DEAD ALIVE

SATISFACTION

I did feel relieved after slapping Anna's face, it felt really good i felt satisfied honestly she was a snake and she probably deserves more than that.

everyone was saying hurtful things to me without even knowing the full story, I guess that I am paying for my sins I use to judge people before without really knowing what was happening.

I have cried enough seriously I wasn't sure why i care about what people say about me, I guess that I can see where they are all coming from i would be disappointed also if I found a n***o girl giving her body to a white man or the other way round.

we are suppose to stick to each other and stay away from those s*x hungry white men.

I didn't want to cry anymore I didn't think that i have anymore tears in me anyway people would say what they want to say if I cry or not.

I decided that i wasn't going to cry over what people say anymore it was pointless anyway.

I have force out of my head the humiliating act that master and his friend force me into I didn't want to think about it anymore it was just too much shame to bear.

I was amazed when master gave me permission to go out without any problems perhaps me trying to poison him has taught him to not mess with me.

I sat by the river for time gathering my thoughts and processing everything while hoping to see Ceaser, he never came and I needed to get back to start with lunch and maybe learn something from Sara's teacher I really wanted to learn how to read master had so many books in his office perhaps I could read one someday.

I got back and lean against the door while listening to the teacher speak to Sara and henry played with so tools behind.

their class was almost over anyway and I have promise to play with them later today, I tried but I didn't understand anything that was going on, I didn't understand what the teacher was saying I bet Sara must be a really smart girl.

I open the door for the kind sir, he smiled at me before stepping out I close the door but then I ran after him.

"hello sir, do you think that you could maybe help me read a little", I asked nervously laughing as he stare at me like i was crazy.

"are you crazy, sorry but I can't do that", he said crushing my hopes and walking away.

well i guess I would have to find another way Look for another way to learn how to read.

master left the house immediately after lunch leaving us time to play, we were currently outside playing in the garden.

Henry was on my back as we both chase Sara around with meow following us everywhere I am so glad that i brought her back.

they kids were laughing so much, I didn't know why they were so excited, honestly I didn't understand what was making them laugh so much but it made me happy so i join them in laughing.

I was tired so I sat down while they kids kept playing.

"Nadia look at me, please look here Nadia", Henry scream excitedly riding on his sister's back they really were enjoying their self.

I let them play for a little while as i enjoy the outdoor, i was feeling strongly to get back at Anna, i wanted to tell everyone of the evil affair that she was having with the priest but i was better than that.

Anna did hurt me badly i thought we were sisters I trusted her and this is what I got for trusting someone that I have known for years.

mama was right you really can't trust anybody, people are never to be trusted I guess i have learn that the hard way.

"let's go in now kids, that's enough for one day", i yell but they kept on running around, they never get tired it was disturbing.

I grab Henry by his waist kicking and screaming of how he hated been inside and Sara follows behind with meow in her arms.

I help them wash their hands and fed meow before sitting to watch them do their school work.

"Nadia look", Henry said showing me his book i took a look at it but i didn't understand anything, I felt bad that i couldn't help him out.

"Nadia can't read or do any school work", Sara said to Henry while laying on her stomach and using different colors on her book, I thought she was making a mess.

we decided that Henry leave his homework until his father gets back to help him.

"can we please eat now, we don't have to wait for father", Sara whine they were hungry and their father was yet to get home, they always have dinner with their father but it was getting late and he still wasn't back.

they ate their food while constantly looking to see if there father was at the door, I suddenly felt guilty they loved their father very much and I had almost taken that away from them their lives would have change for the worst and I would have been dead, master's family would have killed me for sure.

they kids fell asleep in the living room and I struggle to carry them up to their rooms before coming back to wait for master.

I slept off in the living waiting for master but he didn't show, I was so sleepy and tempted to go to my room but i didn't want to attract unwanted punishment.

I sat on the floor by the kitchen door leaning my head back on the wall, my eyes were pleading to let to rest.

it was really late it was pass mid night already and that selfish man was yet to get back my eyes were bleeding the needed sleep.

I woke up to master smiling in my face his breath stung of alcohol i stood up and tried to get pass him, he was so drunk.

he tried walking up the stairs but it was a total failure, I have never seen the man like that before he sat at the bottom of the stairs and i rolled my eyes what a i***t.

I couldn't help him up the stairs else we both will end up rolling down the stairs together he was too big for me to help him up by myself.

I manage to get him to stand on his feet so I can lead him to the sitting room, he was leaning on me while blabbering rubbish it was a struggle he didn't deserve any of this especially not from me.

I threw him on the couch catching my breath he was almost falling but I quickly caught him pushing him back to lie properly on the couch I put his legs up to join him.

so stupid, i felt slapping his face he kept saying rubbish with his eyes close while I watch him closely he really does look ceaser.

"you don't deserve this", I said with a small tap to his head and he laughed at that I hope he doesn't remember any of this in the morning my boldness would get me killed one of this days.

"Nadia, Nadia" he slurs out, I was this close to slapping him he makes me so angry, I should have left to roll down the stairs and probably fall to his death.

he was quiet and I thought that he had fallen asleep until he began crying, this scared me i have never seen the man show this type of emotions before why was he even crying.

I didn't know what to do this was really awkward, should I just run to my room or should I stay and watch him cry, I really am confused.

I didn't want to just leave what if the i***t harm him self the least that i could do right now for Sara and Henry is to look after this drunk before he harm himself.

he tried getting up and I rush to help him sit back, this was crazy to me I have never seen anyone this drunk before.

he hug my stomach so tight as he kept on crying I wanted to laugh this was really funny for me but i hated this it was so uncomfortable his hold was just so strange.

I just stand their awkwardly not knowing what to do, he had dress soak with tears and snot so disgusting.

"I am so sorry", he whine and I rolled my eyes ignoring him he was quiet so I figured that he had fallen asleep.

I push him back slowly releasing my self from his hold before slowly moving back to see if he really was asleep.

I tiptoe back to my room throwing my self on my bed, even I felt drunk i was so drunk in sleep I didn't waste a second after hitting my bed before sleeping.

I was dreaming that i was lying down by the river side sleeping peacefully with a fish on my face calling my name.

"Nadia, Nadia please wake up Nadia", the fish said and i opened my eyes to see Sara and Henry looking down at me.

what are they doing here so late at night i wonder while sitting up.

"why aren't you sleeping", I ask rubbing my eyes.

"because its morning and someone is by the door and father wouldn't wake up", Sara explain and i quickly got out of bed nearly knocking Sara over.

I had slept so late that they kids had to wake me up thanks to master, I rush to the door and their angry teacher was about leaving.

I didn't realize just how late it was, I pleaded with the teacher to wait a bit while I got them ready.

I checked to see if Master was still alive after they kids ate and went for their classes thankfully he was still breathing.

I didn't know how he manage to carry himself in but I didn't care, he had even managed to get rid of his clothes and he was lying almost naked.

I picked everything that he had carelessly left around the room putting them in their place before leaving the room.

I laughed out loud at yesterday event, master crying like a baby was just so funny and creepy.

I didn't understand what this men gain from consuming alcohol look what it did to master, he would probably rubn mad when he realized that he was seeking for comfort in a negros arm.

he would beat himself to death if he remembers that he had hug me and that i have seen him cry even if it was a drunken cry.

I wonder what it would be like if master was actually nice I bet I would've enjoy working here.

they kids were done with their classes and i went to see the teacher out still apologizing for earlier.

"i could teach you", he said as i was about closing the door I didn't understand.

"I could teach you how to read but you must not say a word about this to anyone, they will have my head", he said walking away before i even had the chance to thank him.

I can't wait to start reading the books in master's office i wanted to know what it feels like, I would start helping they kids with their homework, I felt excited.

master didn't come down until lunch time, he was looking at me as if he had remembered me tapping his head while he was drunk.

they kids ran to him hugging their father legs he lifted Henry putting him in his sit as i serve lunch.

lunch was over and he went back to his room probably to sleep again, we couldn't go out to play today because their father was home today so the took a nap instead.

I had nothing to do and i was sure that master wouldn't need me so I escape back to my own room to rest before dinner.

~~~

its been two days since master came home drunk and he haven't said anything about it yet so I assumed that he didn't remember anything.

master and they kids were having dinner and i stood in my normal position when there suddenly was a loud noise on the door.

I answer the door and my heart skipped a bit when I saw master Lawrence, he didn't look happy though as he pushed pass me walking straight to the dinning room.

he said something to master and the both left the house quickly, after saying good night to his kids.

'you had better not come back drunk', I said in my head as they shut the door behind them.

I didn't know what master Lawrence had said to master Robert but I know that it couldn't be good.

I was happy that master was gone at least I could go wait for Ceaser and hope that he shows up.

I listen to the kids as the spoke nonstop about what the want to do tomorrow and where they wanted to go until they got and fell asleep.

I sat by the river side with my legs in the water hoping and praying that Ceaser would just show up.

he didn't show up and it was getting really late, i wonder how many nights Ceaser has actually waited for me here for and I never show up.

we didn't have a particular time of meeting we just meet when we can, it was really sad I wanted to see him everyday and talk to him everyday he has a way of making me feel better when ever I am sad.

I didn't know how ceaser will react after hearing the half rumors that his sister had spread, if he was been reluctant about us getting married before then he definitely would run away after hearing this awful and embarrassing news.

I was walking fast to go get back before master did, I saw torch light coming towards me and I quickly hid before i was spotted,we weren't allowed to be seen outside by this time they would assume that you were trying to escape.

horses were running towards the river and my heart hammer in my chest what was happening, something must have gone wrong.

my heart was still beating fast as i lay in my bed I didn't even care to wait for master, apparently some group of slaves have escape from master Lawrence plantation and that was why master Lawrence and master Robert with the other overseers were out looking for them.

they were so very close to me but luckily they didn't see me, I didn't know that I could climb trees that fast my life would've been over if anyone had seen me.

master Lawrence looked like a beast out there he really was out for blood, I pray for the those slaves who had escape, I prayed that they would be able to make it without getting caught.

the hardship here was just too much, sometimes unbearable some slaves rather take the chances of running away and be caught than not trying at all.

I wish that this people would put their selves in our shoe for once and know what it feels like to work all day under the sun with out food and very little water to drink.

I didn't even want to think about all of those horrible things right now I just wanted to sleep and forget about the real world.

*

they kids ate their breakfast and ran off to their classes leaving master on the table and me in the corner.

he asked for me to come closer and I did, he didn't look happy what did I do now.

"what the hell where you doing on the tree, when you were supposed to be looking after my kids", he said slamming his fist on the table.

I didn't know how to react, I didn't know that he saw me last night, I felt embarrassed but also terrified of what he saw going to do with me.

"i went to get some herbs, I wasn't feeling too well master, I apologize for that", i said hoping he would buy it.

he didn't say anything but his eyes said it all he sent a strong warning only with the way he looked at me before leaving.

they kids were done and I let them go play with meow while i sat on the floor in their lesson room listening to the teacher as he spoke while trying his best to explain things for me.

to be honest i didn't understand anything that he was saying but i didn't say any thing, i guess learning would take a little while, I didn't think that the teacher would ever take the time to teach somebody like me honestly, I didn't know why he was helping me but I hope that it doesn't back fire.

I thank the teacher as he was leaving excitedly I can't wait for tomorrow evening though I found the teacher boring and I didn't know what he was doing.

I have never thought of what I wanted to be if we were allowed education and the free will to choose what you want to be, I would most likely be a doctor, a doctor that doesn't have to deal with blood if there was anything like that.

master didn't come for lunch so it was just they kids and meow, I truly was not feeling so well now I suddenly felt dizzy I thought the room was spinning around.