DEAD ALIVE

SORRY,BABY

"I think I have made a decision mama", I said immediately mama jess walked in, I have got my mind made up and there is no going back.

"that's great to know but please if you don't mind I need to rest first", she said dropping her things, drinking water before falling on her bed.

wow she must be very tired today the sun was very angry today, I wanted to go make dinner but my babay wouldn't let me as i ran to go vomit out my intestine vomiting was a horrible feeling.

I wash all the dirty clothes before making dinner, I eat dinner with the fear of throwing up I didn't want to vomit again, four times is enough for one day.

I watch as mama jess eat her food, I couldn't wait for her to finish eating her food so we could talk about my problem.

I took her plate from her quickly washing it before running back inside to start with my problem.

"I don't own anything to my name, not a room like you and not even a space in the general room for me, I don't want to keep this child, I would only cause my child nothing but misery and pain.

"Nadia", she began but I quickly stopped her.

"if you are going to ask me to carefully think about this then safe it because I have carefully and properly thought about it, master is going to kill me if he knows that I am pregnant with his child and even if he doesn't kill me he will send me back with nothing at all and he will make our lives a living hell just like the did with Ceaser's".

"i don't want to have a child, a mulatto that they will end up selling off I better not have this child than go through the pain of lossing them after they are here", I explain trying hard for her to see things like i did.

"Nadia, you can't know for sure what will happen to that child, your master might be different he might accept the baby even if he sends you away, please think about your decision.

"mama please don't try to change my mind, you aren't the pregnant one here I am, and you don't even know him he would never want my child he already have two beautiful children he won't want a mulatto trust me".

"you saw what he did to me mama, you know what he and his family are capable of, you know how lady Elizabeth is even if some how master let me live, his mother would sure kill me and then make my baby's life a living hell", I said with fat tears running down my cheeks.

I didn't hate this child even if they were conceive as a result of rape but I hate the father, I hated the world that they would be born into, I would belove to keep this child but I can't, I just can't I am stupid and i would only make things worse for the both of us.

I couldn't stand anyone treating my child like trash, I couldn't stand to see my child working hard at a young age under the burning sun, I wouldn't let that happen.

"my sister was pregnant with master Lawrence baby", mama jess said as i try to dry my tears, I wasn't surprised that master Lawrence got some n***o girl pregnant but i was surprised that mama jess have a sister or any family at all.

"I didn't know you have a sister, where is she", I asked getting interested in another persons problem and escaping my own for a minute.

"she's among those slaves that ran away from his plantation, I have been so worried but they still haven't being caught yet so there is still a good chance that they have truly managed to escape", she explained with this sorrowful look in her eyes, she was afraid for her sister's life.

"she came to me, she wanted to get rid of her baby but she couldn't do, she couldn't bring her self to get rid of her child when the time came. so she joined they other slave to escape or at least try to for her and the baby", she said making me feel like a monster that wanted to murder her own baby.

"but as you said this is your decision and i can't stop you, just so you know this stays with you forever", she said making me re think my decision.

"I am doing the right thing", I said more to my self than her, I needed to convince myself.

"yes you are doing the right thing for you but not for your baby you are not giving it a chance", she said getting up.

"here drink this before going to bed and it would do the magic", she said going out of the room.

I quickly ran after her making sure no one was around before speaking. "please can we just keep this between us mama", I said softly and she nodded before walking away.

people hate me enough as it is, i didn't need anymore drama right now I already am dealing with enough.

Anna would be jubilating if she hears about this she would have more news for the community to shame me with.

my stomach was hurting and i was hungry but I didn't want to eat anything I was about to have an abortion so how can i even think about eating.

my head was spinning I was afraid of doing it but I needed to do it, I know of a girl who died the night that she had an abortion.

I didn't want to die especially not because of an abortion, the thought of it scares me to dead as I stare at the dark liquid in the cup.

I was seriously conflicted, i didn't know what to do, mama jess was clearly not in support of me getting an abortion but she isn't the one carrying master monster child, she won't be the one to live with the shame and pain.

mama jess had come in earlier and was already sleeping, she asked if i have done the did and i said no, she said nothing after that making me feel even worse

i was getting really sleepy and i was yet to drink the herbs, I said a small prayer placing my hands on my stomach before drinking the liquid in the cup.

"oh my God", i said after drinking only a little I have never tasted anything as bitter as this before, my eyes water I wasn't sure if I would be able to finish this bitter s**t.

I force my self drinking little by little until I finish the whole thing it was so bitter i thought it will kill me.

I wasn't sure how far long i was but i know that I wasn't up to a month i hope that this poison that mama jess had me drinking would work.

I lie on the couch covering my self up with the blanket trying to get warm, I thought the herbs would have an immediate effect but that wasn't the case.

I kept turning and tossing around i was way too anxious to sleep, I didn't feel anything happening to me, I felt normal its obvious that it wasn't going to work, the herbs wasn't strong enough.

I was half disappointed and half happy, I was somehow happy that this didn't work and that my baby was still alive and safe for now, I wasn't sure if i was ready to let go of my little baby yet.

"even though you make me really sick and scared I still love you very much and I don't think that I am ready to let you go yet", I said rubbing my stomach with tears in my eyes.

"I love you but now isn't the time for you to be here, your papa is going to get very mad at the both of us, I would have love for you to meet your sweet siblings Sara and Henry and even meow", I said laughing at the thought of meow and the kids.

I felt horrible about this whole thing i didn't want my child gone but this wasn't the time to be having a child, I wasn't ready to look after the two of us.

I rub my flat stomach humming mindlessly until I fell asleep.

I rush to the bathroom to go pee my bladder was so full, I sighed in content as I relieved my self.

then the pain followed afterwards my stomach was twisting so badly as I try to stand on my feet, I immediately regretted my actions as a large chuck of blood fell out of me, I look into the toilet and it was fill with blood.

I began panicking there was just so much blood my stomach felt as though there were knives inside cutting up my organs.

the toilet was completely messed up with blood my hands were also cover in blood as I tried to stop whatever it was that was happening.

I couldn't stand properly no matter how hard I tried, I needed to get out of here and clean up this place before every one else wakes up and try to get in here.

I was crying because i was helpless and in pain, mama jess didn't warn me about this if she had then maybe I would've rethink my decision.

I didn't think that it would be this painful and bloody this made me feel like a murderer I had blood every where that even I was afraid.

I sat on the toilet with blood every where my blood, I tried crawling back to go get mama jess but i ended up on the floor.

I am going to die here if no one finds me and i would die of shame if a big mouth finds me. I didn't know which was worst.

"there some one in here", i said when someone tried to get in, pressing my foot against the door to stop them from getting in.

"open the door child", I hear mama jess voice and I cried out somewhat relief that it was just the person that i needed.

"oh my goodness", she said closing her mouth with her hands letting me know just how bad my situation was.

"is it that bad", I asked with a shaking voice, looking at the big dark clumps of blood.

"no, not at all this was to be expected", she said clearly panicking making me to cry even harder.

"I will be back in a minute, don't let anyone in", she said running out.

"no please come back", i tried stopping her but she was gone already, I looked down and i was still bleeding, i didn't think I was possible for anyone to produce so much blood from their body and still be alive, I was going to die I just know it.

mama jess came back with a bucket of water and a rag before running out and coming back with a cup.

"here drink this quickly", she said and I immediately drank all the content not caring a bit about the taste.

"it would help with the bleeding", she said taking the cup from my weak hand, she was quick to get rid of my dress and help me to bath my self.

she left me sitting on the bathroom floor as she went to get help from a friend of hers that she could trust.

they both help me back to the room where the other lady help me into another dress and a menstruation rag to help stop my bleeding and mama jess went back to go clean the mess that I created in the bathroom.

"you girls need to stop already with the abortion it is just another way of committing suicide", she complains bitterly while mixing something up at mama jess table.

I wanted to tell her that now was noy the time to criticize me for my mistake but i was too weak to argue so i let it go.

"you need to accept and learn to love your self and your child even if you don't want to", she said with tears running down her cheeks this got me really worried it was asif she was certain that i was going to die.

she was crying for me even when i am still alive, "dear lord please i don't want to die now please safe me just this once please dear lord".

reality was really dawning on me I might die for real and all because of my bad choices I should have listen to mama jess then may be i would've been vomiting now instead of bleeding to death.

I wasn't bleeding as much as I was earlier but my stomach and all my organs were still twisting in agony, i was in so much pain.

this was all master's fault I told him i didn't want to get pregnant and he asured me that I wasn't going to get pregnant now i was going to die just because of his s****l desire.

I wanted to see Ceaser before i die, I wanted to tell him that i love him and i would miss him so dearly when I die, I wanted to see Henry laugh one more time before i die.

"open up", the lady said looking down at me with pity in her eyes, I wanted to roll my eyes but now was not the time for eye rolling

I open my mouth with dificult as she drop a very tiny liquid in my mouth, "that should help with the pain for now and you would be able to sleep". she said leaving the room.

I thank God as I began feeling a little bit better and my eyes began closing, maybe I wasn't going to die after all.

~~~

Robert was getting really angry at Nadia's relectant to return back to work, the new slave that Andrew had brought to replace Nadia was just so slow and incapable of taking care of the house and his kids.

he had send for Nadia countless times but she intentionally chose to disobey him, he was way too soft on her.

he decided he was going to get her by her hair himself, he never have to go to the slave quarters and now he has to there by himself.

he got on his horse with Andrew and the other men following behind him on there own horses.

he was going to have Nadia wish she never existed, he was still very pissed at Nadia for vomiting all over him the other day.

he was so angry and disgusted that he felt like crying, but he was also aware that she was really sick.

"where is she", Robert ask and Andrew lead him to mama jess room where Nadia was trying to crawl out to go look for help, she had slept a little but had woken up with excruciating pain to her lower stomach, she had bleed past the menstruation rag.

she was in immense pain as she tried to crawl out to go look for help before she dies alone leaving big trails of blood behind her.

her cream and yellow dress was soak in blood as she cried out calling for help every one was at work as the day was still very young.

Robert burst in to the room ready to bounce on her with his whip but he was stop in his tracks after seeing her condition.

"jesus christ", he said stepping back there was so much blood this girl was sure going to die if she doesn't get the help that she needed fast.

he was conflicted he didn't know if he should help her or not he didn't want her death now they were missing her very much back home but he would die before admitting it, Nadia took care of the house just like he wanted it, she knew exactly what to do even before he mentioned it, it was easy working with a smart person and she was very good with they kids, they would be devastated if she never comes back.

he wanted to help her but he didn't want to look weak helping a n***o, he had already made a mistake coming down to the slave quarters.

"call the doctor jesus Andrew",he said leaving the room as mama jess quickly went in to check on Nadia she had seen the master and his men coming down here and she had quickly followed behind.

Nadia had lost consciousness due to excessive loss of blood,mama jess was scared for Nadia she knew that this wasn't normal she was expected to bleed but not this much.

"what the hell happened here",master asked coming in the room again he felt frustrated he doesn't even know why.

"she had lost a child",mama jess said keeping it short,he didn't need to know any other thing.

Robert rub his wet palm over his face knowing exactly what happened, he knows that she didn't loss a child but she got rid of it,he was glad that she did else he surely would've done it for her this is what he meant earlier when he said 'it was easy working with smart people',Nadia was a smart girl good for her.

he rode off leaving the doctor to take care if Nadia is the least that he could do for her anyway.

he didn't want to end up like his father with a little mulatto running around with his blood.

Robert desperately needed a drink as he losen his tie before taking a big gulp from his whiskey bottle.