DEAD ALIVE

MAMA

"Father", i said kissing his hands trying so hard to not vomit on his hands because that was what i felt like doing right now.

I was at his house since I went to look for Anna at the quarters but she wasn't around so I figured I would find her at her "lover's" house so here I was standing by his door and kissing those filthy hands of his god knows where the have been, eww.

"I came looking for Anna since she work her", I explained my self as he was looking at me strangely.

"of course please come in i was just leaving", he said stepping out to let me in I smiled sweetly at him and said my good bye as he walked away.

"Anna", I called while making my self comfortable on his filthy couch with some biscuit in my hand.

"Anna", I scream again when she didn't come out, I was about going to check up on her but she came out of one of the rooms.

"what in Gods name are you doing here Nadia", she asked clearly surprise to see me.

"well I came looking for you but you weren't at the quarters so I knew I would find you here" I said smiling when chewing on my biscuits, those biscuits were good.

"you should leave now, I can't believe you followed me all the way here just to judge me". she said making me roll my eyes

"calm down I am not here to judge you as a matter of fact I am here to apologize, I shouldn't have judge you the way I did its your life do what you want to do with it just be careful please", I said with a heavy heart.

she smiled before pulling me into a hug, "thank you,that really means a lot coming from you",

she said making me frown what does she mean ' coming from me' i didn't say anything though I just smiled returning her hug.

"I miss you so very much", she said getting excited "tell me everything that has been happening to you in that awful house", she said making me laugh while she sat down beside me.

"well its been hell as you know", I said gaining all of her attention.

I told her everything that has happened while we weren't in speaking terms leaving out the part of master taking advantage of me I didn't need any body knowing about that.

she sympathize with me for all the beatings that I had received but she was glad that i at least got to eat their food.

I told her about just how adorable the children are and how the have manage to make my life worth living for even though they can be a little too much.

"you should come visit whenever you are free I said while standing up to leave I am sure that master wouldn't mind.

my stomach tighten in pain probably due to the concussion that i have consumed earlier,I was in pain but I didn't want Anna asking any questions.

we said our goodbyes before going our separate ways i was a bit late to start with lunch so I walked fast sometimes running.

"Nadia", I turned when I heard my name rolling my eyes at the sight of the people that were walking toward me.

Martha's daughter and her group of friends, i really didn't not have the time for any of this right now.

"what", I answer rudely while trying to look intimidating.

"you have become so arrogant simply because you think that you are better than everybody and

"you just wasted my time", I said cutting her off before she even finish her statement before walking away.

I refuse to get beaten up over some fight that wasn't even worth it i ran none stop until I got to the house.

I didn't catch my breath as i immediately began to start on with lunch, Henry and Sara were pass out in the leaving room probably exhausted from playing so much.

I was quick with lunch as i kept it simple.they kids have woken up moments before I finish lunch thankfully.

they all ate lunch quietly making everything seem so boring and depressing the never eat without drama and noise.

I clean up the table and the kitchen while they kids return to go sleep which was extremely surprising but good for them.

I didn't feel like eating and I have nothing doing for now till later around dinner so i went down to my room.

this felt good I have never been able to just lie back for once and just relax in the day time like this.

I clear my mind of all thoughts and travel into a deep dreamless dream, pleading with my self to not sleep for too long.

I woke up feeling so good and refreshed the sleep was short but one of the best sleep that I have ever had before.

I dance my way to the kitchen and began making dinner I made different varieties of food setting them on the table before going up to get they kids.

they weren't in their rooms so I figured they were with their father and would come door together.

their faces look bright as the sat at the table before digging in their food while talking with their mouths full and fighting each other with the father trying to get them to stop.

I smile to my self happy to see them all back to their normal self again, I got lost in my thoughts as the ate.

I held but Sara's and Henry's hand as we walked up the stairs together, I put Henry in bed and then Sara.

Sara wasn't ready to sleep yet so I sat on the floor by her bed while she spoke about her books, her father and how much she misses her mother.

that got my attention i have never heard her talk about her mother before this was the first, she was just a little girl when her mother died so I doubt if she remembers her that much.

"I am sure that your mother misses you a lot to baby,but she is always right here in your heart, and you can always speak to her when ever you wish to", I said trying my hardest to console her.

we chat for some more before she finally falls asleep leaving me to my thoughts, I sat there just enjoying the quietness.

the lights in master's office were out letting me know that he had gone to bed.

I checked the kitchen to see if i have everything in order before going to my own room to enjoy my sleep in peace

opening the door to my room I was shocked, master was sitting on my bed waiting for me i suppose.

"I really am very tired today so if you don't mind get your self out of here", I scream in my head.

I stood by the door just looking at him I didn't know what to do maybe I should just let him have the room for the night.

"close the door",he said and I obey it was already late and I needed rest the sooner I get done with this the better for me.

I let him do as he please until he finish and then he left I went to the bathroom but the was no water left in the bucket guess I forgot to refill.

I tried sleeping but I only kept turning and tossing around for like an hour before I was finally able to fall asleep.

I had whipped marks on my back for being naughty it was just I and mama with Lamin gone we never saw papa again.

we had finally arrived at England after months of endless pain and suffering, I haven't seen mama smile in a long while.

she always looked worried and sad this was what she fear the most getting captured by the slavers.

she was worried for papa and me and maybe even herself she was sad for her fight born he had live a miserable life on that ship before finally taking his own life.

even I felt sad for Lamin I have cried for him every night before going to sleep I miss him very much my life would never be the same without my brother.

mama said that we might never see papa again I didn't say anything to that but I didn't agree with her i was some how sure that papa was going to show up.

in just one night our once happy family have been scattered and shattered everything changed in less than an hour .

I still couldn't believe what was happening to us, I still can't believe that we were in a foreign land.

we were packed in a small room we all had shackles on our neck and feet that connected us all together.

it was so very frustrating I couldn't breathe well and I have never been this hungry before in my life.

we haven't eaten anything in three days and our numbers have dropped, mama was right behind me as she did everything that she can to make sure that we didn't get separated.

the room was so tight and it smells so badly we haven't been able to bath for a long time now,people vomited and stool in that same room that we slept in and we had to live with it like that.

one of the white men drag us out roughly causing different sounds of pain to erupt from different people he was taking us out in the cold, I didn't like it here it was very cold and unpleasant.

we were divided into groups and thankfully mama and I fell in the same group.our group was led away by two white men that would often whip us for being slow and lazy.

it didn't matter that we were mostly sick and too tired to function like proper humans, it didn't matter that its been three days since we last ate anything.

two children had die the other day due to hunger, mama had cried so very hard that day that she had ended up getting whipped for disturbing they white men.

she was crying for me she was scared that she would end up losing me, that I would eventually die of hunger like those children.

~~~

I sat by the river like I would always do enjoying the quietness and peace that this places has to offer.

I was all of a sudden missing my mama very much today,I wanted to feel her warm embrace i wanted to smell her.

I would never see my mama again and I have accepted that I was a long way from her she was all the way back in England and I was her in the united States.

I often wonder if she was even alive,i wonder what she was doing i wonder if she found papa or if she got married again and now have her own children, I wonder she ever thinks of me and miss me like I do her.

I would give everything to see my mother again to let her hold me and take care of the wounds on my back,I miss hearing her laugh as she told me silly stories from when Lamin was a baby.

our life wasn't easy but we had somehow managed to be happy as long as we had each other some people were separated from their family members but i had my mama.

I love my mama so very much and I hope that she is happy and save where ever she is.

I walk back home entering inside the house expecting they children to be playing with meow in the sitting room but they weren't and meow was sleeping soundly in her bed.

I decided to just make lunch and let they kids be, "my mother would be staying with us for a few days,clean up her room".

master said walking away,I scream in my head, i wanted to bang my head on the kitchen table can my luck get any worse.

my life was already a mess with the son and now the mother just had to join in the fun, my life is going to change with this witch around.

there will be no more fun time for the children and I with her been around and they kids attitude would definitely change with her guidance.

I hope that she wouldn't be staying here for more than two days why was she even here in the first place doesn't she have her own home.

I made lunch with the old lady and set it on the table before going to get them for lunch.

they all sat on the table while i serve them before stepping aside to let them eat their food.

they kids immediately started eating but their grandma was quick to stop them from eating,she scold them for not sharing the grace before eating, the did just that before eating.

she scolded them for every single little thing,like the way they sat for example.

"that is not very lady like of you Sara,you should sit up right and do not speak with your mouth full",she spoke and Sara adjusted how she sat while Master roll his eyes.

I get the feeling that master and his mother don't get along that well,she hasn't spoke a word to me thankfully,she had only complained to her son about how she didn't appreciate the type of food that they were eating.

lunch was over and they kids left with their grandma to go learn all the things that she has to teach while I went to the kitchen to take care of my business.

I wonder why she was here seriously maybe she had a fight with her awful husband and she had to get away for a while.

she had requested for a special dinner and I got started with her dinner immediately after my lunch.

I lie in my bed thinking about all the awful things that the lady has said to me.

"get your hands off my grand son, filthy animal",she said as I attempted carrying Henry up to his room.

"my goodness Robert do you really let this animal to do as she pleases with your children".

she had asked her son who was just standing there.

"I heard all about how she had humiliated Victoria's parents",she said bitterly oh now I know why she had a problem with me.

"you had better keep that pig in check before I do it for you",she said to her son, spitting at me before walking off.

I didn't even eat dinner because my eating mood was ruined by lady Elizabeth and her mean words.

I wish she would just leave I didn't like her one bit she is one of the meanest person that I have ever meant.

she wasn't bad looking but she looks scary because of the frown that she always wear on her face, she was one angry lady.

master didn't show up yesterday thanks to his mother I suppose so i had slept like a baby last night.

I made breakfast and ate mine quickly before the family came down the last thing i need right now is for the lady to get me eating she would have my head.

I didn't go up to get they kids because their grandma had said something about not touching her grand babies.

she had also said something about bringing master a good white girl that could take care of his children and the house.

according to her, niggas weren't suppose to be allowed in the house we were suppose to work in the fields and outside the house.

I do hope that she kept to her words and bring in the white girl in to work for her rapist son.

I draw the lady a warm bath before letting her know,I wasn't sure if she needed me to wash her but with the she was towards negros I didn't think that she would appreciate my help.

they ate their breakfast after sharing the grace before everyone went to take care of their business.

I held the basket as I followed lady Elizabeth around the market while she picked what ever it was that she wanted and chat with her friends.

we have been out for way too long now and i was tired as i could be but i couldn't complain.

we went to several places that I have never been to before and then lastly to the church as she wanted to seek for the fathers blessings.

she adores father Benjamin, she had gotten to many gifts for him from the market I roll my eyes at that if only she knew who he really was she would be the first to throw a stone at him considering just how she hates black people.

I stood at the save distance from them as the sat in front of the discussing matters that weren't my business.

she was asking the father if he knew of any young white female that will be willing to assist at her son's house.

he didn't know of any yet but has promised to get in touch with her the moment he found one for her.

I was worried about the children because way pass lunch time and we were still out here heaven knows if we will ever return I was so tired.

she had a coach to ride her home so she had nothing to worry about plus she wasn't the one carrying all of this load.

I close my eyes thanking the lord that I can finally rest as we made it back home.