DEAD ALIVE

THIS IS THE DAY

I stayed up all night and that is why I am so very tired right now i haven't been sleeping well for this pass few days and my body is slowly beginning to go off.

they kids are coming back today and I couldn't be more happy, I have over heard the master telling Andrew and the other men to go get them from their grand parent's.

I miss them so very much, I try to do everything I had on hand as fast as possible before they show, so I would have time to play with them.

master didn't come down for breakfast today thankfully so i did what i do best, i eat both his and mine it felt so good.

I wanted to speak to master about giving me some time to my self like a break or something when they kids were having their classes and i don't have much to do.

I didn't know how to approach him about it though because I didn't know how he would react since he was mostly unpredictable.

I didn't need any beatings right now but i also wanted a little bit of space like the other slaves that work at other masters house.

like Anna she could go to work as she please and leave as she please even though her own was something entirely different because she has something to offer.

but I on the other hand had nothing to offer to that sick man but that still isn't going to stop me from asking him I was ready to face the consequences.

I clean the kids room and then went to take care of the master's room I knock on the door but there was no answer so I slowly push the door open before walking in with my broom.

I roll my eyes when I saw him passed out like a fish on his bed with a glass in his hands.

I stood by his bed taking a good look at his face for a minute, I was fighting an internal battle within me of if i should or should not slap his face.

I decided against it though I wouldn't want to wake the beast up now, I grab the glass from his hand, resist slapping him before walking out .

I sat on the floor of the kitchen waiting for they kids to return when I heard voices I knew the were home.

I waited for them to settle in first and catch up with father before I went to go meet with them in their play room.

"hey Henry, hey Sara", I said smiling from ear to ear at their beautiful faces I opened my arms to hug them.

henry stood up and was about running to me when Sara stopped him.

"don't touch the slaves henry remember what grandma said", she said holding her brother's hand.

well that's new but expected, I knew that this day was coming and today is that day.

it hurts yes but I have prepared my self for this day since the very first day that I stepped into this house.

I quietly close the door to their play room and quietly went back to start with lunch, leaving the kids to them selves.

I made lunch while humming to my self and thinking about ceaser, I imagine how his life was going now that master Lawrence is back, he had mentioned that master Lawrence was a lot worse than master Robert.

I use to pray for us every night before going to bed, I pray for God to make everything less painful.

I started crying for no particular reason at all, I was just feeling bad for ceaser i think his life was worse than mine right now.

I mean I can't even imagine seeing your own brothers leaving the life while you are left out calling them masters, I can't even imagine calling my father master what a life that must be.

he never complained about his living condition before, he was just grateful for been alive.

Ceaser is good too good for this awful world, too good for they Fernsby family they don't deserve an angel like him self.

l serve lunch then went to get they children to come eat, I wanted to carry Henry down but he was quick to move away from me and helping himself down.

well I guess that,that was a good thing at least he is learning to do things by him self so no hard feelings there.

I serve lunch and i was about feeding henry but he was already doing that by himself, wow I was impressed to be honest he was growing fast.

they all ate lunch while I did the usual of just standing there by the corner while the ate, great.

they finish and i clean up before starting up with dinner I really am going to miss my little innocent Henry.

I serve dinner and it was over as soon as it started,I went to get they kids ready for bed, I successfully got Sara to bed with a few mean words that I didn't even mind correcting, not like my words matters anyways she have already been taught to hate black people she have be taught that she was better than them and that they were her slaves.

I went to Henry's room to get him ready for bed, I was surprise that he let me bath him without resisting.

I didn't bother to make any conversations with him because I know that it would just be a waste of effort.

"Nadia", Henry called me while I try getting him into his sleeping clothes.

"yes Henry can i help you", I said smiling up at the little cutie.

"I will still marry you Nadia, just don't tell Sara please", he said sweetly making me smile at that.

"your secret is save with me baby". I said kissing his cheek making him smile.

"grandma said that slaves are bad and that we should stay away", he said while jumping on his bed and confirming what I thought,I knew their grandma was behind their sudden change in behavior.

i sat on the floor by Henry's bed as he spoke non stop about everything that has happened while they were away.he eventually slept off making me to smile as I cover him up.

Henry that kid always manage to make my day and put a smile on my face he was so precious to me, i hope he stays like this even when he is all grown up.

I stop in front of master office rehearsing for the hundredth time the speech that I was going to give him.

I knocked on the door and I stepped in after I was asked to, there where a bunch of ugly white men in here that work for the master they were all staring at me like fools .

I shamefully bow my head as they all call me different names, mostly fat, ugly and monkey, I wouldn't have come in here if i knew that he had guest now feel like an i***t.

I wanted to excuse my self but master wouldn't let me, he asked that I stayed in, so here i was standing in the mist of all the people that I hate.

they discuss business for hours and I stood for hours zoning in and out of their of their discussion.

I was so tired I just wanted to sleep I regretted ever coming here, they spoke about my people like trash, the spoke about their business and the spoke about how not to get a n***o pregnant.

I didn't want to hear any of it, I didn't want to hear his voice as he speaks asking them to make the people on the plantation to work twice as hard.

those people are working with all they have already some even die on the field due to the nature of the hard work and diseases that the contact out there on the fields.

this people have no sympathy at all for other humans even though they do not consider us human.

"what do you think n***o",master asked me but I had no idea on what he was talking about I had stopped listening for some time now.

"Andrew and they other men should kill all those slaves who have tried to escape, what do you think about that"

he asked standing to his feet and walking to me,I didn't say anything my eyes water I tried so hard to not let any tear fall as he kept on talking.

"I asked what you think little n***o",he asked again the room was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop, my heart was pounding so hard every one in the room had their attention on me.

I still didn't say anything i just wanted to leave this awful situation, I hate mates so very much.

"I think that you should let them go,everyone in that position would want to escape this type of life even you master".

I said with a shaking voice with my head down still trying to not cry in front of this people, i didnt know where that confidence came from but I was grateful for it, it was quiet for a moment before they all burst out laughing.

the look in master's eyes scared me but I can't take back what have already been said and even if I could i wouldn't.

"I think that you leave us alone Andrew" master said to Andrew and they others as they began going out

"oh and kill them all,display their bodies for all to see and learn", he said smiling at me and all they men left leaving me and master in the room.

I couldn't hold it in any more, I let the tears to fall out freely I was so hurt, my tears felt hot against my skin.

he stood in front of me as I cried my eyes out how can he say that so easily and even with a smile like he was talking about some animals.

he watch me as I cried with a satisfied look in his eyes he went ahead to go sit down.

I cried there for a few more minutes before I carried my self up and out of his office forgetting completely about what brought me here in the first place.

I didn't wait for him to go to bed that night i went straight to my own room jumping on my bed I just didn't care about the consequences at the moment.

things would never get better around here where can one even escape to right now there is no where safe for anyone with my type of skin.

I lay in bed that night and let my mind to take me back to when I was just a little girl.

l woke up with my hands tied to my back and my mother watching me closely my head was hurting.

" are you OK baby", she aske with worry dancing in her eyes I wasn't ok i was afraid but

"yes mama I feel fine",I said wishing she could hold me but her hands were also tired and so was papa's and Lamin.

I hated to see my family in this condition, my papa looked so hopeless and beaten up I looked away because I didn't want to cry at our condition.

we were dragged in to the biggest ship that I have ever seen before,I have always hated the ocean and ships.

been inside the ship made me feel trapped and suffocated , I always thought that i would die inside one due to lack of air .

this places was congested they were so many people crying people in here I couldn't properly breathe but I manage.

we have been traveling in here for a long time now,papa was gone they white people took him somewhere it was just mama,Lamin and I that were left here.

we didn't know were they were taking us to but we do know that it was no were good.

many people have die in here their bodies were thrown into the water mama and I cry everyday some intentionally jump into the water to escape what we were going through.

mama was against suicide but even she couldn't blame those people this was horrible this place is horrible.

we relieve our selves in the same room that we slept in and eat if we are lucky in that very same room.

life isn't easy in here there were so many sick dying people, Lamin was sick very sick he was beaten up pretty badly for trying to stand up for mama.

his wounds were badly infected and he couldn't keep anything down,he couldn't eat the little that we even.

I cried when ever I lay eyes on him, Lamin was really suffering and there was nothing that we could do to save him.

I crawl to him to were he was laying in the corner i grab his cold hands bringing them to my lips.

"Lamin",I said with a shaking voice as he opened his eyes slowly while trying to smile at me.

"how are you feeling"I asked with his hands to my lips. his hands were badly shaking due to weakness he wasn't eating at all.

"Nadia,sorry they got us" he said trying to not cry, I said nothing but held on to his hands for as long as i could until he feel asleep again.

I couldn't believe it, my brother is gone my Lamin is gone he was feeling better just a few moments ago.

he had manage to jump off into the water, he had taken his own life by jumping into the water at night.

I felt bad that I have loss my brother ,my best friend and my hero but then again I didn't blame him for jumping off ,he was in too much pain and he had to release himself from that prison.

I cried so much after mama had told me what had happened,I remain in her arms for the rest of the day.

~~~

I made breakfast quietly while cleaning at the same time so i could finish what i had to do on time and give my self the break that I deserve.

since I didn't get the chance to ask yesterday I am sure that he wouldn't mind if i take a little break with everything done.

I went to go get they kids ready for breakfast, I went into Sara room after knocking softly, she was still sleeping she looked like an angel a precious one with her long hair all over the place.

I woke her up but she asked for more time I decided I would let her sleep some more.

I went to Henry's room and he was already wild and awake jumping on his bed as i entered.

"someone is happy", I said standing in front of his bed,he wrapped his arms around my neck so i could carry him.

I picked him up laying a kiss to his cheek before putting him down to stand on his own feet I didn't want to spoil him again.

I bathe Henry while he spoke non stop about things that i didn't even understand.

I woke up with a sour mood but all that is fix was moment i lay eyes on this precious kid.

I let him play around while I went to take care of Sara who have finally agreed to take a bath.

I took they kids down with henry helping himself to go play or to do whatever the wanted while I take care of their dad.

he was still sleeping so I quietly made my way to the bathroom and ran him a bath before sneaking out.

they kids had there breakfast without their father and went for their classes leaving me by myself.

I wanted for master and figured that he wasn't going to have breakfast today as he was already in his office.

I left the house as I planned to and made my way to the lake,i sat on the stone while waiting for ceaser to show.

I hope he would, I needed to speak to someone to speak with and who better than ceaser.

I thought of Anna but I haven't even seen or heard from her since our little fight about her stupid love story.

I really do hope that she is doing fine though, maybe I would check up on her some time this week.

I know that I was probably going to get in trouble with the big bad wolf but I just didn't care right now.

I waited some more for ceaser as usual, finally I spotted him coming with something in his hands.

"I was just about to leave",I said smiling at what was in his hands.

"where did you find this little cutie now", I said petting the little kitten in his arms.

"on my way here, how are you doing", he said pecking my cheek.

"fine maybe",I said with a long face,I broke down crying and he just held me in his arms without saying anything which I really appreciate.

"Care to share", ceaser asked while i wipe the tears off my face i decided I needed to get some load off my chest so i told him all that had happened last night.

we sat there just talking about how things are around here and all our suffering, I wanted to ask him about our last discussion but I didn't want to push him away.

"here you go little kitten", ceaser said putting the kitten on the ground, the kitten wouldn't leave no matter how hard we try.

it just kept meowing at us I couldn't resist.