My Plus-size Love

Chapter 10

“Okay Derek, I have one last question. Well, a question but also a statement at the same time? It is something that is one of the most important things to me”.

“Fire away” I nervously looked around the room. I didn’t even know if this was something that I wanted to talk about with him. Could it be too early to talk to him about it? I wonder if I will even be able to say it out loud without dying of embarrassment.

“I-i-it’s kind of hard to say out loud.” I stuttered out the question and palmed my forehead. Why did I have to be such an awkward weirdo? If this doesn’t have him running for the hills, I don’t know what will.

“Go ahead, this is a judgment-free zone.” If only he knew that it was so much more than that. This is something that most men wouldn’t even dream of following, let alone dating someone that requested it.

“It is not so much as I am afraid that you will judge me, but more because of the fact that I am afraid that you will not want anything to do with me once I tell you.”

“This is getting curiouser and curiouser, please do tell me. Trust me, there is not a single thing in this world that would make me want to have anything to do with you. Unless, of course, you tell me that you hate my guts and wanted nothing to do with me. Which I hope will never happen!” So, he says. I don’t think I can even say it. Another ten minutes passed before he interrupted my thoughts.

“Don’t worry Clarissa, just say it. You aren’t a murderer or anything like that, are you? If not, then I won’t judge you or get upset.” I chuckled, if only for a moment.

“Okay,” I sighed, it is now or never.

“I am a virgin.” Complete silence was what followed. You could hear a pin drop from a mile away.

“You’re really a virgin? Wow, I haven’t met anyone like that since I was in high school. Is it because you haven’t found the right person or is it a personal choice?’ Well, at least he didn’t laugh or say he couldn’t be with me because of my inexperience.

“It is a little bit of both. I have never dated anyone before. I wasn’t interested in dating until my senior year of college. I never found someone who I was interested in and when I did, they did not feel the same as me. Then I started noticing the men around me and there were a few other people I was interested in, but they never went anywhere. At that point, I didn't know if I wanted to have s*x until I got married. The idea of saving myself until I got married sounded like the best option for me. I didn't have that many people trying to do it with me anyway.” I said it and now he can make the choice if he is willing to wait for me or not.

“That isn’t bad at all! I admire that you have made that choice for yourself! Not a lot of people are able to make that commitment. I can only imagine how hard that might be.” So far, so good.

“Does that mean you won’t pressure me to have s*x with you? Are you willing to wait for me?”

“I can’t believe you have to ask that question. Of course, I can wait for you. It is not like I am guided only by my ability to have s*x. What kind of man would I be if I got upset because you wanted to save yourself for the man you married? Some people have s*x so much that they don’t even know the pleasure of making love versus s****l gratification. It helps you to connect with your partner on a deeper level and feels more amazing when you have someone you can share it with, someone that you love.” I couldn’t help myself, that sent me over the edge, and I started crying. How could I be so lucky to have found a man with as big a heart as he does?

“Are you okay? What is wrong?’ I could hear the panic in his voice.

“I don’t know how I was so lucky to have found you.” I heard him sigh in relief. I must have made him think that he upset me by what he said.

“Any decent man would feel the same way, you have to promise me, even if we don’t work out, never settle for less. No man or woman should ever make you feel bad because of the choices that you make for your own body. Nor should they pressure you. It baffles me that you are so shocked by my response. This is how everyone should react. It should be celebrated not looked down on. I wish I had made the same choice instead of losing it to a girl I was only with briefly in high school. I am ashamed to say that I have had more than a few partners. I was once focused only on my own s****l gratification and not on the beauty of s*x with my partner. It seemed to be the normal thing to do, so I followed along with my peers. Once I started my career, I got tired of people throwing themselves at me, so I reserved my intimacy with my long-term partners.”

“How many long-term partners have you had since you started in the acting business?”

“Only the one I mentioned.”

“Thank you.” I breathed out; I didn’t realize how much I was holding in my doubt about how he would react to my confession.

“You don’t have to thank me, Clarissa. I would do anything for you to make you happy.” We both sat in silence, engrossed in our own thoughts. I could sit like this forever, just knowing that he was on the other side. I don’t know if I am ready to say that I am falling in love with him, but it is what it feels like.

“Are you sure we have to wait two weeks to meet? I wish I could meet you right now.”

“I wish I could see you sooner, it is just that I have a very strict schedule for work, and I can’t get away until then. Trust me, if I could slip away and meet you I would without a second thought.” I felt myself starting to drift off and looked at the time. It was well past midnight and inching closer to 1 am. I didn’t want to get off the phone though.

“I think I am starting to fall for you,” I whispered into the phone. It is a scary feeling, just one mention of him not wanting to be with me would send me spiraling into a depression. He has me hooked, line, and sinker. I was contemplating if I wanted to let him know how I really felt. I have just given him the power to break my heart. I only hope he cherishes it and doesn’t toss it to the side like an old used sock.

“I fell for you the moment I saw your picture. Why do you think I kept messaging you when we first started to talk? I was so afraid that you would slip through my fingers, and I was desperate to make you mine. I am still desperate. I want to take all your hurt, pain, self-loathing, and self-doubt and bury them so deep that you will never question yourself again. If you could see you the way that I do, you would in an instant.”

“Can’t this call last forever? I just want to talk to you until the sun comes up. I am 99% sure I am not going to go to work tomorrow. I can’t always be this irresponsible, but I think it will be okay this one time.”

“You should try and get some sleep, but don’t worry, I can stay on the phone until then.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to keep you up; I know that you have work that you have to get done tomorrow.”

“Don’t worry about me, the great thing about my job is that I am only necessary when I am needed. I can sleep until they call me to do my part. I can’t think of a better way to fall asleep than knowing that you are on the other side of the call and thinking about me just as much as I am thinking about you.” I smiled and got under my covers; I doubt that it would take long for me to fall asleep since I am so exhausted. I got my phone out and set an alarm so that in the morning I could send a message to my boss that I wasn’t going to make it to work for the day.

“Thank you for messaging me, Derek, I am so happy I met you.” I was closing my eyes and sinking into the covers. Right when I was about to fall asleep, I thought I heard him say,

“Don’t thank me yet.”