Desiderium

Chapter I

One week had past since I had a nightmare that keeps on bugging me. Hindi ko maalis sa isip ko iyon, laging bumabalik, parang nangungusap na gawan ko ng paraan, pero paano, ano ba sila? sino ba sila?, hindi ko maintindihan. I can't even see their faces clearly, hindi na babanayad ang kalooban ko kung totoo ba iyon o kathang isip ko lamang. It feels weird everytime na sasangga sa isipan ko na parang magkakakonektado ang mga panaginip ko.

Iwinaksi ko ang aking isipan para kahit saglit lamang ay mapahinga ang utak ko.

Kakatapos lang ng pag kuha ko ng dugo sa lima kong mga pasyente, ngayon ay didiretso na ako sa lab para iabot ito para mag run na sila ng test. Hindi naman ito mag tatagal ng isang buong araw mga oras lang ang gugugulin ay makukuha na agad ang resulta.

I knock on the door twice, before I open it, there all attentions are on me now. Except to the one in the very corner of the room, her skin color is bright white, she has this Intimidating aura. I think I already feel that same thing to me before, but a different person Hindi ko na lamang ito pinansin, at itinuon ang atensyon sa iba.

"Here are the bloods." abot ko sakanila ang isang maliit na blue bucket kung saan nakalagay ang mga dugo.

"Thanks doc." ani isa saka nila.

"Just give the results to my secretary after running the tests, I still have patients," I said with a serious tone.

"Copy that doc." they all agreed, so I just nod before I left them all in the lab.

While walking through the hallway, I can sense that someone is following me from my behind. I turn to my back and look around, but there's nothing weird at all, it's just the patient and doctors walking around normally. So I return on walking.

I was already in front of my glass door when I saw something... a shadow. I look at my back again, but I only see the nurses in the reception. I don't know what it is but, it felt a heavy presence, making me more nervous.

I shake my head to erase all the thoughts coming out of my mind, I smiled first before I open the door of my office. They need to see me calm because it may affect their health when they see my eyes with worriedness. I need to be more professional in front of them.

"Hi, Good afternoon, did I make you all wait for too long?" I asked gradually.

"Hindi naman po doctora." said one of my patient's who's sitting in the waiting area inside my office.

" Let's start." karamihan sa aking mga pasyente ay mga lalaki, ngunit kadalasan din ang mga teenager na babae.

They are here so we can check on their blood, and to diagnose what disease are they into. Mahirap tanggapin na may sakit ang isa sa mga pamilya mo, karamihan ng na da- diagnose sa kanilang dugo ay malala na, mga mahirap gamutin, worse ay hindi na kaya pang solusyonan kaya nahahantong sa kanaling kasawian.

Sa tuwing nalalaman ang mga resulta nila ay nakikita ko ang takot saka nilang mga mata, nakakaawa na hindi lahat ng pasyente ay kaya naming panatilihing buhay, o pagalingin, minsan lang kami mag ka-encounter ng himala sa mga pasyente namin.

After the three patient's, ag dumating nadin ang reuslt ng mga na una kong pang pasyente. I look at the waiting area in front of my desk, and I saw two of them waiting for their results. I smiled at them before returning to another patient.

Kakatapos ko lang sa dalawang natirang pasyente ng ibigay ko na ang results nung iba, saktong kararating lang din ng tatlo pa.

Matapos ang mahaba habang blood collection, and blood test ay makakapag pahinga na ako, I look at my wrist watch and its only 4:18 in the afternoon.

Bigla ko nalang narinig ang tyan ko, parang kumukulo. Aish! Gutom na ako, bibili na muna akk ng muffin at coffe sa canteen.

I stood up and grab my bag with me. Palabas na ako ng room ko ng bigla itong bumukas, another patient? Pero wala sa itsura nya.

"Hi, what can I do for you?" I asked calmly.

She's not answering me, nakatitig lang sya sakin, parang iniexamin nya ako, sumula ulo hangang paa, paa pataas naman hangang ulo ko. Ganon lang ang ginagawa nya, ngunut hindi naman sya nag sasalita, wala din syang ibinibigay na reaksyon.

"What's the matter?" I asked again, but this time a bit pissed.

I closed my eyes to calm myself for about five seconds, but when I open my eyes she's already gone. I look around so many times, I even went outside, and stroll through the hallway, but there's nothing nor no one else.

It makes me so confused. Who is she? Why does she act weirdly? Does she know me? Do we have a pass?

I need to find Eliz. I went straight to the elevator and press the going down button. When the elevator door open I went inside immediately and press the number 5, because my office is on the 12th floor, while hers is on the 5th.

The elevator will stop if someone's going in or out.

Nasa pinaka sulok ako ng elevator pero pansin ko ang kakaibang aura sa loob, matangkad ako kaya kita ko ang mga tao sa harapan ko, napapansin ko kung sino ang lilingon, o gagalaw. Hindi din ganon ka ingay, puro bulong-bulongan lang sila.

Makalipas ang ilang segundo ay nasa tamang palapag na ako.

"Excuse me, please. Thank you." ani ko saka nila, so they can give me my way out.

Before the door closes, I take a look one last time at the guys who are staring at me intimately earlier inside the elevator. He looked at me too, but I suddenly feel weak. Why was that?

I shook my head, kanina pa ako nakaka kita ng weird na mga tao. Oo alam ko hospital itong lugar na to, pero hindi literal na mental. Maybe it's just really me who's hallucinating.

Simula kasi nung napaginipan ko yung dalawang taong dugoan ay nag sisimula na akong makaramdam na mabibigat na bagay, kumbaga parang dinadaganan ng mabigat na bagay ang kalooban ko.

I didn't knock on Eliz's door, I just went there inside.

"El." tawag pansin ko sakanya. She's actually busy doing some paperwork.

"Yes? Do you need something else?" tanong nga sakin, saka isinara ang folder na kanina nya lang pinipirmahan.

I was hesitating to tell her about what I'm feeling today, but I don't want to be a burden to her.

I sighed before talking.

"I feel something... weird," I told her that, without looking into her eyes, and just playing with my fingers. Para akong teenager na nag tatapat sa crush ko!

"Weird?" she looked at me with disbelief.

"Yeah," I said shortly.

"What? What kind of feeling?" kahit sya ay hindi ako maintindihan.

"Na parang may naka tingin sakin or naka sunod." I said nervously. "Parang may naka bantay sakin sa bawat galaw ko, nakamanman sa akin." hindi ko na talaga kaya pang itago ang takot ko.

She stood up and walked towards me, and then she embraced me carefully. That I was like an expensive fragile vase.

"May it's just you..., who's hallucinating," she said while rubbing my back. Making me calm. " Don't get me wrong, I think you're just overthinking, or... you are stress. Overwork... I think." mabagal na pag kakabigkas nya sa bawat salita, na para bang masasaktan ako pag hindi sya nag hinay hinay sa pananalita.

She's right; maybe I'm overthinking and over stressing myself out. But there is one thing I want to tell her, it's about my dream, that creeps me inside.

"I need to tell you something," I said, before she moves an inch away from me, so she could see my reactions.

"What is it? I'm all ears." she gave me an assuring smile, then nodded.

I told her everything, everything that I've experienced, everything I feel. From the very first start, since the day I was out for a jog then I saw someone looking at my house. The nightmares, the people who look at me weirdly, the hallucinations... I think.

Gusto kong iliwaliw ang sarili ko pero hindi ko magawa dahil may trabaho ako, malaki ang companyang hawak ko, at mga taong aking ginagabayan.

I don't want to be useless I don't want to be a burden to all the people who care for me. All I want is to have a normal life, a life that every normal people experience. A life that I have before, before my parents leave me before they... die.

I was the happiest person before, the jolly, energetic, happy. Always smiling, having all the good vibes. Thinking positive, enjoying the best of my life.

But now, I'm wishing for them to happen to me, I'm dreaming for it to happen to me again all the good times only.

My strength is slowly fading. While my weakness is slowly eating me.

Eliz caressed my face.

"Chun, my dear, you're a brave woman, alam kong nahihirapan ka sa mga nakalipas na taon, pero I can see all the will in you, that you can surpass all the hard times, you can overcome all the challenges in your life. Your one of kind Chun, you just really have to believe in yourself. Trust yourself. Okay..., but don't worry I'm always here for you. Always." she just gives me all the good things, comforts me, calms me. I'm really happy that I have Eliz with me, all the way through my bad times, and sad moments.

"Thank you. Thank you so much. I really don't know what to do, if ever I don't have you. You were the one who always makes me strong. You, Manang, and Manong Ben are my new family." I said and then hug her tightly.

Why am 'I being so emotional as always?

"Don't." I was about to cry when she said don't.

"I want to." naluluha na talaga ako.

"Fine." She sighed.

I cried like a baby, on her shoulders. But it was a relief for me, nalabas ko na ang bigat sa loob ko, but not all may natira parin syempre.

"Enough with the emo. Let's get back to work." then she playfully slaps my chicks, and butt, I laugh at it.

"Wait." I snapped out.

"What?" she asked.

"I'm not eating yet. I'm hungry." I pouted at her like a child and looking at her like an innocent cat.

Sighed." Okay. I'm... actually hungry too." she said with a wide smile.

I clap my hands because of joy.

After the long shift from morning to morning, my god. I'm so exhausted my eyes are so tired of looking in front of the computer from my office to lab. My hands are tired too, from checking all the papers, doing the blood collections. My feet are almost numb, from walking right to left, around my office, outside the hallway, from there to there.

But actually, I forgot about those things that are bothering my mind. It really helps me to lose it.

It's already eight in the morning, and I was walking through the parking lot, finding my car, I actually parked it from afar, hindi ko alam kung bakit sa dulo ko sya pinark, well puno naman kasi ang parking lot kahapon.

When I found my car I immediately get inside, and start the engine. I drive through the highway, grabe na paka ganda ng araw ngayon, sikat na sikat. I arrived at the mansion by 9:30 am, yes my house is a long ride, subdivision yun pero mukhang gubat na medyo na civilize na.

I step out my car, sinalubong ako ni Manang Gracia at Manong Ben.

"Hija. Kamusta ka naman?" she asked carefully.

I just smiled at her then... "I'm good."

"Sigurado ka?" she asked again not believing me from what I've said.

"I'm really fine manang, Im just... tired." sa totoo lang malapit ng pumikit ang mata ko, pinipilit ko lang magising at ayokong bumagsal sa sahig walang bubuhat sakin paakyat sa kwarto ko.

She nods, kahit hindi sigurado, pinipilit nya akong intindihin. "O sya sige, umakyat ka na at mag pahinga. Gigisingin nalang kita pag mananang-halian na." I simply nod at her.

I sleep peacefully that day, and when I woke up I feel more relaxed and fresh.

It's my day off today so I planned to go to the mall, go shopping, salon, eat, and anything of course with Eliz.

I wore a large plain black hoodie and gray leggings, matching with the black chunky platform sandals. I wore them because it's more comfortable.

I texted Eliz first, kasi gagawin nya akong driver nya ngayon, ang ayos nya pati swerte, ang gandang driver ko naman. Nang masundo ko na si Eliz ay dumiretso muna kami sa café drive thru.

"Good morning, thank you for choosing Starbucks, my name is Rhea, what can I get started for you today?" Rhea asked.

"I like to order one Grande Americano and one Cappuccino." that's our favorite drink ever, since college.

"Would you like a blueberry scone to go along with your Grande Americano this morning?" she asked politely.

"No thanks." pam pagising lang ang kaylangan namin. Dun na kami mismo sa mall kakain ng heavy.

"Is that would be all?"

"Yes."

After getting our orders we went straight to the mall. After a minute or so, we are now finally arrived at the mall and I'm just looking for a lot for my car of course.

We stroll around the mall, get our nails done, hair treatment go shopping for some new clothes, sale naman kaya walang problema.

But I feel something down there.

"Eliz. I need to pee." paalam ko.

"Oh. Okay, do you want me to go with you?" she asked, about to stand up.

"No. No need." I wave my hand to stop her from standing up.

"Sure?" she asked.

I just nod at her.

"Make it fast okay, be careful." rinig ko oang sabi nya bago ako maka alis.

I get inside the public restroom I look around and saw nothing but a white wall, a huge mirror on the left side, and a full-size mirror on the right side. Wow.

I checked every cubicle first, I'm not paranoid, I'm just checking kung may tao para naman hindi ako makarinig ng biglang kakaibang tunog, lalo't na mag isa lang ako dito sa malaking public restroom.

After peeing, I washed my hands and faced the mirror in front of me... when the lights shot down.

Kinabahan ako agad, s**t ngayon ko pa talaga hindi bitbit ang phone ko, I look around but there's no light, wala, nijo nija wala talaga.

I hold the edge of the sink, it's too dark. I can't hold it anymore all the memories of my terrible past is keep on repeating in my head. I closed my eyes, and my breathing is getting heavy.

Then suddenly I felt something... No! Someone's touching me. I can feel the breath of that person at my back. The right hand is in encircled in my waist, while the left hand is slowly touching my chin. The hands, it's so cold, super cold.

My legs are getting weak my hurt is pounding so fast, I can actually hear it, but I didn't open my eyes yet, wala din naman akong makikita, pero mas natatakot akong makita kung sino ang taong nasa likod ko.

The person at my back is so close, I can already feel that the chick of the person is already touching mine.

God. Please help me.

"Nesta." He mumbled.

It's... a man!

But... It sounds so familiar.