DEAD ALIVE

MY LIFE'S GOOD

it's been three days and master still isn't hasn't returned he had said that he will only be gone for three days and today is the fourth day, I didn't mind though my life was going go and i am still enjoying my little bit of freedom even though Andrew was hell bent on making my life a living hell,he could never hurt me like master.

it was evening time now I was sitting by the fire with all the other slaves as the sang and dance around the fire with their love ones, some where just sitting around ideal like me while some where eating or just doing other things.

it isn't like this back in England from the plantation I escape from it was hell back there like literally hell, we weren't allow to speak we also weren't allow to cry when beaten. our lives was a living hell by there I hated if so very much.

I try my best to not think about England as I shifted my attention to the old couple that were dancing beautifully.

they both look happy, as happy as the could be as the move swiftly while talking and smiling.

I admire them at least the manage to find a way to be happy even in this disaster of a live that we were living.

I wanted what they have, i wanted to be happy, I wanted to feel free, i wanted to fly free and just go settle on the mountains with ceaser and we could live there together forever.

i watch as they old couple kept on dancing while still smiling at each other causing me to smile.

I want to be with ceaser, I wanted to get married to him thats only if he wants the same thing.

luckily for us all slaves where allow to get married and be with their partners, in our case thought since we weren't from the same plantation, master Robert would sell me off to master Lawrence so i could be with my husband.

Masters often hated it when their slaves gets married into a different plantation and have to move to another plantation. so the encourage their slaves to marry within their own plantation.

I won't have to work for master Robert anymore I won't have to deal with the fear of him coming down to my room at night anymore once I am gone.

I can only pray and hope that ceaser feels the way I do, I do badly need for him to marry and take me away to his own hell.

master Lawrence wasn't a saint and his plantation was just another hell hole for slaves but that hell hole meant escape for me, even though i would have to work on the field for long endless hours at least I would be free from master Robert and I would always get to be with the one I love the most at the end of every day.

I kept looking around for Anna but she was no where to be found I guess she was with her so called love.

I use to think very highly of father Benjamin or should I just call him Benjamin now, but now I can only think of him as a diagust excuse of a man.

he was an imposter, I can't even believe that I use to adore him before we all loved him very much I imagine what people will say if this ever got out.

he was crazy really he was suppose to be a man of God for crying out loud, a man who have vow to never get close to a woman yet here he was taking advantage of my foolish friend all in the name of love.

honestly I hope that she had at least consider and thought about everything that I had said to her that night I might have come off as been harsh and inconsiderate of her feelings but no body cares about our feelings right now and I was only looking out for her best interest if she sees that or not.

that man doesn't love her even an i***t could tell that he is only using her and he would get rid of her when he gets tired.

yes maybe I was jealous of her, jealous of the fact that she has the chance to say no yet she still went ahead with giving her body to this sick white men who are all only after their own pleasure.

we use to sit around all day judging all those girls who will willingly give their bodies to those filthy white men just for a piece of meat or bread.

we use to hate them so much I personally see them as traitors to their own race and to everything that we have to go through.

but she had become one of them and honestly speaking I felt betrayed and angry very angry but most importantly i knew that she needed me to watch her back and be there for her and thats exactly what I am going to do.

"hello Nadia", Anna's mom said sitting next down next to me, I smiled sweetly at her before leaning my head on her shoulder.

she was like a mother to me, " what is bothering you mama", I said looking into the fire as burn away.

"you know what your friend is doing",she asked but she didn't need my answer as she continue to speak.

" i have tried my best to have her stop but she wouldn't listen to me, trust me child I know just how this would end I use to work for the master before and I had thought for a minute there that he love me look where that got me, I am lucky to be alive".

she said shaking her head as I listen closely having so much to say but yet I said nothing sensing that she needed someone to listen to her.

she spoke for a long time about so many things i eventually zone out leaving her to have her moment while I thought about some other things.

like when the master would return, I don't mind if he never does truth be told I would be more than happy to return back to the plantation.

I thought about they my children and wonder what the will be doing right now I do miss them very much, especially my sweet play mate Henry.

I wonder if they thought about me even for once, I wonder if they even miss me and wanted to see and play with me again, ok yes maybe I was asking for too much I will always be a slave to them but still it would be nice to know that they at least missed me like I did them.

I thought about Anna and what she was doing right now but then again I didn't want to think about it.

ceaser was suddenly in front of me blocking my view of the blazing fire.

"what are you thinking of",he asked making me smile while his mother stands to leave giving me a kiss to the cheek and doing the same to her boy.

"you I was thinking about you", I said getting bold and kissing his lips I have never done that before I only receive kisses from him but never have I given him one.

"well that's new", he says smiling like a fool making me want to disappear, he was too cute.

I laugh as he sat down with me by his side, it's was getting really late by now and most people have retired back to their rooms to rest for the night.

but this was the only time that Lawrence and I have to be together I didn't mind though I really didn't mind giving up my sleep to be with ceaser.

we talked for some long, mostly talking about nothing and pointless things that made us happy.

I have learn more about Ceaser his likes and his dislikes his favorite that was cabbage I had laughed so hard at that.

how can anyone like cabbage that much, he had said that he could eat it all week and still would love it, I seriously was in love with a weirdo.

"you really do look like your brother you know", I said ruining the mood.

"oh so you thinking of him now,I am sure you miss him" he says making me to roll my eyes at him.

"it was just an observation dummy", I said smacking his arm, ceaser does look a lot like master Robert though, apart from the slight difference in their skin tone, ceaser didn't inherit much from the black side he was more of his father and he could easily pass for white his hair says other wise though.

both ceaser and Robert were tall,slender and the had similar facial features I mean even their angry facial expression was the same it was almost funny.

they had a lot in common when it came down to physical comparison but they were nothing alike in attitude.

in as much as it pains me to admit it, master was a handsome man but he was nothing compared to my ceaser.

"well I look more like my other brother and can you please not call them my brothers", she says but I only think about what his other brother looks like.

we sat there for another hour in the dark just holding each other but we were both drowning in our own thoughts.

"I really wish that things were different Nadia",she said taking a deep breath I didn't say anything because I didn't want to wish what was never going to be I didn't want hope,hope is dangerous from where I stand.

"I wish I could take you out of here", he said again and I took that as my perfect opportunity.

"but you can, you can take me to go stay with you at your plantation we could get married you know",I said leaning more in to him.he didn't say anything for some time causing me to worried I might never get to leave master Robert house after all.

"that's not what I meant Nadia, i wish that i could take you out of this shitty life style and not just out of Robert's house"

"but you can't ceaser you can only wish it but you can't take me or anyone out of this life plus I have made my peace with that, but what you can do is take me with you so we can get through it together", I said taking hold if his large hands and bringing them to my lips.

"Nadia Lawrence is no saint I promise you, I can't believe that I am saying this but you are better off with staying with Robert for now", he says rubbing his face.

" but I don't care about any of these men, I just want to be with you, but its fine ceaser really i understand your worries", I said smoothly.

half of it was a lie but I really do want to be closer to ceaser I have imagine going to bed and waking up in his sweet embrace.

but i did care about that snake Robert I really want to get away from him and if getting married to ceaser was my way out then I would like to consider that a cherry on the cake.

"I would think about all this Nadia I promise",he says with a kiss to my hair.

"its fine no pressure",I lie while smiling sweetly at him, maybe i was the snake here.

"so can we talk about less despresing things", he said making me laugh.

"so have you seen your sister,I have been searching for her since she left my hair half down".I said touching my hair.

" nope but I do know that she is mad at you,I could make your hair though if you want" he said making me laugh.

we had stay up the whole night that day and I didn't regret any of it, i think I could say that my life is going great right now.

I watch as ceaser walk away until he disappear into the night before i went back into the room to rest before it was fully bright.Anna still wasn't here.

~~~

I stretched as I stood on my feet I have been sitting on this stone for some time now and my back was killing me.

I have sitting by the river side just enjoying the peace that came with, the birds, the sound of the water and the peace and quiet helps me to escape my reality.

master still isn't back and I couldn't be any happier like I said he can stay there forever for all I care.

the sun felt good on my skin I wanted to just sit here for ever but even I know that it was a luxury that I can't afford.

I made my way back to the quarters to see if I could get some food there to eat, that one of the only reason that i miss mastee Robert house the food, all the good food that i had to eat there was the only comfort that I could rely on.

" Nadia where were you, Andrew was searching all over for you", one of the girls said as I approach their group.

I panicked immediately, Andrew would only look for me at this time for one reason, the master was back and I needed to get back now.

I quickly ran as fast as I could back to the master's house, I felt happy but only because I was going to see Henry and Sara.

I got back to the house fast and quick i caught my breath by the door before i quietly enter the house.

it was quiet no sign of they kids or their father so I decided to start with the cleaning, i was cleaning the kitchen when Andrew walked in.

"upstairs now",he said as i wipe my hands passing by him to head upstairs

"so f*****g fat", he says as I walk up the stairs ignoring him as he was nothing but an i***t.

I went to they kids room but it was clear as day that they weren't back so I went to the master's room I knock on the door before pushing it open, master wasn't in his room, I was about leaving when master let me know that he was in the bathroom.

I didn't know if i was suppose to go into the bathroom or something so I stood there, "in here now" he called out I was hesitant but I eventually walked in to the bathroom.

i wanted to just drop dead right here right now, this fool was standing naked here just looking at me i mean completely naked with his pride standing talk .

i quickly look down not willing to part in this madness my God i just hate him why didn't he just die where ever he went.

"i should draw you a bath then", he said getting in my face, what a sick man

i quickly went pass him to get things done I draw him a bath and was about to run out when he stopped me.

"wash me" he said getting into the bath, I stood there not knowing what to do I wanted to cry it hadn't even been an hour since he got here but he was already making my life a living hell.

I have never seen a man naked before let alone some big white fool,I don't know what to do honestly but i know that I wasn't going to touch that man.

he was sitting in the bath with his back turn to me wbile he spoke.

"I asked for you to wash me slave, I shouldn't ask again".

he said like a fool I grab the wash cloth as I approach him and slowly began washing his back, I concentrated on his back for what felt like an hour until he grab my hand and pulling me to his front.

"I asked for you to wash me and not my back",he said letting go I decided the sooner I get done with this the better for me.

I began washing him, trying my hardest to not look down at him and before long I was done with washing him.

he made me dry him up with his third leg standing tall in my face,i was mad and I still wanted to cry so badly, this was so humiliating I hated every bit of it.

I went back to the kitchen to do my work while trying my hardest to not cry, I am already missing my few days of freedom I wanted to run back to the quarter and never returned.

this madness would never stop master would never stop tormenting me I was sure of that.

I miss ceasers touch so much right now. just wanted to be in his arms.

I wanted to ask about the children but it was not my business even if they never came back.

I finished take care of everything before making dinner for master and then for me its been a minute.

I ate half of my food before master came down,i serve him then move to go stand in the corner while he ate.

he took his time eating while I stood there getting tired and restless and then I zone out.

he finish his meal clean without leaving any left overs for me its a good thing that i didn't care about his left overs.

I went back to the kitchen to eat my food while waiting for him to go to bed

I stay up all night.