DEAD ALIVE

A BABY

"well what do you think is wrong with me mama", I ask lying on the couch as well prepare to sleep for the night.

"probably maleria or a stomach bug, but you will feel better the moment you drink the herbs that i have soak for the night, you will have it first thing tomorrow morning on an empty stomach", she explained making me groan.

"your herbs are the worse, always so tasteless or so bitter", I complain and she laughed.

"then don't have it then, you will leave my house in three days either way, goodnight Nadia", she said making me smile, I didn't want to go though I like it here wait no I love it here I felt free and happy.

and for the first time i didn't have to take care of my self or any one else instead I was being taking care of, it was weird to not worry about others to not think about what the will eat and what the will wear or do.

mama jess was taking care of me like a mother would she was just so kind and good go me I was so grateful, I definitely would have been sleeping under a tree in the cold by now.

this was the third time that I had to go relief my self for the night, I had decided to rest out here and just take in some fresh air as i wasn't all that sleepy anymore.

outside was deadly quite apart from crickets that were making annoying sounds everyone was asleep resting and getting ready for tomorrow work.

I felt lucky because master have personally excuse me from working because i wasn't feeling fine, that annoying Andrew wouldn't be all over my face tomorrow.

the night was creepy i thought i heard some movement coming towards me so I quickly ran back inside i drank of cup water praying that I won't have to wake up again before getting back on the couch making myself comfortable and warm before sleeping soundly.

I woke up early but not early enough since mama jess was already up and have even made food, the aroma made me smile and my stomach growl.

I got out of bed feeling quite happy today i went to mama jess hugging her tightly showing my appreciation with saying it, she smiled but roll her eyes pushing me off her and placing the little nasty cup of bitterness in my hand.

"drink up and go take a bath my goodness, be a lady please", she said making my frown but she was right I do need a good hot bath.

I close my eyes before drinking the whole thing down it was so bitter, I didn't want to drink it but I had to as it was for my own good.

my blew the fire wood with a plank as the water wasn't hot enough i sat by the fire side keeping an eye on the fire so it doesn't blow out.

I felt like vomiting but i manage to hold it down thankfully, maybe mama jess poison was working well after all.

I took a hot and instantly felt better my muscles were relaxed as I eat the food that mama jess left me happily.

I lie down on mama jess bed as i got ready for sleep, words can't not explain how peaceful and quiet it was, every one had gone to their various places of work leaving me and a few children alone.

I could really get use to this, the peace, I didn't have to eat in fear anymore because i wasn't hiding from anyone I wasn't stealing food i was given food without even asking.

my eyes were getting heavier by the second as i humm one of the songs that my mama would often sing until i finally fell asleep.

I bolted out of bed running outside I vomited my guts out everything that i have eaten earlier the feeling was back. it was almost evening I have been sleeping for a really long time now so i was hoping to feel better, tomorrow would be my third day here and i was suppose to be feeling better master would want me back soon.

it was as if i was getting getting better one time and then even more sick later I was hurting so very badly.

my stomach was hurting and so was my throat I felt horrible I wanted to just sleep and forget about the world, I push the thought that was trying to surface to the top of my mind, I was trying so hard to not cry because crying would be like confirming my thoughts.

I miss they kids i wonder what they were doing right now probably taking a nap or maltreating poor meow, I miss out on learning today I hope to get back to learning as soon as possible.

I lie on mama jess bed hoping she would be back soon from work i hated her herbs but i needed it.

my eyes began closing as sleep was trying to take away my senses when mama jess entered the room.

" still lazy I see, how are you feeling child", she asked dropping her things in the corner of the room.

"I don't feel so good mama, I vomited over and over again i said with tears in my eyes, I just wanted to cry this awful feeling away.

she looked at me with pity before feeling my temperature with her hands as she would normally do.

she frown making me frown as she went away to get some herbs.

"take that dress off child and lie down straight up, let me check you out", she said freaking me out.

I did as she said taking my dress off and lying down straight as she had ask me to.

she deep her two fingers inside one of her herbs before proceeding to rub it on my stomach.

she use her two fingers to press my lower stomach several times, it was wired but hey she is the local doctor here i would let her do anything to make me feel better.

she finished what she was doing cleaning my stomach with a rag before asking me to wear my dress.

she didn't say anything serious only saying that i would feel better before going about her business I wanted to go help her out but decided to lay my head for a few minutes which resulted in me sleeping for another hour.

I woke up to the smell of food in the air i immediately began salivating anticipating the taste of the food in my mouth.

mama jess walked in the room with two plates of food I her hands, she gave one to me and I sat on the floor eating my food after saying thank you.

i suddenly felt guilty and bad, mama jess have been outside all day working hard under the burning sun, while i stayed in all day sleeping on her bed sleeping, I was suppose to help her out with dinner but instead i slept like a horse living her to do all the work by herself, I am the worst house guest ever.

"i am sorry for not helping mama", I said dropping my empty plate beside me, I was so ashamed of myself.

"its fine i understand your situation",she said grabbing our plates taking them out and coming right back.

"so have you found the herbs for my situation", I asked her sitting on the couch.

"when was the last time you bleed Nadia", she asked all serious making my heart to skip a bit.

"I don't know, why", I asked chuckling nervously, she looked up at me shaking her head.

"because you are pregnant, that's why", she said sitting next to me on the couch, I felt my whole life shutting down slowly.

i didn't ask if she was serious becase she would never joke about something like this, I tried not to cry but i couldn't stop the tears from rushing out.

she had just confirmed what i was thinking earlier i definitely am pregnant i felt it, I knew it i just refuse to believe it.

I am pregnant, I am pregnant, I couldn't get it out of my head but mama jess can still be wrong about this.

"no mama I promise i took the herbs you gave me last time constantly without missing a day so i can't be pregnant, I promise you", I said trying to myself more than her.

"that isn't always hundred percent Nadia and it isn't safe to drink everyday either, so yes you are pregnant i am sure of that", she said crushing me all over again.

I suddenly couldn't breathe I try to but I just couldn't breath i didn't understand what was happening to me maybe my brain wanted to die rather than to be in his position.

"breath Nadia just breath OK, everything is going to be alright just try and breath", mama jess encourage and I began breathing then crying heavily crying.

this is what i have been trying to avoid since the very day that master lay his hands on me, this is what i fear the most getting pregnant bringing a baby into this sick world of pain and torture.

A mulatto for that matter they live the worst life they weren't accepted by the whites and the were mostly isolated among the blacks.

I didn't want any children, especially not a mulatto our lives are going to be living hell that's if we survive this, Ceaser was a living testimony he was a mistake and people never fail to remind him both the whites and the blacks, they often say that he was a mistake that was never supposed to happen,his life wasn't easy at all.

master would have me killed the moment he finds out that i am pregnant, he is going to kill my baby and i, i didn't know what to do so i cried harder in mama jess arms.

"you should cry so much Nadia its bad for the baby", mama jess, I didn't care about this child at the moment honestly i don't want this child and i need to be alone right now.

I ran to the river side the only place I know that I can think straight and be alone, well i would have been alone but my baby was with me, I wanted to run away from the baby but it went with me every where I go.

I sat with my legs in the water lost in my thoughts what will I do now, where do i run too.

master deserves every drop of my vomit that got on him and more I have never in my life despite anyone like I did master, I regret not letting him eat that poison that night he would have been dead by now.

I wasn't even able to properly look after my self fully not to talk about taking care of a baby and myself at the same time.

"please go away, I love you but you don't need to be here right now please", i said to the baby in my stomach hoping it will just magically go away.

I couldn't stop crying my head was pounding as i manage to walk back to mama jess house, it was dark and quite every one was asleep but i wasn't even afraid I didn't care what happen to me anymore.

i push the door open slowly trying to not wake her up since she had to work very hard today.

i got on the couch wrapping myself in my blanket, I tried to sleep but i couldn't sleep and even if I did I would have night mares of master or the baby my night was just restless.

I got up early to clean up and make breakfast before mama jess wakes up its the least that I could do anyway she's being very kind and generous to me.

I did everything that I could to take my mind off my current situation I kept washing the clean dishes over and over again, cleaning the same spot over again.

I didn't sleep last night at all my eyes were heavy but i didn't want to sleep I was afraid of sleeping I didn't even know why.

"what are you doing child", mama jess said grabbing the clean dishes from me

"your bathing water is in the bathroom and your breakfast is on the table in your room", I said ignoring her.

I went inside her room curling up on the couch, I didn't know what to do and i didn't want to cry again because crying obviously wasn't helping me.

I waited for mama jess while crying silently, I know I said crying doesn't solve anything but I just can't help it.

"crying would only make you feel worse Nadia, pull yourself together please you are about to be mother stop being a child", she said sitting next to me.

'you are about to be a mother', that statement only manage to make me cry harder, I didn't want to be a mother not now not ever.

"listen Nadia i need you to relax while i am gone, I need you to eat your food, take a hot bath, try to get some sleep and then decide the life that you want for you and your baby, I want you to make a decision before I get back from work", she said wiping my tears that won't stop falling I felt like a pregnant child.

"you know who got me pregnant mama", I ask sobbing and she nodded her head sadly.

"I do but sadly I can't do anything about it" she said pulling me into a hug which I return gladly I hugged her so tightly not wanting to let go.

"he is going to kill me like they did Tamika", I said crying even harder remembering what they did to poor Tamika, I didn't want to end up like her I definitely won't end up like her or any of the girls who ended up dead because they got pregnant.

"everything is going to be fine", she said trying to comfort me but i wasn't falling for that because nothing is truly going to be fine.

"nothing is going to be fine, how many mulatto do you see out there mama and how miserable are their lives and that of their mothers", I asked pulling away from our hug.

"I am miserable enough as it is mama I don't need anymore pain and misery in my life, and that is exactly what is going to happen to me if I don't get killed in nine months time, so absolutely nothing is going to be fine", i said crying even harder.

reality really was dawning on me, I have a little baby growing inside my stomach i was about to be a mother to a little mulatto.

this exactly is what I was talking about, they masters take advantage of poor n***o girls and leave us alone to take care of the concequences all alone, I can't believe that i am in this situation, it's really messed up.

"I have got to go now Nadia, don't forget to do what i asked of you",she said getting up to leave.

I sat by the firewood blowing it up trying to heat up my bathing water since the weather was pretty cold, I was tempted to cry again but i held my self together as mama jess said I am about to become a mother and i needed to stop behaving like a child.

my stomach was still very flat but I felt as though it was big enough for everyone to know that i was pregnant.

I wash my stomach well when i was bathing I don't even know why I just felt as if my baby also needed a bath.

I eat my food after re heating it because it has gotten cold, i eat my food quietly in mama jess room, everywhere was quiet apart from the small noises coming from the next house.

I pack some food and went to give it to the little kids that were left behind, they were all below five years old, they will join there parents when they turn six.

they kids were all playing together except for one little mulatto that was sitting all by herself in the corner of the room.

she was really pretty and tiny so cute with the most beautiful curly hair ever, she worn a little torn dress with nothing on her feet.

"hey,are you hungry",i asked sitting next to her and she shyly nod her head. I gave her some of the food which she quickly eat my eyes fill with tears at the way she was eating she was hungry and anyone could see that,they other kids saw and ran to me I smile while sharing what was left to they kids.

"why aren't you playing with them",I asked the child but she said nothing,she just kept looking at her fingers.

"because she's not like us",one of the kids said making me shake my head,they have learned that from their parents.

"what's your name",I asked pinching her cheeks softly earning my self a smile as she tried to push my hand away.

"jane",she said softly making me smile.

i made them understand that just because the looked different doesn't make them different and they should all play together.

i didn't want my child to be a loner like little jane,I didn't want them to be alone and hungry.

I made it a point to visit this children when ever I can with leftovers especially little Jane,she was smaller than most kids her age.