DEAD ALIVE

FEAR

I have been laying on my bed for some time now but I still couldn't sleep, how could I with that monster in this same house.

he was going to come I just know that, I kept hearing footsteps approaching my room yet no one was really there my heart was pounding I just couldn't have a peaceful night thanks to that rapist.

the night time was the only time that I could have peace of mind and be left alone in my own thoughts.

but no anymore, things have changed the night is what I fear the most right now because of master.

my eyes were heavy I needed sleep but I didn't want to sleep i hated the shock of waking up to someone on my bed it scares me to no extend.

I couldn't fight the sleep anymore just as I was about to close my eyes and just sleep my door slowly open it was as if he was trying so hard to not make a noise, my heart was beating fast as I thought of a way to defend my self from this monster, I grab the torch but I didn't turn it on I was going to use it on his head and defend my self by saying, i had thought that it was an intruder.

I held the torch very tight so I could get him good.

"Nadia", a small voice called and I quickly turn the torch on.

"jesus child what in the world are you doing here, its so late", I said as my heart beat slow down at the sight of Sara.

I had almost whack her head and won't have end well with the amount of force that I had intended on using she definitely won't have not survived it and that makes the two of us.

"I couldn't sleep Nadia"she said hugging my legs and I smooth her hair I guess she had a bad dream.

"I couldn't sleep and father wouldn't wake up". she said holding my leg tight as if she was scared to let go.

"its OK I will come with you,let's go", I said taking hold of her hand and leading her out of my room she almost gave me a heart attack.

I wonder how she had even manage to make her way down to my room in this darkness without hurting her self it was really dark.

I put her in her in bed covering her with her soft blanket before I sat on the carpet by her bed so I can sing to her it might help her sleep again.

"did you have a bad dream", I asked and she nodded her head yes.

"do you want to tell me about it",I asked again and she nodded no so I just let her be, I sang softly to her but she wasn't falling asleep yet and i was getting tired so I just lay my head on her bed and hope that she would be able to fall asleep with my presence here.

I woke up with Sara fingers in my one ear I had overslept clearly, I rush to my room to take and bath and then back to the kitchen to start with breakfast.

I went to check on Henry first since Sara didn't sleep enough last night,henry was an early bird so he was already up and hyper.

I bath him while answering all his questions that I had already asked me before but I didn't mind I think it was cute his curiosity was cute.

"but Nadia you never bath father", he said staring at me in confusion. you don't know that kid I said in my head.

" because your father is a big boy Henry and he can take care of himself, but you are so tiny so I have to take care of you", I said tickling him as he giggled thrashing around trying to get out of my hold.

"are you a monkey" he asked as I stop tickling him making me frown at his question he have never asked me this before.

"do I look like a monkey to you", I said smiling up at him I really wanted to know what he thinks, they had learned a lot since their visit to their grand parents house.

"I don't know maybe, do you like bananas",he asked as we struggle to get him in his pants because he didn't want to wear any clothes today.

"no monkeys are animals and it isn't OK to call a person a monkey I said to him and he stares at me like I had horns I let him be and went to check on sara with Henry crawling behind me for what ever reason.

taking care of sara was quick as she mostly wanted to do things by her self thinking she was a big girl.

they finished their breakfast and went on for their classes lucky them I thought as stood there waiting for master.

the humiliation I felt yesterday was still fresh in my mind as could still make out they masters voice as the made of my appearance.

Ceaser was right about this Lawrence of a man he had said so many nasty things to me yesterday after they kids had left the room.

so many nasty comments that my eyes filled with tears, I thought that i was so use to insult and harsh treatment that i could never cry about again but I did cry yesterday.

it was as if he had already decided that he hates me even before meeting me,I hated the man, from the way he laughs whenever he would say hurtful things while enjoying my pain was just crazy.

master finish his breakfast and I went to start with mine I eat while planning my day in my head.

I stood and listen ask the teacher taught Sara I honestly didn't understand anything that he was saying, the only thing that i understood here was that Henry was giving the teacher a hard time.

He kept fussing around as the poor teacher tried to make him settle down and learn something.

"please settle down Henry and stop playing its time to learn", I said making my presence known.

"Nadia" he scream running to hug my legs.

"why aren't you learning", because i don't want to,he said confidently making me shake my head.

"oh okay I should take meow back that is since you don't want to learn", I said pretending to go out.

"no please Nadia I promise I will learn and stop being naughty just please don't take meow away", he beg while running back to go join the teacher and Sara.

he sat quietly like he was innocent and the teacher wordlessly thank me, I smile at Henry before leaving them alone.

I am so very grateful for meow my life has become so much easier with meow here I didn't need to speak for long anymore i just need to speak about taking meow away and that would fix everything.

I wanted to go sit by the river side but j couldn't as master wasn't around and I couldn't leave without permission only if I wanted a repeat or worse of what had happened the other day.

I went to my favorite place in the house, the kitchen and decided to make a treat for the kids before getting started with lunch.

this was my life so boring, nothing to do at all apart from taking care of this house and the children, I couldn't even go back to the quarters to visit the people that i consider my family.

back at the quarters despise the hardship that we go through we still manage to get back out lives in the night time.

we would always gather around the fire singing and dancing, some gossiping and some eating and drinking it use to be fun and full of life.

I envy those that are still back there enjoying every other night, my nights were the worst, sitting in the kitchen floor until my butt get numb waiting for master to go to bed and after that I would stay up in fear that master would come and hurt me.

I wanted to go back and be with Anna, I wanted to make fun of master with her I wanted to laugh at the girls that stay in the same room with us just to annoy them but that was just a dream.

I made lunch while waiting and watching closely on the cake that was in the oven, I took the cake out and it looked simply lovely it lighten my mood.

I fed Henry his food as he kept trying to talk with a mouth full and Sara screaming at him for been disgusting.

"let's go play outside again Nadia please", they whine following behind me as i went to feed the kitten.

I didn't want to take my chances with their father coming back to catch us playing outside with out his permission.

"well I have a better idea,why don't we play inside it would be fun to", I said trying to convince them, they weren't happy but they agreed anyway.

I sat on the couch that I wasn't allowed to sit on while they kids ran around screaming so loudly making me want to cry.

I really do miss ceaser its been a while since we last saw, I miss talking to him, I miss putting my heavy head on his shoulders while saying nothing.

I really wish that he would say that he wanted to marry me and take me away from here but I don't think that would be happening any time soon.

I think that I better start getting comfortable here, the sooner the better for me.

I understand where ceaser was coming from honestly I understand his fear of getting married and bringing me with him.

Lawrence truly was an awful person but even still I didn't think that he would ever stoop so low to rape a married woman and i didn't even know if Lawrence was a rapist or not.

my goodness what now I thought as i went to see why Henry was crying.

"Nadia look Sara hurt my arm", he said holding his arms up to me there was nothing there but I rub it for him any way while singing the sorry song that he loved so much.

he had stopped crying the moment I touch his arm making me know for sure that the was nothing wrong with him he was only being a child.

once again i was back in the kitchen again crying because the kids were here to help again more like here to make to a mess.

"no not the knife please", I said grabbing it from her hands, my goodness.

"don't touch this never again", I said seriously to the both of them and the both nodded their heads in understanding.

i continue with the preparation of dinner and kids continue to make a mess while fighting each other here and there.

master still wasn't back to eat dinner with them, I put Henry in bed first and he was quick to fall asleep after all that play.

Sara made me stay with her until she was fully asleep, I didn't mind that at all I wish that I could sleep right here on the floor of her room just to avoid her Father.

I went to the kitchen to go take care of the dishes and to keep my self busy until master get back.

I gave up trying to keep my self busy and sat on the cold kitchen floor while waiting for that selfish man to get back.

I open my eyes to master looking in my face I stood to my feet quickly almost knocking him over.

"master" I greeted but he didn't say anything he just kept on staring at me. he came at me and I move back until I was stop by the counter.

I couldn't move as I was trapped by him, he was so close to me I could smell the alcohol on his breath it made me panic.

"strip this rags off", he said pulling at my dress,no no I scream in my head.

"take this s**t off",he said pulling more harshly at my dress until it torn another one of my few dresses.

I use everything that my hands could touch to hit him,like the carrots, onions and even tomatoes the kitchen was a mess.

but he won at last he always won over me I didn't fight him because I couldn't so I let him do as he please.

he groan in my ears while laughing and putting his disgusting saliva all over my face and neck.

my right eye was in pain due to the hit that I got from master during our struggle, thankfully I got him hard to on the lips.

I felt the warm sticky liquid drip from between my legs and i knew that it was over for now.

he left me standing there with his liquid dripping out of me, I didn't look but I know that he was gone, knocking down everything that was in his way.

I didn't cry because i have promise my self to never cry over this again, for how long would I cry over something that wasn't going to stop.

I will take it as a way of life from now on, what was the point of struggling when he always won.

I will be fine as long as I don't get pregnant i suppose, I will do my best to never miss a day of drinking that disgusting mixture of herbs.

I clean up before falling on my bed to sleep while trying really hard to not cry because I have promise to not cry especially not because of master, I am a big girl now and I mustn't cry over every little thing that happened to me.

I must definitely am not the only one getting raped every night,most girls out there are going through the same thing and I don't see them whining on the streets like little girls.

I woke up quite early washing up before going to the kitchen, my goodness the kitchen was a total mess there was vegetables, utensils and food every where I didn't even know how to begin.

I finally finished cleaning up the mess that man made with difficulties it was way worse than when they kids made a mess.

I got the kids ready for the day and before long they were done with breakfast and were off to their classes.

my right eyes was swollen pretty badly I looked so hideous right now as I made my way to master office I didn't even bother knocking as I push the door open and letting my self in.

I didn't need to be told twice with the look in his eyes as I wordlessly went out the door and knocked before coming in when he asked me too.

his lower lips was swollen thanks to me,i gave my self a mental pad on my back for my good job.

I had taken time to celebrate his lips while I was out the door I have never been more proud of my self before.

"I would like to take a break please",I said rolling my eyes in my head it hurts that I had to be polite to him.

"where to, slave".he said with his swollen lips.

"to not get pregnant by you", I said before i could stop my self,I was so stupid now i have manage to earn my self a whipping.

"good, you better go do that or else i would be more than happy to take of you if you even think of getting pregnant".

he said clearly threatening me,honestly some times I wonder if this man was just stupid or pure evil.

I didn't wait for him to speak anymore nonsense before leaving his office I checked on the children to see if Henry was being a good boy or not before leaving for the bush.

I walk silently through the bush singing to myself when i thought i heard something I followed sound and immediately wish that I had just mind my business.

I needed to look away but I didn't,I stood their like a creep watching this two people as the have s*x like wild animals.

it was a n***o man and a white woman i laughed at the way she was screaming,i tried to figure who they were but they were far and I couldn't risk going near if i still value my like people can do anything to keep their dirty little secret.

I gather my herbs and made my way to the river to get started on making my concussion.

I close my eyes before drinking the awful thing, my only consolation was master's busted lips.

I was seriously rethinking my decision on being submissive to him,I seriously enjoy seeing him with a busted lips it made me proud.

I sat with my feet in the water enjoying the peaceful nature of this place maybe I will bring they kids here some day not any time soon though.

I took a deep breath occupying my mind with the thoughts of food and ceaser, I laughed out loud as the thought of ceaser's favorites food cross my mind that has to be the craziest thing that I have heard in a really long time.

I decided to go to the quarters hoping that master wouldn't mind since there was still some time before lunch.

I was hoping to see Anna and made things right because i had a lot that I wanted to tell her and I really hated it when we fight.