DEAD ALIVE

NO REGRETS

NADIA.

there was blood every where in my bed as I pull the stain sheets out,I had cried all night in the bathroom that night.

I contemplated suicide but I just couldn't do it that would be very foolish of me,I have never in my life been in that type of pain before.

when he entered me I felt as though my inside was been torn apart, the pain was excruciating I wanted to just die at that moment.

I couldn't believe that this was happening to me right now,I couldn't breathe mostly because my face was press deep into my mattress but again I couldn't breathe because I didn't want to.

we were in this position for almost thirty minutes I wasn't feeling anything but pain, both emotional and physically pain.

his fingers was digging deep inside my waist it felt like hell he was never going to stop maybe until I was dead, I wish I had just die at that time.

my virginity was meant for only one man, the man who will marry me that's if i ever get to marry, but that wasn't the point the point here is that,that i***t raped me.

he raped me i still can't believe it I never thought that would be a victim to this madness, now I know not to judge from a distance i have judge those girls who have been with white men and those who have gotten pregnant.

then it hit me that disgusting white sticky substance that he had put in and on me several times last night.

I was a virgin but i wasn't stupid I know just how people got pregnant and I knew what that white substance was that sticky stuff was going to get me pregnant.

I immediately left all I was doing and ran I ran as fast as I could to the only person that can help me right now mama jess.

mama jess was well known for helping all those girls who had manage to get themselves pregnant.she was your go to woman for abortion or avoiding getting pregnant.

I would die if I ever get pregnant by that fool,I went into mama jess room quickly stating my problems to her as immediately got to work mixing all sorts of herbs together and giving me to drink.

I close my eyes before drinking the whole thing down without any hesitation it tastes really horrible but now was not the time to worry about that.

"I have never seen anyone drink that thing that fast before", she says smiling as if anything was funny I wanted to smack that smile off her old face.

my god this lady just saved my life now and he I was been ungrateful. I was angry but I wasn't angry at her i was angry at that sick bastard.

I said my thank you and left as fast as I could making my way back to the master's house.

I went straight back to my room taking care of the things that I needed to take care of, I didn't want to see that fool today or ever again, I didn't want to see the children either because i was so ashamed of my self but I have got to get breakfast done for the kids.

I made breakfast and soon the kids came running down and then their father followed. they all sat at the table and I proceed to serve breakfast.

I put some food in both Sara's and Henry's plate before I proceeded to start feeding Henry.

completely ignoring Robert yes I said it Robert,I didn't serve him any breakfast and frankly I didn't care about the consequences right now, rapist don't get to eat food.

he didn't say anything to my surprise he sat their with his arms folded while watching his kids as the ate.

"why aren't you eating father",Sara says with her mouth full of food.

"clearly I am not hungry darling",he said and I could feel his eyes on me the urge to roll my eyes was so strong but I was strong enough to resist it.

he kept staring at me like the creep that he was breakfast was soon over and they kids were at their classes and I got to work leaving him still sitting there.

I was angry honestly so angry that I even snapped at henry earlier he was so mad at me he even threatened never to play with me ever again, cute.

I was preparing for lunch when he came in I felt his presence but I didn't turn to acknowledge him like I would normally do.

"get me a glass of water", he said making me roll my eyes since he can't see my face.you are right next to the water i***t I wanted to say.

I quietly grab him a glass of water handing it to him, he didn't grab the water though but he did grab my neck forcing me to look at him.

"Don't you ever disrespect me like that again ever".

he said so very very close to my face the alcohol in his breath almost blind me, i watch his back as he walked away, tears fill my eyes and before I could control my tears it roll down freely.

I sat and cried on the kitchen floor as hard as I could, I cried for what my life have become and what it was going to be,I cried because some white man had force himself on me, I cried because i have loss my dignity, I cried because I know that this thing that he have started would never stop as long as I was here,I cried because I know that my life was about to get bad.

the worst part of all this was that I would be the only one carrying all of the consequences of his actions.

I prayed to God, I prayed to God to save me and to procted me from the monsters that i was stock with.

~~~~

"can you not please laugh today", I said seriously getting sick of Lawrence stupidity.

"and so what if she was a virgin Robby"

he asked sensing my seriousness

"the point here is that you enjoyed it, you loved it and you want to do it again", he said smiling broadly while shaking my shoulders.

"I did enjoy it", I said thinking back to how it felt been inside her,I want in again.

"good, so go and do it again boy then you come right back and tell me all about it", he said making me roll my eyes.

I didn't know that she was a virgin maybe I would have gone soft on her but soft was just plain boring.

she disrespected me so badly today in front of my children,she was a slave but its seems as though she had forgotten there for a minute.but I will be sure to remind her that she would always be a slave.

I wanted so badly to strangle her this morning but I kept my cool I will get her back later on.

I left Lawrence's to go check on the plantation, its the harvest season and I can't have lazy slaves on my field right now.

they were working hard and fast really i can't complain right now I'm gonna get rich.

~~~~

I waited until master went to bed before I went back to my own room, honestly I was afraid, I was afraid that he was going back and do it again and that scares me.

my body was still hurting especially between my legs and i was still worried about getting pregnant mama jess herbs aren't always right.

I put a cloth down by my door and brought my blanket down with me,I sat down there by the door with my back press up against it.

I was prepared to sit here by the door all night just in case that sick man decides to come back.

I began crying again just the thought of it made my eye water, I wanted to speak with someone, I wanted to tell somebody how I felt and how much i was hurting.

I wanted to cry on somebody's shoulders I wanted someone to hold me and tell me its all going to be ok.

but I didn't have a family to run to and I didn't want to burden Anna with my problems right now,and I absolutely can't not talk to ceaser about this he would go crazy he was already so worried.

ceaser was so right about his brother, he claims to be disgusted by me but he wasn't disgusted with the thought of taking me to bed.

I had spent the whole night that day on the floor thankfully he never showed up,my prayers must have worked.

I did my routine and set out to go start the day, i cleaned up the house first before making breakfast.

I was happy today, well not happy but I have my mind made up that i wasn't going to let that man bring me down not today not ever.

I went to Henry's room to go get him ready for the day, Henry was still mad at me for snapping at him so i had to find a way to make it up to him.

I gave a grumpy henry a warm bath before taking care Sara and then heading down for breakfast, breakfast when fine because I was asking for a whipping by not serving master his breakfast.

they kids went along with their business while I stood by waiting for him to get finished with his breakfast so I could go about with my own business.

I was so hungry and he was taking his time he didn't even look ready to leave the house yet.

"my friend Lawrence and I will be traveling tomorrow and they kids will stay at my parents you could stay at the quarters till we get back", master inform me.

"yes master,I wish you safe travels", I said bowing my head, while keeping a neutral expression.but I was dancing in my head, I did a thousand back flip in my head I was the world's most happiest person.

I waited until he left for his office before I officially did all the dance move that I knew.

I went to the kitchen and ate my breakfast happily while humming to my self, he was going to be away I don't know for how long he can go forever for all I care honestly.

I dance the whole time while cleaning the house, I was going to miss Henry and Sara very much, I wish he would leave them here so I could take care of them we would have been so happy all three of us.

but I was still happy at least I would have some time for my self, I would catch up with Anna and hopefully ceaser if his master let him stay back.

Its going to be great, I can't wait for him to leave already so i can feel free for once in my own body.

they kids left that afternoon and I am already missing them already, it was now night and master have gone to bed earlier than usual.

I lay up in bed thinking about nothing but thinking about so much at the same time.

I couldn't sleep that night mostly because I thought i kept hearing footsteps approaching my room.

I really thought that he was going to come that night, especially when his kids weren't home leaving just the two of us alone in this huge house.

I eventually slept and it was morning now thankfully he didn't come, I would like to think that I was ready to fight just incase he came.

I got up early to go get things ready for master's journey.

I went up to masters room to go pack up his things while he ate breakfast he would be leaving in a few hours.

I realize that I needed to know just how long he would be going for so I would know just how much to pack.

I went down to go ask him about it but he asked me to wait up for him in his room.I have been waiting for half an hour now.

he finally walk in sitting on the bed while directing me to on what and what not to pack.

I finished packing up and was about leaving when he stood in my way I didn't try to move because I know he wouldn't let me so i just stood there with my head down.

we stay like that for some time with him staring down at me and me staring down at the floor.

he finally move out of my way with out saying a word, he scares me honestly I don't know what he is I didn't know what category to place him in.

I didn't know if he was just crazy,sad,wicked or sick, he was all of this things if i really sat down to think of it.

I carried his heavy bags down while he stood by the door watching me struggle down the stairs.

I watch through the open door as Andrew and the other men loaded his luggage into the carrige i got him a glass of water as per his request he drank got on the carrige before riding off.

I clean up the house before closing up and running back to the quarters for three days of little freedom.

~~~

I sat on the floor as Anna made my hair while we talked, we talked about everything that have been going on around here all the juicy gossips and all the fights that I had missed out on.

we spoke a lot about everything i laugh alot through out her crazy jokes Anna was crazy, I like her a lot.

I told her all about my work and how it felt to be working at the master's house specially leaving out the part of him on me.

"I wish we could switch jobs", I said looking up at her trying my hardest to not smile, I hated master Robert but not as much as Anna hated him.

she had a serious problem with the man since he gave her that beatings, she had even promise to beat him in her moments of pain, I had laughed so hard at that.

"that would never happen girl so don't even wish it please", she said smacking my head.

"how is working at the father's house anyway", I said pulling my hair away from her before she destroy it with pain.

"well you know I love working there, its way easier than working at the plantation plus father Benjamin has been really good to me", she said smiling as if she was dreaming about something.

"what are you not telling me Anna", I asked fully facing her waiting for the juicy gossips she had for him.

"its nothing really, he is just really good to me Nadia", she sang making me frown at the way she sound.

"i know that look and that voice Anna, you had the same look and voice when you slept with Matthew".

I said sitting up straight now, I was standing to get worried now.

"before you say anything or judge me like you always do Nadia let me tell you that we are in love so please watch what you say".

I sat there with my mouth open I can't believe what I was hearing right now, I don't even know who i was talking to right now because this can't be Anna.

"wait Anna can you even hear your self right now. you sound so stupid, so very stupid please I am begging you to step out of this madness now before its too late please", I said getting angry is this girl going mad or something.

"there you go again Nadia, judging everyone because you are so righteous right, why can't you just be happy for me why are you even jealous".

I stopped her there before she could say more stupid things.

"seriously you think that I am jealous of you?".

"but what's there to be jealous of Anna,how can you even think that he loves you,so what now are you guys going to get married and live happily ever after for the rest of your lives"

I spoke at the top of my voice and she began crying but I wasn't going to stop there, making crying will help her open her eyes.

"that man doesn't love you Anna, he is clearly lying to you why don't you see that, aside been white he is a priest and can't be with any woman please wake up before its too late".

I said now crying myself, this is just so very stupid I can't believe that Anna would fall for this lie.

she is trying really hard to escape from this life that we are living and I get that,we all are trying to escape it but she was only digging a deeper hole for her self.

"Anna I love you and I don't want to see you getting hurt please".I said stepping forward to hold her hands but she quickly back away.

"please don't touch me Nadia, I trusted you enough to tell you about this, i thought that you of all people will be happy for me but clearly I was wrong"

she said sniffing, "if you accept it or not princess Nadia I am happy with him and not you or my mother can do anything about it".

she said running off,I laughed,i laughed out of fraustration i felt so frustrated I have heard of brainwash people before but I have never met one before.now my best friend is brainwash.