DEAD ALIVE

CONFUSED

"Nadia, wake up Nadia", I could hear and feel they kids poking my stomach and head making me groan I did want to wake up I just wanted to sleep.

I was on the floor in the dinning I felt so disoriented I must have fallen to the ground after I felt dizzy i truly was not feeling good my head was still spinning.

I manage to get my self up and clean up before leading they kids to their play room, they kept whining about wanting to go play out side as i sat on the floor with meow curl up on my lap the little kitten felt so heavy today.

"Nadia please let's go play out", Henry asked again my head was hurting and my eyes were close, I tried to explain to them that I wasn't feeling so well and so we can't go out today but they wouldn't stop asking.

"don't beg her she's our slave remember", Sara said to her brother who would not stop begging to be let out.

this got my eyes open and my head to stop spinning for a moment, that's it they are never leaving this house again I was risking it every day to let them play outside.

"yes Henry listen to your sister", I said wishing the world would just go quiet and let me be, they kids would be doing me a big favor if they took a nap now.

"your grandma would be stopping by to see if you are taking your nap today", I said to them as they both were now lying on Sara's bed they didn't want to nap but they agreed after i mention their grandma.

I wanted to play with them but I couldn't, they might be in danger if I let them to go play outside I was not in the right state to look after them, I was glad that my little trick work with them since they were very smart especially Sara.

I felt sick to my stomach that I had to run out to vomit my gut i don't know what was happening to me.

i needed to go back to the quaters so that mama jess could take care of me before I die, I don't know if master would believe me because I have been caught in a lie too many times, but it was true this time around.

I manage to drag my self inside and then to my room I was so tired and I didn't do much work today, I have never felt this way before I hated this feeling i just wanted to close my eyes and sleep.

master was looking down at me angrily but I didn't want to wake up I wanted to continue sleeping for as long as i can, but I didn't want to die so i manage to get my self up.

"Master", I said weakly acknowledging him I felt so weird with him standing here in my room so close.

I guess that I must have slept for a long time and that's why he was here.

"I don't feel so well", I said when he didn't say anything but stare.h

"you say that all the damm time when you do something wrong, where is there no dinner".

I was suddenly worried about the children I hope that the were fine they must be very hungry, I felt bad and sick.

i wanted to walk pass him and get started with dinner because even I myself was hungry.

my stomach twisted and before I could control myself I vomited all over master suit and shoe, it hurts so much.

anger cannot explain how he looked right now he definitely is going to kill me, I didn't think that now was the right time to run.

"I am sorry, I don't feel so well Master", I said wiping my mouth, what is wrong with me.

my cheek stung as master landed a smack to my face, I didn't know what pain to deal with either my aching stomach or hurting cheek.

i began sobbing softly trying my hardest to not agrevate him any further, i didn't think that it was my fault that i vomited all over him he was standing way to close and he was probably about to attack me.

he left angrily after asking me to leave to the quarters for three days or until i stop being disgusting and ugly.

I followed behind him as he took angry long steps, I was following him because he asked me to, we got to his room and i stood with my head down as he undress himself while cursing the whole time.

he threw his dirty clothes at me and i apologize once again before quickly leaving the room.

I cleaned my room, wash his clothes pit everything in order before going to see how they kids were doing.

I cover Henry up properly before making my way back to the quarters even though I have no one to go back to i wasn't sure if mama jess would let me stay for a few days or not.

I stopped by the river since it was night and dark I decided to take a bath, I got rid of my dress and fearlessly enter the cold water, it was really cold but it felt good against my skin.

I couldn't swim so i didn't try, i just stood by the shallow side enjoying the feeling and the freedom that i felt at the moment, this really helps me to feel better.

I stayed in the water for a while longer mainly because I didn't know where to go to, I was sick and i wasn't sure if mama jess would want a sick girl to take care of in her house and my former space have been given out, I didn't want to go to Anna's mama because Anna might be there and I am too weak to fight over silly things.

I worn my dress on my wet body before slowly making my way to the quarters, I didn't have many friends there from the beginning but its gotten worse now everybody hates me thanks to Anna.

it was late and most people have gone to bed i was afraid that mama jess wouldn't open the door and I would have to sleep outside I was freezing already as it is i might just die if i slept outside, I shouldn't have gone in that water.

I knocked softly on mama jess door and waited quietly to see if she opens the door, I door again and i was leaving when she opened the door.

"sorry i am here so late at night, I have no where to go too", I said playing with my fingers clearly embarrassed about my situation.

she didn't say anything but move aside for me to enter which i quickly did before she changeds her mind, the couldn't tell what she was thinking about with the look on her face but oi know that she wasn't happy.

I felt so awkward because mama jess was someone who usually would speak a lot even when you didn't want to speak but she was oddly silence today she probably hates me too but she knew about this even before Anna told the world.

I didn't feel welcome and i wanted to leave, but this get any more uncomfortable for either of us.

"go to bed child", she said throwing a blanket at me while pointing to where I could sleep for the night.

"thank you", I said smiling at her she didn't say anything but blew out the torch leaving me in the dark while climbing her bed.

I smiled in the dark before taking off my dress and lying on the space she had off me wrapping myself tightly in the blanket.

I was relaxed because now i know that she wasn't mad at me or anything but she had her own problems that she was worried about.

I was glad that i was here honestly at least i didn't have to pleasure master tonight and i was feeling much more better than i did earlier, i didn't know what was wrong with me but i am glad that it was over.

I laughed remembering the expression on masters face after I empty my stomach on his suit and shoe, he looked horrified, i can imagine how disgusted he must have felt that a n***o vomited on him.

I think that I would pass out if someone vomited on me, I would cried for a week while bathing non stop, masted hated me before but now much worse. I did feel sorry for him even though it was funny.

I got comfortable on the couch feeling warm and cozy as i prepare to sleep, mama jess had the best room in the quarters no really knows how she had manage to gather so much valuables, her room was a decent size with a nice size bed and a long couch that I was currently lying on, she even own a carpet and her door was properly closing unlike my former room the door had a big crack and didn't close well leaving space for all types of bugs and insect to crawl in even tiny animals.

blankets weren't one of the luxuries that slaves enjoy but she even had two, many people didn't even sleep on beds but she have a big enough one that three people could sleep on, she was one rich negro

her room was always kept clean and smell of food and herbs at all times i really felt comfortable here it felt like home.

I said a little prayer before closing my eyes and falling into a deep sweet sleep.

I stretch out when the sun hit my face, I felt so well rested and refresh I had slept well i haven't feel this good in a long while, I slept peacefully with out the fear of master coming to me the room was so warm and it smell nice.

"the princess is finally awake", mama jess said coming in making me smile while closing my eyes due to the harshness of the sun, I have slept in late thank God it was a Sunday.

"Good morning", I said sitting up and wrapping the blanket over my naked body.

she picked my dress and threw it at me making me laugh she was in a better mood and I was feeling great I didn't feel sick anymore but I was not planning on returning any time soon I still needed rest.

"thank you for letting me in mama", I said smiling and she rolled her eyes at me, I quickly worn my dress while she turned her back too me.

"why are you here any way child, shouldn't you be back at the master's house", she asked and I told her everything that had happened yesterday and how sick I gotten so sick to the extent of vomiting on masters.

she was laughing so hard at the vomiting part i tried telling her that it was not funny but i ended up joing her in laughing, it felt good.

"you are lucky to be alive you know", she said with her laugh dying down into a smile.

"I know, I really am he was so angry there was smoke in his ears", I said thinking back to the look on master's face, she began laughing again making me to smile she was really enjoying this, Good for her.

"there will be smoke in my ears if you vomited on me", she said looking back at me i laughed.

"how long will you be invading my space for", she asked giving me a hot plate of delicious looking food my mouth dance with joy i haven't realize just how hungry I was.

"oh bless you mama i was so hungry", I said filling my mouth with the hot sweet spicy rice moaning at how good it tasted.

she rolled her eyes at my dramatic ness when I suddenly stopped chewing she looked at me with concern covering her features.

"is something wrong with the food child", she asked sitting next to me with her hands on my shoulders.

"yes!!, is that meat in my mouth", I said excitedly with my mouth full with food she gave me a tap on my head rolling her eyes at me before getting up to get with her business.

"silly child, you are so silly", she smiled at me warming my heart.

"I love meat", i said smiling "I am sure you do", she said adding more meat to my plate, i felt as if it was my birthday today, I felt happy.

"where did you even get this from mama, all this", I said referring to the meat and her whole room.

"well unlike most of you lazy children, i am a hunted i hurt for my meat and as for my belongings I use to have this very good friend, Barbara she was the lady of the house that I work at when i was your age", she said smiling while reminiscing back to her good days I guess.

"long story short she's the reason i have all this nice things may she rest in peace", she said getting sober.

"ooh", was all i could say before i continue eating my yummy food while she stares at me like i was crazy.

"finish eating like a pig and clean up this room", she said rolling her eyes at me before going out.

I pout my lips with a mouth full of rice looking at the direction of the door "i am no pig", I said with my mouth full disgusting my own self.

I finished eating my food and began cleaning up the room folding the blanket and making the bed, I felt at home.

I was full so i decided to rest but that didn't happen as my stomach twisted and bile rise up my throat, I ran out to go throw up.

my throat hurts due to the force that I was use to relief my self from the torture that i was going through.

"my goodness you dirty pig", mama jess said handing me a jug of water while I roll my eyes at her I wish she would stop talking and help me feel better.

"I don't feel well at all mama", I said with tears in my eyes as mama jess helped me in to sit down on the couch while she got started with her herbs.

"I thought you said you were feeling alright", she asked without looking back as she was to busy mixing things to make my life even more miserable.

"I thought i was feeling better",I said weakly not wanting to talk much.

" here drink this",she said giving me a small cup of liquid, I closed my eyes downing it all at once while trying my hardest to not vomit it out.

this feeling was just so horrible i hated it, my eyes felt heavy i wanted to sleep so badly sleeping helps me escape this horrible feeling.

"how do you feel child",she said feeling the my temperature with the back of her hand.

"I feel really tired mama and i just want to rest my head is spinning",I said feeling even worse than i did yesterday.

"of course you do after rushing that food like a starve animal,learn to behave like a lady,jesus.

she said making me groan,i was not in the mood to listen to all this, and this had nothing to do with me eating fast i always eat fast, and I know how to behave like a lady,I always behave like a lady.

"go on stand up",she said helping me to the bed i lie down making my head comfortable on the pillow.

"don't do anything silly until i get back and keep your hands to your self do not touch my things",she said before going out,as if i had the energy to touch any thing.

my eyes closed and I fell in to a deep sleep dreaming that i was by the river side with Sara,Henry and meow we were playing and eating fruits lots of different types of fruits,while master Robert was at the other side of the river washing clothes without a shirt on while smiling and waving at us.

"Nadia,Nadia",i felt someone shaking me I had only just started to sleep and they were disturbing me already.

"you scared me child, you have been sleeping since morning",mama jess said waking me up from my very weird dream I sat up rubbing my eyes.

it was dark out side letting me know that I have been sleeping for a really long time now but i was still sleepy.

"how do you feel",she asked feeling my temperature again.

"not so good but better than earlier",I said feeling hungry,i wasn't feeling too good but i felt better than earlier without a doubt.

"sorry for asking but is there anymore food",I asked shamelessly but i was too hungry to not ask.

"is food all you ever think about, my lord", she said getting annoyed, she gave me food and ask that i go outside to get some fresh air.

I took my food and went to the fire place I sat away from the other I knew that nobody wanted me around.

I saw Anna and gave her the nasty look so she is aware that I still very much have unfinished business with her,what a snake.

I ate my food as i watch people socialize while laughing,singing and dancing at least they were happy at night.

a sudden evil thought invaded my mind,making my heart to skip a bit but i quickly push that thought out of my head,it can't be possible.