Nickels

Muhammad-2

Sit hereI close my eyes listen with my ears the biggest ears in all the world! in all the world! I listen rock on my butt bones Patty kicks a stone Patty kicks a stick Patty sits grass bends birds coo coo coo Quiet I rock quiet bend my ears to the stream it sings! it sings!

What does it sayPatty says I squint I rock harder shh shh I say squint harder someday it’s going to be all right it’s going to be all right that’s it I say that’s what the river sings someday it’s going to be all right it’s going to be all right and Patty nods slit eyes at the ground

How’s my girlGramma says

Okay I say

Just okay

We caught the mole

Well that’s good

I suppose

What’s wrong

I miss it that mole

You always stay this sweet my girl

Okay I say

Gramma I say

Yes she says

I want to tell you something I say

Yes she says

The water talks to me I say

Gramma doesn’t say anything

That’s fine my girl she says that’s fine

Okay I say is something wrong with me

Gramma clears her throat

No my girl you are special don’t forget that she says

I say nothing this is a secret between me gramma Patty

You are the cream in my coffee gramma says

You are the cream in my coffee too gramma

Hotis the word for the day the channel four weatherman says Hot oh ya you bet it is China Doll Girl is back there’s something else that’s going to be hot around here in just whan minute and she wiggles her fingers getting them ready to choke mad dad he sits on the couch without a shirt his fat belly hanging over his jean shorts

Hot is the word for the entire week in Minnesota as we head into another stretch of record breaking heat the weatherman is almost bald mad dad finishes his beer and burps squishes his can sets it sideways on the TV tray China Doll Girl is mad mad dad came in my room last night I made the bed fly Are you going to finish the toilet before lunch mom yells from upstairs mad dad tore up the bathroom because the toilet’s clogged mad dad grunts Oh ya ahsoo hiyah I karate punch you right in your big fat stomach mistah I run up behind mad dad’s recliner the one no one else is allowed to sit in and punch him as hard as I can my whole body kicking it down the sideline! Ah! he yells makes a face I run away down the stairs into the garage outside the house sneak under the front window look inside the house he’s still in front of the TV I watch him like a commando if I had a machine g*n I could break the glass and shoot him He should be shot bang! bang! right in his big fat stomach Little Miss So And So China Doll Girl says he is a very bad man a very bad dad

I watch mad dad for a while he scratches at his thing then stands up shuts off the TV walks upstairs I sit on the tire swing in the backyard the people who had the house before us left it hanging from the tree the rubber burns my hands and legs

Ah so Little Miss So And So

I say we choke your father your very bad father

we eat lunch with the fan blowing on us mom made turkey sandwiches with mayonaise and lettuce and chips and cherry red Kool Aid with extra ice I drink it and smack my lips together ahhh! mad dad growls at me the fan blows in my face it’s so hot out even the cool air is warm

I do the dishes mad dad goes upstairs comes back down says I’m going to Menards and drives away mom wipes down the table waters the plants says Wooo it’s too hot to do anything puts Jim Croce on gets out her macrame I’m so hot from doing the dishes I wait on the front steps for Patty she’s sleeping over tonight

Patty and memake salt and butter and parmesan cheese popcorn after dinner we bring a bowl to mom in her bedroom reading in front of the fan we don’t bring one to mad dad working in the bathroom Patty says I hate him Ya me too China Doll Girl says we go in my room sit down look through the books and magazines we checked from the library Soccer Skills 101, Sports Illustrated July 7-14, 1978, The Early Life of Puccini, How Garby High Hockey Won the Gold, The Hobbit, and Moles: What They Are What They Do How You Can Get Rid of Them

I stare out the window the sun is turning Patty’s house into a bright white light that hurts my eyes Whaddya think Patty says Huh I say I just asked if you thought we should have let the mole go by the pond Oh I say sure Patty picks up the book on moles Look there it is she says and points to a picture of an Eastern Shrew Mole that’s our mole right there and she taps the picture leaves a buttery fingerprint in the book

There it is I rest my chin on her shoulder close my eyes hear mad dad in the bathroom next to us wham bam slam Do you think it’s okay I say Yeah Patty says it’s all right I pretend I’m blind like a mole reach for the bowl get a piece of popcorn put it in my mouth practicing to be blind Patty flips the page I put my arm around her Yuck Patty says it says their skin grows right over their eyes Yuck I say thinking how it would be if my eyelids grew shut over my eyeballs

Bam!the door flings open something hits above us sounds like glass breaking my eyes fling open nickels bounce off the walls fall all around us like rain mad dad troll fills up the door I let go of Patty she tries to stand up but he pushes her grabs my shirt rips it Damn you he yells slams me into the wall

Crack the back the headboard spat

Hey Patty yells we all fall down he hits her she hits him he pins me against the wall his breath spits in my face Hey hey hey let go Patty yells What’s this he holds me up one arm across my throat puts a dirty black wet nickel in my face I float Look what I found in the pipes where’d it come from he peels my lips open huh I clamp down my teeth like a dog it’s dirty smells like poop Stop it Patty yells hits him he throws me on the bed gets on top of me Patty jumps him he pushes her off puts his arm across my throat I choke his thumb in my mouth he laughs pushes the nickel in it’s slimy wet poop my tongue blocks it slips almost down my throat can’t breathe can’t breathe!

Patty screams You little f**k we never had problems until your dyke boy he says throws her into the wall c***k smack flack c***k the back the headboard spat Uh Patty says air slams out her I spit the nickel on the bed mad dad’s kneels over me pulls out the snake slaps my face with it I try to kick it not in front of Patty! not in front of Patty! You shouldn’t have done that he growls rubs pushes his thumb into me then the thing breaks me my head board bored head slams the head board did it! Patty’s in the room not in front of Patty! not in front of Patty! I blur my eyes grow skin over them hurts hurts so bad I’m cracking he laughs That’s right that’s right this is the way it is this is the way it will always be he grunts like a pig it hurts hurts hurts my head board cracks

NoPatty cries I hear her far away falling down to the ocean floor mad dad stops pulls that thing out of me hurts me! I can’t move cracked can’t see my head went blurry skin eyes growed over another set of eyeballs slit China Doll Girl eyes n she runs off to watch from the shelf Patty yells from far away through water mad dad says dyke b***h cunt I slide over the edge of the bed see light and shadows through the skin growed over my eyes mad dad on top Patty stops yelling she grows quiet he grunts no no nononnnononononononononono not p not p me instead not p not p me instead nononnnononononononononono

i cant move nononononno no no not p she doesn’t make a sound he grunts i cant move cant barely see through thick skin dad gasps like he does when hes finish gasp theres no sound anywhere no sound anywhere all world died me Patty mad dad mom downstairs wite nuckel deaded wurld dyd

Patty cries littlethrough the blur dog whimper mole blinded in the cage scareded hurt whimper mad dad says dyke boy the sun gone the sky navy blue blur outside the window the light gone world ded

Allmy fault all my fault all of it! forever and ever a l l m y f a u l t dad writ in blood on my brain i live in a dream the dream lasts all night mad dad on top of us me p me p he laugh he groan troll on the bridge troll on the bridge! i live in a dream where it is hot sweat burns my face like wet fire i can’t reach p blur far away float i hear her dying we are dying we are dead already dead i live in a dream i live in a dream it’s a bad dream a bad world that has died it is all my fault i put the nickels down the toilet mad dad leaps between us in slow motion like a troll on a bridge spills the popcorn kool aid on the floor grunts moans the world is dark the world is hot i hear small noises i see nothing for hours days years in my dream skin grown over China Doll Girl watch she m a d kung pow

iwake up the sun came back the popcorn kool aid nickels gone the books magazines in a pile i wake up from my dream dead world to a sunny day i wake up open my eyes see the ceiling bumpy and white the sun splashes above me the day here the dream over the world died gone on living tricked everyone i dead i go on living tricked everyone my eyes skin peels can see better i dead i tricked everyone went on living

patty is gone my eyes do not see her the books magazines in a pile the popcorn bowl kool aid white knuckle picked up patty gone she gone she is gone all my fault all my fault all of it! forever and ever all my fault

This morning I woke up P not home I checked Jimmy shook head no

this morning I woke up Patty not home went to work with mom made her happy kicked the soccer ball in the gym alone all day

this morning I woke up Patty not home went to our end of the year soccer party Mr. Samson said I practice real hard I play forward next year

this morning I woke up Patty not home Jimmy door crying shook head no I stayed home alone all day listened to Meat Loaf Patty got it for me at the mall

this morning woke up Patty not home rained all day stayed inside dribbled up down stairs drove parents crazy crazy girl drove parents crazy she good at that during supper at least she’s not singing opera

this morning woke up Patty not home house on Rose Avenue

this morning woke up Patty not home Jimmy not answer door

this morning woke up Patty not home Katie knocked on front door gave invitation to her ninth birthday party I said thanks threw it in the garbage

this morning woke up Patty not home I stood at the front door against the screen pushed out n saggy watched Patty’s house no one came no one went foot on soccer ball all day

this morning woke up Patty not home stood at front door one block off Payne mom came home on lunch break said I am going to gramma’s until school starts

this morning woke up Patty not home older brother answered door Jimmy crying behind him said we don’t know where she is dribbled soccer ball across street hard to dribble on pavement put ball in car go to gramma’s next season I am going to play forward

Age Fifteen (1983)