DEAD ALIVE

HELL AND BACK

its been a week since i almost lost my life due to my stupidity, I had cry for three days for the loss of my child but I don't think that I regret it, that child would have been born to this world of sorrow.

"he probably would have accept you and that child, you should have kept your baby, look he even brought you a proper doctor", mama jess said smiling.

I roll my eyes at that, i know deep in my heart that he never would have accepted that child and even if he had let us live he would sell my baby off the moment that they stop sucking from me.

"no he would've mama please just stop bringing that up I am trying to forget that i ever even got pregnant, but you won't let me".

I said getting angry she never miss an opportunity of making me feel guilty and it was seriously getting me pissed.

"well I am just saying", she said with her hands up before leaving the room, I roll my eyes taking my attention back to my food.

the doctor gave me some medicine that were at least better in taste than mama jess awful herbs, I was glad that i didn't die and was more grateful for mama jess that she took the time in taking care of me even if she didn't have to.

I have been to hell and back but she stood by me all this while, making sure that i ate properly before taking the medicine that the doctor had given me.

most of all she made sure that my secret was safe, nobody knew about what had happened only for mama jess and her friend.

I had told mama jess that her friend was crying for me and she had shake her head sadly at that.

"she wasn't crying for you i***t you're not that special please, she was crying because she had loss a daughter to abortion in the past year, her daughter was pregnant for her master just like you, her mother had pleaded with her to keep the child but she was adamant to get rid of it, she bleed to death, she was crying because she saw her daughter in you and that blood must have brought back bitter memories".

only then did i understand her emotions, I had thought that she was only being dramatic not knowing that she had a valid reason, I felt sorry for her.

I wasn't in that much pain anymore I could do things by myself and I would be going back to master's house by tomorrow, this made me really sad I like it here no i love it here I miss the kids but I didn't want to go back there.

I was somewhat happy that master had seen me in that condition maybe he would be frightened enough to never come near me again.

today was the last day that I have to be free and I wasn't going to waste it by not sleeping.

I climb on mama jess bed wrapping myself in her warm blanket smiling stupidly to myself as i thought about Ceaser i haven't seen him in a really long time now, I miss him badly, I miss talking to him and laying my head on his shoulder while teasing him about how much alike he and master Robert are or teasing him about his cabbages.

I wonder if he even miss me at all he probably is still angry at the rumors that his lovely sister had spread.

I close my eyes and before long I was dreaming, dreaming that i was in the woods getting some herbs for mama jess when i all of a sudden i saw maste on a tree smirking down at me with this evil look in his eyes.

I wanted to run but I couldn't, he brought out something from behind him but I couldn't properly see what he was holding until i heard a baby cry.

he was holding the baby by the leg, shaking the child causing him to cry so loudly I ran towards him to try safe the baby.

he let go of the baby leg while laughing loudly, he looked so evil I ran while screaming to try safe the baby.

I woke up sweating and frightened i was so afraid of that dream, I didn't know what that dream meant but the best i could come up with was that master would have killed my baby and made me watch.

I didn't feel like sleeping anymore so I got out of bed looking for anything to take my mind off that disturbing dream.

I went out to go check on the little kids that I have met the other day I was hoping to have a chat with them or just watch them play as time went by.

they kids were not where to be found, I looked all over for them but I guess the had gone with there parents to the plantation today.

I was going back to just go lie and rest till everyone got back later in the evening when I heard movement, I followed the moment and wish that i didn't as stupid Anna was the i found.

we stare at each other wordlessly before I decide that I didn't have strength for drama and I walked away.

"Nadia", she called but I didn't wait nor look back, she needs to go be with her lover and leave me alone, seeing her had just ruin my day.

"Nadia, wait", she said standing in my way, "I am sorry OK, i didn't mean to hurt you".

this made me laugh, " OK so I begged you to not tell anyone and you did the opposite, if you didn't mean to hurt then what was your intention", I asked folding my arms on my chest waiting for her to answer.

she didn't say anything making me laugh while shaking my head "I thought so to", I said walking away.

"and please stay away from me unless you need another slap", I said with out looking back, what a snake.

I said on the floor by mama jess bed peeling the orange that I had gotten earlier from a very short tree in the woods, it always amazes me how that little tree could even produce any fruit.

I wasn't pregnant anymore so i didn't always feel like sleeping like i did before so i had more time on my hands to do nothing than worry about going back to master's house.

my bleeding hasn't completely stopped yet, i was still bleeding but not as much as i did when i first had an abortion, i didn't want to go back there i wish there was a way to stay here for a week more.

"I miss you so very much", I said hugging mama jess tightly, she had just come back from wherever everyone was back from the plantation at least an hour ago.

"OK please get off me", she said trying to push me off her but i refuse to let go i only hold on tighter making her groan.

"say you miss me first", I said smiling trying to annoy her.

"never", she said making me laugh and squeezing her harder, "fine then we will stay like this", I said not letting go.

"my goodness, I miss you Nadia, now let go Jesus", she said and i let her go smiling widely.

"I only let you go because i wanted to and not because you earned it", I said sitting on her bed while she went to drop things.

"you are so annoying", she said throwing some food ingredients at me making me laugh, it fun to see her annoyed.

"oh my goodness where did you get this from", i said hugging her again making her to groan while hitting me with her elbow.

"I told you, i hunt unlike you lazy girl", she said preparing the guinea fowl, i was so excited and couldn't wait to eat, I really enjoy eating meat.

mama jess and I made dinner with our roasted spicy meat before cleaning up and gathering our food and water to the room where we both sat on the floor eating.

"hmm so good", I said while eating and mama jess throw a bone at me clearly annoyed.

we sat like idiots on the floor after eating, we were to full to even move I have eaten so much I didn't even want to hear the word food anymore.

"we should go dance with they others", she said helping me up and i happily followed her out.

we were dancing like crazy people with the others i have never drank any form of alcohol before until now thanks to mama jess craziness she was a beast when she gets drunk, I wasn't drunk but i felt the effect of the alcohol.

I spotted Anna sitting by her self on a log a few feet away from all the fun, i wonder what was wrong with her, her lover must've broken her heart, good.

someone grab my hands dragging me away from the craziness until the drums slowly fades away,I pull my hand from them because i didn't know where i was going to and with whom.

"Ceased", I said jumping in to his arms hugging him tightly, he hugged me back for a moment before pulling away making me frown before his lips met mine.

he had never kiss me like this before, this kiss felt different from all the other ones that we had share before, there was so many emotions in it. love, hate, miss and anger.

he kiss me long and deep until my lips were swollen and were hurting slightly before he pulled away.

none of us said anything as he lead us to the river side, I sat with my legs in the water while sat beside me, it was awkward as none of us said anything.

we both had a lot to say but didn't know how to bring it up.

"its been a while, how have you been", he said kissing my neck making me giggle as it tickles.

'well i have been to hell and back', i wanted to say but i didn't.

"I have being fine, I guess, how about you", I said taking his hands in mine.

"am alive", he said and i smile looking at his face he was too cute for me how is he even mine.

"I have missed you, its been ages", he said and i nodded in agreement.

"I have been here but you never show up", he said and i explained to him how i have been be here too waiting for him, and how we must have been coming on separate days.

I told him that i have been sick for the past week and that i have been leaving with mama jess for that period of time, I of course did not tell him that i was pregnant or anything and had an abortion because i was no i***t.

"well I glad that you are feeling better now, sorry I wasn't there", he said pulling me to his chest.

'thank god you weren't there', i said i my head.

"its fine, I am sure that you have been busy", I said leaning up to peck his lips which later turn in to a full hot kiss.

we sat in a comfortable silence just enjoy each others company until i decide to ruin the peace.

"i guess you must have heard then", i asked with my head against his chest he didn't say anything for a while and I didn't ask again.

"heard what exactly", he asked with his eyes close, "you know what, don't make me say it", I said slightly annoyed.

"yes i heard, is it true", he ask totally calm. "no, its not true they forced their selves on me how could even think that it was true", I said pulling away from him making him to sit up.

"I didn't think it was true I asked if it was true Nadia, why are you getting like this", he asked and I kept quite.

"you don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, you brought it up anyway", he said and my eyes began to tear up i was feeling sad all of a sudden i didn't like the way he was avoiding to talk about it, maybe because he thought that i willingly participate in that nasty act.

"I haven't seen you in a while Nadia please don't ruin this, i don't want to fight", he said lying back on the grass as I sob quietly.

"why wouldn't you talk about it then, it is because you think its true all what your sister said", I asked him crying while he said up.

"jesus christ Nadia, if I thought that it were true then trust me I wouldn't be here right now, I don't want to talk about because it will only bring back memories that would hurt you, trust me i know just what that sick Lawrence is capable of doing, he said breathing hard.

"I don't want to talk about it because it is very painful for me to think about another molesting the woman that i love and I can't do anything about it, do you know how hard it is for me to see his that bastard Lawrence every other day walking around alive, i fight with my self everyday to try and not kill him, but if you want to talk about it then please let's talk about it by all means".

he said making me cry even harder i didn't realize that he cared that much, i didn't realize that even he was hurting.

"am sorry, I didn't know", I said sniffing.

"no am sorry I shouldn't have yelled at you like that i know that you are hurting and I trust you more than you know, i would never believe what people say", he said pulling me to him so I could cry my pain out and i did just that as he rubbed my back pressing soft kisses to my head.

"I am no longer a virgin", I said out of the blue after i pull my self together I needed to get it off my chest.

"Master Robert took that away from me, he raped me, he hurts me every other day",I said finally crying my heart out on his chest while he said nothing.

"am sorry i didn't mean for any of this to happen please don't leave me",I cried holding him tighter afraid that he would leave if I let go even a bit.

"my goodness Nadia please",he said pulling me away from him my heart broke for a moment until he held my face with a kind loving look on his face.

"it not your fault that any of that happened and i am sorry that you even have to go through this and there is nothing that i can do about it,i will never leave you never",he said kissing my lips.

"and please stop saying sorry",he said and we both laugh i felt so relieved that i have gotten this off my chest and more relief with the way Ceaser have handled it.

I was expecting for him to freak out and call me a harlot i was expecting him to say hurtful things to me but he surprised me by saying the most sweetest thing anyone have ever said to me,i fell in love even more if that was even possible.

"I love you very much Ceaser",I said with tears in my eyes i was simply overwhelmed with pure love and adoration for this man.

"i love you too baby",he said pulling me in for a deep hot kiss which i gladly return he had the softest plump lips ever I could kiss him forever.

"everything would be better soon i promise,i am really working hard to earn a room for myself so we could get married but whatever I do never seem to be enough for Lawrence",he said with this sorrowful look in his eyes.

"its fine really everything would come at the right time don't beat your self up about this",I said kissing his lips again.

"my goodness Ceaser",i said looking at his hard on while laughing.

"stop laughing please,you turn me on so badly you can't blame me",he said trying to cover it up with his hands.

we sat in each other arms talking about so many things and laughing until day break,we were enjoying being together that we didn't want to leave each other even though we had to.

I slowly push open the door to mama jess room trying my best to not make any noise every one would be up in an hour or two.

Ceaser escorted me to her door we shared a long kiss before agreeing to meet in our spot after every two days I watch until his back disappear before i went in.

I made my way through the dark until I lay comfortable on the couch covering my self up with my blanket.

"you should have gone with that silly boy and make babies", mama jess said while i was about to sleep making me laugh, my goodness she was like a witch I thought she was sleeping.

"there will be no babies,you are safe please go back to sleep,you are so nosy",I said smiling to my self.

"there better not be,pregnant girls aren't welcome here anymore",she said joking but also hinting for me to try and not get pregnant.

she didn't need to worry about that because Ceaser and i definitely are not having any kids and i believe that master wouldn't come back to me again.