrets come out.” He is always so mysterious; I wish I could shake him and tell him to just tell me the truth already. I don’t know why he keeps hiding behind the words and hints he keeps throwing my way.

“What kind of secrets?” Who knows, maybe this will help clear things up a bit more?

“I already told you, it will come out when we meet. So, you mentioned 6 questions before. So far you have only asked three. What is left?” I sighed, but looked at my sticky note again.

“What do you think is one of the hardest things that you have ever had to do or go through in your life?”

“I already mentioned what happened to my mom, but it really was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to go through in my life. She was a wonderful woman and kept my dad’s verbal thrashings to a minimum. She was always there to save me or make me feel better after he would get angry at me. She found out that she had breast cancer when I was a sophomore in high school. She was the school nurse, so it made it worse because almost as soon as I found out, so did everybody else. It was hard enough to go through it but then the way that everyone felt sorry for me and kept giving me those looks. They would ask how she was doing but because she waited so long to get an exam done, she was already at stage four. I had to watch her wither away to nothing. The week she died was like a blur. It didn’t seem real to me that she had passed until we went to go look for her casket. That was when it really hit me. I fell to the ground and started screaming and crying. My best friend and the only person that understood me was robbed from me. It was only made worse because I was a teenager. Even now, to this day, I miss her like crazy. She would have been a wonderful grandmother. I wish that she could have met you.”

It took me a moment to process everything he was saying. I can’t imagine what I would do if I lost my mom. I wish that I could reach him through the phone and give him a huge hug. My arms felt so empty, and I had to get up and pace around a little because I felt like I was going to scream. I was so frustrated. You could hear the ache in his voice, and I couldn’t comfort him in any way. I felt so useless.

“I wish I was with you right now; I want to give you a hug.” I had to tell him how I felt.

“I know, I wish you were with me right now too.” He sounded almost as desperate as I felt. Desperate and alone.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“I know she is in a better place, she suffered so much in the end. I look back and I am glad that it happened when it did. She was finally able to be at peace.” I didn’t know what to say now. I was comforted by the silence that followed and I was becoming lost in my own thoughts.

“So, tell me, what is the hardest thing you have had to go through in your life.” I sighed to myself and got ready to explain.

“2 summers ago, my niece passed away. She was 18 months old, they never really found out what happened to her. My brother John told me they thought it had something to do with sepsis, though they couldn’t really figure out where the infection was. I am one of the only family members who have met her. My brother’s wife is a little on the crazy side, so it is hard to get close to him. She is impossible to deal with for extended periods of time, but for some reason, she tolerates me well. All my other siblings and even my parents are not allowed to visit unless she gives the okay. It is almost always a no; the only exceptions are the holidays. When she was born, it triggered something in Eleanor and she got even worse by being overprotective. She wanted a daughter so badly, and she was afraid that my parents and siblings would be a bad influence. When little Anna passed away it devastated my brother. He would call me all hours of the night crying and asking me why she had to be taken away. He felt like he had been dealt an unfair hand. I was so heartbroken that God could take away such an innocent soul. She would light up the room with her smile and little brown curls. My brother got a vasectomy after Anna was born because Eleanor was so sure she was done having children. After Anna passed, Eleanor begged John to have another baby. He was not ready to try to have another, but she was so depressed he gave into her request. He never really got to heal because four months later she got pregnant. She was trying so hard to try and replace what she had lost. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Anna and my brother. To lose a child seems like the cruelest thing that can happen in this world. I wish that there was more I could have done, and I wish there was something I could do for him now.”

I found myself crying and looking at the picture I had of her smiling on my wall. Those big blue eyes were staring back at me, and I couldn’t help but think about what I would give up so I could see that smile again. The silence that followed my story seemed to add to the feeling of sadness that hung in the air.

“I am so sorry, losing a family member is hard, but losing a child at such a young age. It is unthinkable.”

“I worry about having children myself. You don’t realize how fleeting life is until the people you love to have theirs cut short.”

“Does it make you not want to have children?”

“No, I want to have children. I have always wanted to be a mom. I don’t know about having a dozen, but I do want a lot. I grew up in a big family and I miss the chaos that comes with it.” I laughed a little thinking about how crazy my family is.

“I am happy that you want children. That is a must for me. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t want to have children. That was the reason me and my ex broke up.” Speaking of exes, that was one of the questions that I wanted to ask him about. I needed to know who I was up against, who he was going to compare me to. I know he would say he would never do that, but I think people do it without realizing they are.

“Ex?”

“Yeah, we broke up last year, she was far too worried about her career and having me make her look good, then she was worried about having a family. She was only with me because I am an actor. It took me way too long to realize it. When I finally did, it also dawned on me that I wasn’t even in love with her.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that with me! I could care less about what you do for a job. I make plenty of money, so being rich or famous doesn’t matter to me at all.” He sighed a laugh directed at me.

“That is one thing I know without needing you to tell me.” I smiled and laid back down again. My nerves finally calmed down and this time it wasn’t food that helped me get through it, it was Derek.