Nickels

Ugly Bird-2

GrammaI say I’m coming home for the summer can I come live with you

No no my girl no

chest sinks I say nothing

she says nothing

I can’t speak an anchor is pulling me to the bottom

I’m losing the house gramma says I have to move

No I say sinking

You can’t stay with me my girl I don’t know where I’ll be

No I say a little boy in a Chinese fairy tale

Jesus christwhat did you do to your hair I stand frozen next to my parents’s car he leaves it running in the middle of the parking lot jumps out slaps my head What is this he looks at his hand like we’re in a horror film and he just put his hand in slime look at this he says to mom sitting inside the car then he looks at me like he is seeing me for the first time my ripped t shirt three sizes too big silver rings bracelets necklaces men’s dress pants cut off at the knees oversized combat boots Oh my god what have you done mom says I look at her a deer in headlights I haven’t seen them since I quit soccer why didn’t I know they would be mad What sort of get up do you have on he says you look like a goddamn he raises his fist drops it a car pulls in to the parking lot Husband she says low a warning he pushes me around the side of the car Get out he says to my mother she stands in the passenger door not understanding get out he yells she steps away he throws me in the car punches the lock slams the door points at me through the glass You move you die I say nothing head spinning huddle against the door we roar away mother stands in the middle of the parking lot her purse on the floor next to my bare feet inside my big boots

Jesus Christhe mutters stares at the road hands at ten and two Jesus Christ he turns by the field house drives over the shadow cast across the road I don’t move not a muscle I don’t move Jesus Christ what is wrong with you he yells we cross Regent Jesus Christ he mutters I don’t move not a muscle not a toe not a finger the sun comes into the car the sun leaves the car woo woo steam whistle shooting through my head I am going to die we roar past the grocery store past the elementary school baseball diamond the sun comes into the car the sun leaves the car Jesus Christ he mutters the sun comes in the car the sun leaves the car tree branches leaves telephone poles I don’t move not one muscle he is going to kill me he is crazy Jesus Christ he mutters help I want to scream at the people we speed past help me! but I don’t move a muscle not a muscle

I could end you he says right now he says I could make it so no one would ever find you he says I move not a muscle not a toe not a finger the sun comes in the car the sun leaves the car the world fades I close my eyes the car slows I move not a muscle not a toe not a finger the blinker blinks we turn shade crosses my eyes I can’t see! I can’t see! I can’t open my eyes I move not a muscle not a toe not a finger we drive sun shade sun shade across my mole eyes

What do you think about that he saysClosed eyes is what I say

No one would ever know

I move not a muscle

What do you think about that he says

Closed eyes

His hand on my thigh

I move not a muscle

His hand down there

Closed eyes nothing I move not a muscle feel not a thing

I could kill you he whispers right now

Get outhe says I blink I can see the parking lot mother sitting on the curb in shade poor mother! she burns so easily Start packing fingers strangle my arm and change into the sort of clothes normal people wear the voice gets closer I’m not driving four hours through Wisconsin with you dressed like that he took my body in the front seat folded it swallowed it now he wants to dress it

I bring down box after box the parents sit and wait cockroaches scratch between walls I bring down box after box until I am finished turn key click slip it under the door watch my body my hands my arms my legs from afar do what he says in slow motion automatic autonomic what is the word numbness I did not change like he said but he doesn’t notice shifts into drive goodbye cockroaches fare thee well Angie Jane field house of dreams soccer team my heavy head stalls

Mad dad the magiciann his snake poof! a little girl again face pressed to cool glass a girl with a pony plays across the street

HousesHighway 151 the mall Ponderosa Steak House Freeway 94 West to Minneapolis sadness flat land red barns hot sun cool glass pressed to my face he has me again mad dad the magician cast his spell where is Patty buried under the shrubs truck stops diners fresh sweet corn stands Conoco stations vented air

I told you to change he says inflamed brain cools on glass rolling hills Wisconsin countryside green signs: The Dells 9 Miles I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to drive another minute with you dressed like that he says blue signs: Campground! Hotel! Bingo! Antiques! Circus! Fun for the Entire Family! Next Two Exits!

Tires on gravelpast Big Dan’s Truck Stop to an A frame brown house Gerziak’s Camping Outfitter all your camping needs and more sold here brown hairy arm across the top of the front seat hand clutches mother’s headrest mother’s head does not move his hand slaps loose vinyl on the back of the seat Get inside mad dad the magician looks at me in the rear view mirror pick out some normal clothes appropriate for a female he pulls out his wallet hands me two twenties you’ll pay this back by working it off around the house I take the cash get out of the car I know what he means mother looks straight ahead work it off around the house circles my brain work it off around the house circles my brain work it off around the house circles my brain I am his concubine

Can I helpyou miss I shake my head no walk round in circles know I am supposed to do something but what the muzak over the loudspeaker confuses me am in an elevator am in detox am in the mall Elton John with violins where am I who am I a puppet a person a freak a soccer star a partier an A student a little girl a loner

I float up near the ceiling to a display of tents bikes boots suspended in the air by wires I crawl in the tent look at the store below Bad Bad Leroy Brown baddest man in the whole damn town shouts from somewhere but where not from up here with the bikes boots hanging nearby more shouts Calm down sir she must be here somewhere I peer through the tent flap it’s mad dad at the cash register mad dad at the cash register! I float down crouch behind the rack of biking shorts extra thick cotton crotches loud voices move toward the back I move along the side wall past a woman leafing through gray sweatshirts see ya! I float like a butterfly sting like a bee crawl on my belly below shorts thick gray sweatshirts I won’t be a puppet staring straight ahead

I run out the front door bent over like a old lady with a cane except I’m not an old lady I’m a college student going back to school I sneak down the stairs run four cars left of their car mother in the front seat sitting up straight facing forward she doesn’t move doesn’t look doesn’t see me I leave her there waiting for his wrath grapes of wrath! I run across the gravel parking lot crouch in the bushes watch the brown A frame where you can get all your camping needs met

mad dad another man appear around the side of the A frame scan the parking lot I don’t move not a muscle not a toe not a finger mad dad walks to the car mother rolls down her window they talk mad dad goes back into the A frame mother stays in the car

I don’t want to work it off around the house father’s own personal w***e I run in the ditch toward 94 under hot sun trees rolling hills Wisconsin country side I have to get off the road soon I cross it run into a grove of pines 94 buzzes ahead I cough up phlegm spit it out pull the twenties out of my pocket crumple them drop them like wadded up kleenexes in my mother’s purse I won’t be his puppet

Where you goingthe trucker says the bill of his Packer’s hat is split down the middle curls up on each side Madison I say pull myself up on the step of his rig flatten myself against his truck in case mad dad pulls in I got money he laughs I don’t need money he says taps his boot on the floor starts up his truck I got money I say again he laughs You in or out I hesitate there’s only one other rig at the truck stop and the driver is nowhere to be seen if there’s one thing I know it’s my father and he’ll be pulling in here any minute the driver starts up his engine I got money I say again know I sound stupid I should say no f**k you I’ll find another way but I’m desperate if mad dad catches me he’ll beat me to death I swing myself up and in pull the door the cab smells like gas the trucker makes a sound with his teeth looks in his side mirror Any money get exchanged he says will be from me to you I got money I say again I can pay you for the gas You just don’t get it do you he says swings the long semi onto the frontage road I think it’s only fair I say playing dumb looking in the side mirror Who ya looking for he says shifts the truck I say nothing A boyfriend he says You a Packer fan I say see my father’s blue car pull into the truck stop Damn right the trucker says tips his split hat turns a corner I lose sight of the car with my mother my father mad dad the magician all my belongings The Packers could be a force in the Central Division next year I say keep the focus on the Packers compliment his team even though they suck he is just another stupid man Damn right the trucker says speeds up the steep curving ramp

Trip Commonsis closed for the summer session the woman in the business office says her nose round as a mushroom You know that I do know that I say you already told me what I need is my last check Okay your last check the mushroom nose woman in the business office shuffles through a pile of envelopes did you fill out the form telling us where to send it Um yeah I lean on the counter Did you tell us to send it or hold it Well I say send it I suppose All right just one moment she leans back says something to the man behind her Okay she goes through the envelopes it should be here we haven’t mailed them yet Good I say I really need this money Uhm hum she says stops shuffling Is this you she holds the envelope up to the window Yeah I say relieved I need clothes and food and tampons she slides the check under the glass but the man says something in her ear she pulls the check back I’m sorry she says since you signed the release to have us mail it to Saint Paul we have to by law send it there What I say but I’m not living there I had a change of plans I I’m sorry she puts the envelope on the pile C’mon I say you’ve got to be kidding give me a new form to sign she shakes her head I don’t have any money I’ll never see this check again There’s nothing I can do Who can I talk to I say I’m a legal adult this is my money He’s it she says jerks her thumb at the man behind her f*****g goddamn it I kick the wall I’m a legal adult Hey the man says do you want me to call security Yeah I say that’s just what I want call security on me you stupid f**k I kick the wall again a short dark haired man turns the corner heads toward me I freeze think it’s my father tracked me down come to kill me but he walks right by