Desiderium

Prologue II

" You will Die. I'll kill you!" she shouted at me, I can see through her eyes that she can kill me in just a snap.

My whole body is shaking, all I can feel is tiredness. Kanina pa ako nakalutang sa pag kakasakal nya sakin sa leeg. Hindi na ako makahinga ng maayos, my eyes are slowly dropping, I want to sleep but I'm still fighting it.

" T-then... d-do... it." I'm near losing my breath while talking to her. But I still have the strength to say those words.

" You're just like your mother. Strong, brave, and independent. But... it's not enough for you to survive from me." she said while tightening the grip on my neck. Unting-unti nalang talaga mawawalan na ako ng malay.

" Those who fly solo, have the strongest wings." I can't imagine that I still have the strength to say it to her without struggling.

I still have the guts to smirk at her.

" Just like your parent's death. I'll make you suffer," she says before i lose my unconsciousness.

Napabalikwas ako ng upo galing sa pag kakahiga. That goddamn nightmare keeps on bugging me. Well, I'm actually used to it because every once a week it keeps on coming and repeating the same nightmare.

I held my chest, pinapakiramdaman ang t***k ng puso ko, hindi naman sya ganon nag papalpitate, kinapa ko din ang noo ko kung pinag-papawisan din ba ako pero normal naman. Maybe I'm used to it, dahil paulit-ulit ko ng nararanasan ito tuwing gabi.

After nine years it's still in my memories, traumatized by the unexpected incident. I was diagnosed of having Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, two years ago I experience being frequently tense, angry, and jumpy, thinking of negative thoughts, and I avoid things that reminded me of them, and there is a tendency that I have to rush to the hospital to treat my breathing because of palpitations and hyperventilating.

I held my head with both of my hands, I stay like that for a minute before sitting properly, I inhaled a large amount of air before I exhaled it slowly, I repeated it 3 times. Now I feel more relax and calm.

After that, I get my phone to look at the time. Dang! it's just 4:30 in the morning. But instead of going back to bed I stood up and walked towards my walk-in closet, after looking for the switch I switch it on and roam around the room for a second. I changed my nighties to black leggings, a pink sports bra, and a gray jacket, with matching runners shoes. While going downstairs, I fixed my long hair to a high ponytail.

I went outside the house for a jog, naka dalawang ikot na ako sa buong village kaya napag pasyahan ko ng umuwi, while walking back to the house, I saw someone standing near my house, the person is tall and he or she has a heavy presence, hindi ko alam kung babae o lalaki masyado pa kasi akong malayo sa bahay. Sinilip ko ang bahay ko bago ibinalik sa kung sino mang tao ang nakatayo dun, pag kalingon ko sakanya nakita ko ang mabibigat na paninitig nya sakin, napakurap lang ako saglit ay hindi ko na ulit nakita ang bulto ng taong yun.

It creeps me inside, kaya dali-dali akong pumasok sa loob para i-check kung magulo o may nawawalang gamit.

Maayos naman, wala namang kakaiba sa bahay. I went outside again to have a second look, it took me a minute before I look at the place where I saw someone looking at it. It feels weird. I shook my head and went back inside.

" Manang Gracia." tawag ko sa mayordoma na si Manang Gracia na asawa ni Manong Ben. Sila ang nag bantay at nag alaga sakin sa mga taon na hirap na hirap ako.

" Hija naka balik kana pala. Halika mag almusal kana, niluto ko ang paborito mong cheesy egg sandwich." aniya at sinamahan na ako papuntang dining area.

" Uhm... Manang." I looked at Manang, gusto ko sanang mag tanong kung may napapansin ba silang umaaligid o kakaiba sa paligid ng bahay, pero ayoko naman silang takutin o pag alalahanin, masyado na silang matanda naka atakihin sila. Hindi ko kaya kung pati sila mawawala, sila ang naka sama ko ng pumanaw ang magulang ko. Tama hindi nalang ako mag tatanong. Nakita kong nakatitig si Manang sakin kaya nginitian ko sya sabay iling. " Ah. Wala lang po. Sabay na po kayo sakin mag agahan." anyaya ko.

" Sige lang hija at gigisingin ko pa si Bernardo, para maihatid kanya mamaya." paalam nya sabay alis sa dining area. Napa buntong hininga nalang ako, feeling lonely ang peg.

After I finish eating I went straight up to my room para makaligo nako. I did my morning routine. I wore gray slacks, a baby pink tank top, and a gray blazer with matching white stiletto, and my white designer's handbag. I just let my long hair flow down to my back.

Manong Ben drove for me, I arrive at the hospital around 8:15 in the morning, I went straight to my office. And I see a large pile of documents. Pag upong pag ka upo ko ay sinimulan ko ng basahin ang mga nakalagay sa table ko, nangangalahati na ako, when someone knock on my doors office.

" Dra. Choi pinapatawag po kayo ni Dr. Alfarez sa opisina nya." Yna my secretary.

" I'll be there in a minute." saad ko sa secretary ko ng hindi sya sinusulyapan.

I'm busy with my schedule as of now, dahil nag take ako ng leave for a week para mag relax ganon nadin ang routine ko every three months. Well, I'm the owner of this Hospital after all. But I'm always hands-on with my company also the people who work for me, ang dami na kasing nag kalat na traydor sa panahon ngayon.

After reading all the reports from last week, I stood up and fix my things before going to Dr. Alfarez's office.

While walking through the hallway I genuinely smile and greeting back all the nurses and other doctors with their patients.

I stood up straight in front of my fiancé's office, but before I could knock I heard a moaning sound, without hesitation I open the door and saw Dr. Alfarez, and oh he's with f*****g Ostria my old plastic best friend.

" What a wonderful view," I said while clapping my hands, to get their attention.

Then they stop from what they are doing, and they seem to like their shocked. What a scene. I rolled my eyes.

" Oh. I'm sorry, did... I disturb you two?" I ask while smirking. Kahit sa totoo lang ay kumukulo na ang dugo ko sa sobrang inis at galit.

They're just looking at me! Ano to staring challenge pwes wala akong panohon para dun noh.

" Baby..." Dr. Alfarez said with full of regret.

I raised my hand like gesturing him to stop talking." Huh... Kasi sa pagkaka-alam ko pinapatawag mo daw ako my 'DEAR' Alfarez." idiniin ko ang word na dear, mas maganda yun para dama nya na ako ang fiancé nya at may relasyon kami.

"You're not informed?" Ostria the Old Snake talked like I care. Really. I'm near on pulling her hair promise, but I keep myself calm. Inhale, exhale that's it.

" Why I should be informed? Do you think I f*****g care?" I said and give her a 'do-I-look-like-I-care' look.

" Of course darling, coz we're dating for a---" she was cut off by Rich.

" That enough Ostria. Babe, let me explain." he is now panicking. Feeling guilty.

" Oh. Babe mo na ako ngayon, kanina lang sarap na sarap ka dyan kay Ostria the Old Snake and Ostrich bitch." gosh they're all stressing me out.

" Excuse me b***h I'm not Ostrich, I'm---" I cut her off. Nakakarindi naman kasi boses nya.

" Yes, exactly darling coz you look like a stinky old wrinkled snake," I tell her that with full of confidence syempre para mas lalong ma high blood, okay lang para ako na mag checheck up sakanya, para madaling malason ang dugo ng MAMATAY na sya.

Aaminin ko hindi ako ganun ka maldita, pero sinasagad na ako nitong babaeng toh.

I can see her reaction, I really wanted to laugh so hard hindi na kasi maintindihan yung mukha nya eh.

Letche de puga. Ganda ka girl. Excuse me pero long legs lang meron ka ako charisma and all the intelligence.

I rolled my eyes while smirking at her.

" Babe, I promise you, may nilagay sya sa inumin ko I dont know what it is bigla nalang nangyari yun." explain nya sakin habang nakasunod sa likod papuntang opisina ko.

Ostria already left earlier. Pasalamat sya at hindi ko sya kinalbo o tinangalan ng ngipin eh. Hindi ko nga din alam kung bakit, pero may awa pa naman ako sakanya kahit 5% lang. Sanay na akong masaktan kaya nga manhid na ko.

Sa daming pag subok na nadaanan ko ito pa kay, I already experience the worst thing happened in my life and that was my parents death, until now nag papa imbestiga pa ko, there are things that they couldn't explain, I'm always on my deep thought about their death. It feels weird.

I sighed heavily. " Doctor ka, dapat alam!" I shouted at him out of frustration.

" Have peace of mind Dr. Alfarez-" he cut me off.

" Drop that formality Nesta." may bahid na ng inis ang boses nya.

" Okay. Okay." s**t. What would I say, I know it sounds stupid but I love him. He was my first, we've been together for three years now.

Na patulala ako sa isiping tatlong taon na kaming mag kasama, tatlong taon na din ako nag bubulag bulagan, tatlong taon kong tinitiis lahat ng mga panloloko nya. Hindi ko alam kung ani ang kulang ko, may mali b akong nagawa sakanya, nakaka sakal ba ang relasyon namin. Maybe its time for as to have our on separate ways, I need to let him go. Feeling ko naman mas matutuwa sya dun, I cant keep it up with him, ako ang mas lalong nahihirapan.

" Babe your zoning out." nagulat ako na hawak hawak nya na pala ang mukha ko, habang titig na titig sya sakin. Na paiwas nalang ako at lumayo ng kaunti. Its suffocating me.

" We should break up." yun lang ang lumabas sa bibig ko. Mas mabuti na yun, coz he's always cheating on me!

Hinahayaan ko lang, pero sobra na akong nasasaktan. Pero bakit ko nga ba sya hinahayaan?

" It's the best way. I... think." I cant look at him, ayokong bumigay, sawang-sawa na ako, palagi ko nalang syang pinag bibigyan.

" I think?! You're not even so sure!" he shouted at me, the anger in his eyes is evident.

" What do you want me to do then huh?! Pag tiisan lahat ng mga pang gago mo huh?!" I fired back at him. My hands are clinching already because of angriness.

He steps forward and held both of my shoulders tightly. It hurts, he's too strong for me to fight back.

"All those years?! Ako lang ang kasama mo, ako nag tatangol sayo, ginagawa ko lahat para mapasaya ka, para hindi na manumbalik iyong sakit mo." bigla nalang nag init ang ulo ko sa mga sinasabi nya. " Kung hindi dahil sakin hindi ka na gagaling sa anxiety mo at PTSD! You're dependent on me! Hindi ka mabubuhay kung wala ako." pinipilit kong maka wala sa mga hawak nya at ng mag tagumpay ako ay walang habas kong pinag hahampas ang dibdib nya, hangang sa manghina ang mga braso at manakit ang kamay ko.

I was fuming mad, I'm already in depths of distress. I can't control my emotions, I'm breaking down. I didn't even think twice before I slap him hard using all the strength I have.

" Don't you ever bring that up again! Yes, you're right, you always there for me! Whenever I needed you, you always never fail to show up! To help me! You bring my life back!" I was already sobbing. " But I was wrong, I trusted you!" dinuro-duro ko sya sa mukha o kaya sa dibdib.

I turned around and went to my desk, I throw all the things I can touch nag wawala na ako sa sobrang emosyong natatamo ko. I even throw my office desk name plate, kaya nabasag ito. I was furious, I think nothing can stop me from what I'm doing even my self. My knees are shaking and I'm slowly dropping down at the floor, while I held my head and cry out loud.

I saw him in my peripheral vision that he is walking towards me, he knelt on one of his knees to match my level, and he slowly reaching out for my arm, but before he could touch my arm, I pushed him away, causing him to lie on the floor, then I quickly stood up.

" You son of a bitch." I was still sobbing while clenching my fist.

He stood up properly, in front of me. I stared at him with a cold and emotionless expression, fighting the urge to not strangle him. But he looks at me straight into my eyes full of regrets and guiltiness.

Shame on you.

" I... I'm s-sorry." while he bowed his head, feeling ashamed.

" Before you go home, hand me your resignation letter." biglang napa angat ang tingin nya sakin habang nag tataka." Or else I'll be the one who's going to kick you out of this place. Marked my word Mr. Richard Alfarez." I said with cold tone voice." Pack your things and LEAVE. I don't wanna see your face any more." hindi ko na sya muling sinulyapan pa, hinyaan ko nalang syang umalis.

After he left I sat on my couch and laid my back on it, while my eyes are closed. I sighed heavily numerous times so I could calm myself down. I'm thinking of so many thoughts in my head, I even question myself If I'm still worth it to be live. Dahil lahat nalang ng taong pumapasok sa buhay ko ay sinasaktan ako, oo may mali din ako, dahil madali akong naniniwala sa mga sugarcoated nilang mga salita. Ang tanging ginagawa ko lang naman ay suklian ang mga 'kabutihan kuno' nilang nagagawa sakin. I feel betrayed, they're all liars. They keep on stabbing me at my back.

I should have known that it was coming, but I'm still blinded at all.

I don't know what's worst, being taken for granted or being played like a fool.

" Hey, drink your meds Doctora." Eliz suddenly came out at her sight, pag ka tapos nya marinig ito. Eliz is her best friend since college. When she looks at Eliz, she burst into tears... again.

Agarang lumapit sakanya si Eliz at saka sya inalo, habang hinihimas ang likod nya.

" Go on. Just cry on my shoulder." She keeps on saying comforting words, to calm me down. When she felt that I'm a bit calm, she looks at me with an assuring smile. " I'm just here. Don't worry." She's always reminding me of that.

Sya nalang talaga ang pinaka pinag kakatiwalaan ko.

She handed me my medicines and water. Those are mine, of course, I still have to take it, even though I'm already doing fine. I'm just making sure, ayoko ng bumalik ang sakit ko, hindi lang din kasi ako ang nahihirapan pati rin ang mga tao sa paligid. Ayoko silang mag-alala sakin ng sobra. Tutal kaya ko naman kontrolin eh.

" Kaya mo bang... magtrabaho pa?" nag aalangang tanong nya sakin.

I just nod at her. " Oo naman, saka may mga pasyante ako."

" Okay. Sabi mo yan ha. Basta mag pahinga ka muna kahit 30 minutes lang." she suggested.

" Yeah, I will." I gave her a small assuring smile.

" That's good to hear." Then she left.

I have to take a nap, mas nakaka relax kasi pag nakahiga. I walked at my own private room, which already have bathroom, cabinet and a single bed. Pagka higang pagka higa ay nakatulog ako agad sa sobrang pagod.

I felt heavy a thing on me, I feel like I was cage or chained on my bed, I can't move, I can't breathe properly. Was this a nightmare again? I can feel that someone's staring at me, a heavy one. I don't know if there are a lot or what, but it's really uncomfortable. It makes me feel sick. I can't even open my eyes.

When I open my eyes, I was finally uncaged, I ran fast through the dark hallway while panting heavily.

I turn around to find a way out, but there's nothing but a dark. It's so scary, all the memories a had before, is coming back.

I look to my left when I heard a heavy footstep. I saw a man and a woman, they are covered in blood. But they walked towards me, pabilis ng pabilis ang lakad nila.

Nagulat nalang ako ng nasa harapan ko na sila, they looked familiar.

I want to close my eyes but I can't. Nakatitig lang ang mga mata ko saka nila. Nangungusap, hindi ko maintindihan.

" Do Smerti! Do Smerti! Do Smerti!" they keep on screaming that word. But I can't understand them.

Then they slowly disappeared.

Then that's the time, I only understand what they've said to me.

" Do Smerti " " Until Death " " Hangang Kamatayan "

What does it mean? Why me?